Newbie here, My story - need some advice!
Ok, I will apologize first off on how long this will probably be but I feel like I need to give some background info so you get the full picture. I've worked for my FH for over 3 yrs now, we have been together for a little over a year. He has been divorced for 5 yrs and has a 9 yr. old son. He has admitted to me that after the divorce he did continue "seeing" the ex up until we got together. So of course she is convinced that I am the reason that they are not a "family" and has FSS convinced of this as well.
We have just recently moved in together and I dont know how to handle the child. The last time he was over and I was there FSS9 stayed outside and refused to come into the house. When he finally did he told me directly to my face that I needed to leave. How do you respond to that? He tells my FH that if he loved him he would be back with BM. He says that "he is a part of his mother and if FH doesnt love his mother he cant love him" Really, does a 9 yr. old come up with stuff like that himself? BM refuses to help in the situation and continues to threaten FH. They have been in court for over a year now fighting custody issues. She has filed 4 CPO's which temporarily stopped my FH's visistation with the child. This dragged on for months but were all eventually droppped. There is a GAL appointed for the child but she seems to be of no help for us. BM is teaching the child to lie to FH, has the child saying "its none of your business" to him when he asks him questions. She treats the child like he's her BFF and tells him everything that happens in court. He refused to talk to his father when he found out he had phone harassment charges pressed on BM. She called him 618 times in 24 days! We couldnt get any work done at the office and couldnt get any sleep because she would call all thru the day and night. Literally. The day after Christmas I went to stay at FH's house for the weekend (we werent living together at this time). We went shopping and while we were out BM called hysterical saying "you need to get home right now and confront your son". She said "I know you are with her, both of your cars are here and he (FSS) seen her stuff in the house". The whole time she's crying and screaming, the child is in the car with her and she said that she was at the house and refused to leave until we came back. I was driving us and refused to go back to the house because I did not want to get into a big fight with her in the driveway in front of the child so we went to the police station. My FH recorded the whole conversation (he records all of their conversations) so we had proof that she opened the garage and thats how she knew both of his cars were there. Well the cops followed us back to the house but by this time she was gone. When we went inside, all of my stuff that I had brought over for the weekend was gone. My duffel bag with all my clothes in it, all my makeup, blowdryer, straightener, hair products, perfume, bathing suit, everything. We called the cops back out but they said there was no proof it was her and could do nothing. FH has asked the child what happened to the bag and the child lies to him and still to this day continues to say they never went in to the house.
FSS9 is coming over this weekend and has already told FH that if I'm there he will run to the neighbors and call his mom to come and get him. What do we do? My FH wants to take him away for the weekend, I dont think that will solve anything. I need advice on what to say to the child when he tells me to leave. I dont have children of my own, so I dont know how to deal with situations like this. I had met the child multiple times before BM found out we were together and we always got along fine.
There is so much more to the story, but I'm sure you guys will find it out in time, I'm so glad I found this website! No one else I know is dealing with problems like this so it's nice to vent with people going thru the same thing!
I really would like some advice, other than to get out of the situation, which is what everyone has been telling me for months. I am in love with FH and really want it to work.
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Comments
Hold on to your hat, it's going to get bumpy!
First let me say, if my son ever acted in such a manner I would paint his back porch red. I don't give two hoots if it were at my house or my x husbands house. If he disrespected my x's GF in that manner, it would be butt whipping time. I guess that makes the difference though. I won't have my son acting like a idiot, and apparently this woman WANTS her son to act like one. Does FH discipline him? That's a tough road when one parent will and the other won't......especially when parental alienation syndrome is so obviously going on. I think FH needs to get a handle on his son though. Sit him down and talk to him with you there, let him know this type of behavior is not acceptable, isn't going to work anymore, and you WILL be there, and that's just the way it is. FH is the parent, the child is the child.........FH needs to remember that!!
Second, maybe BM is flipping her lid so much because you did meet her child without her knowledge. As a BM I have to admit, I'd be livid to. I want to know who my child is spending time with, I offer my x the info and I expect him to do the same. If he didn't, yes there would be hell to pay!! That's just a common courtsey between parents, and IMO, FH should have informed BM that you would be there and be spending time with thier child. JMO, of course.
Third, I wouldn't take him away for the weekend until he learns how to act like a normal, civilized person! It's only going to be worse cramped up in a hotel room miles from home. Daddy needs to put his foot down and hold to it, and all these problems will get better. BM will still be off her rocker, but you can control that to by not playing into it.
