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What would you do...? Piercing approved by bm

StepMomT's picture

Hi all you wonderful, patient stepparents!

So here's the latest. My 12 year old (who looks 10!) SD got her nose pierced. Her father had specifically forbid it to happen. The bm did not consult with my husband as usual. She disregards ANYTHING he says, so the kid, who has the worst hygiene habits (too gross to share) has a piercing now.  

Her dad and I are embarrassed to be seen with her, as we know people will judge us as the parent who approved it.  What's next? A tattoo? 

She hasn't been to stay with us for a few weeks due to holidays etc, supposed to be here Friday.  Would you tell her she has to leave the piercing at home? Or would you just ignore it? I hate having her mothers poor decisions being reflected on us.

Note another example, her dad said no to a cell phone until maybe 13 yrs old, but her BM got her one at 11. We do not allow the phone in our house. Same with all the tech her bm buys her. We don't want to be responsible if they get lost or broken for another thing!

I am frustrated...so what would you do?

 

Rags's picture

IF this kid's heigene is that bad you won't have to do anything. It will get infected and her nose will rott off of her face.

End of problem.

If  you don't want the nose ring, she can remove it when she arrives. Just like the electronics.

StepMomT's picture

I said the same thing, that it will get infected. And hubby is meeting with BM and sd today to tell her it is not allowed at our house.  Of course hes scared he won't see her again, but if a kid chooses a nose piercing over her dad...then see ya! Thx!

justmakingthebest's picture

File for contempt if BM does not send her. DO NOT let even one visit slide because that will be the beginning of the end if you do.

Rags's picture

Exactly this.

justmakingthebest's picture

That is your husband's call. Personally, if it were my bio daughter and her dad let her do that, I would remove it for her when she walked into the house with it. It would hurt. 

However, that is my bio child not my step. This is 100% dad's decision. BM can always just go get her pierced again. 

ESMOD's picture

BM let both girls get some piercings (belly buttons at about 16).. even though DH told the girls he didn't want them to get them.  

No.. we didn't make them take them out.  but they were informed of his disapproval..by him.

The younger one got her nose pierced after she was 18... said it was "annoying" to take care of and have something in her nose so she just let it close up.

I don't know.. taking it in and out can cause issues.. etc.

I think I might let it go with a... You knew I didn't give your my permission.. I am very disapointed in your actions going behind my back with your mother.. you should think carefully about what this does to my respect and trust of you. from dad.

Loxy's picture

I agree with ESMOD, taking a nose ring in and out (especially when it's new) is problematic and likely to turn a smaller issue into a bigger one. I would express your disapproval calmly and verbally and then let it go. She's more likely to dig her heels in about it if you try to remove it or rant and rave. And in the grand scheme of things it sounds to me like you have bigger issues with SD and BM so choose your battles wisely.

Thumper's picture

You have one of those...ACT first, never ask for opinion...

They will say...OPPSIE I didnt know, I thought you would want me tooooo, I did it the way I thought YOU would

Expect more of this.

Sorry...

Dont forget to tell your shocked family and friends IT was all BM's idea...AND you didnt know until after the fact.

 

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advice.only2's picture

I think 12 is young for a nose piercing, but it's done. I would allow nature to take its course and when it gets infected SD will have to remove it.

tog redux's picture

10 bucks says she loses interest in even wearing the nose ring within the month. 

justmakingthebest's picture

My daughter plays softball and all earrings, rings, necklaces, etc have to come off. Even one girls string bracelet that she has had since she was on a vacation to Mexico 2 years ago had to be cut off. Maybe the coach will make her lose it! 

StepMomT's picture

Well both bm and sd claim they don't need to remove at their school. So hubby and I did our own behind the scenes and contacted the school and provided them with the official rules. So let's see what she says at first game :-) 

Rags's picture

This made me laugh.  

ESMOD's picture

natural consequences generally are the best teachers.  

Shoot.. I decided to get my navel pierced when I was in my early 30's... I only kept it in a little while because while it didn't get infected.. it did kind of smell.. no matter how much I tried to keep it clean.. plus.. I wasn't wearing the ultra low waist band jeans.. and the waistbands would constantly tug and irritate it.  

my YSD didn't like the "permabooger" she had from hers.

Wrong Way Diva's picture

Run and get a couple fake nose rings for you and hubs--like at the dollar store-- and wear them around her.  Be the 'cool' parents (insert eyeroll) until the attention wears off.

Seriously, DH should let kiddo know he is disappointed in her decision.  Then shut up.  Ignore it.  No more drama or discussion.  She is seeking attention, so give it to her in other ways.   Praise her for homework, projects, chores, whatever kind of attention she 'earns' and deserves.   

justmakingthebest's picture

I like this idea actually!! But only if Dad wears some super short cut off shorts and a tank top to go with it!!!

ROFL

Lndsy747's picture

This is definitely my plan when my daughter wants piercings, crop tops, short shorts etc some day.

