Can he get a family member to go pick her up or purchase an airline ticket for her? It's normal for parents to want their children to attend their wedding.

I think he is completely within his rights to have his child there. You are wrong here and he will resent you for this. As for using the bill money. If you don't co-mingle funds you won't have this problem. My best advice to you is to split all bills and keep all money separate. Our pre-nup is spelled out for this and it works great for us...

I never resent him spending money on his kids, because it is his. He can't say anything about my spending on a handbag or sending my kid on a High Adventure trip, it is my money. You may want to consider that if you don't want to resent the way he spends your combined money....

You should encourage him to have his daughter there. She is part of his life and you knew that when you met him. Resenting him for her now, is just going to start a series of problems later. The first year of blending is hard enough don't add this type of resentment to it.

Plane tickets are really expensive, I get that completely. I'm not judging you at all and don't know any of your history to really comment on this. I'm probably biased because of the struggle that DH and I had trying to get SD at our wedding. However, I think his child being at the wedding is very important if that's what he wants. DH and I tried so hard to get SD to be at the wedding. SD lives away also, and we postponed the wedding and fought hard in court to expedite the custody agreement process. It all got worse once BM realized that we were getting married and didn't want her daughter to be a part of it. It ended up not happening because I wasn't going to postpone my wedding any longer for a custody battle that had already taken years. The only shadow on our beautiful day is that his little girl wasn't there to see her Daddy get married, and he really wanted it. We wanted her to be there, and to find a way to include her in the ceremony, since we are all part of a family now. I can understand why you might be worried about bills. If it's just a tiny wedding with one or two people, I could understand it. If the rest of your family is coming though, my personal opinion is that if it were me I would do anything to make sure she was included. My DH's mom got married for a second time when he was a kid, and didn't invite him. He's 35 and still hurt because of that. It's not like it ruined his life or anything, but it made him feel like his mom didn't think he was special enough to be there.

Whatever you decide, good luck with everything and congratulations on your big day!

Will your close family members and friends be there? How would you feel if your mother could not attend? Would you do all you could to make sure she were there? If so, that is how your DF feels about having his daughter there.

You said you didn't want him to take the 20 hour drive the day before the wedding. How about suggesting he drives down a week or a few days before?

Parents pull their kids out of school for trips all the time. Being out a few days to attend her dad's wedding isn't a big deal.

Gotta say I think he is well within his rights to want his daughter there. Hopefully this is the last time her dad will be getting married, and it's a special event. It's only right to want his daughter there. Pick and choose your battles.....

Who are the people backing you up on this, your family and friends? Does his family know his daughter may not be there? A third cousin or great aunt missing the wedding isn't the same as the groom's/bride's child or parent missing it.

For his own reasons, my ex decided not to invite our sons to his wedding when he remarried. In fact, he didn't bother telling them at all until months later. I can't tell you how devastated my boys were. Boy was he was totally, completely, uncategorically in the wrong.

If you can't understand why it is so important for your FDH to have his daughter there, then do him a favour and RECONSIDER GETTING MARRIED AT ALL. This is his CHILD!!!!!

Honestly, given that you are already so bloody minded over "family" money, you are not ready for the rest of the rollercoaster - it only gets more complicated from here!

I have to say I agree with with most of the ladies here. I wanted my kids in the wedding and we fought with bm to have the boys in the wedding. I also had them as a part of the wedding and made things for them and the person that was supposed to give them to them did not. I didn't now it before hand that she felt they had no business there but I wanted them in the wedding. I felt so bad for them as they asked me about after ward. I was MAD!

However you need to find a way to have her in the wedding if you can't then I see you have no place for her in your heart or life and not good for the kids at all. I'm surprised your man is marrying you knowing you feel that way about his child.

Honey you need to stop and think before you marry this man with a child that is that young and that far away that you have this much animosity toward.

