Stressedstepparent17's picture

So I'm still here. Either I'm completely stupid or I just can't be bothered anymore. But anyway my feelings aside this is actually about SD and BM.

So SD had had nits for 2/3 years now. Constant. She comes to us on a weekend and she has them. Every week. We've tried getting rid every weekend with lotion, sending lotion back to her BM's, OH and BM have done mediation and came to agreements that we'd pay for the solution and she'll do kids hair. Nothing has worked. 

SD lives with BM and her sister who's 12. We think all 3 of them have them. Must do with SD having them every week. OH has tried to tell her to wash all pillows, hats, cushions, anything that their heads will touch. Either she's not doing this or there's a bigger problem. 

OH's mother now has them after looking after SD at the weekend. She's fuming. Now OH is fuming and is wanting to call social services and get his daughter took off BM because she's so incompetent. *cue eye rolling off me* 

There must be a solution where BM can fix this ongoing problem and we don't need to involve social services. The school have sent letters about nits so they're aware. SD's sister's dad has complained about them. Why isn't BM doing anything?!?! 


lieutenant_dad's picture

Because doing something requires work and she probably enjoys torturing the former men in her life. So long as it doesn't bother her, nothing is going to change. It's easier to do nothing than something.

For SD's sake, a call to CPS is probably in order.

fakemommy's picture

Everytime SD comes to your house, slather her hair with coconut oil, and have her sit with it on for several hours to keep the lice away from your house. If you have consistent documentation of the issue, call CPS. Over-the-counter shampoos don't work. Tea tree oil in shampoo and conditioner bottes can help. I'd probably send some with SD evey month or so just to try to help the situation.

Stressedstepparent17's picture

I just want the kindest route. Not easiest as such but the route that will cause the least amount of trouble. I'm the kind of person that thinks a child needs both parents. And it's clear BM loves her kids (she may be hopeless at times but she does adore them and I'm thinking she does a hell of a lot more than OH does parenting wise). My thing is obviously she needs help. She's struggling. 

I think he's projecting his hatred of BM onto the situation. He's biased. And selfish. 

I'm happy for now if she's struggling financially to buy shampoos/lotions or whatever but obviously I'm not gonna go round and clean her house. That she needs to do herself. But he wont even speak to her. He's scared she'll stop access and that's what's frustrating me. He just wants to go straight to the social. I say he needs a sit down and long discussion as to why we still have this problem. Does she need help at home? Do we need to have her to stay more? Does she need money? But he wont even speak to her. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Look, I'd agree with you if this was 2-3 months. But we are talking YEARS here. Years where the lice have built up resistance to all the lotions and shampoos. Years of SD scratching her head and being miserable. Years of BM not being able to scrape together enough meds or time to clean her house. YEARS of showing neglect on her child.

The time for nice and cuddly has passed. She knows what she needs to do; she just isn't doing it. Should SD continue to suffer because BM can't get it together? There are TONS of parents who love their kids, but that doesn't make them good parents. That doesn't mean they should be raising their kids or be the custodial parent. It's sad when it happens, but it does happen that parents can love without being the provider that their kid needs.

That is the situation you are in. BM's love isn't going to get rid of the lice. If she won't voluntarily help her child after YEARS of issues and intervention from your SO, the other BD, and the school, another fireside chat isn't going to do it, either.

tog redux's picture

CPS won't take kids away because of lice. But they will go in and put the fear of god into BM to get it cleaned up once and for all. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

CPS is not the Child Catcher, and it's not their first move to remove a child from their home. But they will hold BM accountable and steer her toward helpful resources (like maybe a parenting class).

I'm going to share something very personal with you: One of my biggest regrets in life is that I didn't call CPS about my DH's niece and nephew. Their mother has been an addict for decades, and as a result they suffered a great deal of trauma. When I was newly married into this dysfunctional family, I recognized that those littles were being neglected. But because everyone in DH's family ignored it, I did too. Those kids never even finished high school. Both have been hospitalized for psychiatric care, both became addicts, the girl was molested and developed an eating disorder, I could go on.

If I could go back in time, I would call CPS repeatedly. Please do so. You can make the call anonymously, and it could make all the difference for your SD.

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

You are getting alot of commwnts about a custody change.  Trust me, it is not going to happen because of lice.  My DH has dealt with lice from BM for over 10 years.  She did eventually lose custody but it had nothing to do with lice.  We called CPS on BM so many times about lice and they would not even address it.  According to CPS, lice is not a valid reason to investigate.  Our BM was so filthy that her house was condemned and she still didn't lose custody of her other kids.  So unless your BM's house is unliveable or she has other problems, the lice will not be enough for CPS to do anything about it.

thinkthrice's picture

CPS would be more than willing to suggest a custody change if a bio dad had custody and the children had lice.  That way they can drum up CS for the coffers

ndc's picture

I'm surprised the school hasn't done anything/contacted someone if this child has had lice for over 2 years.  At our school, you get sent home for lice and you have to be treated and the school nurse checks your head when you come back. A letter goes home to all families warning them if a kid has lice (the child is not identified but often the other kids in the class know).  

This has to be embarrassing and physically irritating for poor SD.  I would call CPS, not to have custody removed but to see if there are community resources available to help BM get rid of the lice once and for all.

Thumper's picture

Is this  long battle documented with a family Doc?

That may be something to consider---EVERY SINGLE TIME she has lice....sooner or later the doc may report.

Poor kid. Poor YOU poor dh.....


Stressedstepparent17's picture

Update. I HAVE NITS. 

F***ing joke. He sees it as yay now you'll see the problem and you'll agree she needs taking away from her mother. 

Nah. It's made me actually feel sorry for her that she has to remove them from her hair, and both her daughters hair plus clean clothing and bedding for 3 people etc etc. It's been an absolute nightmare getting rid of these from just my hair. And still not all gone. So easy to miss even just one egg. 

Done SD's hair tonight. Mine again tomorrow. Pray for me. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You need to pull the Big Red Handle, girl. Is there somewhere you could stay for a week or so, a parent, friend, or relative who could offer a break and a chance to go No Contact with your SO? Your pathetic partner needs a chance to miss you and feel some fear of consequences.