SD, 16, turns entire family against dad after she doesn't get her way. Now what?
My SD is a piece of work. I will spare you details as you all know them since you live them. She was removed from my home after assault and death threats, went to live with mom, and was then picked up by social services because she is out of control and mom is unable to handle her. It was me who hotlined it all as mom is a drunk and SD does need help for her own drug issues as well as needs guidance. She just can't get it here after her behavior and bringing drugs into the house with my young kids, as well as beating one of them up.
SD is a mini wife thwarted. She tried to get dad to leave here with her - he didn't. She tried to date him from mom's house (insisting he take her to fancy meals and when he brought her full sister along, that didn't "count" and he owed her more special time out - mind you, never at ice cream or a park or buying school supplies, but at very expensive date restaurants where she would wear slutty clothes and heels, or at Victoria's Secret where she would insist on him buy her lacy bras and panties and tried to get his opinion on them?). He finally cut that off at my request, as I felt it was totally inappropriate to reward a child for bad behavior, or to reward one at all with that kind of dating. She even tried to get Daddy to be alone with her for Valentine's night! in the end, he put a stop to all of it and hauled her to her mother's, hoping mom's assertions that she was sober would last.
They didn't. kid was placed with dad's brother and sister in law since she is not allowed here by either dad or I (threats to small children, drug habit not addressed, out of school district and refuses to move schools). Since that time, dear SD has taken her revenge - she has poisoned uncle and aunt against me and my kids, as well as her grandma and another aunt. She tells them it was my child who beat her up (and they buy that, even though the police report and her father both tell the opposite side of the story, as well as the three witnesses). She tells them we took her daddy (I suppose that is what it seems to her), and that until he buys her things and takes her to live on their own, she won't be happy.
That's sad and sick, and even sadder and sicker is, we have a child together, but DH family actually wishes him to move out! They think since this girl is "troubled" he should put her first. Which makes some sense - but they agree with her that he shoudl move out and be with her, he should attend family functions solo so she is "comfortable" and he should go to family dinners weekly at the uncle and aunt's without me or his baby because she doesn't consider us family and the baby is not her brother.
Thus far we have skipped most events - Christmas, family holiday at the lake, birthdays, and just sent gifts. But his other daughter, who does NOT exclude me, is getting married, so now there are a slew of things I am invited to come and be tortured at by other family members. Sigh. I would welcome some advice.
PS he and daughter are in therapy. They have been for four years. At some point a therapist brought me in, and that seemed wise since she has such issues with me, but she refused to attend with me because I am not "family" to her and she doesn't want to make a relationship.
LOL. I agree. I tried and
LOL. I agree. I tried and tried to reason with them, and so did DH, but to them she is a child and so you bow down to what she wants. As a result our baby has rarely seen any of DH's family besides his half sister (the good one). DH's parents are in town regularly (at least ten times in past six months) and they never, ever ask to see our baby or us. His mom goes on FB and looks at our pictures, comments on them like she knows our baby and like she is upset she doesn't see him, yet never actually tries to see him. We both know it is because if she asked to see him SD16 would have a FIT.
Yeah, I feel for SD22. She
Yeah, I feel for SD22. She is in a rough spot. Loves her dad, loves my kids, LOVES her new brother (begs to babysit, gets her daughter and my son together as much as she can, etc), and seems ok with me also. The rest of the family is silent to all of us, and DH and his mom had a serious fight (I was not there, he relayed it to me) after I tried to make peace and she rebuffed me and basically said she would not bother with me. His bro and SIL have yelled at me, gotten in my face, told me I am a stoolie for hotlining the situation at mom's house (later SIL hotlined the same thing since mom came to see SD drunk, interesting how her hotlining is not bad eh?); other sister told me I was ruining their family. Whatever. Their family was ruined long before I came along. Found out yesterday that DH's sister was in state care in an independent living arrangement as a teen herself - sounds like this has been an ongoing family issue to me.
I know I am rambling and obsessed sounding. I don't have many people I cant talk to about this situation as 1) it is just so damn scummy I dont' want people to know about it, 2) many of my friends are younger or one marriage only folks so can't relate, and 3) I don't want to keep DH upset by talking to him.
Sometimes you gotta just let
Sometimes you gotta just let them all go out of your life.
I also agree with Echo on
I also agree with Echo on this one. Sorry it has to be this way. What a mess indeed!
I think this makes a great
I think this makes a great deal of sense. My husband will want to attend the wedding though and if I don't go, he won't. It will be very sad for him. I can probably get out of every other event with the above logic though.
What a sad state of affairs, that the adults are so short sighted as to throw away a whole future for the family over one kid being a brat, unable to accept reality.
Am I wrong to think that this would be SO much different if all the adults in the family had said, we love you SD, but this is dad's new wife and while you do not have to love or even like her or her kids, you do have to act respectfully and accept reality. If you can't, we will get you therapy, but we will not condone violence, drugs, drinking or crazy behavior, and we will not in any way countermand your father's rules. We love you and him enough to support you both in right relationships - parents are in charge of kids, end of story.
That seems so simple. My folks always uphold whatever my DH says in terms of my kids, same as they do for me, and for their BD (even though they don't like or respect him after his DV on me, they respect that he is DAD). My kids have had very little adjustment issues with regards to new marriage and new baby. I think it is a direct result of adults maintaining proper boundaries and support structure. Seems logical?
This seems smart. I
This seems smart. I basically have taken us out of their equation. I don't attend functions except at the request of my DH, and my kids have the option to stay away also. I guess I have to step it up and take my MIND out of their troubles too. That seems to be the only thing left there.
This exact thing is happening
This exact thing is happening here and I've no idea how to handle it either. SD28 and SIL with new baby refuse to let us see baby or communicate in any way due to bm and her insane rants and lies. ss22 was sucked into the drama and now has no relationship with us either. SS25 just got engaged and has no idea what to do about it. he's the only one with some kind of relationship with us, though he leans toward momma and his siblings.
Previously, when I've been invited to things, I'd go, stay in the background, let DH be with his kids and take his place and I'd just sit back .
Now that they don't speak to dh or me, we're not even certain we'll be invited to middle ss wedding.
I *THINK* if invited, I'll go to support them. I'll bring my dd and dils so I can't be ambushed.
Good for you! it is SO hard
Good for you! it is SO hard to be the pariah in a pit of vipers, isn't it? They all strike, and hiss, and huddle around you, threatening like, but never think about themselves as a big old group of bullies.
I am a fan of the write off myself.
Write off the toxic dipshitiots in life. Let them drown in the currents of their own shallow and polluted gene pools and protect yours.
For whatever reason... it sounds as if the extended DH clan is susceptible to the toxic crap brought to the mix by DH's toxic X.
I feel for you, your DH your child, and for SD-22. The rest of them.... not so much.
It is sad that this kid is so toxic and seems incapable of reasonable human feelings and behaviors.
Take care of you and yours.
Good luck.