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Just when I thought we were making progress..

msg1986's picture

Just when I think Fmil is getting the point I get a rude awakening. This is long and if anyone reads this and gives me feed back, thank you so much, I really appreciate it!!!

I think I've mentioned before that when fdh and I began dating he working out of town mon-fri and when he came home on the weekends he lived with his mom & step dad thus she did a lot of the care taking of fss, well in addition to that she'd pick up fss from bm on fridays b/c fmil works in the city bm lives in. I thought it was irresponsible for fdh to be letting his mother do the transportation on fri but hey, we were justing dating and none of my business.

Well when we bought our home fmil got really intrusive and started acting controlling with us. I honestly feel like it was b/c fdh moved out and she felt like didn't have control anymore of her son & grandson. The last time she picked up fss we went to get him and she opened the door but kept the screen door locked and started screaming at fdh that she was his mom and he needed to appreciate her because she picks up fss for him and he needed to come see her more (she was mad because we weren't spending as much time there and she was mad that we were just swinging by to pick up fss and not to hang out) and she wouldn't unlock the door to let fss out, she even started crying like a wacko, it was ridiculous. Anyway, after that last fiasco I talked to fdh and said that these things were happening with fmil b/c he was relying on his her to pick fss up thus she thinks he owes her something, hell she thinks I owe her something so since that last melt down he hasn't allowed her to pick fss up from bm for him, we'll take him to see her for a few hours or she'll pick him up to go to church sometimes but other than that, no pick ups.

2 weeks ago she calls fdh and asks if she can pick up fss b/c she wanted to do something w/ him that afternoon, fdh says sure why not because lately she seems to backing off and seems to understand her place. well when we go to pick fss up we notice when he's interacting w/ grandma instead of being polite to ask for things like he usually does with us, for ex. instead of asking for juice, he looks at the juice and points at it and she scrambles over to fss and gives him the juice. so fdh says "hey you need to ask for juice fss, you don't point like that!" and fmil and fsil get all emotional telling fdh to leave fss alone. fdh let it go and we left. whatever, fine, right?

Wellllll, flash forward to this weekend she call fdh and asks him again if she can pick up fss, fdh knows he's getting out of work late and says sure why not. I got annoyed and told fdh that he's going to stir up problems again with his mom because even though she's asking to pick up fss she's going to interpret that as though she's doing fdh a favor and start being cray cray again...

well fdh calls fmil and asks if she can please be on fss with his manners as far as asking for things and saying please, thank you etc and also when they eat dinner to please have him sit with them and eat what they are eating because that's what we're working on with him at home. fmil says sure and hangs up. well an hour later, after dwelling I guess? She calls fdh back and starts tearing into fdh that he doesn't need to call her and tell what what do with fss that when fss is with her it's her time and she can do whatever she wants and feed him whatever he wants because she thinks kids have a choice of what they want to eat and it's not right that fdh is trying to make him eat the food we eat because fss is picky, fdh cuts her off and says, if she refuses to do those things w/fss then he doesn't need to allow fss to visit her and that he'd be right there to pick him up at which point fmil slows her roll and says no no please don't get him, and that she'll do it...