StepMomT's picture

And apparently there are fake nails now too...remember she's 12. I havent seen her for ages as I was on a work trip, but gross.  I bet they are disgusting by now.  For fun Google how one gets pinworms...she's had them twice this yr....

Great choices BM 

advice.only2's picture

Oh good lord really! Are they the press on kind or the actual acrylic? Jeez she sounds like she's on the fast track to Teen Mom.

StepMomT's picture

They are the real acrylic ones. Hubby just told her and her shitty bm that the piercing is not welcome here so let's see how long before we see her.  Oh well, not...my...kid.

 

Ps. BM said she would take her for a tattoo if she wants one...I have said teen mother a million times. Little shi*.

ESMOD's picture

My OSD wanted a tattoo really badly when she was in HS.. her dad wouldn't give her permission.. but daddeee.. my friend ryan's dad will do it for free... pleeeeze.

no he said.  Whelp little miss I can do what I want did get the tattoo but of course it was hidden for a good while so we didn't see it till much later.  She actually didn't come for visitation too much past age 16.. but she was working and in sports.. and we lived 3 hours away so he just saw her when he could.

Well.. the lovely tattoo by this "professional" artist was an anchor.. that literally looks like it was drawn on her foot with a sharpie.  It is big.. it is ugly and she got it on the top of her foot basically.. so zero ability to hide it when she wants to dress up in heels.. lmao.  I grin internally every time I see it. she is very vain.

YSD has a few tattoos.. but all hers she got so they could be hidden by a one piece swimsuit... they are fairly nicely done.. and she got them after age 18.. so whatever.. scribble on your body girl.

Lndsy747's picture

I remember BM gushing on Facebook when SD was 12 that her baby got her first full set!!! I've always been kind of a tomboy so maybe I just don't understand but she was shaving at like 9 or 10, 3 holes in each ear by 11,full set of acrylics and eyebrows done at 11, nose ring at 14. She's now 17 and last I saw they had a Pinterest board of mother daughter tattoos so I'm sure that's coming soon 

I'd rather be proud of good grades and appropriate behavior but that's just me.

MissTexas's picture

about it, because then she may get an eyebrow pierced, or one of those pierced bar things that goes from the top to the bottom of her ear.

As crappy as it looks, and as infected as it may become, not your issue.

I think you wrote that you've found the school's dress code information, but if not, most have it online on their websites. It will tell you what is and is not allowed at school.

Now you'll have something to lead your monkey around by! Although I'm sure this isn't your circus or your monkey, but you get it, right?

NotThatTypical's picture

Who has primary? What does the order say?

In our case the oldest wants her ears done. However BM is the one who would have to take care of it in the long run so we wouldn’t do it without her approval. If it were flipped and he was primary caregiver then we wouldn’t care what she thinks.

Here’s the thing. Is it worth the fight? Yeah she shouldn’t have done it but it’s not a tattoo and it won’t destroy her life. Maybe she takes it out in a few days when it’s uncomfortable or maybe she keeps it for the rest of her life. It hasn’t disfigured her and there is just as much risk now if she leaves it in or takes it out.

If it’s a big enough issue seek court involvement. I do think they would consider it big enough to put something in the order. Some orders state that neither parent can alter the child’s appearance in major ways without approval. For instance we can’t cut the little one’s hair into a Mohawk or shave the oldest bald. We can do “normal” trims and temporary dyes.

fourbrats's picture

to die on. 

Middle DD (belongs to DH and I) actually got her nose pierced right after her 13th birthday. I was somewhat opposed but she had earned it through various things so DH took her. She is almost 18 now and still has it. It is small and I forget it is there 95% of the time. 

She is a kid who has been into piercings, makeup, nails, etc since she was 11/12. Which is funny since I wear makeup about twice a year and have my nails done every two years or so. She is now in cosmetology school and plans to continue into piercing and esthetics. This is her passion and as soon as I quit fighting her on it we had a much better relationship. 

If your SD doesn't follow the care instructions then she will have to take it out and that would be the natural consequence of not listening and waiting until she was ready. 

Thisisnotus's picture

I am all for peircings but 12 is way too young. I would be okay if my kids wanted piercings in highschool and I would take them without asking what their father though about it, but most definitely not middle school.

That was a poor choice by BM.

StepMomT's picture

Yea, agreed.  Even if she was 14 I would just ignore it, but she's fckn 12 and poor with hygiene. We wash her sheets the minute she leaves, and we make her shower as soon as she gets to our house.  Her bm sends her greasy and in ill fitting clothes, you know the game.  Anyway, all that and more is why I feel so angry! 

StepMomT's picture

So. Nose piercing came out after 5 months. Saw a lawyer in December who said due to wording in their separation agreement the ex clearly breached it. Hubby pointed it out to ex. Said he would take her to court if he had to. 

All is now right in the world. For now...

Harry's picture

So what.  It's not your nose, not your child, not your problem.  All you have to care and make sure is that SD does not move in with you.  No to her and her not in the distant child,   BM will let SD boyfriend spent the night with her, because she is the COOL MOTHER