What is his family saying he's wrong about? Wanting his daughter to be there or using bill money to make it happen? Why can't he drive down a week or a few days prior to the wedding to pick her up? If you're in the NE, I'm sure many of your wedding guest will give cash instead of a gift. Would you be willing to use a bit if that money to purchase a ticket for SD to fly back home? That way he won't have to make 2 road trips. Or he could use the bill money for a round trip ticket and replace it with gift money. Or he can work a bit of overtime to makeup the bill money used for the ticket. Or he can just sit back and accept the fact that you do not want his daughter to share this special day with you, him, his parents, your parents, his family, your family, your friends, his friends... You only want the important people in your life to be there.

So this man is going to be your husband and you - his "loving" wife, supposed to be committing herself to love, cherish and honour - is b*tching at the first hurdle. You just can't bring yourself to find some way to help your future husband do something that is so important to HIM.

Do you really think he gives a cr*p about using some other kid as a flower girl? HE WANTS HIS LITTLE GIRL TO BE PRESENT AT THIS IMPORTANT OCCASION IN HIS LIFE!! SHE IS HIS FAMILY TOO. How can you not get that? I assume that you are not sending your kids away? Or maybe even your own kids are too inconvenient to have at "your" wedding? Seriously, you really come across that you hate that little girl and will move mountains to make sure she doesn't come to the wedding. What a Bridezilla. Wow, hope nobody ever treats you or your kids that way.

I agree if you can't find a compromise that speaks volumes for you and if your dad can't handle the money issue better then he has then he is no better. WOW just WOW.

There is a compromise in here some where. You need to find it or things will not be good in your marriage I promise you that! If I were him I would call the whole thing off if you had that attitude toward my kid! Be careful he just might wise up and send you packing!

Wow.. how old are you, mommyandstepmommy2011???

I feel sorry for your fiance, and I don't understand why he would even want to marry you?? You have displayed some of the most hateful, selfish, narscissistic behavior I have ever seen. If I were him, I'd say 'eff you and the horse you rode in on!!'

OMG.. are you even for real??

You come on here asking if you're the crazy one. For most part, we tell you 'yes, you are', and you aren't even listening. Why did you even come here??

Definitely call the wedding off b/c there are many unresolved issues here that won't get better on their own. It will just be misery for everyone involved and that is not fair to anyone.

Me smells a rat!! I don't think she is for real couldn't be. At least I hope someone would not be like she is. poor kid and poor guy she is about to marry if she really is. WOW I just can't get this out of my head that she is that cold hearted.

Yes you are being very cold hearted. VERY cold! I have asked you to put yourself is his shoes and ask yourself how would you feel if your 8 year old was moved to another state knowing you were getting married and your FDH was pitching the fit you are about her being there? you have not answered my question. You really need to stop and think what would you do if this were your child?

I know what you would do you would do EVERYTHING you could to get her there. But now you are just so cold to a child that you never see. WOW I am at a lose for words expect how cold you are.

These ladies are right this is 'our' money not just yours and his. You 2 are paying for the wedding and you 2 together should pay your dad. WOW

I really do not think we can get through to her. I feel so sorry for the kid and am actually grateful that a BM moved away. I never thought I would think that about a BM. But, protecting that child from this Stepmom is the right thing to do. I just wish the guy would realize what he is marrying before their marriage becomes another statistic. This whole post has me so upset that someone would treat their DH this way....No wonder why we stepmoms fight an uphill battle with peoples perception of us with Stepmoms like this out there.

I hate to think that on your wedding day, you & your man will be standing across the altar from one another, & as you are gleaming & reveling in your glory he'll be feeling resentment & bitterness toward you that he will harbor for as long as your marriage may last...and I use the term "last" loosely here. The worst part of it is that you'll be so involved in yourself & making it all about you, that you won't blink an eye to the thought.

