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OT- Etiquette question Advice needed

veryembarrassed's picture

Submitted by veryembarrassed on Mon, 01/09/2017 - 1:18am

I find myself in an awkward position. My cousin (who I was raised in the same house with so we are more like siblings) is getting married to his girlfriend of 7 years. It so happens that this cousin introduced my husband and I (hubby was a coworker of my cousin). The girlfriend has been being a bridezilla and only allowing my cousin to have a small number of his family at the wedding. She is including her child from a previous relationship and their child together in the wedding ceremony, but not his sons from his previous marriage (even though their mother is a drug addict who has been completely out of the picture for years). When the groom's brother objected to this, he was promptly dis-invited. My cousin has now asked my husband to stand up in the wedding with him instead. My husband said he would before speaking with me.
For some reason, I am having an emotional reaction to all of this. I am upset about the way my relatives are being treated by the bride (although I generally like her and otherwise we have a cordial relationship), I am upset with my cousin for allowing it and there is also a part of me that is upset that my cousin would choose to honor my husband with a place in the wedding but not me. I am quite surprised about that last part as I actually have no desire to be in the wedding, just upset that my cousin apparently feels closer to my hubby than to me. I am also upset that my husband didn't ask me how I felt about him being in the wedding party as I will now be on my own for the event while he is with the wedding party the whole time and most likely have to be the designated driver to boot.
So the question is what to do about any of this? At this point I would really just rather stay home although my cousin will be very upset if I do that. My other cousin, the groom's brother is likely to be upset that my husband is taking his place in the wedding. And if I go, I will be upset.
I did try telling my cousin that I thought it would hurt his brother for DH to be in the wedding, he wouldn't listen at all and made it plain he will be offended if DH is not in the wedding. Thoughts?

Comments

twoviewpoints's picture

Submitted by twoviewpoints on Mon, 01/09/2017 - 2:01am

So sounds like a whole lot of drama to me. Your cousin will be upset if you don't attend? BUT he is perfectly fine with not inviting his own children nor his brother :?

The groom has been with this lady for seven years, I assume he'll marry her with or without any of your family's permission and approval. You neglect to state why the other children are not being invited. Could it be they have not been respectful of bridezilla ?

Etiquette and all that jazz means nothing to if the groom is quite willing to do whatever it is his bride2be is insisting on. So what does it matter of 100 people on this site perhaps tell you no, this is not proper etiquette? Or perhaps some will tell you it's just fine and will tell you how their own stepchildren trashed and burned their own weddings? Made what should of been a special day miserable and turned it all into being about skids?

You have to decide whether you'll attend or not. Then live with your decision and any fallout. Your husband has to decide whether he will be a participant or not and live with the fallout.

To answer your question, is it proper etiquette in a normal situation of the marriage world? No, it's not. But nothing of what you've stated about the situation is normal and handing your cousin an etiquette book isn't going to change his nor the bride's mind.

veryembarrassed's picture

Submitted by veryembarrassed on Mon, 01/09/2017 - 2:10pm

You are correct that is indeed a bunch of drama and none of the responses here will change that. I guess I just needed to vent, was curious as to whether my feeling were way off the mark and as to how others perceived the situation.

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Mon, 01/09/2017 - 2:05am

You all are adults... why do you care about any of this....

your cousin made his bed thus he needs to sleep in it, there's nothing you can do about it, simply say sorry we are not attending your wedding... end of it

veryembarrassed's picture

Submitted by veryembarrassed on Mon, 01/09/2017 - 2:11pm

I care about the hurt that is being inflicted on my relatives....and surprisingly even on myself. I don't know why I care so strongly but I do.

veryembarrassed's picture

Submitted by veryembarrassed on Mon, 01/09/2017 - 2:16pm

The kids have no other mother figure and to exclude them is needlessly hurtful. She could even give them some other job like usher or read something but didn't.
As for asking hubby but not me, I have actually been to several weddings where there were women standing up with the groom and men standing up with the bride. It is probably a regional thing. The very ironic part is that the fact that I absolutely do not want to be in the wedding doesn't seem to be taking the sting out of not being asked one iota.
I actually asked hubby to tell cousin he won't do it and hubby refused. Now we are fighting about that.

Livingoutloud's picture

Submitted by Livingoutloud on Mon, 01/09/2017 - 6:26am

Imho and again it's just my opinion, people who were previously married and have kids and already lived together long enough so they have kids together don't have lavish or "traditional weddings",having lavish weddings with large wedding parties is tacky to say the least. Is she wearing white dress with veil too? I wouldn't worry about wedding etiquette, judging by ridiculousness of the whole thing etiquette isn't a big concern for this couple.

If you love your cousin and he matters to you then you'll attend his wedding. If you don't want to attend then come up with excuse. Who cares about etiquette.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Mon, 01/09/2017 - 8:01am

part of me that is upset that my cousin would choose to honor my husband with a place in the wedding but not me.

Your husband was asked as a replacement because your cousin couldn't have a mature conversation with his own brother about his own kids not being in the wedding. I wouldn't say that your husband is being "honored".

Your cousin sounds really immature. He asked your husband to stand up with him because he's mad at his brother, but he would be offended if your DH is not in the wedding? How offended could he be when your DH was an afterthought?

Your DH won't have to be with the wedding party for the whole reception.

Too much drama for me. I've never been a fan of weddings, anyway.

Thumper's picture

Submitted by Thumper on Mon, 01/09/2017 - 10:02am

Tacky is correct.

Getting down to the nity grity which is Weddings are attended by persons who support the marriage. Why dont folks think about that anymore?

To answer your question as long as you and your husband fully support this marriage dh can stand up for him. Standing up for the bride or groom no longer has meaning and obligation TO the marriage like it did years ago, we took it seriously and now it's just a thing empty and meaningless.

Do what ever---but it sure sounds like dh should have a talk with your 'cousin' to think long and hard about getting married to her and NOT over look her bride-zilla bad and poor behavior. IT is not just because of the wedding, trust me on this one.

uggghhhh