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Stressedstepparent17's picture

Gosh where do I start. So I've been with my partner for 2.5 years now, living together for 1.5 years. I met his 4 nearly 5 year old daughter around 6 months into our relationship, so really early on. She doesn't live with us, generally stays for 1-2 days at the weekend every week and extra during school holidays. He has a son who he hasn't seen for the full duration of our relationship (he'd last seen him before we met so nothing to do with me). Should also mention he had a vasectomy when his baby momma was pregnant with his daughter because he didn't want anymore kids, so it's really important to me that if I'm sacrificing having any kids of my own, that this relationship works and I have a strong relationship with his daughter and hopefully someday his son. 

I'm just starting to really struggle these days. I really want a kid of my own and it's becoming hard knowing i can't with my partner. And it's so hard seeing him be such an involved parent to his daughter and knowing I'm not part of this. I'm reminded in arguments that she's HIS daughter, that I would know things if I had kids of my own, that he knows best etc etc. It's frustrating. 

I do all the boring "parent" jobs, collecting and dropping off, cooking, cleaning, bathing, running around and he gets cuddles and kisses, bedtime stories and playtimes. She sees him as God and I'm just the one who does everything else without thanks. Her manners are atrocious by the way. Demanding, never says please and thank you, expects the world on a plate to her but this is because of him. It's how he treats her. Like an absolute princess. I've made a point of saying he's spoiling her and needs to chill a little. She's starting to dislike me I can tell because I'm the one saying no to things. I'm the one regulating sugar because she's so hyperactive all the time, making sure she sticks to routine and gets to bed on time, I'm the one saying we can't go bowling every week because we can't afford it. He will literally cancel a household bill to take her to the cinema, or not pay rent so he can buy her really expensive birthday presents. Cancel a work shift so he can pick her up for extra visits. 

I just feel he's overcompensating and going a little over the top. She's becoming really needy and clingy over the last few weeks and so is he. He gets depressed when she goes home. Kisses her when he leaves the room to go to the toilet. Wants to sleep in her bed and have cuddles all the time. He's only stopped bathing with her over the last 6 months or so because his friend said it was weird. Some will no doubt say I'm jealous and yes part of me is because I see how much he adores her and how much love he can give to a person and he can't show this with me. And it's not when she's here, it's when it's just the 2 of us too. Part of me feels he doesn't have the space in his heart for a girlfriend. I just want us to be a happy little family, I'd love to meet his son and I'd love us to be able to have a child of my own with him because he cares so much for her, but he is spoiling her and I feel it's just having a negative effect on her and him. He's obsessed. Would actually quit his job to move across the road from her. I say how would he support her and he's just like "I'd find a way". His head is in the clouds. I need someone responsible and some stability and I'm thinking maybe this isn't for me. Even though I love him and can't imagine being without him, it just seems to be getting harder. 

Sorry for the length of this, it's my first one and I have a lot to get off my chest!! Appreciate help xx


Disneyfan's picture

You want children.  He doesn't want any more kids.  This is not the man for you.  

All of the other stuff is just background noise.  If all of the other issues were solved right now, it wouldn't change the fact that he doesn't want more children.

Don't give up on your desire to be a mother.  You will regret it years from now.

TimeToGo's picture

Your hashtag says "stepmum" but you aren't. You haven't married this clusterf$%& of worthlessness. Hasn't seen his son... Will forego his adult responsibilities to be a Disney Dad. Can't give you a child.

Leave. You aren't married, you aren't stuck.

tog redux's picture

Find a man who wants more children. And one who can parent the ones that he does have.  Why are you functioning as the parent to this child? If he adores her so much and wants her there, he can step up and be the primary parent.

You deserve better.

Stressedstepparent17's picture

Thank you so much for your comments so far, to be honest your answers have been what I've thought for a while now. I hate to bad mouth him but I think you're all right. He's not the one for me as sad as that is. I've got friends that have always backed me up and tell me to leave but I figured they were biased because they're my friends. I need open, honest feedback from strangers that can't take sides. It upsets me so much and I really hoped it was for real this time. I've been married and divorced and thought I'd got it right this time but obviously not. Thank you all so far for the responses xx

Thumper's picture

A strong desire to have a child is important to you.

