TwoOfUs's picture

Confession Time - I Was Wrong

So, I was internally frustrated and angry at my DH because I thought he lied to me and went behind my back to buy his son a train ticket to come work a job with him. DH told me that SS bought the ticket himself:

https://www.steptalk.org/node/237048

Anyway, I was getting ready to meet with DH about the finances/budget for the month and I planned to calmly ask him about it. I looked at the CC statement one more time and noticed the date - about 2 1/2 weeks before SS went up the second time. Then I remembered that DH had told me he was going to take the train to NYC for a meeting / to pursue a business lead on his two days off...business that he got.

So. Dumb me. This wasn't an example of my DH lying about finances and/or taking advantage of me. It was an example of DH using his business CC for what it's intended for and working super hard to get his earnings back on track...which is a huge improvement over last year. I feel kind of like a jerk and am very, very glad I looked again before bringing it up. It also means that SS DID buy the ticket himself, which is great news.

To be fair to me, 2016 was incredibly rough, with me covering 80% of our bills and household expenses or more, and DH did hide financial contributions to the skids from me. Not horribly...just $100 to SD here or paying for something for SS there...normally I wouldn't care at all or make him account for every cent. I'm not at all financially controlling and as long as bills are paid I don't care how DH chooses to spend. But he was making so little and not able to contribute to household bills...but he could pick up a power bill for his 20-year-old daughter?

Maybe he really has turned the corner now? I think he was depressed in 2016 about his lack of earning...and embarrassed, which made him try to hide things.

Acratopotes's picture

phew - ... imagine attacking

phew - ... imagine attacking him and then had to admit to him you here wrong...

It's good news to hear DH is actually trying, but it's also understandable that you do not trust him 100% yet..

Blended family life turned me into a pirate....
All I want to do is drink Rum and stab people

Tuff Noogies's picture

awww. i'm glad you

awww. i'm glad you double-checked before asking him. is your dh the provider-type? if he is, like my dh, i'm sure he was depressed like you said, embarrassed at his inability to provide for his family and needing to rely on his wife, who HE is supposed to take care of, to cover the family expenses. that's actually very sweet. i'm really glad you looked at the dates again before talking to him. now your budget conversation can be handled with love and compassion instead of hidden doubt and resentment! <3

"I am the nicest person you will ever meet until you try to f*ck over somebody I love. Then? I'm your worst f'ing nightmare." - Former.

Famuky is looming at me ark.

"His eyes said different though...."

TwoOfUs's picture

Yes. I am realizing more and

Yes.

I am realizing more and more that I have some deep-seated resentment and mistrust of DH, especially in any area regarding skids. Some of it is from last year, but much of it is from throughout our 7-year marriage and 10-year relationship.

The problem is, maybe I am slow to decide things or to really take things to heart somehow, but I am feeling the need to talk these things out now...this deep buried anger and resentment...but most of the things I'm holding onto are from years ago. Don't get me wrong - I brought a lot of these things up at the time, but I don't think I had the right language to talk about how I was feeling or even the capacity to fully process all the shit while I was in the middle of it.

DH has definitely changed in regard to me and the skids. It's clear to me that his expectations and his assumptions about what my role should be have done a 180-degree turn. He is also turning it around regarding the financial stuff, it looks like...and he's also supportive of me and my pursuits and incredibly loving and creative. Great to talk to.

My question is...in my situation, would you try to talk about this stuff to your DH? Or would you just let it lie and assume that, on some level, he "got" it since his behavior has changed so remarkably? I am not sure if I got through to him (he has NEVER once said that I was ever correct or had a point) or if he just decided to give into my 'unreasonable' requests and love me anyway...or if, as the kids got older, his parenting changed naturally and he started putting our marriage first since the kids are grown and nearly grown.

Does it matter why he changed? Is my wanting him to fully 'understand' how I felt in all of this...unnecessary and self-defeating? Is it even possible for him to understand? Or is it reasonable for me to want some kind of closure here?

