So exhausted. Angry...full of rage, really. Not sure if I should be?
So, I will try to keep this as concise as possible.
Short Story:
DH was gone on a job for the entire month of March. He works in a field that SS18 (stb19) is interested in, so I sent SS up there to intern for 3-4 days, which thrilled my DH. I bought him the ticket, which was about $350...but I view it as a worthwhile investment in SS's potential launching, so I didn't mind.
A couple weeks later, toward the end of the project, DH tells me that SS has bought himself a one-way ticket BACK up to work for a couple more days and then drive home with DH and his employee. Cool! (I thought to myself). SS doesn't tend to have a lot of initiative, so this made me very happy. I mean, I was a little annoyed that they hadn't thought of that plan first in order to save me the $300+ round-trip ticket...and I was certain my DH would be buying all meals for SS on his small per diem in an expensive town...which means the visit would cut into his overall take-home pay. Again. But whatever. Later that day, SS dropped by to talk to me about the housesitting he'd done for me while DH was away, and he mentioned buying the ticket and heading up for a few more days as well.
Well, that was all about 2-3 weeks ago. Yesterday when I was going over our bills and finalizing the April budget, I opened DH's credit card statement expecting to see a big $0...and instead it's $330 or something like that. You guessed it. There was a $125 one-way Amtrak ticket on there along with several meal charges. I have been in a crappy, crappy mood ever since...and DH is out of town working again until tomorrow night. Of course, I don't know if DH lied to me. Maybe SS brought him cash and DH bought the ticket upfront because it's kind of hard to figure out purchasing these tickets online. I guess I should give him the benefit of the doubt and just ask him calmly when he gets home and we go over the budget...that's the sensible thing, right? I mean, in reality I know it's just a couple hundred dollars...but it's everything behind it for years and years that has me feeling particularly hopeless today.
That was the short version. Here is a random sample of the thoughts that I am currently obsessing about at work today:
**DID DH lie to me? If so, then he talked to SS and got SS to lie to me, too. That seems healthy. That's exactly the position I want to be in in my marriage. Maybe he didn't. But, then, why put it on a paid-off credit card when we had plenty of money in the bank...unless he didn't want me to see it?
**Why can DH never seem to make any money, even when he's making money? I feel like I'm running the opposite of a casino...the house always loses. How is it possible that he figures out a way to come home from a job that's paying more than double what the household needs from him in a month...without any surplus leftover for the next month. And then I always pick up the slack for DH. Maybe I hide money stuff, too...but the money stuff I hide is how much slack I'm picking up for DH. Maybe I should stop hiding my extra contributions just so DH doesn't feel bad? Anyway, I don't think he feels bad. I think he feels entitled to spend every cent he makes and then some...before he's even made it. How dare he have SS up there TWICE?! On my dime? He eeks out his payments to the household account...and then overspends on his f***ing kids. And just expects me to deal with it. I'm already not even asking for half of household expenses from him. Can't he see I'm overworked and tired?
**We've been doing so well...in our marriage, financially, in our communication. Why would he jeopardize that to indulge his lazy, unmotivated son? We made a plan for getting out of debt...and he went right back after *I PAID* his credit card debt off last month and put a couple hundred dollars on there to indulge his son while I slave away. Why is it that I matter the least in his life, at least when it comes to money? Is he selfish?
**On the other hand, he has been working hard and coming out of his 2016 slump. Maybe I should just ignore this for now...maybe he's just exuberant that he's making money again and that's causing overspending? Maybe he's not overspending and I'm being unreasonable and/or controlling? Maybe there's a perfectly logical explanation and I shouldn't assume the worst or jump all over him about this?
I think another poster put it best. I clearly have SM PTSD and can't tell what's true and what's not anymore. I just know I feel a little broken today.
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Comments
Dispute the charge for
Dispute the charge for Amtrak. It must bogus, right?
Then let your H talk his way out of that.
lol. It's his credit card,
lol.
It's his credit card, though. Think I'm just going to tell him it's on him to pay it off, and it better not interfere with his ability to contribute to the household account.
Yes, you should stop hiding
Yes, you should stop hiding your contributions to household expenses so DH doesn't feel bad. Instead, show him your spreadsheet every month so he can see the expenses and who is paying for them. Show him where you are spending more than your half and tell him he needs to start paying his share.
I would really wonder where his money is going when he is making double money for a month. And it would really bother me that SS went up there twice when he could have just stayed from the beginning - which would have saved some money.
Well, he works so initially
Well, he works so initially the idea was for him to go up when he had time off. He did well and decided to go back up apparently. Which I'd have been all for if he was paying his way. One of the head people loved SS and has offered to train him and help him find work in Atlanta (3 hours away! WooHoo!)
My guess is DH didn't intend to lie or see this as lying...it's just another thing SS is 'paying us back for' eventually...maybe...
I don't know why I made the
I don't know why I made the assumption SS was not working... If after all of this it turns out he gets a job 3 hours away - it will be worth it. As far as DH, I think it was a form of lying. I would confront calmly and see if you can get the real story.
Do you split the household
Do you split the household expenses 50/50 each month? If so, let him pay for the credit card out of his money - on top of contributing 50% to the household.
