Selfishness on steroids!
Sorry to blog hog.
When I think DH couldn't be more of an asshole he surprises me once more.
He calls me to tell me he is taking a 2 week trip, in a few weeks, down south to purchase a vehicle ("they are cheaper down there") and staying with his friend.
So he gets a settlement, and this is his first line of business. He needs a new vehicle, yes, but the bullshit about needing to go away and take a nice trip (to relax from a grueling 2 years of sitting on his ass) and not even think to ask/discuss it, just TELL me?????
When I asked why he thinks it is okay to just TELL me he says I have been disrespectful to him the last 2 years so why would he ask? So I guess he just used me and now that he will have a chunk of money, its F U JANIE. Is this real life?
I just have to laugh. There are really men this selfish out there, and I happened to partner up with one.
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He said we will talk later. I
He said we will talk later.
I am going to do my best to stay calm. If he doesn't validate my feelings on this and come correctly during this discussion, I am done.
I mean really, how little regard can one have for their life partner? And to drag up our past arguments as a valid reason for not discussing it with me?
He has told me so many times to leave the past in the past. But when it serves him, he brings it up.
I would be getting my
I would be getting my business in order and be gone when he gets back. He can come back to divorce papers being served.
That certainly is tempting,
That certainly is tempting, hereiam. I can't comprehend this. Who is this man? Do I know him anymore?
Wow.. sorry to hear about him
Wow.. sorry to hear about him treating you so poorly. I think the trip sounds a bit of a indulgence considering everything you have done to hold things together and pay all the bills while he has been out of work. Honestly, if he is not willing to repay you for what you have spent covering his bills BEFORE he takes his little trip, I would be out of there. You deserve better, you really do.
I found a small notebook of a
I found a small notebook of a list of what he wanted to do with the money.
In the list was
Repay AJ
New ring for AJ
new vehicle
bedroom sets
pots/pans
pay off x,y,z.
The list made me smile. Then a few hours later he drops this bomb, thinking what? I will be A-OK with it? I flew off the handle and sent him several paragraphs of angry texts. I now hate myself for even feeding into it.
I guess it would have been a
I guess it would have been a lot nicer surprise if he had wanted to take you on the trip with him to pick out the new car!
I can totally understand your frustration and you didn't know about his "list" when you got upset with him about the trip.
Also, even if he knows you might not be happy about something, that doesn't mean he gets to hide things. If your relationship is going to be healthy, you have to be able to discuss the good and the bad things. I don't always have a lot of patience but I do try to think a little bit of how to phrase my "unhappiness" in such a way that it doesn't become a personal attack.
Maybe try to think about how you would feel if you were the recipient. So, instead or "blowing a gasket at him", You could say. "Well, what hurts me most is that you are going to go off and take what amounts to a vacation without me. I have been right here beside you making sure all our needs were met and I could use some fun in my life too. I would like to be part of this with you.. not just one of your friends. It makes me feel like I'm good for you when things are hard, but now that we have some breathing room, you want to hang out with other people."
He knows I cannot take much
He knows I cannot take much time off right now because I was just promoted. That hurts too. I knew he might want to go visit his friend and I he has always said vehicles are cheaper down there. It is just the not asking, shouldn't you ask the person you live with? I mean is that too much to ask? And then to basically blame me, like I am so unhinged and awful he can't ask.
I just need to get my point across. I refuse to fight with this disrespectful man, not another fight, not one! I just need to go home and make my position known, and that isn't easy to do when the resentment on both ends is terrible.
I am so hurt. And who knows if he will do anything on that list. Seems the top priority is HIM.
Maybe he was riling you up so
Maybe he was riling you up so he could take you completely by surprise by following through with what's on the list....? Grasping, I know.
When I blew a gasket he was
When I blew a gasket he was like "don't worry I will leave you with something nice."
Regardless, a pretty diamond or a few grand doesn't make it ok not to ASK? Or am I being petty? I don't even trust my own judgment anymore. I am fried.
For sure, he should have
For sure, he should have asked.
Remember that discussion we
Remember that discussion we had about love languages?
Could this possibly be because there's a misalignment there?
I am sure there is a part of
I am sure there is a part of that involved. If I know him, he intended to surprise me with something thinking it would somehow help this situation.