So later on that day she calls and asks if fss can spend the night with her b/c he hasn't spent the night in a while-fdh says okay but that he'll get him early saturday morning. fmil calls Sat morning says she'll just bring him by b/c she's on her way to the mall. Well when she gets there I ask fdh is he can just let fss in and tell fmil we're leaving (to imply to her that she doens't need to come in) because I was getting ready and the house a mess, well next thing i know fmil and fsil are in MY bedroom looking at our new puppy ooohing and ahhing! I was pissed. First of all I didn't want them to come in because the house was messy and I certainly didn't want them in MY bedroom. Fdh comes into the bathroom and I ask him why the HELL is his mom and sister in our bedroom and he says they kind of just walked past him and went in without asking him and he also says that fmil wants to "talk" to us. So I thought oooh here we go... so I got out into the living room which fmil & fsil had already gone into and fmil says "I'd like to talk to you guys.." and starts walking into my bedroom. I feel stupid now even writing this, I should have said "hell no and get the F outta my house" but I didn't. Sad Sooo fmil, fdh and i go into our bedroom and she starts going off saying that she thinks that fdh is too hard on fss and that she thinks that fdh yells at fss and fss told her he wanted to go back to bm b/c fdh is mean to him. so she was basically there scolding fdh for parenting his child. fdh is nowhere mean to fss, he corrects him when he needs it and lately we've been working on his food issues but c'mon. fmil husband likes to sing a song to fss about pulling his hair when it gets long and he'll playfully tug his hair and he went home once and told bm papa is pulling my hair!! in addition to that fss just got a new game at bms and was even asking us to take him home early bc he wanted to play his new game, I seriously think this all happened because of what fdh asked her to do on friday in regards to fss. fdh didn't say anything he just asid "...okay mom". I think she made him feel guilty like him pareting his kid is wrong... ughhhh I'm livid though. I wanted to say something but I have this whole "don't want to disrespect fmil" in my head but she's disrepecting me!!! Taking me and fdh into our own bedroom to give a scolding, she even starting doing that shaking her finger at fdh like shame on you. At this point I'm wondering if I should speak up if this happens again because no matter how many times fdh shuts her down she seems to come up with something else. I don't even want this woman in my house again, of course that isn't realistic, I just want her to know what she did was majorly inappropriate and that if we want advice from her we'll ask! Should I keep keeping my mouth shut??

To top it she had the audacity to call sunday morning asking if fss to could go to church with her, fdh told her no and then she started asking "are you treating fss nice? you're not yelling at him, are you?" fdh just said "bye mom" and hung up on her. This woman needs to swallow a dose of reality and realize that she had her chance to raise her kids and now isn't the time to trying to raise fss vicariously thru fdh. smfh!!!

Comments

msg1986's picture

Right??? I told fdh that same thing to fdh that day, except for this, "It's your DH's weekend, after all, not 'grandma's weekend'."-which I will bring up later, thank you!!

Do you think I would be out of line if I say something to fmil in the future? She's always trying to be in our business and I'm sick of it...

msg1986's picture

I see... Yeah I def don't want problems down the road with her.

what would you suggest if she comes into my home again and tries to ask us to go into the room with her like naughty children? I dont care if she tell fdh crap, I mean it's his mom and he wants to put up with that by all means, but I certainly don't need anyone scolding me in my own home, ya know?

oldone's picture

Easy solution here. Just remove this woman from your life and most especially from SS's life.

It doesnt' have to be permanent. Just make her sweat. Tell her she will NEVER see the kid again if she doesn't act right.

msg1986's picture

Fdh has fss every weekend so fmil wasn't taking care of fss during the week at anytime. Before buying a home together we spent a lot of time at fmils house because that's where he was living and during that time too fmil got along really well and although she would try to tell fdh how he should be handling situations fdh would ignore her for the most part, when he didn't it's because fmil would cry to fdh that she'd just trying to help him with fss and put a guilt trip on him. Don't get me wrong, she did help fdh with fss but not in a way that someone would think that fdh wasn't taking care of his own kid.

When we bought out home in May she changed with me, it was like she didn't see me as friend anymore, she started to act like she was my mother and started trying to boss me around too and i cut all communication with her that wasn't need. I was never rude, I just communicated with her regarding fdh or fss, nothing outside of that.

You're dead on there about her not seeing him a grown up and that's why she thought it okay to ask us to go into the room. Fmil is very passive aggressive and when fdh has called her out on her behavior she'll start crying saying no one appreciates her. At this point I just want to know if I should remain quiet if it happens again?

stepmom31's picture

I read through your blog because I'm having problems with my in-laws and boundaries too. My story is a different though, I had a pretty good relationship with them until we moved in with them. I did NOT want to move in, but DH wanted to help them save their house from foreclosure and we were renting anyway. Now, MIL tries to deal directly with my kids (who are very young) and doesn't have the courtesy to ask me first! She has something critical to say everyday, and has even yelled at me and DH to give our kid something which we are trying to cut out in order for kid to develop good habits.

I'm at the point where I too don't want my MIL doing anything for our kids, but of course DH doesn't see it that way because as soon as I ask him to help me with a kid, he hands the task off to MIL, who literally pounces on the chance to have her way.