Hennypenny's picture

I would work on the

I would work on the resentment on your own through a therapist. If DH has truly changed then you should put the past in the past and concentrate on your future together. But you do need to work out your feelings so they don't come pouring out in times of anger or stress.

Tuff Noogies's picture

TwoOfUs - "Is my wanting him

TwoOfUs - "Is my wanting him to fully 'understand' how I felt in all of this...unnecessary and self-defeating?"

in my opinion - yes. he's never going to fully understand, because he does not live your life and your role in the family. you'd like him to, you think you'll get closure if he listens as you get it all out so you can hear him say "i see what your saying, you make a very valid point" but that would be unnecessary and self-defeating.

remember - when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

he is showing you who he is. believe him. especially since it's taken him so much time and effort to prove it. he's saying what you feel you need to hear, not verbally but by his actions.

maybe you guys can take the test to show what your love languages are. that might really open up your eyes and hearts even more to eachother.

"I am the nicest person you will ever meet until you try to f*ck over somebody I love. Then? I'm your worst f'ing nightmare." - Former.

Famuky is looming at me ark.

"His eyes said different though...."

TwoOfUs's picture

This is really good advice

This is really good advice from both of you. It makes me a little sad that DH can never truly understand what I felt in all this...but I guess that's no different from the fact that I can't truly understand the pain of divorce or of being an NCP. Goes both ways. I do think I am better at expressing empathy verbally...but that doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't feel it. You're right that he has changed a lot and is showing that, in some way, he either gets it or at least he believes me.

But I also do think I should talk it out with someone. This near-fiasco is a case in point. I have so much resentment and distrust built up that I get ready to explode over stuff like this. Not that I think it's unreasonable to be upset if DH had actually lied about this / hidden it from me. That's not good for a marriage, and it's happened before...though, to be honest, he didn't typically hide anything...he just spent and behaved as he wanted, especially in regard to skids, and acted like I was being unfair to call him on it or made me feel guilty and crazy for being upset. Or he was slightly fuzzy on details and allowed me to give him the benefit of the doubt...so lies of omission maybe. I've never known him to outright lie by saying: "I did X when he really did Z." Very glad I double-checked.

Tuff Noogies's picture

that "a little sad" is a way

that "a little sad" is a way of mourning the loss of an idea that will never come to fruition. if you were to expect him to truly understand what you have felt, you would be setting him up for failure because it's impossible. but you pegged the correct word - empathy. and i believe he feels empathy and that's what has motivated his changing the dynamics between you as a couple, and between him and his kids.

by all means talk to a therapist or counselor!!! and remember too, YOU have made improvements on yourself as well. you didn't explode or confront him out of anger and hurt. if you both continue to improve, that trust can be rebuilt at the same time your resentment dissipates. you are both doing well so far. but a professional is always a good idea!!!

"I am the nicest person you will ever meet until you try to f*ck over somebody I love. Then? I'm your worst f'ing nightmare." - Former.

Famuky is looming at me ark.

"His eyes said different though...."

Gimlet's picture

I get this. DH and I don't

I get this. DH and I don't have issues with money and spending, but I've had to come to an acceptance about the fact that his experience is different than mine.

I know DH doesn't understand why I am so adamant about having strong boundaries and rules in place for family and adult kids, but he's never watched his family decline because of a lack of them. He just thinks that if you love someone enough, you can always help them and I know that's not true. There are so many times I have to disengage and just let him handle things with the skids and trust that he will stick to our agreement.

I will never understand what it's like to actually have to worry that your child will reject you out of loyalty to the other parent and/or if they don't like having standards and rules. That literally does not compute to me, and was never a factor in my parenting. But, that is a reality in his world and I have to understand that it's a struggle for him at times when he is making parenting decisions.

I agree that talking with someone and getting it out can be beneficial. It does sound you like your DH is taking action, and that means a lot, IMO.

