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And the Lies Continue - Stupid Lies

ashes54's picture

So a couple days ago, SD11 came downstairs as we were getting ready to play some UNO, and I look up and her face has this pinkish tinge to it. I ask her what happened to her face. She says she doesn't know. I said there is no way your face looks like that and you don't know what happened. So she then says when she was pooping that she grabbed her face because she was trying to remember something that her and BD13 were talking about. I told her that made absolutely no sense and that her story doesn't add up with the way her face looks. She just kept saying that was what happened. Her dad then told her to act it out and when she did, it definitely didn't add up. So I told her to go back upstairs, and then told her dad it looked like makeup. He said go check. So I walk upstairs, to find her in the bathroom, wiping her face off with her sleeve. I asked what she was doing and she said she was just rubbing her eye. I then call her out and say that she's wearing makeup and she says she's not. I say look at your sleeve, that's makeup. If you had "grabbed your eye" you would not be able to rub it off like that. She continues to say, with tears now, that it isn't makeup and she really did just grab her eye. At this point, I bring DH in and he takes over because I'm overly mad (I hate being lied to directly to my face like that). He tells her pretty much the same, that there is nothing else that would be rubbing off her face other than makeup. She is now hysterically crying, swearing it wasn't makeup and she doesn't know what else to say because she's telling the truth. At this point she is told she can sit and do nothing until she wants to tell us the truth. 3 hours go by, and I ask her if she wants to tell the truth yet, and she says she was wearing makeup (SHOCKER!), but then the story shifts again and she only gives a half truth. She says she used one of those halloween makeup crayons - which she did, for lipstick. But the tinge I saw was most definitely eyeshadow or blush. Which leads me to believe she either used my makeup or my BD13's makeup without permission and doesn't want to own up to that also. Either way, this really ridiculous insignificant thing turned into some MASSIVE problem all because she dead face lied to us. Her wearing makeup, wouldn't have been a big deal - that's the craziest part about this. We were just lounging around the house anyway, so if she wanted to play with makeup, she could have.

Anyway, that was a couple days ago... since then she has been walking around with this screw everyone attitude (and as I mentioned in previous blog, I also found a note/2 page letter she had written after this lying situation occured about how she wished I wasn't around and making it very clear I'm not her mom). So today, my BD13 was cleaning the upstairs bathroom (that's her normal Wednesday chore) and finds a piece of toilet paper folded up next to the garbage can that says DIE! on it in that same red halloween makeup crayon... I immediately call SD11 in and tell her how unacceptable that is, and that I don't really care if she wants me to die, I know she doesn't like me and that's been made super clear, but this sort of behavior will not be tolerated. She says she didn't write it, SS9 did. So I bring him into the mix... the other liar of the family (also discussed in previous blog). Can you guess? He didn't do it either! He knows nothing about it. Then SD11 starts the water works again and crying about how he told her he was going to test the makeup and see if she was telling the truth or not, and he was up in her face super close telling her he was going to do this last night. I told them I didn't really care what it said, and all I asked was who did it, but both of them are going to stand there and say they didn't do it, they are going to look me and each other in the eye and lie, and THAT is why we have as big of an issue in this house as we do. That I don't believe either of them because of the fact they both have a track record of lying and that long story short, this behavior will not be tolerated from either of them. 

I am just so heated that not a day goes by where one of them isn't lying or causing a problem. I honestly cannot wait for school to get back in session in a week and a half so that I don't have to be home with them all day.    

Side note: both of these kids call me mom (to my face, but refer to me by my name or "step mom" to other people), and yet they both despise me and I'm not much fonder of them. I don't even want them to call me mom anymore. 

Comments

ESMOD's picture

I'm not at all excusing the lying but I think you have a budding "tween" on your hands.. she is probably embarassed about trying on makeup because she is starting to approach it as a woman vs as a child playing dressup.  It's confusing and when those hormones start banging around.. can cause a LOT of melt down behaviors.

She is insecure and testing her boundaries etc.. embarassed at the whole growing older.. but wanting to experiment with it anyway.. but loath to let anyone know she is doing it.  I know it all sounds disjointed.. but I think that's how it is.

I think it's time her mom has "the talk" with her for sure.. and that discussions about makeup.. dress.. behavior is all gone over.  She may need/want a training bra or bralette.. she may want her own set of makeup.. (simple and basic.. not barbie flashy)...

ashes54's picture

I absolutely have a budding tween on my hands. She came to me about a week ago complaining about a lump on her chest (which are breast buds) so we had the talk... (her BM is MIA). We already know this one is going to be a handful in the teen years..

I also have a BD13 who has already gone thru that (well started it I should say), and her and I will do makeup together, and SD has asked me a couple of times to do hers too or to join in. That's why this whole thing seemed so strange and I'm not sure it was an embarrassment issue. The only rule we have is that no makeup is worn to school or what not until middle school. 

BUT outside of that, the lying is not ok. It is unfortunately a VERY big issue in our house with both of the SKids along with this open hateful notes. and it seems to get worse by the day.

Harry's picture

Can do with this kid. Let DH handle all of it.  Also the cooking, cleaning, the driving ect. If he can not do it, he is going to figure it out without your help.  You are never going to win.  She already does not like you, it’s never going to get better. So just save your time effort and mostly your money.   Spend your money on yourself not SD 

advice.only2's picture

I understand where you are coming from. Spawn was a chronic liar, if you asked her what color the sky was she would swear it was pink. She lied about anything and everything. She even admitted one time to a friend that she lies because she's good at it and she likes getting away with it.
Some people are just sociopaths, Spawn was one, and no matter what we did or tried to raise her right, she just lied. PERIOD!

ashes54's picture

Yes! No matter what we do or say, the lying never lets up! It's incredibly frustrating, and it's at the point now that I know I'm going to get lied to anyway.

tog redux's picture

OP, you have to take a step back here and breathe. Doubling down on a kid who is lying and getting into a power struggle won't help anything and will just make everything worse.