I have a question for the op, in one of your posts you said that your FDH was upset over the amount "I" spent on the wedding. If you it was you that spent that money how is it that HE owes your dad anything??? Plus I would be ashamed if it were pointed out to me about how cold you are being toward a child that all your FDH wants is to be in the wedding and understandably so. SHE IS HIS child! I wanted my kids in the wedding so why would not let my dh have his kids in the wedding? you really need to think how would you feel the roles were reversed.

That will give you your answer, Deep in your heart you know you are wrong but keep trying to get others to see you are not which is why you are posting here. Sad so sad.

YEP, you said fly her and now say "you can't use MY money" to do so, going into a marriage, yep 24 yr old the typical generation ME spoiled Bridezilla brat that can't see past her OWN demands. I'm SHOCKED somebody is considering marrying you honestly.

Ok...wait a minute you have children with your FDH? Two? Toddlers? I expect THEY will be at the wedding, and the "family bill" only applies for use for you and YOUR children correct?

I'm assuming somebody is making sure YOUR children are at the wedding correct? and watchign them during honeymoon? Maybe that's why he's marrying you-you already have kids so he's SOL unless he wants another 18 years of a crazy exwife and CS payments with a very entitled ME ME ME ex.

Get your head out of yourself and think-if this was MY kids wouldnt' I do all possible to have them here? Even if my dad had to wait a bit or your DH-the man you love LENT you the money to make it happen.

Who is paying for the honeymoom? I sure hope your DF isn't helping with that cost. I would hate for your daddy to flip out on him for using money to pay for a honeymoon when he hasn't paid him back yet.

I really think that you should not get married. You need to grow up. You will be one of those horrible step moms that give all of us good step moms a bad name because you are selfish, mean and could give to rats butts about you step daughter. I am curious what planet you are living in? If I were him I would call off the wedding and tell you to go ef yourself and your selfishness. You are quiet the piece of work........

Please don't get married! If this is an issue for you now (it sounds like the child is young if she is going to be a flower girl), it doesn't get a lot better. If she lives 20 hours away, there is always going to be a plane ticket or a road trip including hotel stay and gas charges. I get the bill money issue, to me it sounds like he wants her there to help create that "family" feeling on what is not only your special day but his too. Put the wedding on hold and deal with your other issues first. god bless

I think you are right she doesn't need to be there if its going to interfere with the rest of the family. However, looking at this in his mind he would want his child there to see him marry someone he loves I already went through this and had to bite my toungue and let DH's SD go to our wedding because my 2 bio children would be there. Learn to pick your battles this is one that even though I agree with you and am totally on your side, you're just not going to win.

My SD10 was supposed to be my flowergirl. BM nipped it in the bud and took her on vacation 2 days before my wedding. Personally, I was thrilled although I would never admit such a thing to my DH. Only because I know SD10 and she would have made my wedding day all about her. She's one of those clingy "daddy daddy daddy" types. 2 years later, looking thru the photo album SD10 always says "I wish I was there." And I reply "Thank your mom for that one." This sounds like much more about you not liking the Skid than about bills. In a previous blog you said that it was 16 hours away and that you didn't want him to go away so close to the wedding date, and that you'd prefer he flew her in. What changed? Honestly, pick your battles. If HE wants to sit in a car for a million hours LET HIM. If HE wants to fly her in LET HIM. That's is daughter and you really shouldn't start your marriage off on the wrong foot. I was almost making cartwheels when BM trumped the idea of her daughter being my flowergirl, but atleast my DH was non the wiser. To this day he thinks I was truly broken up about it. }:)

Your last post sounds like you want him to forget/ignore his oldest child and just focus on his new family. He's trying to do the right thing and share the day with the 4 most important people in his life ~ his future wife and his 3 children. It's a shame that you don't (or don't want to) get that. Oh well, in this life what goes around comes around.

You seriously can not be for real...You do realize you are a stepmom and you accept his child for better or worse when you marry him. YOU ARE HER STEPMOM!!!!

