You are here

It was a nightmare!

amyburemt's picture

I met my DH 9 years ago and we got married a couple years later. He has 2 daughters who are now 17 and 16 and I have 2 bios who are 17 and 15. I know, 4 teenagers right!!!  I believe at first my dh and I were naive in that we thought we could blend a family. I did not know what I was up against as far as BM went at all. She was unmedicated with huge mental health issues, had disowned a teenage son from another marriage,  and a completely horrible person. She started drilling into these girls heads that they should hate me, my kids weren't blood so they weren't family, there dad was a horrible person who hated them, etc as soon as I was in the picture. My DH spent almost 10 years in/out of court fighting her. Ultimately, because she never changed her ways, he was granted majority custody with the girls going to visit her twice a month. He was completely involved in their school, after school activities, shopping with them, etc. and we ended up with 3 out of our 4 kids are going to have the ability to graduate high school early. Meanwhile, the PAS sets in with my sd17 even though she only sees bm twice a month. Over the years, we had escalating very dramatic negative behavior. It starts with the whole "youre not my mom" thing, bm sends home 26 diaries for sd to write everything she hates about me in, then in 8th grade sd17 decides she wants to be anorexic, starts researching it online, we put a stop to it,(she was in counselling for years through all of this), in 9th grade she joins the cross country team at age 14 and has sex at bm's house with one of the 18 year olds on the team. (bm has no rules at her house, lets guys spend the night). then we find out she has had sex with multiple people. A couple months later she throws the fake rape card and accuses an invisible person of raping her at homecoming football game. we contact police and they pull up the camera footage and...nothing. the police confront her, she admits she lied. we have the juvy officer come to the house for 6 months to "scare her straight". she manipulates juvy officer into thinking she's on track. After that, it's minor things like fake injuries so she has to wear an ankle brace and wears it for 4 months, latching on to her younger sister and saying she needs her for emotional support, starts saying that she has anxiety and needs to come home from school, we continue with her counselling. Then she starts to have angry outbursts and continually goes to the school counselor for sympathy. She decides to tell the counselor that she "might" be suicidal. DH takes her to the hospital and they admit her for a week, then send her home with 6 months of intensive outpatient therapy. She uses absolutely zero tools that they teach her. She is switched around on 8 different medications and continues seeing a psychiatrist and counselor. Meanwhile other sd winds up pregnant at bm's house and has her baby , so her attention can no longer be on her sister. SD17 becomes more and more outwardly hostile to me and spews filth daily in emails to dh while she is at school. Then she starts threatening to move back to bm's house and go off her meds and not go to college. At 17, my dh and I are now exhausted by all of her antics. He lays it out to her that  she has 2 paths to choose from. One will take her to college and help her be successful and the other will not. She has a chiropractor appointment for fake jaw pain and my DH asks me to take her since he has work. I stupidly say sure. The day of the appointment she comes stomping downstairs all angry and I ignore it and take her to the appointment. At the chiropractors, he asks about her mental health. She tells him she has outbursts 5 times a day. he tells her that means she has underlying issues that she needs to confront and use tools to deal with. She doesn't like that answer apparently. I take her to school and she emails DH making up a bunch of lies, saying i'm a horrible person, mentally abusive, etc. then she tells dh she isn't coming home and goes to bm's house. Ive watched this girl go from a semi decent person to completely downhill over her high school career. This is what happens when the other parent brainwashes a child so thoroughly. She texted other sd last week and said she was coming to get her stuff, other sd told her she needed to come when dh was home. she didn't come that day. then she finally met up with dh and he basically told her that this path was her to choose, that he loved her and hoped that someday she would see the choices that she has made. she told him she's going off her meds and not going to school. We also find out she and bm have been planning this and she was basically looking to cause a big blowout so she could be ignorant and throw it in his face .  I  was her primary target which is why the blatant open hositility. I have told DH that whenever she is here picking up items, he needs to be here. I don't trust her, I think she's dangerous. He agreed.  I have never seen someone so able to create so much drama. Literally everything is turned into drama of some sort. She can't just ... be.    Today as I sit here writing this 1.5 weeks after her moving out, I am sad yet relieved. I am sad that we lost this battle and that my husband who has his children's best interest at heart was treated so horrendously by this girl who acts so terrible. I am sad because it does feel like a piece of our family is missing. Yet, I am relieved that I no longer have to walk around wondering when she will lash out again and I can relax in my own home and enjoy life. And then I feel guilty for feeling this. 