In your situation it's so easy to pinpoint what her problem is. She's jealous. Jealous that you have the man that she loved, he loves you....more than he did her because he's choosing you over her. She probably knows that once her son gets to know you he will love you just like his dad does. It's plain jealousy. So don't let it get you down. Everytime you realize how jealous she is smile, you must be rocking hot for her to be that jealous!!
Sorry but I agree with Crayon
Knowing how bad it can be, with only a quarter of your problems I say-run, run, run.
You maybe in love now but believe me this will tear the 2 or you apart by the end of the year.
Some days I have a hard time
Some days I have a hard time reading some of the posts. I feel much empathy for what many here are going through, then at times I get frustrated as well.
You are in the early stages of a potential nitemare. Clearly BM is a clear case of PAS.
I think the best advice is how you handle this situation for yourself. Offer FH support, but HE has to address this situation. If he says he is afraid of loosing his BS by doing too much , well guess what? Its already too late based on the info you posted.
If your FH is going to let this happen then you cant win. FH needs to do everything he can to stop the PAS and work to reverse the damage, either through therapy or change in custody.
You cannot be part of the solution while your presence causes an increase in issues. Your BF has to lay down the law that BS is going to sit his ass down and do as he is told. BM is going to follow all visitation guidelines and be made aware that all her lies and missteps are being recoded.
I would buy a cheap surveillance system and install around the house, showung your driveway and doorways. The cameras are small and transmit to a recorder in the house. You can get these for a very reasonable price.
Make sure you have confidence in how FH is handling the issues today. If he is going to meekly handle it, you can bank on more problems.
Did you notice how all 3 of us mentioned PAS?
Do you know what it is, and does your DH? If not we can offer you some very good reading. I bet FH would be shocked to hear how this fits right in with a horrible situation.
If he's not going to do anything about it, RUN. I don't care how in love you are.....you won't be after a couple of years of dealing with this.
Like the posts above mine...
:jawdrop: Good lord, your story is the perfect example of PAS...
hmmm.... I know is hard, you might feel you love him, but... although I am not in a similar situation, I have read MANY posts here, and things never seem to "calm down" they only keep getting worse... and you are not his wife yet!!!! you are lucky... I just want to tell you that it will NOT get easier, did you see the capitalized "NOT"? ok, just making sure... the child will get worse as he becomes a teenager, and the BM will make your life hell... that, my friend I learned by reading all the posts here... how miserable life is especially because of this BM in love of ur FH... and this one sounds crazy and on top of everything she bluntly makes her child part of this psycho game... sometimes is good to say "keep trying"... but to be honest some cases don't have a solution other than the "GET.THE.HELL.OUTTA.THERE.ASAP" one...
By the way...
Your post wasn't that long... we all write long stories to provide background info so don't apologize
Potential Nightmare
Is a good way to put it-mucho damage has been done to this boy already-scary about what is to come!
Also agree the BM is jealous and full of fury-not so good!
I know you want this realtionship-BUT-think hard-BF MUST be 100% behind the relationship and his son (delicate balance at best) at ALL costs for things to even weather this storm!
RUN!!!
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
They are treating you like
They are treating you like you are the other woman because you are. Bm assumed that they were going to have a life together and that she was the main squeeze because Bf continued to play the marital game until someone better came along.
Basically these people may be divorced on paper but emotionally they are not divorced and from the sound of it they may never be.
If you want us to tell you that its going to get better that is not going to happen. I don’t support the Bm or the kds psychotic behavior but your FH is responsible for it. Why do men want to plant their crops in the old field instead of moving forward and finding someone new.? Sounds like he was merely using her for sex and now she is very angry and bitter. She has been dictating his life all of this time and then you came along and she lost control.
As far as the kd is concerned, if I were going to stay in that intolerable situation, there would be some changes made. When he tells you to get out, tell him that he does not run the house and make the decisions. He is repeating everything that his Bm has told him and inhaled all the hate and bitterness. As far as Bf and the kd spending the weekend together alone maybe that would be a good idea. It would give his dad a chance to talk to him about the real world and how its going to be. Its always good for either parent to spend one on one time with the kd but at their convenience not at the kds demands.
Did FH change the locks on the doors or does she and the kd still have keys?
