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Was FDH trying to reconnect with his ex?

Anne Boleyn's picture

Not really sure how to handle this.

Tuesday I decided to use the family computer in the living room to go onto Facebook. I hardly ever use that computer but I did that day. As I typed in “Fa” the browser popped up a list of suggestions of where I wanted to go based on recent use. Its first suggestion was facebook./carollastname. I immediately knew something was wrong because Carol is FDH’s former girlfriend from before me. I texted him at work and asked what Carol’s last name was. He texted *immediately* back with her name and asked why I was asking.
So I opened up Google. I typed “Carol” in the search it immediately suggests I want to search for “Carol Lastname City and State”. Now I am furious.

Continued in comments...


Anne Boleyn's picture

I texted FDH and told him I asked her last name because I was wondering why the browser thought I’d like to visit her Facebook page and was also wondering why Google thought I wanted to find her when I simply typed Carol. He told me it was old cookies on the PC. I called BS immediately and reminded him that my brother fully wiped the computer at Christmas and there was no way cookies from over two years ago were still there. He then says “well, I did look her up out of curiosity. Don’t you ever look up your exes???” I explained that I have respect for him and our relationship so I do not go sniffing around looking for info on my exes.

At this point my blood is boiling. I have no idea what’s going on. I thought he was cheating or trying to start something. Here I am dealing with his ex-wife in my damn face all the time, his 4 kids and his financial problems and he throws in his ex-girlfriend when we are in the middle of couples counseling to improve our relationship?? Are you kidding me??

So I packed my stuff and left for a couple days. I didn’t tell him I was leaving but I am sure he guessed. I drove back to my old hometown and stayed with my best friend. While I was in the car I got all these long messages about how he shouldn’t have looked her up and he’s sorry and he should leave the past in the past, etc… I ignored them. He finally got home at 9PM and texted asking where I was. I ignored that too. Wednesday morning he texted saying “I wish you’d come home last night. I love you”. I responded by saying “That makes two of us who wishes things were different. You have been dishonest and betrayed me”. He apologized again.

Keep in mind, I still didn’t know what occurred. So I started emailing him yesterday afternoon. From what he says, he was working from home one day (probably when I had just had surgery) about two weeks ago and he got a spam email from her. He responded to it to tell her she’d been hacked. And he also told her that he was doing well and hoped the same for her. She did not respond. That inspired him to go online and start Google stalking her “to see what she’s up to”.

I explained to him that I really don’t completely buy this story. If his email to her was so innocent, why didn’t he send it to me? Why didn’t he mention it when it happened? And why on earth did he lie to me when I confronted him?? He said that he wanted to discuss it when he got home that night. He went on the computer and realized I was right and he deleted all pictures, emails, contact info, etc… (I asked him to get rid of the pictures over a year ago). From my perspective, he was just covering his tracks. I told him that when he was busted, he should’ve picked up the phone immediately and come clean. But the fact that he lied make it look worse.

I am going back home tonight. We have to leave in the morning for a wedding. I’m sure this will be the only topic for discussion tonight. I am really torn. If it really was a stupid, innocent mistake, I can let it go despite the fact that he had no business digging up the past, especially when we’re supposed to be working on our relationship. On the other hand, he’s deleted all evidence and I am sure has wiped the computer. So I will never know if he’s really telling me the truth about this or what else he may be hiding. I don’t want to be paranoid every time he’s on the phone or computer. And he does have a history of infidelity (not with me that I am aware of). I definitely don’t want to be a fool and continue to be lied to. What if he was trying to reconnect with her? What if he did? And even if he didn’t, this is a man who took two weeks to make the counseling appointment because he was too busy at work. It took him months to file for a change to CS so he wasn’t paying for a kid who is grown because he was too busy at work. But he has time to email and cyber stalk his ex while I am in the same house? Seriously, WTF?

misSTEP's picture

Hmmmmmmm....well, I am sure that he HAS gotten rid of all traces now that you were gone. That's too bad.

Do you know anything about computers? Did you know you can install a keylogger program so you can see exactly what they are doing on the computer even if they delete history etc?

Are you going to see the counselor again? I would definitely use this topic for discussion. He broke your trust. Even if he repairs it, it will never be the same trust as it was.

If he seriously was not doing anything wrong and just out of couriosity or whatever, he shouldn't have a problem with having an "open book" policy with you. That means, you know the passwords for his FB, email, phone and whatever and can check them when you feel the need to. But don't go down the trap of getting obsessed about checking stuff. If that ends up being the case, then there is no chance for your relationship because there is absolutely no trust.

Anne Boleyn's picture

We go back to the counselor next week and I will definitely bring this up. And tonight, I will be watching his face/body language very closely when I ask him to tell me again (verbally - not email) what happened and what his thought process was. If his story changes or his non-verbal cues tell me he's lying, he's got a major problem on his hands. We are supposed to be signing a new lease Tuesday morning to move to our new house. Not happening if he's not being honest.

He normally doesn't use that computer. I could install a key logger but then I'd need to do it on his phone and iPad and I can't. Also, really don't want to go down that path.