Comments

justmakingthebest's picture

You have been through hell and back! Try to focus on the time that you and your DH will have together, no longer in a swirling out of control battle. You guys have sacrifced a lot through the years, it is time to be selfish! Do all the things that you wanted to do for years  and get back to enjoying eachother!

Lemonygirl's picture

Just reading this reminded me so much of what we went through.

I finally had to completely and totally go gray rock, and disengage.   It's time now to take care of you and your spouse.  You have done all you can.  If you are no longer available as a target then she will have to find someone else to unleash on.

I wish you the best.  You did more than most, don't feel guilty.

Iamwoman's picture

Oh wow amyburemt! You have been through hell and deserve the break.

My DH and I went through similar (but not nearly as bad as yours because skids are boys and we’re much younger during the time) situation. When we finally sent them packing to go live FT with the HCBM who so thoroughly alienated them, we were relieved to not live in the hell the skids had turned our household into, but sad because we felt like we failed to make them into better people and because we thought that if we had not given up and given them back, they would eventually maybe make a turn around, but our marriage, other child, and household would be destroyed in the process. PAS really is a no win situation for all parties, which is why it boggles my mind that a parent would destroy their own child just to annoy an ex...

Thisbis what finally made me let go and feel better about it though:

My father, after hearing more skid antic stories, said to DH and I, “A child’s basic personality cannot be changed. They are who they. You cannot make who they are better, but you can cause harm with mistakes.” He told us this several years ago and we see it is true.

So many parents like to take credit for “great kids,” and find someone to blame for “bad kids,” but genetics play a major factor. Studies with twins separated at birth who grow up not knowing each other and wind up with identical careers and lives illustrate this point.

My point is that if your step daughters are embracing these horrible decisions, then chances are they would have made those mistakes once they left your home anyway. You were only delaying the inevitability bad choices that were coming down the pipeline regardless. It sounds like both stepdaughters have inherited their mother’s mental issues. 

Their choices to engage in and accept BM’s PAS, especially at this age, are choices they would have made perhaps at 18 or 20 anyway, and are absolutely NOT YOUR FAULT AT ALL.

We are the custodians of our children, not the makers or creators. We are teachers and guides, not puppeteers. Children are little people who grow into big people who are infused from conception with DNA that affects not just their appearance, but their mindset, choices, preferences, how they process information, and ultimately how they choose to live their lives.

I hope this helps you let go of them as budding adults who are choosing the low road for themselves. I hope it helps you also let go of any guilt or feelings that you can still “fix” them.

Tiger7's picture

My SD18 is particularly challenging - sounds similar to yours.  I only came into their lives 3 1/2 yrs ago and (SD18 & SD16) - they never lived with us thankfully and I truly believe that if I had met my SO when they were younger, he and I probably wouldn't have lasted.  We're getting married in Aug and I'm so grateful they're older now because I don't HAVE to deal with her behavior.  Glad your nightmare is over

Fishoutofwater's picture

Wow. Go on vacation and remind yourselves of the love that brought you two together and accept that you did your best. Feel no guilt  over this. Enjoy the calm. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

And remember, be gentle with yourself. It takes time to detox from long-term exposure to carp like this, and the lack of drama can echo for a while.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

More members will read your post if you do. The wall of words is difficult to navigate.

It's a heartbreaking story, and we sees lots like it on this site. But you can't fix bad genes, Amy. When mentally ill people reproduce, the crazy is passed on to another generation and no amount of nurturing can overcome it. Even if your SDs had had zero relationship with their mother, they still likely would have displayed symptoms of instability.

Give yourself permission to let go of the rope. Focus on yourself, your marriage, and your kids (who've been exposed to so much toxic carp). Move forward in a positive way, and don't allow your SDs' crazy to seep into your household.

 

I love dogs's picture

So the younger SD got pregnant and had a baby? Does your H pay CS to BM now? 

Maxwell09's picture

You did all you could. He did all he could. And to be fair I don’t really think it’s alienation but more of your stepdaughter trying to get BM to love her so she acts accordingly since that’s the only way to get BM to notice her. She knows y’all love her and theres that weird psychology that the kids will push against the ones they trust because they know they will always be there for them in the end. I think letting her fail, letting her take herself (or rely on BM) to all these appointments, letting her see for herself how BM deals with her will be the only way the girl will be able to recognize how much y’all have done and tolerated from her. All teens live in a romantic mindset about the grass being greener on the other side or that they’re sooo trapped and oppressed by their parents (and I mean real parents, not Disney or pop-up parents) they just can’t wait for “Freedom” and then....book reality comes and they realize their home is with the ones who’ve always taken care of them and they grow.