Wow, I appreciate your honesty
I never thought of myself as the "other woman" because I didnt know he continued to sleep with her after the divorce. That sounds lame even as I type it. So I can understand her being bitter and hurt, but enough for a year later to still be trying to turn her son away from his own father? I do agree with you that FH created a lot of this mess himself. He also knows that and has since apologized for it. I know this probably makes both of us look bad. We are in love though and have a great relationship.
She still has the garage door opener. FSS knew the garage door code at the time as well. We have since reset that code and just unplug the garage door every night.
Oh honey...
Not to sound condescending - because I REALLY don't mean it to come across that way - but you are right...you DON'T get it...so you have come to the right place!!!!
See, you are thinking LOGICALLY. BM is NOT. There is no logic, reason, or rationality when it comes to a BM who is angry, bitter, hurt, and jealous. There is no amount of time that passes where you can think she should be over it by now. A year may seem like forever to YOU...but there are many of us here that can tell you have that we have been dealing with this crap for 3, 4, 5+ years. Based on your post, this is NOT going to get better...for a very long time...if ever. And FSS is of an age that he understands exactly what is going on here - you won't be able to hide much from him. Which means he will enter his emotional teen years already full of rage and anger. A recipe for disaster.
Contrary to the popular phrase, love does not conquer all things. If you REALLY love this guy...then buckle up...because you are in for the ride of your life. I hope that doesn't come across too harshly - but you came here because you wanted honesty right?? I wish someone had told me this stuff at the beginning...
Best of luck to you. Keep posting and we'll all work together on this!!
Thanks for all your responses!
Thank you all for listening and responding. I dont really know what this PAS is all about so any links or info you can forward on would be great.
My FH has the classic "feels too guilty to discipline the child" that he didnt get to see hardly at all last summer. He is also afraid to do anything, since BM has made a child abuse report. The police and CSB both confirmed it to be unfounded, but now he's scared to even raise his voice to the child. I clearly dont know what to say to the child. When he was outside refusing to come in, FSS said I will come in if she stays outside and all I said was "I'm sorry kiddo, but that's not going to happen". I dont know if this was right or wrong as I now question everything I say and do.
I do admit that there are things we didnt handle appropriately. When I met the child previously BM did know about it. We work in the same office so FH would bring FSS in and it was never an issue. However, BM didnt know we were together. We were afraid it would make things worse. FH also let FSS hear him say that BM was crazy. This was by accident, but it did happen. Well within 2 hours of being back to BM's house FSS must have told her because he then called FH and says "if you think moms crazy then you must think that about me too" and "you know when you are being mean to mom, your really being mean to me". Do you guys really think a child comes up with this stuff on his own? I dont get it.
She keeps threatening FH that he will never see the child again. On superbowl Sunday (which was the day after me, FSS, and FH went to ChuckECheese together) she flipped out, kept calling and crying and asked my FH if he would go and get the dog from her house tomorrow. She was hysterical and making it sound like she was taking off, the next day the kid never shows up for school, so of course we are in a panic. After multiple calls to police, GAL, and attorneys we finally get a response from GAL who says that she kept him out of school to take him to a waterpark for his birthday which was in a couple of days. It made us look like we were the crazy ones and freaking out over nothing. We tell GAL that she keeps threatening to move away with the child and all GAL says is she cant and we will deal with that if she puts in a motion to change the divorce decree. What the heck is that!?
Correct me if I'm wrong here, but I thought that once you became a mother you just put the childs needs in front of your own. She is convinced that if they cant be a family then she will do whatever she can to not have FH in the childs life at all. She is 34 yrs. old, she has to know that it is better for the child to have a father, doesnt she? I dont understand, most of my friends just wish their childs father would be in their childs life. My FH has already spent over $6,000 in lawyers fees fighting for his right to see the child with no end in sight.
Glad you found us!
All the replies to your blog are very true, please take what they say very seriously. We have 5 children in our house (we have custody of all of them), 2 of which are my skids, 17 & 11. Their BM was as much a part of their life after my DH divorced her and it seemed, as an outsider looking in, they were still married. Just as your BF and the BM were before you two got together.
Your BF DOES need to put a stop to this right now, and as stepmomjen states, "if he's not going to do anything about it, RUN. We all understand what your about to jump into and how the love you have for your BF can cloud your judgement. But sometimes love is not enough. And with you not having any children of your own, I don't want this to have a negative influence on the decision of having a child of your own.