Do you not call/text/communicate while he is away? I'd bring it up the next time you spoke and ask why the charge and who is going to be paying for it. You said the communication is better so this should be an easy subject to broach.
The sooner you get the facts, the sooner you can stop obsessing over the "what if's" - OR the sooner you can get on towards making another plan to prevent this type of junk from happening again! I have found many charges that Dh has paid for the skids but they have "supposedly" given him the money for it. Where the money went after they gave it to him, who knows - there's holes in those pockets. :?
You're very right about all
You're very right about all of this.
I do love him. I would love, love, love to be able to talk to him reasonably about money. It's an important part of life to me and, honestly, I think HE'D be much happier and more confident if he had a better handle on it. Still...you can't make that horse drink, as they say.
He is incredibly creative, innovative, fun...romantic. He is genuinely funny, he talks to me, and he challenges me to be my best. He's also a hard-worker and ambitious. Obviously, the overspending is a problem, and he doesn't see it. I do worry about the inheritance / retirement thing. I do put money aside, but I haven't maxed out my retirement by any stretch...I have told him, before, that I feel like he's an entrepreneurial "risk-taker" but he's really only risking MY future, not his or the kids. I think he will mean to be incredibly generous to me...just not certain that's what will end up happening! Of course, right now, it's me on the will only, not his kids...in general he does WANT to take care of me...he just doesn't have good follow-through and I'm too giving.
I don't know. Maybe I should set a time limit for myself to make a decision and then go with it...like you said, either decide to leave or decide to stay and make peace with it...as much as I would rather be on the same page on this aspect of our lives and working together.
Yeah...I really do. This is
Yeah...I really do. This is really our only issue, but it hurts me so deeply because I feel like he's looking out for his kids but not looking out for me. I've tried to explain this to him, but I think he'd be shocked if he fully understood how deeply this affects me...it makes me not want to be in business with him and not want to be married to him, in some ways.
He's great about parenting the skids and helping out around the house. He may do more than I do, there. It's really just the financial fantasy that drives me crazy.
I'd love to set up some kind of auto-draft each month, but he doesn't make a regular paycheck, so that makes it difficult.
I'd be happy at the thought
I'd be happy at the thought SS might be getting a job 3 hrs away.....but...I'd be furious my DH basically threw back my generosity in my face and charged up a CCRD I had just paid off to help him and us get back in financial track.
I'd stop hiding my financial contributions and make sure it's clear on what portion I'm paying and how he is shorting his responsibilities to the marriage. I wouldn't rub his face in it , but I wouldn't hide it.
I did the same with my exDH- I picked up the slack and he spent all his income and then some . I was the responsible one who put off buying things for myself ( with my own damn money ) to make sure all the bills where paid and groceries were in the fridge.
Fighting about money sucks , but clearly your DH doesn't fully respect you or he wouldn't act like such a spoiled man baby,
Yes...this is exactly how I
Yes...this is exactly how I would describe it: "throwing generosity back in my face"
I feel this way a lot. Like I give X, happily...and he adds on Y and Z without asking, then acts surprised and hurt when I get frustrated.
He threw my generosity back in my face with the credit card...and with the initial ticket. Makes me wish I HADN'T bought SS a ticket...and has made it certain that it will be a long time before I do so again.
So your husband has been very
So your husband has been very generous to you in the past, and his parents give you a large cash gift every year if I remember your previous posts correctly. He stands to inherit a considerable sum of money and he is leaving all of it to you. And you are pissed he spent $300 on a train ride and some food.
I'm not trying to minimize how you feel but it seems like you are making a big deal out of nothing. He was very generous to you for a few years, and now that he is being an entrepreneur you are being generous with him for a few years. Starting a business most people dont see a salary for years. It's give and take. I wouldn't be concerned about this unless I'm missing something.
I think he wants to be
I think he wants to be generous with me, but I've been carrying the bulk of our finances since before we were married, which has been about 10 years. Last year was his worst year yet, and he contributed about 8K to the household account all year. I contributed 50K or more. He's already contributed more this year than he did all of 2016.
His parents do give us each a cash gift each year, but so far most of it has gone to covering household expenses that he can't cover...and yes, the 8K he contributed last year included what he was willing to contribute out of his cash gift...
It's not the $300...it's the lying (if he did) and the fact that he's always, always finding more ways to give his $$$ away to the kids the instant he makes anything, leaving me to bear the brunt of the household expenses.
I am very aware of the realities of entrepreneurship, bc I've been living it for years and my dad also started a business. I guess the difference is that my dad and mom worked and scrimped together, when necessary. Here, I feel like I'm the only one scrimping and working on finances while he does and spends whatever he wants, expecting me to pick up the slack.
Calm down first..... Then
Calm down first.....
Then simply do the budget excluding DH's credit card, let him give you the money covering his half, by this time he would think he got away with it, then you simply hand him the credit card statement and say - Oh I almost forgot, you need to settle this as well, ASAP before you are more in debt due to interest and penalties...
end of discussion
why don't the two of you sit
why don't the two of you sit down and try to figure out a different way to budget for household expenses?
what works for dh and i is we've totaled up all fixed bills, and averaged out all non-fixed bills. each of us contributes equally to what we refer to as the "bill account". included in our budget as a bill is a set weekly transfer to a savings account for extraordinary household expenses, vacation, birthdays, etc. we each contribute 50/50. anything else gets spent however we personally choose to.
