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SD came into womanhood this morning

ashes54's picture

My SD11 started her period this morning. We knew it was coming for various reasons, but it officially happened this morning before school. 

Prior to the huge blow up between her and I a few months ago when I took a gigantic step back from both her and her brother as "mom", her and I had had "the talk" and I shared with her my first time experience and what to expect and all that wonderful stuff. So when it happened this morning, it was just me here, her dad had already left for work and I took a pretty calm approach to the whole thing. Showed her how to actually use a pad, gave her some extras just in case she needed them at school, and went about getting my youngest daughter ready for school. I mean in reality regardless of the situation, I'm not sure anyone wants to make it a big deal, I know I didn't when I was that age and it happened.

Even after all the awful things that have happened between SD and I, a piece of me is kind of sad that I am now in a position where I am disengaged and have no connection with her. That maternal instinct wants to be more there for her, but not at the price I have paid over the last several years. She doesn't want me around and no amount of "mothering" her will help that. But obviously as we hit this milestone today, I WANTED to be there for her but I could tell for her I was just the only adult in the house so she took what she could get.  

Comments

pickles45's picture

It sucks doesnt it? I would love to be more motherly and involved in SO's daughters life. I firmly believe the reasons I get so annoyed when she is her is becuase it's like having this living breathing human being in my home but that I have to "avoid". And I find it so frustrating. Thats why I come on here so much. I cant' say anything to her becuase it might her feelings and becuase my SO made it very clear that she has a mother and father to raise her. (Not in a mean way but in a "here's the ground rules" kind of way. And I know he is the way he is becuase he truly thinks it is the best for her and I.) and I can't say anything to him becuase he is a typicla overly defensive father who won't stand for anyone critizes his child (In his defense I would probably be the same way if I had a bio child). 

Living with children that we cant say what we want to when we want to an dhave them be ok with it is just so unnatural. And what pisses me off is from things I have read and seen on tv - Women let men come into their lives and "father" their children way more then men let us women "mother" theirs. 

ashes54's picture

I agree that feeling like you have to avoid someone in your own home is super frustrating, but for us it really has been easier that way. There definitely are still times where I see something happening and address it right then instead of waiting for H to get home. I have 2 kids of my own in the house also so I'm not going to just let my 2 skids run rampid, everyone is expected to follow our house rules. But outside of those occasions, it's kind of like passing in the halls with little to no communication. 

advice.only2's picture

Yeah it's hard and it sucks. When Spawn started I took her to the store since we didn't have anything and bought her a chocolate bar along with everything else and told her she can talk to me or ask me anything. She never talked with me or asked me questions. So I just let her figure it out.

BD started her period at 11 and that was completely different. She asked me questions, we shared horror stories and she asked me to help show her what to do and all that. Every month she comes to me going "MOM I started again!" and we laugh and joke and DH gets acts all "I need to leave the room" and it's normal.

It really is different when they are a bio versus a skid.

ashes54's picture

Yes! My oldest BD is almost 14 and she just started last year (she started late due to a medical condition), but when she started it was completely different and she still tells me every month when it happens and ends. She's pretty open with me about it LoL and luckily since I have an older daughter, I did have something at home for SD to use. When BD started, I didn't have anything and it was kind of this full panic moment for me LoL

futurobrillante99's picture

My DD26 got hers the first Monday of summer break, age 11, almost 12. She never had to tell me she was getting hers again because she took my trusted 28 day cycle down to a 26 day cycle IMMEDIATELY. Her estrogen was so strong, she altered my cycle (and it really pissed me off! LOL)

advice.only2's picture

I installed an app on BD's phone so she can track it, and she's been pretty good about it. After the first two months she was already on a pretty steady cycle. She usually gets hers before me so DH gets a crabby teenager then a crabby wife. LOL!

Jcksjj's picture

The idea of SD altering my own body in that way kind of makes me want to vomit. Idk how so many of you are able to be there for your SDs for this stuff because I just cant.

hereiam's picture

It does suck. It kind of gets easier as the years go by, but even now, after 23 years, there are times I catch myself wanting to do this or that for my SD28, but I don't dare.

ashes54's picture

Yeah, I've only really disengaged from SD for the last few months, prior to that and finding this site, I thought I HAD to be mom to the fullest. But with all the push back and nastiness, I finally sought out advice and found this place, and realized it was ok for me to step back and not try to be her mom, especially since she didn't want me to be. But it is hard, even more so when I have 2 BDs who I have wonderful relationships with and then there's this girl who hates me so much. I feel bad for having a different type of relationship with her. Ever since having stepped back though, things have gotten a lot less tense for me and I hope that as more time goes by, it'll just keep getting easier.