If you do plan on sticking around, you need to set rules in place with your BF and YOUR HOME together. And he needs to relay those rules to his son and the BM. If he does not do this, she will weasel her way in all she can, and SS will do everything in his power to make your life a living hell.
I have been married to my DH for 3 years, and I have been through and I am still going through hell with my skids & BM. And now I catch myself remembering what life was like before I received the title "stepmom". You can give your whole heart to your BF and SS and give everything you have to make it work, but when you don't receive it back it changes who you are and what you believe in.
Please take some time and read through the blogs on this website, and put yourself in the shoes of the ones who have been through it and imagine living your life like this, DAILY.
And of course, this is a wonderful website, and whatever you choose we will all stand behind you and support you and give you advice when needed.
Good luck and keep us updated.
Here is a link, I think you'll find it interesting.
http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/pas/walsh99.htm
Just copy and paste into your browser. You can always put Parental Alienation Syndrome into google and find tons of links there to.
Happy reading!!
PS...I understand what you are going through. I didn't mean to come down to hard, and I hope I didn't. I just hate to see someone go down such a scarey path.....but you are in the right place. We are here to help and listen to any whine you may have, no matter how big or small! (((((((hugs)))))))
I am in total shock
Thank you for the info! I already googled it after all the initial responses and have spent the last 2 hours reading about PAS. I am completly shocked to say the least. The symptoms are so her to a T, it's scary. I mean it really couldnt be more dead on. I have forwarded info to BF and he agrees with it as well. So now that we know all that, what can we do about it???
Oh and dont worry, you or anyone else didnt come down too hard on me. Maybe opened my eyes a bit, but thats a good thing. I just honestly wish I would have gotten on this website BEFORE I moved in with BF. I might have held out on that a little longer.
I will definitely update you guys on what happens this weekend as it is our first weekend having the child since I've moved in. How sad is it that I'm 30 yrs old and scared to death of a 9 yr old!
How successful you are in
How successful you are in dealing with the kid really will depend on your BF. If he guilt parents & lets the kid walk all over you and him, it will only get worse. If he strictly make the kid follow rules and gives out consequences for rude behavior, you might have a chance i ending up with a decent relationship with his son. He's obviously very angry that his dad is not playing house with his mommy anymore and is going to blame you. Just try to be polite, keep your distance and let you BF handle bad behavior. If he doesn't, it will only get worse. I hope this kid isn't there very often!
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
Bm
He is abusing you and being mean just like his mom taught him. Never let him think that you are afraid of him. Stand up to him all the time and if Bf doesn't back you up then its time for you to think about changing your address.
The child needs counseling before all that anger destroys his life and that would be the best thing you could do for him. Demand it and insist that Bf do his job and parent the child.
I really think you need to
I really think you need to help FH by informing him, arming him with the PAS info is nice. But you cant tell him what to do. You need to see what he is/will do before you put on the hip waders and start scooping with him.
You said: "I do agree with you that FH created a lot of this mess himself. He also knows that and has since apologized for it. "
Who did he apologize to? Is he sayint to you he is sorry he helped cause a potential nightmare? I keep repeating myself here, but you need to see what FH does. If he remains more or less passive with the, what can I do? excuse you should run. If you see him digging in and taking on BM in the best interests of his children and DOES something about it, then congrats, you found yourself a MAN.
year
One year later? Of course one year later or in my case 11 years later. I wanted to get her signed up for match.com or some kind of dating service just so she would stop harping on us. Eventually someone felt sorry for her and sent a man down there just like she is. Someone looking for a meal ticket and a free place to stay. The gigolo is still there and crying in his beer because ALL the money will be stopping soon and how are they going to live? Once she got the boyfriend she had something else to think about and left us alone.
You dont have any thing to feel guilty about because you are an innocent victim in all of this.
It's only going to get worse
It's only going to get worse as he gets older.
If I were you and I speak form experience get out while you can.
Please don't get tied up into all this mess.
No matter what, you will still have to be involved with the ex and ex's family etc and she sounds like a psycho her kid sounds like a spoiled brat from hell.
I wouldn't even get involved in this Trust me it's not worth it and it takes a toll on your physical and emotional health.
This kid obviously can't be reasoned with and it sounds like his father is enabling him if he allows the child to act like that towards you.
I know you want to stay and you love the guy but living like this isn't worth it.