You can not seriously believe what you are saying. If you remarried again, you sure as hell would want your children with you and your new husband. Sad thing is you are already preparing for your next marriage. Why are you marrying him? It doesn't sound like you even love him.

Of course he is trying to interject her in your life. He is her father, why wouldn't he want her in his life. Really can I have your husbands email, I really want him to know that there is a much nicer woman out there for him that would accept his child and his relationship with her.

I really dislike my SD15 because of what she has done to me. That is understandable to not want her in my life. But, what has this child herself done to you to cause this much animosity? She is part of his past and you need to accept that.

I agree they will be divorced soon and she need to hope with all her might that he doesn't get with someone that treats HER kids the way she is treating HIS kid! Selfish is what this is! So sad that this poor kid is being put through this and she will always remember that she was NOT in the wedding b/c daddy didn't fly her there or come get her. This kid will resent sm for it too and she will way more problems b/c of this.

I can tell you right now as well as my kids and skids that they DO NOT have more control in our lives then I do! As a matter of fact my dd is laughing at you for that comment. But think about this if your kids are in the wedding why can't he have his kid in the wedding makes no sense! You are being very on sided on this. You know you are why else keeping coming back here to try to defend yourself or why post at all?? Why I'll tell you why b/c what you are doing is wrong and you know it is you just thought that we would all be on your side to validate what you want. When we didn't do that you defend yourself which is not working all it is doing is making you look CRAZY!

You will soon be one of the crazy bm's that we post about and when that happens I will be laughing my head off.

Either you change your attitude toward this girl or leave and let this man have a woman that will respect him and his child.

IF this poster is for real...and not just a troll...

YOU and women LIKE you are the REASON THAT STEPMOTHERS GET LABELED AS "EVIL."

Do yourself and both your family's a favor. Do NOT get married. AND GET YOUR TUBES TIED.

I think that a lot of who's right here depends on more details than I've seen.

1) size & cost - If it's small and intimate with very few guests & limited celebration then I don't think that it's necessary to have her there...but do remember if it's important to him then you need to remember that it's his day too.

2) BM / SD feelings - If you think/know that having her there will do more harm than good because it will cause drama with BM and/or SD then I always think you have to consider that.

DH and I didn't have his son's at our wedding despite having our son and all of my nieces there because while he would have enjoyed having them there, they wouldn't have enjoyed the experience (I don't think most kids like being jammed into formal wear in a hot church) and his ex would have likely lost what little bit of her mind she has left. Couldn't bear the thought of his kids and ex losing it on me in a church. Not to mention that we had fewer than 10 people in attendance and would have had fewer if would could have gotten away with.

If it's important to him and it's not going to send your daily reality into a tailspin, then I really think you should make this concession for him. It's like buying a really expensive dress - I did, it affected our finances but DH understood that it was important to me. If he's letting you pretty much run the show and do what's going to make you happy - as I think most men do - you really should do what you can to show him he's important too.

It's not what you want to hear so I hate to even say it but Marriage is compromise. If you can't compromise over this then I wouldn't do it because as others have said...it just gets worse from here.

I think if it's a huge affiar as you descibe then I would select a family member that his daughter is comfortable with to attend to her and her needs throughout the course of the day and night (I did this with my son at our wedding and it worked very well). Then just grit your teeth and bear it.

While I too wanted my wedding day to be all about me (prior to the actual day)...I quickly came to realize when it came that it's really about family and surrounding yourself with love, not the dress or flowers, etc. and this girl is your family now. So, like it or not if her wants her there and she would like to be there, it's now almost your job to go with it, unless you are hoping to have a marriage full of ill-will and to never hear the end of how you were so awful about having his daughter there.

The money shouldn't matter it is your FDH and his childs feelings and the way this set things up in the future for the way you will respect his feelings and the way you view his dd. This has nothing to do with the money but the way you are handling it that speaks volumes to your FDH. you are getting worked up over money that can be replaced but the way you handle this and the way you treat your FDH and his dd can not be replaced. That is what we have been trying to tell you. It is NOT about the money but rather the way you are acting and handling this situation and the attitude you have about it.

