Hello all.

I have been reading for a few weeks and have commented on a few posts but this is my first entry.

Background: My FDH and I will celebrate our second anniversary next week. We met, fell in love and spent 90% of our free time together then moved in together 8 months ago. I left my town (an hour away), my dear BD22, my home, my friends and everything behind to be with him. I am madly in love with him. I chose to raise my son alone when I had him at age 19. He has 4 children and was with his ex for over 20 years. They have been divorced for 6+ years. Kids are SS18, SD17, SD14, SD11. I have grown to love but not always like the kids. SD14 is great. SS18 is at college so out of the way but selfish when he is around. SD17 is sweet but has developmental delays and can be hard to handle sometimes. SD11 makes me crazy. She is spoiled and defiant. Fortunately, at my urging, the finally got her a counselor who sounds like she’s all about making the child earn her privileges.

I have been through hell in the last many months. So many “blending” issues that I wanted to run and hide. When we moved into our new house, it started off fine. The BM and I were even getting along rather well. But then I quickly realized that the boundary issues that I asked my FDH to handle with her were not being handled. Typical stuff that I read on this site….texting at all hours, expecting FDH to do stuff for her under the guise that it’s for the kids, playing the martyr, thinking she could walk in my house without knocking. She receives thousands of dollars a month in CS and alimony, leaving my FDH broke and me picking up the slack. She even went as far to expect him to take HER dog EOW when we have the kids (we also have them Thursday nights and he visits them at her house Tuesdays) despite the fact that her dog was terrorizing my cats. (My dog doesn’t do that.) I put my foot down on many things and she kept pushing. So now we are no longer on speaking terms. My FDH is trying to keep the peace but seriously has no backbone with her and has tremendous guilt issues about the kids. He’s gotten better but we still have a ways to go.

The issues with SD11 are the ones that are making me nuts right now. She’s about to get her parents dragged into court due to her refusal to go t school half the time. When I met him, the kid (9 at the time) was staying up all night. For two years I’ve been complaining about having to deal with a kid up at 1AM when there should be adult time. We recently finally agreed on a 12PM weekend bedtime but she was up until 1 last night. There were no boundaries and now we have small ones that are often pushed. She throws fits like she’s 2 years old which is the biggest issue. She is a pig—even eats with her hands sometimes. I once saw her pick up a freaking fried egg with runny yolks and start nibbling on it. Just gross. He doesn’t see those things. She is babied and coddled, especially since she was diagnosed with type I diabetes. I feel bad that she has to deal with than and am very supportive. But it’s not an excuse to treat everyone like crap.

The worst part is that she’s addicted to her computer and never wants to leave the house. After being here all day yesterday and doing nothing but staring at screens, we decided to take the kids out today. We live in a historic town and there is plenty to do and see. Beautiful day so we were venturing out. I knew it was going to be a fight. As expected, as I was standing at the door, ready to leave, I realize that she is in her pajamas. She threw a fit refusing to go when FDH told her to change clothes. The whole family was held hostage for over 30 minutes by her. This happens every damn time we ever try to do something enjoyable out of the house. EVERY TIME. It makes me livid.

She’s also very clingy with her dad and tries to “own” him when we are out of the house. Today, I felt like the rest of us were attending a special date she had with her dad. (Mind you, she didn’t want to go to begin with). As soon as we got out of the car, she grabs his hand and triumphantly smiles and walks proudly like “He’s MINE!”. The whole walk to the museum was like this. It was like the other SDs and I weren’t even there. Once at the museum, she was hanging on him (mind you, she is my height and has almost C cups). He was pointing all sorts of stuff out to her -- just her. This is not unusual. So after the museum and ice cream that she got all over her damn face like she’s three, we walked back the beautiful old town street to the car. She was walking in front of us talking to her sister. FDH finally noticed I was there and held my hand. Not two minutes later, she saw him holding my hand and came and grabbed his other hand. Now, walking three abreast holding hands on a crowded old street is just absurd and undoable. So I just dropped hands and let them go. One minute later, she was back talking to her sister again. It’s seriously a control thing with her.
Beyond my being terribly annoyed with her, I was feeling bad for the other kids who went mostly ignored. How can ONE person in a big family take up so much time and space? She did her best to ruin our day before we left then turned around and made the whole day about her. And of course, FDH had no clue why any of this would be a problem.

As stated earlier, she starts counseling soon with a tough person. FDH and BM are meeting with her to agree on a parenting contract. (I was told I wasn’t needed there to decide what behaviors are problems, what rules should be in place and what consequences there will be despite the fact that I am constantly being asked to be more of a parent and I was the one who pushed for boundaries, rules and the counselor and I have a degree in Psych). I am praying that something changes because I really don’t know if I can handle her behavior. It’s ridiculous.

Thanks for listening. And thanks for all of your blogs that have made me realize I am not crazy and alone in this.