First off, let DH parent his kids.  I get that you are the only mother figure around, but you aren't her mother, and you can see the results of acting like her parent when you aren't. She's resentful, you are resentful, no one is happy.  Can you really not see why she wishes she never wanted a family?  Put yourself in her shoes, how much would 11-year-old you hate a stepmother who was in this role?

Next time you guys catch her in a lie, DH should give her a consequence for lying. Not sitting there for 3 hours, but something. No negotiating or discussion or her telling half-truths. "SD, that is clearly makeup, you've lied to me and broken the rule about makeup, so no tablet for the day (or whatever)".  Done. No huge power struggles with everyone upset, she gets a consequence.

ashes54's picture

Agreed, I need to step back and breathe. It has been a long, hard road and my patience has worn out for sure.

However, I can say I did grow up in a similar situation. My BM was not around from a young age, and I was raised by my adopted dad and step mom who had 3 kids of her own. I did not hate her, and I was not disrespectful. Not that I expect everyone to have the same reactions to situations, but I do not like being disrespected on a daily basis in my own house.

DH definitely needs to handle situations seeing as I am obviously not the person they will listen to regardless. He has been in serious denial about the relationship between his kids and I up until recently. Trying to figure out how to navigate this when I am the one home all day...

This group has already helped me realize that I need to (just as you said) step back, and stop expecting so much really. Even if she or her brother are caught in a lie and continues to deny it, it doesn't mean we NEED the confession to handle the situation. 

tog redux's picture

I think you have to let him know you are no longer comfortable being home all day with them.  They need to go to camp or daycare if they are not in school. If you are not working, get a job to make that totally necessary.

I would guess that SD is being poisoned by BM when she does see her, and/or has inherited some of what makes BM a heroin addict. Maybe those weren't issues for you, or maybe your father was different with you than DH, or whatever - lots of variables.

The bottom line is - you don't have to be so involved, so take advantage of that!

ETA: oh, and no - you don't need a confession. You are the adults, you give consequences as you believe necessary. People are sent to jail all the time proclaiming their innocence!

Siemprematahari's picture

Is it possible for your H to take both his kids out alone and ask them why do they feel the need to lie? To see what feelings they have that compel them to consistently do it? Have him try to get to the root of that issue and perhaps have them talk to a professional about their need to lie on a constant basis for things that are not a big deal. I think once you know why you all can move forward from there.

I also agree with previous posters to step back and have your H deal with them and possibly see if they can go to camp so you're not with them as much. This is tough and wishing you a solution ASAP.

ashes54's picture

He has tried talking to them alone, on numerous occasions throughout the years about a variety of things - we do A LOT of talking with them, but they give the typical child answer of "I don't know" or "I don't want to get in trouble" and even when he (and we) have tried to tell them that no matter what they've done, the ONE thing they can count on being in trouble for is lying, it doesn't seem to deter them from doing it. 

We most definitely need to get them into some counseling seeing as the issue is not improving and seems to possibly be getting worse.

SM12's picture

i raised a teen girl who couldn’t tell the truth to save her life.  I was constantly having to check up on everything she said or did.   

My MSS is a huge liar and manipulator.  I caught him in lies and stealing.  I told DH he needed to make MSS apologize to me and my Bs.  DHs response was he didn’t want to embarrass MSS by making him apologize.   SMH!   I told DH that maybe him being embarrassed will curb his desire to do it again. DH never followed thru and now MSS is MIA from our lives and still a huge a-hole.

ashes54's picture

Oh no! My SS had stolen some seashells my BD's dad had given to her and took them to school and gave them away to his friends in class. He said he thought his friends would like them. And I'm sure they did, but they were a gift to my daughter from her dad and were not his to take and give to anyone else. DH and I contacted his teacher at school and told her the situation and asked if there was anyway to get a message out to the parents of the kids in class asking for them back and that SS needed to apologize to the class for what he did. We did actually get some of the shells back (about 1/2) and he did have to apologize to the class. DH and I both felt the way you did, perhaps having to actually accept responsibility and acknowledge what you did to your class would curb his desire to do it again. Unfortunately, it didn't work. He has continued to steal things. I suppose I am grateful he hasn't started stealing from stores or anything (yet), he just steals from his family...

NotURMomma's picture

Some kid stole something from me that had intense sentimental value to me; an adult had given it to me and it was beautiful and irreplaceable.

That was more than 30 years ago and I never really got over it! 

Your daughter very well will feel the same about this disgusting transgression; what your stepbrat did is reprehensible.

ashes54's picture

Yes, my daughter now has to hide her things in her own room since even there it isn't safe between the 2 SKids. She was pretty upset to say the least and it's incredibly frustrating for me that there isn't much I can do other than to tell her to make sure her stuff is hidden.

SS has even stolen money out of his 3 y.o 1/2 sister's piggy bank. It's awful.

NotURMomma's picture

Why do you stay? Is your DuH really that great? I wouldn’t stay if my kids were being victimized. Stealing shows disdain and hatred and selfishness.

NotURMomma's picture

I’m disengaged so I say nothing about Stepbrat’s malodorous visage. Although, my disdain is written all over my face; I can’t help it. It’s like being confronted with a diarrhea diaper. Absolutely vile and disgusting.

I don’t get it. He used to be normal-looking. Now he looks and smells like a homeless person and brags about how much junk food biohag and co give him.

He is truly repulsive and it shocks me.

Anyway, I would freak out if stepbrat touched my stuff or my kids’ stuff.