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Going to appointment with DH and BM

ksmom14's picture

This may get long, I'll try to keep it consise...3 skids (SS17, SD16, SD14) and 2 DDs (DD3, DD2) DH is primary, skids go to BM's every other weekend (other than SS17 he always stays with us becuase he works in our town). BM used to be very absent mom, would pass skids off to her mom on her weekends, constantly ask for swtiches, or late pick ups, etc. She then had a baby with her BF and they moved in, since then she's become....better. DH and I still do all appointments, any school issues, etc. Because of this, and because BM lives an hour away and works in medical feild (where she cannot access her phone constantly during work) DH always put himself and me on contact forms for the school (I beleive he listed BM as emergency contact).

Anyways! A few weeks ago SD14 apparantly made a joke (so she claims) to her friend during class about "ending it all" which the teacher witnessed and sent her to the counselor. The counselor talked to her, she claimed she was not suicidal, but probably depressed, and counselor sent her home on the bus. Counselor then called me (maybe he thought I was mom? I don't know really, but he gave me the cliffnotes and offered to connect us with counseling services. The counselor then emailed ME to set up an appointment, which I worked with DH on when we would go and he told BM to keep her in the loop. Well now BM has decided she's coming to the apointment and I do not like dealing with her :( 

This appointment is just an initial meeting with the counselor, without SD14, just to give the counselor our thoughts/impressions/info on SD14. After this we'll set up a meeting for SD14 to have an appointment by herself. I was on the fence wether I wanted to even go to the appointment initially (before I knew BM was going) because I wasn't sure I'd be needed since DH will be there. After thinking about it, I decided to go because I feel like DH and I have different veiws/ relationships with SD14, and I figured it might be useful for the counselor to have more points of veiw on the situation. So I made the appointment at a time where DH and I could both go (DDs still in daycare). Now I'm seriously regretting putting myself in a situation where I have to be in a room with BM and communicating with her. We don't have a bad relationship, but we dont' talk, and it's just awkward and uncomfortable, and stresses me the HELL out. 

Guess I'm just looking to vent, I know many of you will probably tell me to not be so involved. I do try to limit my involvemnt, but I do things when I feel that they'd actually be helpful and appreciated. I do care about my skids and want good things for them. 

Oh and considering I've been communicating with the counselor to set up the appointment, I'm sure she'll assume I'm mom, and then when BM walks in it will have to be this whole awkward explaination... 


ESMOD's picture

I would share my thoughts with my husband.. and stay home.  BM and DH are her bio parents.. and unless called into that circle by the counselor.. I would stay back.  It is likely that the person who called thought you were the bio-mother.

Harry's picture

Take care of her.  But BM can jump in anytime she wants, or wants control over you.  If her BM is so concern over her DD.  SD should be living with BM,  so she can play real mother.  BM put you in your place. You are just DH wife, not a mother to her child. 

STaround's picture

But in any event, if you have not made it clear that you are the are the SM you should do so immediately.   Your credibiltiy will be shot to hell if she finds out from anyone else

ksmom14's picture

So I wrote up an email to give the counselor a heads up, the last I got from her was "No, you don't need to bring anything, I'm looking forward to meeting you!" so my email says...

Great, thanks!

I will be there along with my husband, and SD14's mom BM. 

Not sure if it was communicated that I was SD14's step mom! She lives with DH and I primarily, and goes to BM's every other weekend in BMtown. 

See you soon!

Thisisnotus's picture

I wouldn't go. And in the future, I'd let DH handle it all and make sure that everyone knew that I was NOT a parent of said child.

It's just my opinion but why didn't DH make the appt? Why didnt the school call DH? If this kid has 2 actual parents, how come the school called you?  I mean all school forms are very to child.

notarelative's picture

It will be awkward, but you should go (to the initial meeting at least). Dad has primary and she lives with you. Let the bio parent take the lead, but be ready to answer questions the counselor has.

After working with SD, the counselor will decide which adults should be involved in specific sessions.


tog redux's picture

It would not be uncommon for you and DH to go separately from BM if necessary, for a second appointment. BM and DH can go to the first and you and DH go to the second.