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. - George Santayana

Ninji's picture

It's a general lack of

It's a general lack of mistrust. I don't trust DH when it comes to skids. He has gone behind my back too many times. At least you were able to determine what the actual charge was before you confronted him.

Ninji's picture

I pick my fights. I usually

I pick my fights. I usually just let it go but they are young so it hasn't been anything really expensive. It's not like his is lying to me and paying skid rent.

The most recent was last week. He lied to me about buying them fast food for lunch. I asked him why he didn't eat the lunch I made and he said he just ate a pb&j. Also, DH and skids are slobs but fast food trash was not only completely cleaned up but it was taken to the outside trash inside instead put into the kitchen trash. They NEVER do that. I was really mad at first. Just because why hide it? But it's not something I feel like ruining the night over and I just let it go and bought myself a book on Amazon for the same price.

TwoOfUs's picture

lol. I can so relate to this.

lol. I can so relate to this.

I used to do this thing when DH overspent on skids...I'd send my little sister some $$ or put some money on her school bill to "even it out." My thinking was - he has three dependents, I get to have one. (My sister is 13 years younger than me and my dad died when she was 15 after nearly bankrupting from a long, chronic illness, so she's had it much rougher than I did growing up. Yes...I feel guilt about that, even when she tells me not to and specifically tells me it's not my job to fix everything for her. But hey. I don't have kids, I need someone to mother a little bit, and she really deserves it, in my mind, unlike my spoiled, entitled skids.)

Over the past year, my thinking kind of progressed from:

*He spends X on kids without having earned it or checking to see if we have it in the budget, next time I'm able, I'm spending X on myself, my sister, or a niece or nephew to 'even it out.'

TO:

*He spends X on kids without having earned it or checking to see if we have it in the budget, I'm using my investment app to put a little something into my IRA...AND I'm sending that same amount to my sister.

TO:

*He spends X on kids without having earned it or checking to see if we have it in the budget, I'm putting that same amount into my IRA and sending a little something to my sister.

TO:

*He spends X on kids without having earned it or checking to see if we have it in the budget...oh well. I'm saving as much as I can for my future and splurging on the people I care about because I work hard and make decent money, and that's something that I can choose to do, independent of how DH handles money.

Honestly...once I got out of that Tit for Tat mode and starting prioritizing my needs financially just because I can, I was able to let go of some of the resentment and frustration. Even when DH spent my money on stuff for skids here and there, it didn't bother me as much because I know my goals and priorities are being taken care of off the top rather than feeling like I'm waiting around to see what DH does and then get whatever is leftover. It was a very subtle shift, but it's made a huge difference. I still have resentment and anger crop up from time to time, obviously...but it's not nearly as bad as it was.

TwoOfUs's picture

lol. Good question. The

lol. Good question.

The truth is, we don't choose train travel very often. I haven't been on one in over 15 years, and this was SS's first (and then second) train trip.

Believe DH chose train because it really is cheaper from DC to NYC, especially spur of the moment. It was a little over $100 round-trip. For SS, same deal. Not cheaper if you're planning in advance. I went to visit DH during one of his 2-day breaks, and I flew, because we bought the ticket a month in advance. The opportunity for SS came up unexpectedly, and train travel was about the same as I paid for my round-trip airline ticket a month early. The plane tickets to travel next day were quite expensive...

TwoOfUs's picture

No. Well...almost yes in

No. Well...almost yes in March (a couple hundred short), No in April.

But, man. He worked so hard and he came close in March...and I had an unexpected boost at the end of March, so I gave him April off with the understanding that he has to have $$ in May. He's taken over CS from his account directly so I never even have to see it or account for it anymore...and he had three business trips that he covered out of his account this month without involving me. So...progress. Honestly, I don't mind covering more than my fair share every once in a while so that he can swing for the rafters on his business. I know that if it pays off, it will pay off for both of us. It's just...last year...he got so down about his slump he barely tried for ANYTHING else...and that I couldn't stand.