Material things mean shit to me. Yes, I would like an upgraded ring (if you saw the one I want, you would see how ridiculously modest the "upgrade" is.) That ring will not make his random vacation okay.
I don't think he will be out there sleeping around. His friend has like 5 teeth missing, his wife is the boss at that house, and quite frankly DH's penis barely works as it is. That was never my concern. It is the sheer length of time I am expected to work and take care of the dogs while he is out riding around in big trucks, acting like a f*cking 16 year old.
Those are legitimate gripes.
Those are legitimate gripes. Now just phrase them in a way they can't be twisted and used against you. Remember, we don't fight to be right we fight to be understood. Make sure you don't hand him any tools to de-rail that train-he will look for any reason ie: "over-reaction" "emotional" whatever to throw you off that game and get you back into the area where he can just write your feelings off. Don't give him that satisfaction. He may be a player in this game, but you da coach.
<3
<3
More likely that he set this
More likely that he set this up to BE a fight.. then he wouldn't have to follow through on that list in his mind and he could go on his little vacay as a semi-single dude.
My EX H had an ex that would pick a fight every time she wanted to go out with her girls and "be single" for the weekend.
I haven't been completely
I haven't been completely supporting him, but he has brought in much less and I have been struggling alongside him. I also financed things we needed, many times, because we had nothing.
He intends to pay me back first. But what goes up my ass sideways, it I get a small amount of what I am owed and then off he goes to treat himself without even asking me.
I know the friend he is going to stay with, I am not jealous or controlling to the point I wouldn't consider saying fine, go... but 2 weeks is excessive and I would like to see the vehicles in question. I do not appreciate him excitedly springing his "plan" on me and expecting me to be cool with it.
Amen. A lesson I have been
Amen. A lesson I have been learning for a long time... and still need to remind myself daily.
Janie, Here is the thing
Janie,
Here is the thing though. If this is "all he is capable of" is that enough for you? Is this relationship worth the emotional and real currency you are putting into it? I have been following quite a few of your posts and while I think you have "room to grow" in how you react and respond to him and problems in your life, it seems that he is doing little to instill the kind of confidence that you need to feel like this is a balanced relationship.
You cannot do all the heavy lifting here. For a variety of reasons, he has not been holding up his end of the financial needs of your household for a while. I think some of the reasons may have been valid, but I also read a lot of resentment from you because if you scrape away at the surface, I am guessing that to a certain extent part of the reason he was out of work so long was his choice, not just his victim of circumstance position. On top of that, he has behaved in ways that have been harmful to your household. Drug relapses, irresponsibility with money and not being an honest partner to you.
Now, your response has been to basically "lose it on him" and say things that are not kind or helpful. I have a feeling that the reason your fuse is so short is a lot of the stress his actions have had on your life. You DO have valid reason to question his motives and actions. It's hard to not jump to conclusions when he has disappointed you so many times in the past. But, trying to improve your communication will be good for you and I know you say you have tried to do better. Unfortunately, he will most likely always "remember" how it was because that is the easiest way for him to flip things back on you when he does hide something.
In short, I'm not sure there is an easy solution to this because as someone else said, this may be all that he is capable of. So, fine, lowering expectations might be ok when you are dealing with a boss, coworker or even a child, but I have a problem in wanting to "settle" when it comes to a romantic partner. Because it's a choice. He may not be capable of doing better, but you can choose to be with someone who can do better.
I mean, it's one thing to not leave someone because they leave their socks on the floor or don't put the seat down because even though I might lower my expectations for minor things, I'm not sure I can do it for big things and a 2 week trip without me is a big thing.
ESMOD, you perfectly nailed
ESMOD, you perfectly nailed the situation with that post.
I am grappling with the fact that he really didn't see it as a big deal. He called me with "great news" and told me rent was paid up for a few months, and then launched into his decision to head off to go look at cars and stay with his friend. He tends to have grandiose ideas and some never materialize, regardless, the lack of consideration and the naivete of the whole thing made me ill.
And yes, I flew off the handle and said something about being trashy and thinking he is rich now and whatever else I rambled at him before he hung up. Yeah. I sure did.
Now all I can do is go home, hand him this letter and see his reaction. I have that sick feeling inside that our days are numbered, I do, but I don't want to accept nor do I want to believe he will be that selfish with money. Not after all of this.