You FDH and his dd will remember this and HE WILL resent you for it. Which WILL cause problems. For the sake of your marriage if you can't let it go and let him use the money to get his dd here for the wedding then you need to step back and not marry him b/c you are NOT ready to be a step mom nor a wife. The reason I say that is b/c being married is about comprise and you already compromised when you told him he could fly her in instead of him driving her in. You HAVE to fulfill your compromise.

No see this is where you are not seeing the big picture it is NOT about the money! People are worth WAY more then money that is what I am trying to tell you can you net see that?? How would you feel if your FDH choose money any amount over your feelings or your kids feelings?? You would not like it at all. As I said the money can be replaced but the way you handle this and treat your fdh is worth way more then any money even a million dollars b/c marriage is not about money sweetie. What part of that can you not get?? If you can't understand what I am saying then no you do not need to marry this man. you are not ready!

NO THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE MONEY! Why can't you see that?

Oh and NO he will not get over I'm tell he will not and this will come up again either with him or his dd or both. It WILL cause way more problems then it is worth. Not worth the fight over a plane ticket for the 2 of you to be good to each other.

You can't expect your FDH to do what ever just you want with nothing in return. He is only asking for his child to be at the wedding. You said it yourself he hasn't and to do much of anything for the wedding nor any input, this is his ONLY request why can't you let him have ONE thing?? This one thing IS A HUGE deal to him.

I believe this person is just a troll. Why do I think that?

Because many (sane, rational) posters have asked reasonable questions and just been ignored. THEN she (or whoever) also can't keep facts straight. It is a BIG wedding but they don't have the money for it. Der! Then you don't have as big of a wedding!

I am new to this board and forgive me, as I have not read all the responses, but seen this comment-
Why is getting her here worth all that money that could either go toward household bills, directly to her, or toward the wedding.

It seems that this really comes down to priorities. To your FDH FAMILY is a priority. His daughter is his family and through this marriage will be your SD. This marriage is about becoming a family. It is NOT just about you and DH. This is about the commitment you have to each other and to supporting each other and because you are already parents it includes your children and SD. He wants SD there because she is his child and she will be a part of this family coming together, whether she is there 50% of the year or 5% of the year. It is obviously important to FDH that this is a family event that includes SD.

It seems that your priority is money. You do not want money being spent on SD getting to the wedding. If money was so tight and so dearly important to you, why did you not factor in the cost of getting SD to the wedding during the planning? Is this a last minute thrown together wedding? If so can you postpone it until you have the funds to get SD to the wedding? If this was a planned wedding – months/years in advance why wasn’t this cost factored in, especially when FDH voiced that he wanted her to be a part of the wedding?

To FDH it is worth spending money and/or time to get SD and have her be included in this life changing event. For you, it would it is not worth it and you would rather money go toward bills or the wedding or directly to SD. Well getting SD there is having the money going towards the wedding and going directly toward SD, as it is taking her feelings into consideration and including her in a once in a lifetime family event. It’s not like you’re going to the zoo and O’well SD isn’t close by and can’t make it, maybe next time. This is you and FDH wedding! This is supposed to be a time for family and friends to get together and celebrate.

If FDH wants to drive to get SD, let him. Is there a reason he has to be around the day or two before? My DH had to drive to pick up SD from school on the Friday before our wedding (2 hours one way). He barely made it back in time for our rehearsal. I personally thought he should have sent someone else, but he wanted to get her to ensure no problems with BM. Sorry, but men are really not that much help in the planning and deatils of the wedding. It could be that going to get SD is the one thing that FDH can actually do to help with the wedding and not get in the way or mess things up ( my DH messed up quite a few things becuase he is not a details guy). We had to also have it be CO that we got SD for our wedding without interference from BM. We went to any and all efforts to have SD be a part of our day. If I would not have been supportive of that I have a feeling resentment would still be there from my DH and my SD.

