The grieving "process"
I think I was in shock and/or on some kind of high the first few weeks after leaving EX because now I feel far worse.
Missing my dog and the skids a lot these days. I feel such disgust that he "realized" what I meant to him after I left - as you all warned he would. I get home to my way too small apartment and get angry because I feel claustrophobic and lonely.
I feel jaded about men. Like they are all game players and liars.
I wanted to get healthier but I've turned to smoking and drinking even more.
I just hope this is a phase or part of the "process" because it really sucks..... not worse than my old life, but lately...close.
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I have a friend that picks
I have a friend that picks the same men over and over. She just caught the latest, who can't seem to hold down a job or contribute to bills, lying about going to a casino.
I told her a long time ago to write out a list of the qualities she wants in a guy and stick to it. I was single for three years before SO until I got what was on my list. I just now wish I'd written "no psychotic ex" and "rich."
I hate that you feel this way and I think it's why tons of people go back to people who abuse them. Loneliness sucks but it's better than being used.
Try not to isolate yourself.
Try not to isolate yourself. This is what I did when my marriage with ex went in the crapper because he was cheating. Thankfully I had friends who would randomly stop by, who would insist that I go grab a bite to eat with them, go to the lake, etc etc. Getting out was really the best thing for me.
I also took up running. Exercise is great tool to keep your mood stable and it's much better for you than beer or cigarettes!
How did dinner with your friend go last week?
Oh AJ, this is normal. You've
Oh AJ, this is normal. You've just re-oriented your whole life, it's going to take some getting used to.
When I broke up with my ex I left my dog too, she was a rescue and she was older, had lived down there for at least 2 years and my ex's mom always footed her sizable vet bills because she has a soft spot for animals. I knew I wouldn't be able to do the same for her, so I left her behind and it BLOWS. It extra blew when she eventually passed away. It does get easier.
Be patient with yourself.
Why not try to find some
Why not try to find some class or activity that you have always been "meaning to try" and sign yourself up? Even look at places that might offer free stuff like your local library. There are often lists in your local paper of events in your area.
Go to a farmer's market... find a 5K to participate in... do stuff to get "out" and to help you forget the small apt.
Try not to get up in the
Try not to get up in the fairy tale memories, you know where you only remember the "good times" which actually weren't that good really, but they appear good because you are no longer living in the daily sh@t of them.
Get out, meet up with friends, join clubs, join groups, start finding activities you enjoy and participating in them. Don't blame the drinking and smoking on him, it's just how you are choosing to cope right now. Keep that in perspective.
This is a process and it takes time, it took you a long time to figure out you needed to leave him, it's going to take time to heal from all of that.
I always go home and "intend"
I always go home and "intend" to work out, eat something healthy, etc. But lately it is just easier to pour wine, have a smoke and lay around. I do have to find SOMETHING positive to do.
I only have a couple of close friends and they have never been the healthiest people themselves.
I only see my therapist once or twice per month, she helps some, but I have to cancel my appointment tomorrow because I have a work event.
I am sure I will be flamed by some people for this (oh well), but Sunday I obliged and went out with someone I met online (not on a dating site). We went on a hike and to a winery and I had a good time (great time, actually) but left feeling emptier for some reason. I don't even WANT to like someone again, if that makes sense. I just want to cover my heart in armor. I find myself reading into my conversations with him now. Maybe because I am so damn bored and angry.
Don't let the world make you
Don't let the world make you hard AJ. You did so much internal work on yourself this last go-around, great things are coming. The universe never closes one door without opening another, even if it isn't immediately clear at the moment.
To help you make yourself do
To help you make yourself do things.. sign up for things where someone else is counting on your participation. Maybe try to find a book club or something.. so at least the "boring" nights could be reading up for the next meeting. There is the "meetup" site which tries to help people get together (platonic ally) to do different types of activities. There are all sorts of things that you can join in and it is great to meet other people in your area.
Look, a breakup is hard and at your lowest times it seems like the comfort of the expected is better than zero.. or learning how to get along by yourself.
I'm sure that a lot of your dates may be a let down.. especially when you are so exhausted from such a tough relationship.
I know it's easy to count the things you feel you lost.. but try to count the things you have GAINED. Eventually, the hurt and loneliness will fade as you learn to retool your life.
Hey.. another idea... look for a PT waitress gig in the evenings after work. Extra money and get you out of the house! too tired to be lonely
Years and years and years
Years and years and years ago, I left an abusive relationship. I was initially so empowered and rawr that I had no issues with boundaries and I flourished.
Then the real insanity started.
Long story short, after significant upheaval, I recentered myself with volunteering.
Nothing terribly taxing - physically, emotionally or socially.
I walked dogs for a local no kill shelter.
I helped package food for a local organization.
I placed wreaths on veteran headstones.
I was only as social as I wanted on any given day. The distraction helped, contributing helped, not feeling like I was tied to an ongoing commitment helped, too.
Find a way to casually volunteer for a cause you think you'd enjoy. Helping with the shelter puppies was huge for me.
Stay strong. You'll make it out the other side all in one piece.
I was there. My Ex-boyfriend
I was there. My Ex-boyfriend and I lived together for over a year and he wanted out kinda was not sure but he had already met another girl any way total scum. I kicked him out of our apartment because I had the money to afford it. Anyway I fell into a really bad depression for so many reasons besides him. It was my first time living alone, I had the two cats but I came home to no one to talk to and no one to share things with. I got very drunk on many nights and smoked like a pack or more of cigarettes for many months. I did not eat and I lost like 35 lbs in two months.
After a few months I walked into a local dance studio and signed up for classes. It was the best thing I ever did. I danced when I was younger for 13 years and I remember how much I loved it and I needed something that made me feel good so I signed up.
