My 911 - BM2

StepMomT's picture

I am laying here at 3:43am and have no one in my life to talk to. I wish there was a 24 hr helpline, but where do I begin??

If you care to check my past posts, you will see that I am 3rd spouse after 2 mentally unstable BMs - we are mid 50s, so been there and both have the baggage. BM1 was and still is a walking poster for Parental Alienation (that first round of his kids are mid 20s). Took us to court 2 yrs ago, we won. Too much to rehash there, but for now she is silent.

But BM2 is always there, hovering in our world like a putrid smell. I hate both BMs with every ounce of my being. BM2 learned from BM1 how to play the Parental Alienation game, but this one lives 40 mins away. It feels like she has 1 foot in our door because her presence in relation to the kids, is a constant reminder. We have those kids (age 12) every other wknd.  Well we did until BM took SD against her father's wishes and pierced her fckn nose? Another post if you care to read my past vents.

One more piece to this distorted puzzle is that I gave up everything, I mean everything, to move across the country to be with my husband. He is the nicest man, he was my high school sweetheart a million yrs ago, we are great together, until his exes slither in there to sabotage. Too much to write.

So after 5 yrs of these stupid, constant bs#* games, we are seeking legal advice AGAIN on dealing with BM2 over the piercing, the moving without telling DH, telling the kids to lie, yelling things like "NONE OF YOUR FCKN BUSINESS" across the lawn, in front of the kids, etc etc x a million. We have been in counselling for the last 2 yrs to cope with her. Our counsellor advised DH to set firm boundaries, one being very minimal info, basics, in texts and emails. No salutations or asking permission, no flowery language. Just in and out.

Well here's the kick in my gut. A scene took place at pickup this wknd where the in laws were with DH, (who have a history with his psycho ex as well,) and they got out of the car in front of her house to hug SD who's piercing is not allowed at our house (kid is, nose ring no - kid refusing to take it out) - BM2 screaming at DH, the usual. He tells me what happened, and I actually side with BM2 as she did not expect to see his parents, who are extremely toxic too. (How my DH came from these people amazes me, but alas another story). Anyway, I said to DH that he should send her a quick text saying sorry for that shi#*show, he should have done pickup in a different location this time. That's it. A simple one liner to show he had bad judgement, won't do that again. Well I see the text last night and he said that, but then added "Merry Christmas to you and your family" - like wtaf??? This woman is a sworn enemy! She is ruining our marriage! We sought therapy over her! She put a visual fuk you in his daughter's nose! She has lied to the kids a million times to make him look bad, and he wishes her fckn well??? 

So here I am, seething. The in laws are in my house for the next month. I literally have no family or friends to escape to. I am so angry at him, he is apologizing profusely for his lack in judgement, saying he thought it would help with the kids if he was nice and wrote that! Of course she didn't and NEVER responds or reciprocates in kindness, she is HORRIBLE to him! Ps. This crazy btch hit him across the head with a barstool back in the day. So WTF? It's not even Christmas, so after she made yet another screaming scene in front of family and kids and neighbors, wht the fck, an hour later are you saying merry christmas to her??? It also is now visible proof if we go to court that doesnt seem that upset with her if hes extending good wishes to her and her family??? The family he knows thinks hes a joke!?

Please help me process? Do I leave this man, this marriage? Do I cool off somehow? Write it off? Please help me process.






BlueEyez's picture

I feel your anguish. I feel your fury, and I won't try to talk you down from either. It's easy for someone to be on the outside looking in, so please don't think I'm being glib or undervaluing you're feelings.

 Breathe deeply and ask yourself this:

How much will this specific, singular exchange mean to you two days from now?

How about two weeks from now?

Two months?

Will you likely even remember is in two years?

Breathe some more...

AFTER you've centered yourself, then dig a little deeper to unearth the deeper issue. I don't know what it is, but you probably do. I don't think it's the words "Merry Christmas to you and your family," or the admittedly atrocious nose ring. So what is underneath it all? Control? Trust? Holiday Frackery?

Why do you think he feels compelled to play nice, knowing how easily it can backfire? Do you feel he abused your trust? Failed to stand united with you?

i used to be the one who always tried to keep the peace, honestly not seeing it as a betrayal to my partner. It took me a long time with a very patient man to really "get it." To get that the public appearance of a United Front, knowing to my BONES that no matter what, we have each other's backs, that even if one of us is dead wrong, we'll discuss it later, privately. 

Add to this the feeling of being boxed in -- caged in with your in laws AAARGH! 

As much as you may want to bash his head in yourself, I prefer to stand across the room and hold my thumb and index finger up. I close one eye and place his head right between those digits and squeeeeze his head from across the room and POP! it like a pimple. DH usually catches me doing this, which adds a little humor to a situation, thereby opening a little crack in the tension, allowing a discussion to begin with a tension filled smile instead of gut-wrenching fury.

i don't have a solution. Hopefully, you can just breathe a little easier until someone far wiser than I can offer some actual, constructive advice.

Best wishes ~ 2...3...4...

...and exhale 2...3...4


StepMomT's picture

Thank you Blue. I needed to hear something and I think breathe was it. I feel like a tight ball of fury. It is the fact I have supported him through shtpile after shtpile and we have gone over and through the email/text conduct a million times with a professional (not just me as an outsider looking at what's most effective). Why did he feel a swell of good emotions after such a horrible incident?  I felt she deserved a brief sorry, I stick to that, but why more? She has made his life hell a million times over, there was zero reason for that sentiment that she likely laughed at. Is it still his auto reaction to her abusive behaviour? 


Thank you Smile

tog redux's picture

Honestly - you are way too involved in all of this stuff.  I say that as someone who has been there and done that with the crazy ex and the parental alienation.  It made me so anxious and I wanted to fix it so badly that I tried to control how DH handled it. Letting it all go and letting him do what he wanted was the key to peace with me. It's not your battle. BM1 didn't take "us" to court, she took DH to court (though I am curious how she did that with kids in their 20s).  BM2 is HIS battle to fight, not yours. Just focus on what you can control - you.  And I do know how hard that is.

Also - I think your DH is making a mistake by making the nose ring a hill to die on. He's helping BM alienate his daughter from him over something that really isn't all that important.  He's giving her all the ammo she needs to make SD think he's the bad guy.  He shouldn't get in power struggles with BM over this kind of stuff when PA is involved.

StepMomT's picture

Agreed and I am trying to just step back. Like every story on here, there's so much backstory too long to tell. 

Both of us were in BM1 court documents, I had to give all my financials, which pissed me off! Their 20+ son has Down Syndrome and she wanted 1500/month extra support. The judge threw it out and ordered us to stop even paying the $300 we were giving. He receives enough govt support, so she was lying to get more ($250 per month for a travel account?) It was beyond stressful.

I need to step back I know it.

Still breathing...

tog redux's picture

OMG, how wonderful that she not only didn't get more money, she lost the money he was sending her! 

I will say - decide if this guy is worth it, that's really important.  I decided DH was, but it was touch and go for a while there. 

advice.only2's picture

No flowery language means NO FLOWERY LANGUAGE! Your DH is the problem here, he hasn't set any boundaries and if he truly did then he just obliterated them with that text.

It appears he has grown up with toxic and only understands toxic and doesn't understand what "normal" looks like.