I'm thinking fof asking him to unlock his phone tonight so I can look at his texts. They may have been deleted but possibility he only focused on the computer.

Anne Boleyn's picture

If he was just looking her up, I think it was stupid and unnecessary but not a huge deal. The problem is that he could be lying.

Drac0's picture

>Gawd men are SOOOOO stupid. Fess up ! The truth shall set you free !<

Or give you a turbo jet-pack ride straight to the dog house LOL

Lying is the biggest deal breaker for any relationship. If a guy actually wants his girl to dump him; LIE, LIE, LIE!...about everything!

GF: "Do you have the time?"
MAN: *Looks at watch* "Nope" *walk away*

New second wife-step-mom's picture

I don't like lies.

It always makes me feel that if they will lie about something small or really insignificant than they will definitely lie about something bigger.

I am not sure if he was trying to connect with her or not but I guess now you will always wonder. :?

PeanutandSons's picture

I think you over reacted. Looking someone up on FB or googling their name isn't a huge deal. Unless you have reason to suspect he's actually cheating on you then its not a huge deal.

Anne Boleyn's picture

The fact that he lied when I asked him about it made me believe he was either cheating with her or trying to reconnect. That's what I reacted to. If he'd called and said "Don't get upset, this was no big deal and explained it" then I would've dealt with that. I do not think he needs to be checking up on his ex and I respect our relationship enough to leave my past in the past. But my reaction is to the fact that he outright lied when I asked why her name was all over the computer. That tells me that he was covering something bigger. I don't think his email to her was innocent. And now it is deleted.

And his profuse apologies make me feel like he knows he did something wrong. Otherwise he'd just tell me it was no big deal and get over it.

oldone's picture

I am not one to automatically trust.

But I have looked up info on an ex with absolutely no intention of starting anything. In fact I looked up the man who has stalked me in the past. But I did NOT contact him nor would I ever.

But trust your gut. It is rarely wrong.

Drac0's picture

I admit I have done the same.

I've looked up my ex on-line in the same manner as I've look up Great White sharks. They don't know you're looking and it's safer.

B22S22's picture

I-m so happy I was thinking along the same lines...

I've wondered sometimes if my DH doesn't wonder what it would be like to have a simple relationship with someone WITHOUT all the SK and BM drama.

Looking back on our relationship, although new, was so nice and fairly uncomplicated before anyone (read: SK's and BM) knew we were dating. There was no tension between me and SK's, no bazillion calls from BM trying to find out/then ruin our plans, etc.

But once our relationship was out in the open, it felt like we got hit from all sides. It was one dramafest after another, and it got old fast.

Heck, I've even wondered what it would be like to have a relationship without all the baggage. Not that I'd cheat, because most of all I despise cheaters (long story there).

Onefootout's picture

Looking her up on Facebook, not too big a deal. But two other things kind of concern me:

1) the real crime was trying to reconnect with her by replying to her spam email and asking her how she was doing, followed up by creeping her on the Internet when she didn't respond back.

2) you say he has a history of infidelity.

I would just proceed with caution and decide if you think you can trust this man. You know him best and will know if he's really changed his ways. I do think some men can.

we women have a sixth sense and we don't need to find evidence on a computer to know if a man is cheating. We usually know on some level because we notice every little behavioral change in him, no matter how subtle. So I think you probably know he's not cheated on you, physically, but he was emotionally unfaithful and you have a right to be mad.

sasha101's picture

I feel for you and I'm not surprised you're wondering what the hell he's up to. My dh did something similar a few months after we got married, only he ended up having full-on conversations over FB with his ex.

We live a long way from his hometown so he keeps up with his old friends through FB, something which I encouraged so he could stay in touch with people. He told me one day that he'd had a message from an old female friend who now lived in another country, and I thought nothing more of it at the time. A couple of weeks later I started to feel something wasn't right because when he'd been in touch with old friends before, he'd shared things with me, like if they'd posted something funny or showing me old pics they'd posted etc, but after mentioning this woman once, he never mentioned her again. I knew that this particular ex of his had moved to that country and I started to wonder if she was just simply an old friend or something more. I asked him outright if she was just a friend or whether she was an old flame and he was defensive and insisted she wasn't an ex. I didn't believe him so I snooped on his FB and found that they had indeed been much more than friends. There were long messages going backwards and forwards between them, most of it innocent catching up on what they were doing now etc and talking about old mutual friends from years ago, but there were also more personal references, like him commenting on the make up and clothes she used to wear, remembering her birthday and mention of a weekend away they'd had together. She said something about the break up wasn't an easy one and that she realised after that she'd been very immature, and he actually apologised and said he was also in the wrong. He said he'd always wanted to see her or speak to her again and she said she'd always felt the same.

