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YSD is Dating an Older Guy With Kids :-/

TwoOfUs's picture

Um.

So haven't been on here for a while but had to pop back in to share. 

YSD (21) dropped a bombshell a few months ago...back toward the beginning of the year. She's dating a guy 15 years older with 2 kids by 2 different women.

It gets better. Though he's nearing 40 and way closer to my age than her age...he's working as a server and lives in a one-bedroom apartment. I have no problem with the work...it's an honest living. But his mom is raising his one kid, and he doesn't ever have either kid over because he doesn't have the room.

DH is naturally freaking out about this. Keeps talking about how she's wasting her youth on a middle-aged guy with middle-aged guy problems and kids...and I'm thinking...do you even hear the words you're saying right now?! 

I mean, granted, DH is not 15 years older than me (just 10) and he had a lot more going for him when we met at 25/35 (full-time job, purchased home, etc.) And I was way, way more mature in my 20's than YSD is proving to be so far. Had a B.A. and working on an M.A. at her age while she's struggling to complete her Associates. But still. 

Anyway. DH has been pressing YSD for several weeks now to get to meet this guy and last night they came over for dinner. (DH sprung this info on me the day of...yay! But at least he did the cooking.) Super uncomfortable dinner all around...and I had a lot I was hoping to get done last night too with taxes coming up. 

The boyfriend...let's call him Larry. He's fine, seems nice if immature for his age. Kind of a pitiable creature, all things considered. Don't dislike him...but obviously don't like him at all for YSD...a college student with her whole life ahead of her.

DH keeps wanting to talk this out with me though, and I'm so over it. I just snapped at him ("You've asked me that 5 times and I've answered 5 times!!! I don't know what else you want me to say!!") because he asked me: "So what do you think of that Larry guy??" for the millionth time since last night.

I've said what I think. I've said it to DH. I've said it directly to YSD. I don't want to spend my time obsessing over it or talking it out endlessly with DH. If YSD is committed to being boneheaded, dissolute, and unambitious (and it looks like she is...which is a shame because she's actually a really smart, talented girl)...then I don't want to get dragged into wasting all my time talking about and bemoaning the fact that she's wasting all of hers. 

Comments

TheAccidentalSM's picture

A friend who is an international consultant with BA, MBS, MBA and the salary to go with all of that is married to a guy that I've decided must be her expensive hobby.  He stays home and arranges the house improvements, acts as their own personal travel agent by planning their international adventures and provides a concierge service to book fun things to do locally for her to keep her amused.  I once took him out for lunch when DH had to drop out at the last minute due to YSS issues and I would have lost a big deposit at the restaurant.  I was never so bored in my entire life.  It was like the worst work client dinners multiplied by 1000.  At best this might be the same for your YSD.

Your DH needs to stop stressing and definietly not nag YSD too much.  The one thing that would make the relationship stick is for him to say something that makes YSD think that she's staring in her very own Romeo and Juliette true love story.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

~snorty~

Yes, it's true. I snorted when I read that.

Hey, Mr. TwoOfUs! If/When YSD makes mistakes, that's on her. She's 21 and going to do what she wants and anything negative you say may very well drive her closer to marrying Larry. Have fun!

still learning's picture

What I've learned from my kidults dating lives is to say my piece as a parent then back off.  Pushing, nagging, ripping their intended to shreds will only bring them closer together.  SD may get bored of Mr. Immaturity, lets hope this is the case. Or she may fall into the same dynamic that she's comfortable with, a blended family, and try to fix her Prince Charming.  Either way, there's not much daddy can do besides encouraging and funding iron-clad birth control.  

A similar example of this is when Sophia Richie was dating Scott Disick.  A gorgeous young woman with the world at her feet, dating an older man with kids who had lots of drama with his ex-wife.  Eventually, they broke up, I guess Sophie made him choose between his ex and her, he chose the ex.  My point is that SD will hopefully tire of her new beau's drama and live her own life. If not, there's a whole lotta Instant Karma bout to be served up.   

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

young adult live and learn. I totally understand all the concerns about this man and I understand expressing the concerns about him to SD, whether it be your DH or both of you. Personally, when I was in college, I dated someone 10 years older than me, had nothing going for him, was basically the bad boy type with tattoos all over and a drummer. My parents found out via facebook, they actually knew him too, and were very against me dating this man. There have been tons of domestic disputes with him and his ex, blah, blah, but you know as a 18 year old, I thought my parents were wrong etc. Long story short, my parents were totally right about him, but them telling me wasn't what made me realize, instead I had to figure it out for myself.

So my advice would be unless things get really serious, be passive about the guy and when people aren't telling her no it is a bad idea, most likely she will find out on her own. Not a fool proof plan and not the same circumstance, but as a young adult on my own, I wasn't being told who I should/shouldn't date.

TwoOfUs's picture

I completely agree with you and everyone else who've said similar things. 

Mainly...I don't want to waste any of MY time angsting about it ad nauseum with DH. Either she'll wise up on her own and this will be a blip not worth the angst...or she won't. But spending my precious time on this earth sitting around obsessing over it and over analyzing the situation...? No thanks. 

advice.only2's picture

Spawn 23 or 24 is dating a man with children, she is already pretending to play happy family with him, but I'm not surprised, Spawn takes after Meth Mouth and dates older guys with lots of baggage. She likes to be the arm piece until he finds one younger.