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BM in rehab, SKs hoping Daddeeee will finally "come home"

headsaregonnaroll's picture

Holy wow. My life never stops being a soap opera, and it's getting older and older.

Latest issue: BM FINALLY went to rehab. She's been a drunk for a decade, three DUIs, various legal issues, lost access to her only grandkid, lost SD16 to the state, lost jobs, the whole spiral. Her daddy paid for her to go to rehab, and I think in part she agreed hoping to stall the sale of the marital home (divorced three years, judge had to order sale and sign the docs because she kept refusing to move, close in July). SD22 immediately forgave her for all her wrongs and went wedding dress shopping with her (SD has the grandbaby and wedding is ten months or more away). SD16 yelled at dad for asking if mom was in rehab.

Then came SD 22 text about "dad it really upsets me that you ask about if mom is in rehab. All these months SD16 and I tried to involve you and have you support mom and now you want to know if she went or not? That's mean." Well, truth is, Dadddeeee is remarried for two years, has a baby, and has no place in mom's sobriety. SD22 first wanted dadddeeee to go to AlAnon with her and sis (while I was on bedrest, pregnant) because "it's for spouses too dad." He refused but blamed me because I was upset about it.

Then when the SKs did intervention on DrunkMom they wanted dad to participate. He was not in. They asked him to "write mommy a letter for the plane" to show support, like they were doing, on her way to rehab. He agreed then talked to me and backed out. They were ANGRY and that's why the mean texts when he asked if she went. He only asked because of a) house sale and b) to support the kids if they were upset.

Now I have more than a little suspicion that both "kids" feel dad will come home to mom if she gets clean; their actions seem to me to indicate neither has gotten over the fact that dad is moved on, divorced, etc. I am the outcast and disengaged, and neither of them is involved with our life much. The youngest does not acknowledge our child as her brother. He is "embarrassing to mom" and so he isn't "dad's blood" like SD16, SD22 and mom (?) are.

If mom gets clean I sense an all out offensive to restore their family is coming. Any tips? Hubby is standing by me but I feel him teetering some as they close him out of their lives due to him not 'supporting mom.' I am sure actually closing the house sale and their divorce decree being finally completed as to money and property will kill them.

hismineandours's picture

Here's my tip-and I'm going to warn you this is a bit crass-but here goes-lots and lots of blow jobs.

realitycheckmom's picture

If he would walk out on you to go back to BM just because she cleaned up then he was never really with you and he is a POS. Sorry but if he really loves you then he will not waiver.

oldone's picture

I hope BM does well in rehab, but they better not get their hopes up too high. A huge portion of people who go through rehab relapse. Relapsing is actually considered part of recovery in most cases.

No one but BM can control her recovery. There's nothing anyone else can do to make her stay sober.

The kids might want him to go back to BM but I'll bet that he doesn't.

Rags's picture

" b) to support the kids if they were upset."

I suggest that DH confront the situation by making it clear that his sole interest is in supporting the girls with their journey of dealing with mom's quest for sobriety. That is it. He can certainly let them know that he wishes their mom a positive outcome to her efforts but he is no longer a player in mom's life.

He should not pawn his decisions off onto or blame you as far as weaseling with his daughters is concerned.  Just stay on the message that he wants to be there for the girls.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

notarelative's picture

...SD22 first wanted dadddeeee to go to AlAnon with her and sis ...because "it's for spouses too dad.",,,

Yes, AlAnon is for spouses. But, he is not her spouse. He is her ex-husband.

AlAnon is for family members and significant others. It doesn't matter if you were pregant and on bed rest or out painting the town red or sitting home watching tv, he is not her spouse (or her significant other) and is not responsible for or part of the ex-wife's recovery process.