I think that in your letter
I think that in your letter it will be helpful to explain why you were hurt by his decision to make plans and "tell you later".
You feel that in a relationship you are in this together. You have worked very hard to keep your heads above water while he was getting himself straight and that it is hurtful that he thinks he can't be honest and open with you about something that is pretty important. 1. The kind of car he buys is important to your household. Will he go buy something brand new with a payment that you will then have to help cover costs? 2. Will he buy something impractical (Smokey and the Bandit era TransAm) or used BMW that will incur high maintenance costs or not be reliable?. 3. How much of his windfall is he going to spend and is it just going to get blown on some car to only be in a tight spot again in a couple months?
Also, a 2 week trip to buy a car. That is a bit excessive. He can certainly check online to see what's available and line up some cars to look at. He can also tell you what he has in mind and see what's available locally. I am guessing that once you add the cost of a 2 week vacation into it, the cost of cars won't be all that much of a bargain. I do know that we bought my SD a car in FL because it was a good deal and there seemed to be a good inventory of under $2K cars, but I'm not sure that there is a real benefit to buying out of state unless you are looking for some special car.
By the way, I hope that his paying rent in advance wasn't his way of paying you back. That's really nice because you only benefit if you stay. He should be paying you cash so you can pay off any credit cards or loans you may have taken out to fill the gaps.
He is giving me a certain
He is giving me a certain amount of cash.
I am going to add in some of that language you used about what he is going to buy. I did add in a bullet point about filling me in ahead of time as to what he is looking at and the prices, and I did also say I would be ok with a trip for a reasonable amount of time. Which in my mind is one week tops...
Other bullet points were:
- You tell me not to bring up that past, but then when it is convenient for you... you bring up the past. Our arguments in the past have nothing to do with you not running a trip by me first. We can sit there all night and go back and forth about who did/sad what awful things in the past, bet let's not go there. This is about ONE thing.
- I am done with blowout screaming match fights. You hurt my feelings today. It felt like you are doing this on purpose and now that you have some money in your pocket, you dont care about me enough to even run something by me. Understand, there is a difference between "asking" and running something by me to see how I feel about it.
Once I hand it to him, it is on him how he wants to proceed. I am completely done with my home being a battlefield and I am 100% committed to not engaging in yelling and drama. I reached my limit with that.
Committed partners make
Committed partners make decisions like this together. Period. He can justify it however he wants, he's wrong.
I'm curious though. I can't
I'm curious though. I can't remember, is he back to work? what is the status of that with him. IMHO, him getting back to earning money asap should be the goal because that way, any of this settlement could be put in savings (after stuff is repaid) and then there would be that to fall back on if there was a problem in the future. Going out and spending it all like a drunken sailor on leave will give you a financial hangover.
I wrote a short letter to him
I wrote a short letter to him and am just going to hand it to him later and walk away. Let him absorb it.
It basically outlines the fact that there is a difference between "asking permission" to go somewhere and "running it by your partner." I am not so controlling that if he has a few vehicles in mind and wants to go down there for a reasonable amount of time, I would say no to him. I would say go for it. But I like to be kept in the loop. I also wrote that I am not interested in a pissing match or a blowout fight. He can come to me from a place of love and understanding or not come talk to me at all. Then I told him regardless of our struggles, I didn't stand by his side to try to fight about settlement money. We have 7 years of history, 2 dogs, 2 kids i helped raise and have lived together in 4 places, gone through countless struggles (death in family, serious surgeries, unemployment)... after all that I am not trying to dictate and cause conflict over how each dime of this money is spent (once I am paid back, which expect immediately), but I want to be and deserve to be kept in the loop and he needs to understand that 110%.
Were you the one who was
Were you the one who was asking advice on how to pay off bills or bad credit or something of that nature?? I recall that whoever was asking said that their H had been out of a job for some, so bills weren't getting paid.
So I got an apology and "I
So I got an apology and "I should have asked you I was just excited and jumped the gun" and he told me he would look at vehicles in advance and try to be no longer than one week.
Fine.
Then he showed me the list I found (he doesn't realize I've seen it) and said I want some things to be a surprise but I also want you to understand I am not forgetting what is a priority.
Fine.
I guess writing a letter was more effective then screaming/berating/using my "Spanish mouth" as he calls it.
We will see. Words aren't actions.