"Welcome to the world of Meatloaf and Minivans"
Me
As they've said on here
As they've said on here before "Run Forest Run!" REally...it's not too late!
2inluv2run
If you are going to stay in this relationship please insist that FH, you and the child start counseling. As far as the kd goes his father needs to get him in counseling even if you are not in the pic.
Wow, you are is a tough spot
I haven't read everyone's responses so do forgive me if I repeat someone else's advice. You are in a messed up situation. It sounds like your bf was just stringing the bm along. Who knows what was said between them. He may have even talked about reconciling. The poor kid is probably being fed that crap because the bm is hurting and wants to lash out and your bf and now the kid thinks you are trying to wreck what he thought was their happy family.
As long as bm feels this way and she is brainwashing the kid you are going to have a bad time. At first, things are more bearable because love keeps you afloat but you will get weary of dealing with all of the bullcrap.
If this is going to work, you may want to consider counseling for you and bf and the kid as well. I am sorry if I sound all gloom and doom but step sucks and you already have alot on your plate. Are you really ready to deal with an emotionally messed up kid and a scorned bm? Longterm? This is really the question. Bm may take a long time to move on and even if she does she may harbor resentment against the dad for an even longer time. This all equates to misery for you.
And what about your family plans? Do you want kids of your own? How would the kid and bm react then? You may really want to consider if you are ready to live through all of this mess.
No matter what you do, we are here for you. I wish you all of the luck you can handle.
Georgie
keep your chin up but keep your mind clear
I'm going to say what's already been said a few times. Proceed with caution. You are in for one bumpy ride. It's going to take years for things to ease up. IMHO:
-He needs to stand up to BM and find ways to put an end to this crap. If he lets her do this, she will continue. Not to mention that if he doesn't stand up to her, it means that her feelings matter more than yours do.
-SS needs serious therapy and counseling. He's a very angry child due to his mother's PAS tactics. Even with all the therapy, he may never be nice or even respectful to you. Is something you can deal with for 9 years?
-BM will ALWAYS hate you. There are women who move on after their divorce but this BM sounds like she won't be one of those women. Can you handle her endless tirade of insults?
Think all these things through. I wish you the best of luck. If you ever need a good dose reality, type away. We'll be sure to give it you.
Replies
Once again, thank you all for your advice. It is not exactly what I wanted to hear, but honest and I appreciate that. I'm not willing to leave yet. I did just move in so I'm going to give it some time before we get married and see how things go. We do want to get married though and have children of our own in the near future. BF thinks this might help the situation since FSS has always said that he wanted a sibling. I'm worried it will just cause BM to react more severly.
So if I cant handle it, the worst that happens is I move out, oh and lose my job because did I mention he's my boss? Lol, yea I know I've gotten myself into a messy situation.
A lot of you guys mentioned counseling and I wanted to let you know that the child is currently in counseling. Also, GAL just ordered psychological evals for both BM and my BF. BF asked for this hoping that it will help us. Also, BM has been found to be in "contempt of court" for last Wed when she signed the child out of school early and took him when BF was supposed to pick him up and have him. We think this has got to be good for us and hopefully the judge will start to see that she is trying to keep the child from his father.
The GAL is coming over to our house this weekend for a visit. I dont know if she's just going to be checking out the childs environment at our place or what. I'm extremely nervous as I hope shes not going to be evaluating my interaction with FSS since that didnt go real well last time.
I do understand why BM feels scorned and know that she will probably hate me forever. They had so many problems before I was even in the picture and BF did reassure me again last night that he definitely told her that it was over before we even started seeing each other. I know she will never believe this since now she probably thinks we've been together the whole time I've worked for him. Will this not get better when she gets a man in her life? Oh one more issue I didnt mention yesterday is that me and BM have the same name. Yes, the same first name, same middle initial. Me and BF are talking about getting married and when we do me and BM will have exactly the same name. This concerns me since she has terrible credit and there is bill collectors calling the house for her all the time. I'm worried that our credit is going to get mixed, do you guys think thats possible? I mean I know they go by ss# and all but we will have the exact same name and same address. I must be crazy, maybe I should be the one getting the eval lol!
LOL...me too
I have nearly the same name as BM...and I was worried about the exact same thing. Especially with SD's school and stuff.
If you are really concerned, just keep your maiden name on all legal documents.
I would be worried about that
if I were you I would use a hypenated name. That way legally you have your madien name still connected BUT you can just go by her FHs last name for all other things.