Well since she doesn’t live with you now and lives a distance away – does she not ever visit anymore? If she does visit how does she get there for visits? Does FDH drive to get her, does BM drive her, do they met, does he fly her? Are there not funds set aside in your family budget to take this cost of her coming for a visit at least occasionally? Can’t those funds be used to make this a visit? Mayeb you use the funds that are set aside for her visits and use it for this and then cancel a different visit. It just seems a little unreasonable to say SD cannot attend the wedding simple due to limit funds. Can she also not visit your home due to limit funds?

HOLY CRAP op you need to step back and realize that if your kids mean as much to you as you say they do that your FI's kid means just as much to him as yours do to you. That is all we are trying to tell you. If all you owe your dad is a few hundred Which according to you is the same as the ticket then yes your dad can wait and he should EXPECT that your fi should use that money to fly his dd in!

If your dad can't wait then shame on him. and shame on you for not wanting your FI to be happy or have one thing that will make him happy in all this huge wedding that you are going to have. Which is really for the bride anyway as we all know that most men could care less and just go to a justice of the peace.

So let your Fi be happy for just a few hundred and be happy for him. As you are getting thousands spent on you.

If money is the only thing you can relate to then I have put in money terms.

Her story keeps changing...It is like watching a car accident. She never once says she loves her husband. I think she wanted a big wedding and got Daddy to pay for it. Made DH work like a dog to pay Daddy back for some of it. Bet her parents have still paid quite a bit of it. It is all about the day for her and everyone will think she is the perfect happy bride with her perfect family. No room for a child from a previous relationship. This has nothing to do with the money for a plane ticket. She doesn't want the image of her perfect family messed up with that child being there. Pictures for years, will show that the child wasn't there.

She will have her perfect day and her DH will wake up in a few months and see that she absolutely hates her new SD. He will walk away from her, because she won't change. Then he will sue her for Custody of their kids. He will marry someone and she will have a backbone and won't put up with her crap. They will be in court on and off for years because she will always be MOTY for her kids.

THis poor guy has no idea how much his life is going to suck with her for a BM. I know my DH would do his whole life over if he could and run screaming from BM. But, he can't and we go back and forth to court every few years.

I don't think she is a troll. She really feels this way and as sick as she sounds to us, in her mind she is justified for hating the SD. She wants a perfect picture and SD doesn't make that work.

There has to be Narcissistic Personality or some other mental illness at work here. She is more in need of intensive therapy than any other poster that has been on this site.

Everyone is right on here, you do not come out and answer the basic questions.

Here since my post was too long for you to handle....Do you actually love your fiancee? That all consuming love that says you can not imagine going a day without him.

Just to show you how good my life is since you asked....I have been lucky enough to have that twice in my life. I have had two wonderful weddings, but those are just two days out of my life. What shows how much you love someone is being there for the difficult stuff. For me it was watching my husband have two kidney transplants and die from Skin Cancer at 38. And for husband number two it is helping him deal with BM and SD and raising our sons.

Curiously what will it be for you? Will it be the perfect wedding day or the life stuff that comes after? Because honestly, you don't have the character to deal with the icky life stuff and you have a lot of coming with your SD....

I can see both sides. First and foremost he should not use money he doesn't have to buy a plane ticket. He should be able to invite his daughter to the wedding though. Maybe he feels bad having to go back to his daughter and tell her that dad doesn't have the money to get her there. But he has to face it and tell her.

Though I'm not close to my SD and SS they were hurt when hubby wasn't going to invite them in our wedding out of state. I expressed to him this would happen. We decided to have a celebration here as well.

Do you have biological children?

So, I know this is an older thread, but I'm just dying of curiosity.....

Did the wedding happen? Or did FDH wish up and run for the hills?? Inquiring minds want to know. :?