NotURMomma's picture

That intimate discussion about your first period should have been saved for your real daughter(s).

ashes54's picture

For a long time, I always treated my SD as if she were my BD, and my real BD who is almost 14 did have a similar discussion with me when she started. I mean, I only have one first period story so they'll all get it LoL I just remembered that despite SHARE, I was not prepared. I had this vision of how it was going to be and when it wasn't that way, I was terrified and thought I was dying or something and I didn't want any of them feeling that way.    

susanm's picture

It can be really uncomfortable when you have an SD that you don't particularly get along with already and then add hormones to the mix.  When my SD started she was in a place where she would not speak to me to let me know the house was on fire.  And if I so much as mentioned that it was snowing or that we were having chicken for dinner, you would have thought I had told her she was ugly and smelled like the catbox.  Any thoughts of "woman to woman bonding" were essentially pointless.  The closest we have ever gotten to it has been "I like your shoes."  "Thank you.  They were on sale."  LOL

ashes54's picture

LOL, your comment really made me chuckle, thank you!

My SD is in a pretty similar place, we don't speak to each other unless it's absolutely necessary - the daily chit chat is completely nonexistant. I can only imagine what adding hormones to the mix is going to be like. I dread it.

CLove's picture

Munchkin SD13 started at 11 too, and it was at midnight, after a long day of cleaning. For us, we are two peas in a pod (for now...) and when it happened, she knocked on the bedroom door to anounce its arrival, I was immediately upnatem, gave her the pad demo, as well as how to properly dispose. I even bought her a pad bag, for extras.

She announces when she gets it. I hang with the sort of crowd that considers it a positive thing, so I try to reinforce that to her. She asks me all kinds of questions, which I try to answer, such as the actual REASON women have their period, as well as the mechanics of how it happens. A few times shes called me from school when she had an accident and her mother - although home not working, never picked up the phone so I ended up being the resuer.

Her elder sister used to announce to everyone when it was happening, demand chocolate, and brag about what a "bloodbath" the bathroom was due to used pads. Hence the first part of her online moniker "Feral". So, in questioning Munchkin about where that habit came from it was her mother Toxic Troll who started the whole "just throw the bloody pad in the trash so everyone can see your cycle blood" thing. I made certain that wouldnt happen in MY household, partially because blood makes me woozy, even my own. And it realy is just gross.

Im sorry that steplife took away that specialness of sharing the kiddos first time. With us, I hugged Munchkin and told her congratulations, welcome to this part of womanhood. Bought her a celabratory chocolate bar, king sized. I have no bios of my own, btw, so this is it for me.

ashes54's picture

I'm so glad you have a close bond with your SD! I can only imagine how much easier that makes things. That's what I wanted but it became pretty clear from early on that wasn't in the cards for us. I tried for a long time but she only ever seemed to warm up to me when she wanted something and then it'd go right back. Once she started being openly hateful towards me, things really took a turn and I eventually stopped trying all together. Luckily I do have 2 bios and my relationship with both of them is great. I'm grateful for them. <3

Goodluck's picture

11 is so young. I feel awful for little girls who start so early.

I was a late bloomer and so were my girls. Very thankful for that actually.

 

 

ashes54's picture

I agree, it does seem so young! Although I was the same age when I started. It seems like this is kind of the new norm for girls though. It's not rare at all for them to be starting prior to middle school. My oldest BD was the ONLY one of her friends who hadn't started hers before middle school, but as I mentioned before that was due to a medical condition.

notasm3's picture

I don’t think that this is the “new” norm. I am in my 70s. Almost everyone in my age bracket started between 11 and 12. 

Evil3's picture

The subject of periods reminds me of DD19's last year of HS. She was taking Chemistry and asked DH if he could download a periodic table for her. DH found and presented DD with period tracking apps instead. DD immediately went into hysterics laughing so hard. DH had no clue that what he did wasn't what DD wanted. When I came home, DD told me and I couldn't help it. I lost it too. Ah, memories! LOL

Evil3's picture

He's normally brilliant, but this incident showed how desperate he is to please his daughters. His over zealousness to please the all-mighty girls backfired on him this time. LOL!

notasm3's picture

I was at a conference and my roommate was in some meetings that I was not attending.  She sent me a text asking me to bring her some pads. 

I did. I entered the room and proceeded to plop some notepads on her desk. She looked at me like I was nuts.  We had a failure to communicate.  We have laughed over this for years. 

thinkthrice's picture

especially when today's 11 year old mentally seems to be the equivalent of yesterday's 7yr old (especially in the majority of COD cases),   I remember the film Carrie and most of us thought getting a period at age 13 was rather young!  Must be all the hormones they are putting in everything nowadays.

Steptalker2's picture

Happened to me too. She had hers at our house. DH didn’t know what to do so I had to walk her through it.