Please do not over look your hopes and dreams too. This is your life,,remember that, ok?


Cbarton12's picture

You want a child. This is not the man for you!

And he sounds like he pays more attention to his child than you. 

Get out now!

SteppedOut's picture

Seriously. I got to the part that said he had the snip snip but you REALLY want kids and that was all I needed to read.

Move on. 

SteppedOut's picture

But seriously girl, start your exit plan pronto. 

shellpell's picture

You want your own kids, find a man who will have kids with you, highly recommend one without kids already! Your  SO’s kids will NEVER be your kids. Trust me. I have an ss and two of my own. It’s like night and day. You are doing all the heavy lifting without the rewards. Leave now before you’re older and unable to have your own. You’ll get over this guy. Put yourself first!

StrawberryPie's picture

Go get the life you want and deserve!  Find someone you love that wants the same things you do.  (And honestly it's a thousand times easier if he doesn't already have kids).  

qtpie013178's picture

I would leave. You want children, he doesn’t and can’t have any. Also, he has an unhealthy attachment to his daughter. It will hirt now but you’ll be glad you left this mess behind.

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

have you discussed with your partner about his vasectomy. My dh had a vasectomy six/seven years before I met him. We each had two children. It turned out after a discussion he would be open to the idea of more children, and had a vasectomy reversal. They aren’t all successful but they can be. We now have two daughters. Warning, it’s a long stressful road. In my set of personal circumstances dhs family never fully accepted that these two daughters are his daughters too, as the other ones were there first and no one expected him to have more children. If he really really doesn’t want children and you do, then maybe consider leaving. 

Stressedstepparent17's picture

Yeah we have discussed it, he's not ruling it out having a reversal it's just not really on the cards financially and it's obviously a risk that it might not work and we've wasted £1500 that we don't have to begin with. Plus we both need to be certain we want to be together beforehand. The way things are at the moment I can't guarantee I want to be with him regardless of the the no children. 

My family are very accepting of his daughter, always buy her presents for every occasion. His family, just don't seem that bothered about my situation. His mum to be fair doesn't help the situation because she's always ringing him asking if we have her and has a go at him if we don't. She doesn't seem to understand we both work and can't just take the day off. I told his mum about me wanting children and she didn't seem bothered. Just wants him to focus all his time on his daughter. They've given up with his son. I'm sat here thinking poor lad and how I can guarantee things would be so much smoother if he saw both kids. I feel like he's overcompensating for not seeing him. 

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

In attempting to wrack the common sense part of my brain (not much to begin with...), my only practical solution is this. - if you are able try and make sure you have friends to go out with once a week, or once a month for some fun (or whatever is right for you really i guess) if you currently don't do that.  Things will fall into place eventually one way or the other (if you don't need to make any decisions now).  Don't fall into the trap of becoming 'isolated' as we all can do that, somehow it just happens when stepkids, or kids, or even just relationships come along.

Siemprematahari's picture

Do not sacrifice your life and not have children if this is your desire and your partner doesn't want to. This relationship is not for you. Who the heck cancels paying a bill in order to take his child out....where are his priorities? You do a lot of foot work for his child with no appreciation. You need to stop this and know that if you don't live the life you want you will be resentful of him years from now (if you aren't already). You'll be at a age where you can't have children and will hate him for it.....So really reconsider this relationship, what you really want from a partner, and do what you need to do and make YOU happy. Place yourself first and a priority.

JBDmom's picture

This makes me really sad because I have the same exact problem for basically our entire relationship with SO. He would drop everything to spend money on SD even after she started living with us. To this day I have to tell him he doesn’t need to be buying her ridiculous amounts of toys when we have bills to pay. I wish I would’ve found this site sooner maybe I wouldn’t be in the situation I’m in. It doesn’t get better and honestly if his daughter is all he cares about he probably won’t be the dad he is to her to your kids if you eventually have any. I have experienced first hand what it’s like to watch your SO other favor one kid over the other even if they are all biologically his. It’s completely heartbreaking for you and y’alls child.