I have tried venting to DH, he doesn't know what to do, he says accept because his parents are never going to change.

I have tried speaking up to my MIL and pointing out what the courteous thing to do would be. She said "next time", and then when the "next time"came around she did the exact same thing and laughed and said to me "I did it again."

I feel so stressed all the time, even just seeing my in-laws, sends up my blood pressure.

I don't know what to tell you, but maybe, stay out of it, it's not your mother, you don't owe her anything, if DH wants her help, let him deal with her. And say something about them being in your room, because if you don't, they're going to think they can do it again.

stepmomto3bioto1's picture

Hmm... Id personally not say anything to MIL at this time. But. Theres NO way Id allow my MIL to waltz into MY house & take me to my bedroom to reprimand us!!! Heck no!! Next time, tell her No, that the living room is just fine & dandy!! If you keep allowing her to do that now, itll dictate the future. Ugh.

Personally, distance sounds good for you guys at this point. Your in Your new home & you and him need time to develop your family as you two, DH & You, see fit!! Id keep your weekends with SS to yourselves for awhile. Theres no shame in just "being busy & having plans with SS, sorry". You guys need to develop your family free of MIL trying to dictate it.

Kids NEED structure, in fact, they truly Want it!!! Before long you guys will be able to make your family work as youd both like. Once you feel a good enough time has passed, then perhaps try to re-intergrate MIL back into the mix. Start off small tho, not overnight for awhile-- perhaps to church would be good. Gives MIL time with her Grandson. But, your DH, will need to make it crystal clear-- hes the parent, not her. She gets to be a grandparent but not dictate how y'all run your family & home!!!!

My MIL didnt teach her kids, my hubby, a thing about nutrician. The silly lady made different meals per each kid. Nutso if you ask me! She thinks its Abuse to have kids eat at meals if theyd rather eat sugary snacks all day instead. Makes me shake my head!! As a result, all 3 of her kids eat NO veggies or fruits. Now of course when her kids had kids of their own-- lmao-- none of them make yummy wholesome meals for their families or kids!!!!! The results?? DHs kids eat no fruits & veggies. SSs are vitamin deficient!! Like have serious health issues now!!! Me & my SILs have had to deal with this now too as a result!! It makes life difficult when MIL is stilll telling our DHs we are mean & that we are "fucking our kids up" by having them take vitamins & try to get them to try to eat fruits & veggies & eat Meals....gasp!!!!!! Its Crazy!!!!

MIL came to visit once for a weekend & Brought the skids with them for the weekend. I was pissed when she saw my DD8 grab a apple for a snack (she picked her snack herself btw) and my MIL asked my DD8 "what was wrong with her & if I "force" my DD8 to eat such things". My DD8 said "no- I LOVE apples" "why would Mommy force me"? I was pissed & DH knew it!!! But I was proud of how DD8 handled it!!!! Yay!!!

That same weekend at meals, SS11 refused to eat the meal I prepared (& it was his fav btw) homemade lasagna. Our rule here is if the kids opt to not eat the meal we make, the only alternative is they themselves make a pb&j sandwich. Our counselor suggested that & it always works. So DH told SS to make himself one. Oh heck no, MIL, infront of us-- told SS he didnt have to do that-- that he could eat Little Debbie snacks instead of a meal!!!!!

So for about 2 months afterwards SS Refused to eat any & all meals!!! Then of course all the kids tried to do it!!! It was a nightmare to turn around-- except for DD8- who knows the crap dont work for me/her.

My MIL was too intrusive. But she did apologize after DH told her what she started!!!

I hope things get better for ya!! In my opinion, if you choose to put some space between y'all theres no need to say anything to MIL about it. Just act busy with family plans when she asks to take SS. Make rules & consequences with your DH & implement them.

Best of luck!!

msg1986's picture

Thank you so much for your comment, I think distance is a good thing right now too. I feel like fss is having a hard time with the rules of bms house, this house and gma's house and it's causing problems.i think it is good to develop a sense of family in THIS house. Thank you thank you.

fmil is the same way. when fss is with her all she feeds him is pb&j, tortillas and chicken nuggets because she "believes kid have a right to choose what they want to eat"