Needless to say, I was absolutely furious! I'm a placid, laid back sort of person but I totally lost my temper and told him that if he ever did that again I could guarantee I would be divorcing him. It was especially hurtful as I'd been going through intense therapy for past abuse issues and he knew I was insecure about his exes as he'd told me far too much information about his past exploits when we were first together and because of my past abuse and all the emotional problems and loss of self esteem that comes with it, I felt second best to these "exciting" exes for a long time. He admitted that he didn't tell me she was an ex because he knew how insecure I was about his exes, but he still went and did it anyway. I felt totally betrayed and disrespected, specially as he was talking to her while I was at work, providing an income for him and his 3 kids who live with us.

I totally get that you're sacrificing a lot to deal with skids, skids bm, his financial problems and all the rest of the crap that comes with it because I feel the same. It's like we give, give, give and dh's just think it's okay to walk all over us and disrespect us despite everything we have to put up with, lying and doing things behind our back. They know if they do certain things it will hurt us but they still do it anyway and hope they don't get caught. My dh couldn't apologise enough when he realised how hurt and angry I was, and we had some couples counselling though had to stop because we couldn't afford to carry on. He accepted that I was angry with him and he accepted that I would be checking is FB and phone till I felt I could trust him again. I gave him hell for months and I did check them regularly and I made no secret of it. One condition I made clear was that he was to delete her and have no further contact with her and he did. I don't know whether he was deleting stuff but he's not very good with computers so probably wouldn't know how to wipe things off completely. It took a long time to trust him again and to get over it, and I know he wouldn't dare ever do something like that again.

I don't know whether you'll be able to get over this, specially if he has a history of cheating. It will take a long time before you'll be able to trust him again and he will have to accept that. I think for it to work you need to be very honest with each other. You deserve a proper explanation from him about what he was up to and he needs to know exactly how you feel. He cannot expect you to forget about something like this overnight and you need to be confident that he will not do something like this again. Keep up the counselling and discuss it as much as you need to in your sessions. You may be able to forgive him and trust him again in time, but it will be hard. I have forgiven my dh but will never forget what he did, and I don't think he will either.

fedup13's picture

I think it would be extremely enlightening if people actually knew just how many relationships are either severely damaged or ruined completely over facebook. I think it is a huge problem in today's society, and I think that there have been A LOT of divorces and A LOT of betrayal take place because of it.

oldone's picture

"It was especially hurtful as I'd been going through intense therapy for past abuse issues and he knew I was insecure about his exes as he'd told me far too much information about his past exploits when we were first together and because of my past abuse and all the emotional problems and loss of self esteem that comes with it"

Boy does that sound familiar. I've told my husband that if he ever cheated it would be the same as if he just punched me in the gut. Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. And I would consider cheating on me to be emotional abuse. I wouldn't give any man a second chance who sucker punched me - physically or emotionally. I've BTDT - learned my lesson.

hurtandalone's picture

While I admit I am totally hypocritical here, I look up ex’s all the time. Just for curiosity sake because I would NEVER, EVER want to be with one of them. But for example, the first love that I had ended up getting heavily into drugs (largely the reason we split) but I still google him sometimes just to see if he is still alive.

On the flip side, I totally do not trust my husband. He has been sneaky before, and in the very beginning stages of our relationship (when I thought we were exclusive, guess he didn’t) he slept with a girl. Why the H*LL I stayed I’ll never know because turns out that years down the road stuff like that STILL hurts, and still effects our marriage.

Another time we had a mutual female friend that was known to be very friendly with other women’s men and she started to only text my DH instead of me. So I asked to see the texts and he refused!!!! It was a HUGE blow up and I finally left the house. I told him that if I walk out of this house without seeing those texts then I will never trust you again. He still refused. Made it into my fault, like I should just trust him no matter what, and if he showed me the texts then that would somehow degrade the trust we had (WTF). I left and went to my friends. He finally got me home and then said I could see the phone and the messages. I told him to shove it because he had the opportunity to delete them when I was gone. And honestly, what I said when I left the house still stands true, I do not trust him at all, but the worst part about the whole thing is I almost don’t care. He goes away for business and I almost hope that he cheats on me so I can finally be free. It is miserable to be in a marriage where there is no trust, but not any other real reason to leave.

He is also known to erase messages from BM or only talk to her at work. He has a work email that there is no way that I could ever have access to and I am almost positive that is the way that they communicate. I hate it and it leaves such a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Everyone always says open communication, have passwords and so on, but how could I do that when he has a secure work email. A few months ago we had a huge blow up because he told me that he was chatting on gmail with his BM. I FREAKED OUT. He said it was to keep the peace, gauge how she was doing so he could tell that it would be “safe” just in case the skids go back to her. I said F THAT. I asked him to show me the chat. He freaked out, didn’t want to do it, and acted all suspicious and crazy. Finally after a HUGE fight he agreed but I guess that he had turned off the feature a while ago that saves the chats so I wasn’t able to look at it. It again turned into my fault, HE said he couldn’t live like that and we needed to split up. All because I asked to see a chat. I said “great, let’s do it” and started to look at places to go. Of course then he turned all sorry and tried to fix it and I gave in like always.

There are many many more stories, some that I will not even share because they still hurt way too bad. The only thing that I can say is that I wish that I had a sliver of self confidence when I met him because then I NEVER would have dated him.