Full Custody
Hi guys. I'm new here! I'm 23 have been with my fiancé for 3 years.
My fiancé has a 4 year old daughter. Up until recently we had gotten her every Wednesday night and every other weekend. Now we are getting full custody due to her mother (who is 25) marrying an 18 year old boy after only 2 months of knowing him. He just got arrested for domestic violence and beat her so bad she was in the hospital. So now we have SD4 full time. My fiancé and I are also due with a baby girl next month. I know it sounds bad but I'm conflicted on if I want to stay in my relationship now that he has full custody. My SD is bad, constantly getting in my face telling me she hates me, tells my fiancé to punch me in the mouth when I tell her no, has tried to punch me in the stomach on a couple occasions, and tells me she can't wait to "beat the baby up". I am miserable. I love my fiancé so so much and I want to give our daughter a family but at the same time my SD just makes me not even want to be at home.
I really just need someone to tell me that it gets better when you have full custody. Or tell me that I'm not selfish for leaving a relationship and not giving my daughter a family.
- MiserableSM101's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
If your fiance is willing to
If your fiance is willing to work with his daughter, together with you, giving you full authority to discipline, you guys may be able to get his daughter in line. At 4 it's not too late, but only if he is willing to try to be a decent parent. At 4, her behavior is based on how she is parented. With you guys having full custody she won't have the influence of BM.
If you leave him, will he go for joint custody? If so, you may end up having to leave your child with him and the little darling without you present. IMO it would be better to try and work it out and get her behavior in order. If he turns out to be a crappy parent, unable to set and enforce appropriate limits and undermining you, leave and try your best not to give him much parenting time.
Luckily he is willing to work
Luckily he is willing to work with her. She has an appointment for therapy next week. I'm just worried that she really will try and hurt my baby.
Therapy is a very good start!
Therapy is a very good start!
What is your SO doing to help his daughter?
What is your So doing to help his daughter? She needs therapy and firm boundaries and an attentive father. If he will step up and parent her and get her the help she needs, she can probably be turned around. If he won't, you need to decide if you can live with her long term.
She has only been with us for
She has only been with us for a few days but she starts therapy next week. (As long as her mom signs off on it like she says she is going to) He gives her boundaries and disciplines her but she has seen so much violence between her mom and her stepdad that she now thinks it is normal and okay. I am terrified she is going to hurt my baby.
If it has only been a few days,
If it has only been a few days, you need give her some time. As awful as her home life may have been, she is still going to miss her mom and is going to be dealing with abandonment issues. She is probably also dealing with normal feelings of jealousy about the baby. I don't mean to dismiss your concerns for your baby - SO is going to need to step up to help you protect your baby from SD until you are sure her attitude and behavior has improved.
Give it a little time. If you
Give it a little time. If you're SO is going to be there for you and set boundaries and stick to them then her behavior will improve. But until you feel that she is safe to be around your baby you have the right to say she is not to be alone in a room with your baby
4 years old isn't too old to
4 years old isn't too old to stop this. Her life was turned upside down. She dealt with domestic abuse on a very real and extreme level. Punching in the mouth is what she was taught. You have to un-teach. It is very possible to do, but there is a lot of work involved and counseling for her and both your and your DH.
My heart breaks for this little girl, no child should have to do through what she has. I also understand your apprehension. None of us are in your home or know your family dynamic. I do think you need to consider the fact that your husband would get visitation at a minimum with the baby. He will also get overnights before she is 1. I would hope that you would not ever try and interfere with the father-child relationship that they will have. However, this also means that your bio child will be in the home with SD and you won't be there.
I would personally work hard with therapy and behavioral correction before I chose to leave in a situation like this. Like I said before at 4 you can still help this child and I think things could work out for you.
My dh also has full custody
My dh also just got full custody of sd9 this week. Bm has severe mental and drug issues. Before she moved in I set up a strict daily schedule and I parent through the schedule. I have the child help me around the house as well as help with cooking. We are keeping everything positive in our house and and are already seeing improvements in her mood.
I suggest creating a schedule for your sd4 and parenting through the schedule. Do not allow anything negative in your home and when she talks negative tell her that's not a nice way to talk and change the subject. She will eventually get better with a strict schedule. Also, limit her electronics because I noticed that my sd9 started getting depressed when she was on them too long.
I am pregnant and am planning to Lock the baby in it's room so I can make absolutly sure I am the only one in there and also not leave the baby alone for an instant with sd9. Because of her upbringing I can't be sure that she can be trusted around a baby. I advise you to do the same.
don't leave your dh. Your child will be unprotected from this girl. Good luck to you!
The kid need serious
The kid need serious counseling ASAP...She has seen and been around things NO child should be around...Thats why she is treating you that way....she is Not Bad...she suffered Trauma at her mothers house and her little brain needs therapy to process it...Please get your fiance to her some help...