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msg1986's picture

BM has a new friend that lives near us and has been hanging out in area. Well for the past 2 weekends she has text fdh that she would "meet" him to pick up fss. Usually we drive fss home which is about 45 minutes away because bm has always refused to meet up unless we give her 20 dollars. For the record We've just turned in the paperwork for a parenting plan to be established so that there are guidelines as far as pick ups/drop offs. fdh pays child support but because he and bm never turned in parenting plan there is nothing set in stone that she HAS to meet us anywhere for pick up/drop off nor is there anything is writing that fdh has fss every weekend...Some History: fdh and bm got along great before fdh and I got together and the judge left it up to them to fill out and turn in parenting plan and they never got around to it. However they were only "getting along" because fdh was always giving bm extra money because if he didn't comply she would always threaten to "never let him see his son again" as she likes to say... so she got her extra cash and fdh got to see his son, everyone was happy... well when I came into the picture I put my foot down on that... Apparenlty fdh didn't realize he had rights and didn't need to be giving bm extra cash... yeah I know. Also When she found out about me she suddenly wanted him back and when he shut her down she decided she hated me, she's actually stated to him that she wishes that she "could just kill me" and "why can't msg1986 just die." thus we are where we are.

Anyway back to the issue... the first 2 times she was at this new friends house she'd text that she'd meet us and then when go time came she demanded that we go find whatever house she's hanging out at to drop off fss, fdh refused both times advising her that he wasn't going to go searching for her to drop fss off and eventually she gave in and met up with us @ walgreens to pick up fss like she initially said. Well This last weekend she didn't ask to meet up she simply text fdh and stated that he NEEDED to drop fss at her friends house, her exact words were (I'm over here, bring fss here NOW) fdh advised her that he wasn't going to hunt her down, that he would meet her at walgreens, where we've met to drop off fss these past 2 weekends. She eventually text fdh that there is no parenting plan and it's his responsibility to pick up/drop off fss wherever she says if he wants to keep seeing his son and that if he didn't like it to drop him off at home with her mother/fss grandmother. Fdh didn't feel like arguing with her nor giving in to her so we just took him home to the grandmother, 45 min away, like we've been doing so all along.

Everything with BM is about control and so I know that this whole drop him here do this do that is about control, now that fdh has eliminated phone calls I feel like this is her new game. Fdh doesn't feel like he should have to go hunt her down at whatever house she's hanging out at and I agree. My question is, is it stupid that we just took him home and plan on doing so in the future? Part of me feels like if we give in to something like this that it'll lead to bigger issues in the future but then again a part of me feels like whatever lets find wherever this idiot is to drop off fss because it's only 10 minutes away as opposed to 45 minutes at her mother house where bm and fss live.

I can't wait until this parenting plan is established and we get our court date so we won't have these issues... pssh who am I kidding? we probably will but at least we will have our court paperwork in order... The more I think about it the more I feel like it's petty bullshit and we should just give in to her but at the same time I don't want to. What do you think? Anything is appreciated and if you read this entire thing I love you... thank you so much!

hismineandours's picture

It's pretty customary to have a standard drop off place- typically the receiving parent is the one that picks up- so typically she would need to come get your fss at the end of a visit. Your dh would go pick him up at the beginning of the visit.

I think as it stands now I would set a place with her and if she couldn't be there I'd tell her she could come pick him up

msg1986's picture

I wish it was that easy with her. She refuses to come to our home because she's upset/jealous that fdh moved on completely and bought a home and she's still at home with her mom. When were in the process of building our home fss4 was super excited and I guess he'd go home and talk about it and then he started coming with us and saying, "MYY mommy said that you and daddy are liars. My mommy said SHE'S building me a house not you!" It was sad.

I guess when we go to court we can establish the pick up place. I'll mention her having to come here to get him to my fdh, we hadn't really discussed that. If we told her to pick him up from us now she probably would threaten to call the cops and say we kidnapped him if we didn't take him to her/her house.

Orange County Ca's picture

To save a 90 minute round trip I'd take the kid to her. In fact just getting along with the BM is reason enough. Not because she's used threats - I wouldn't have let it get to that - but to build up good relations and a storehouse of favors granted against future favors needed.

Don't make WWIII here just because you're in a position to manipulate your future husband and remember that when the BM manipulates him that you chose him as he is. He isn't going to change so make sure you can live with him as he is.

msg1986's picture

I see what you're saying OCC but there isn't any "building good relations" with this girl. She's the type of person that thinks that world owes her and she esp thinks my fdh he owes her because she they had fss.

I WANT to get along with her and I want fdh to get along with her also I wish it were that easy but if she isn't getting extra money from fdh she is vicious with him. I def think this is one of those "pick your battle" things and we cannot enforce anything until we go to court. we'll see...

hereiam's picture

You use the words "go searching for her" and "hunting her down" which makes me picture you and FDH driving around aimlessly trying to guess where BM is! Biggrin Surely, she's giving an address? If it's closer than the grandmother's, I would just take him to BM.

Yes, it lets BM think she "won" something but you and FDH are really the winners. We all know these BMs don't live in reality, let her think she won.

It won't lead to bigger issues unless FDH let's it. In other words, give in to the little things (especially when it benefits you anyway), hold your ground on the bigger, important issues. At least, that's what I would do.

msg1986's picture

lol I just re-read my post and I see what you mean. yeah, we would save gas money.

I def think this is one of those "pick your battle" things. I just so annoyed because she acts like she's doing my fdh a service by "allowing" him to see his kid. She likes to throw that at him all the time about how he needs to do everything she says because she "lets" him see fss.

We'll see what happens this weekend...

FML's picture

Hell just don't bring him back. You go pick him up at the beginning of visitation. You're not withholding him at the end of visitation. She's welcome to get him whenever she likes. If she tries to withhold because of it. . Document that she's withholding and you went all the way. She can't say you're withholding at the end of visitation because she's welcome to whenever she likes. FDH s CO doesn't state transportation so when stupid moved across the country this is what we did. We drove to get him and once we were back in our state sent her a message stating she was responsible for pick up. It was quite funny BC she didnt own a car at the time and people got tired of toting her back and forth. She had to move back.

B22S22's picture

I used to get frustrated that my DH was running all over the place to pick up/drop off his kids. Until he pointed out a couple things to me (and I witnessed them with my own eyes). If DH left it up to the BM to drop off, they would be late getting to our house. I'm not talking 15 or 30 min. I'm talking about HOURS. They live 20 min away, but if DH wanted them here at noon, they'd show up at 5pm. Now flipside of that is if DH said he'd have kids home by 6pm, she was calling at 6:02 demanding to know where they were (not kidding or exaggerating on that one).

So in order to take away ANY assumed power BM had, he does all pick-ups and drop offs. That way, he KNOWS they will be at our house by a certain time. And as far as her calling, I just don't answer the phone (he has a cell phone, she can call that).

msg1986's picture

Yeah ours is like that too. If we aren't there at X time she starts blowing him talking about how if he can't get fss there at whatever time she says that he won't see him anymore. The fact that fdh has eliminated phone calls has helped alot with the treats but that doesn't stop her when they are face to face. It's stupid. Ultimately we want to get to a place where we can meet somewhere but I KNOW that she probably won't follow thru... This is def one of those things that will be an on going thing.

Disneyfan's picture

Why go to court over something that is working in dad's favor?

msg1986's picture

How is this in dads favor? My question to you sounds rude because it's text but I'm really curious what you mean... Smile