This will pass and you have all the reason to hole up and cry it out for a little. Find something that you love and go for it. It is not an easy step but you will need it. It all takes time. Focus on you. Best of Luck.
Oh sweetie... *hugs* This is
Oh sweetie... *hugs*
This is part of the process. I drank and smoked after I split with XH. I sought comfort from men. It was bad enough that my parents actually addressed their concerns with me.
It lasted maybe 3-6 months and then I was back to a new normal. I went to therapy during that time to deal with some of the abuse that was in my marriage. I'm not saying I was making healthy decisions, but it was nice to be able to be selfish for that time.
If you think you're losing control, definitely talk to someone. Add a healthy activity to your life while you're doing some of the unhealthy stuff. Do something new and exciting. Know that it does get better.
Of course he regrets your leaving. You were the best thing in his life. It's totally his loss, not yours.
Thank you everyone who
Thank you everyone who commented......
I always liked yoga and there are a couple of places around. I could always drop in, I don't know. At the very least I can walk my dog more.
I hate hiding out from the world but then when I am out I hate being out. The hike Sunday was nice but I kept thinking "what does this person want from me." After dealing with master manipulator ex I feel zero trust for mankind.
I was doing so well with smoking my vape pen but got super angry and went back to cigarettes. Wine is my friend until the next morning when I realize what a depressant it it.
Volunteering sounds awesome. I am painfully shy I often feel too nervous to just walk into places. I need to get over that.
EX was flooding me with family videos and ran off from his short few day rehab stint to get a TATTOO OF MY NAME. I wish I was making that up but that is what he did. How did I ever let that crazy man make me feel like I was the lunatic? lol. He is certifiable.
I don't miss him and don't intend to ever run back. There is no fixing what he did.
It sounds like the volunteer
It sounds like the volunteer thing for pet walking might be a good fit.. the dogs don't have to talk to you...lol.
Also, sign up for a set of yoga classes.. you may feel more obligated to go if you paid something too.
I am not what I would
I am not what I would consider a social butterfly. I may have been a cat in my prior life. At any rate - the volunteering was fairly simple despite all of my charm.
For the shelter puppies I did have to speak with the volunteer coordinator and deal with people for a bit the first day to learn the ropes. After that any time I went in it was all canine company unless I searched out others. Initial contact was online, appointment scheduled by phone. This is the only one I didn't feel like I could just bail if I wasn't feeling it - I think it's entirely because there was human interaction in order to set it up.
The food packaging was actually even less social. They "rescue" fruits & veggies from local farms, stores, etc. that are perfectly fine but don't meet whatever silly requirement for sale. As in a carrot that wasn't the right length was a cull. Rather than throw away, this organization bags and distributes to those in need. It was literally 4 hours of grab a container and bag them in x amount. Lots of people and opportunity to be social but people were there to work, though the atmosphere was light and friendly. Initial contact, sign up was online. Group shows up at 9am, watch a 2 min video for rules/instruction, group walked back to assigned area. No interaction beyond that unless you seek it.
The veteran holiday stuff. Totally online. Pretty sure you don't even actually have to register at this point.
Thousands show up. Human interaction? Approach a truck, pallet, organized pile of wreaths, grab a couple, find a bare headstone. Tons of opportunity to be social but also so large that it's easy to be anonymous.
The big thing for me was to not feel put out. I sound like such a hag. But seriously, all of this stuff was light on my brains and that's exactly what I needed. I needed to disappear, be rather invisible, but be occupied and feel useful. And distracted. It worked.
I tried to be active with the organization that showed up to support me through the arrest, court dates, restraining orders, etc. I couldn't give them enough of myself, it felt like it needed to be personal and I couldn't offer that.
I actually still volunteer with the food saving and the wreath project - only because the shelter puppies require more commitment than I can provide at this point.
My embarrassment of a human being was released from prison in 1999.
Almost 20 years later and I still have an attachment to those organizations that helped me remember where my strength was. It may not be for you but I highly recommend trying just once.
Feel free to PM. I didn't deal with addiction in my situation but I was exposed to some gruesome nonsense so if I can lend an ear, a shoulder, whatever... I'm happy to do so.
Thanks for the update. The
Thanks for the update. The tattoo thing is killing me - your ex branded himself and now his Match.com dates allll gonna see your name. Crazy desperation.
Wrapping you up in hugs!!! It
Wrapping you up in hugs!!!
It IS a process.
Don't be surprised if you even want to go back! The devil you know, ya know. I struggled with that. That's also part of the normal process.
No matter how bad it was, there is some amount of comfort & safety in going back. Unknown is scarey af!!
You'll get through.
Make plans to walk or run
Make plans to walk or run with a female friend at least a couple nights a week before you go home. Sign up at a gym and GO on your way home. Sign up for a race--and train for it so you don't come in last. Write down all the crap he put you through. Make a Spotify list of songs to remind you about how crappy he is and how much better of you are. Country songs are best for that. Start out with Independence Day.
It's normal AJ - took me a
It's normal AJ - took me a month to get out of that stage...
one night I simply decided, why only drink wine, why not do some knitting with it.... and slowly I got out of that runt.
Now I can laugh and mingle with people, you need that grieving time, cry scream fart , be miserable but don't stay there to long lol... start going out with friends again, remember you have to re build your life
I took up swimming- at first
I took up swimming- at first I enjoyed it more than sex! It got me fit, focused and flirty!
you are grieving a loss - and
you are grieving a loss - and it will take whatever form it takes. That's okay...
the only way out is through - and you have left everything you know. Feeling this way is to be expected, but it won't last.
Read that book you've always wanted to, volunteer at a shelter to fill the time, take a walk every night, eat healthy food and get lots of sleep.
You will be okay - and it will take you as long as it takes you to get to the other side.