(well, it WAS this way, and worked great until dh started having major health problems, but that's a whole 'nother story)
if you and your dh can figure something similar, it'd be less stress to you. you wouldn't fret about how he's spending his excess earnings, AND your household is covered without putting it all on you. then if he wants to blow 300+ on an amtrack ticket for his son, that's his beef and he doesnt have to involve you in it.
That's exactly the set-up
That's exactly the set-up that we have, actually. The problem is, he'll claim he doesn't have enough to contribute his share to the household account...but then sneak around and buy stuff/give money to his kids. I kind of did a spit-take at "excess earnings" -- if he was contributing equally to the household account each month, I wouldn't care what he did with any "excess" as long as he was also prioritizing the business.
The problem is: 1.) He overspends not only out of his account but out of the household account when/if he feels like it. There's just no rhyme or reason to what he does. (for example, there was a $52 purchase for a new pair of shoes last month...out of the household account, when DH was making good money on this month-long job. Guess he just felt like this should be a household purchase rather than personal? No clue.) and 2.) He will overspend, especially on extras for the kids, and then not have enough to contribute to the household account in the first place.
I may be borrowing trouble, because he has contributed each month so far this year...but I wouldn't be surprised if he suddenly didn't have enough money to do his half this month. We sit down tomorrow morning to talk budget, so we'll see. He seems very despondent and ashamed when he can't contribute equally, he beats himself up over it, but it doesn't seem to change his behavior long-term.
hmmm. would he consider the
hmmm. would he consider the first xxxx.xx amount of each monthly income go straight to the bill account with no exceptions?
as far as him using the bill account for personal stuff - does he himself do the bill-paying? if not, then why does he even have a card? destroy one card, and take the other one, put it in a gallon bag of rice, then fill remainder with water and freeze. that way the info is already pre-loaded to the online accounts when it comes time to pay a bill (please tell me you have your payment method saved) but at the same time is not accessible for daily use.
just an idea! i do also agree with moe's comment below about finding a financial consultant. sometimes it helps men to hear it from an objective 3rd party.
There are layers to this.
There are layers to this. Marriages end due to stresses that don't get resolved, including financial stress. And if one partner is very financially responsible and the other absolutely not, that's stress.
If you can find a work-around, it sounds like the rest of your relationship is great.
I do have some ideas, but the bottom-line is whether your DH is willing to give you control over his finances. The husband of a friend of mine just hands over his paycheque and accepts a weekly allowance, which leaves her in charge and they're both happy with that. But that's not for every partnership.
Maybe an actual financial counsellor - someone who understands finances AND people/relationships - can help?
$40,000 a year isn't a good
$40,000 a year isn't a good job in NY. That one of your problems. Shouldn't br buying $50 shirts when you are making $40 k
Then he's away for a month at a time ? It's has to cost money to live away. He would br better off working 80 hours a week at Walmart
At least he would be home. Not off playing and you have the problems and SS
Well...we aren't in NY, we're
Well...we aren't in NY, we're in SC...and our house and cars are paid for, so our bills are very low. CS is actually our highest monthly bill, and that's down to one kid who will age out in a year. All in all, we're fairly secure...but we have cash flow problems bc of DH.
Still...40K isn't great here, either, especially when that's gross and a lot of it goes to keeping the business afloat (We also work from home and don't have tons of business expenses...more like a freelance situation overall, but he does have to contract out sometimes and there are basic expenses like Internet, toner, paper, etc. Most of what was spent on "the business" last year was spent on chasing down future opportunities / travel and networking.) That's why I say that last year was his worst year ever. This year has been better so far, in every way, including financially.
He's not usually away for a month at a time...this job just happened to be in D.C. and he was making money plus having expenses covered, technically. DH doesn't like to rough it,though, so he ended up spending more $$ than he got in per diem, I'm sure, cutting into his take-home pay. Plus, then SS went up there twice, and I'm sure DH covered all his meals while he was there as well. That's part of why I'm so frustrated about the whole thing. Should have gotten ahead with this job...end up feeling like we just barely did better than breaking even because it seems like DH **WILL** find a way to spend everything he makes...no matter what.
In contrast, I make 65-70K a year working solo with very few business expenses at all...while also helping DH build his business. I should not be as concerned about cash flow as I am...I put aside about $400 a month into various personal retirement accounts but know it should be more. I think if I wasn't covering for DH all the time, I'd be much better off financially.
Of course you should be
Of course you should be taking care of your own needs before taking care of your DH's. I don't know what legal options you have to ensure that you are not held accountable for his debt, but I'd suggest you gaze into your crystal ball and plan for the future you want.
The sad thing about that is, of course, that perhaps DH won't be able to retire and enjoy himself with you due to his poor planning. OTOH, if he's sure to inherit enough to live on for 20 years or so, then he'll be able to enjoy the later years with you as well.