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SS Has Never Talked to Me without me Initiating

inlovewithmikedes's picture

Hello! Been a while since I posted. Overall things have been "so so". My 13 almost 14 yr old SS lives here every other week for almost 2 years. I have been in his life for the past 5 years. His older sisters didn't want to live with us and moved in fulltime with BM then 2 of them went off to university. 

SS gets on my nerves in the worst way! Generally I really like children but he is the different than most kids. I myself have 3 sons (22, 18 and 12) so I know boys and generally find them easy to get along with. My SS has NEVER said a word to me without me initiating. He only says " Hey" if I say hi first. Over the years I have tried so hard to get to know him. Tried talking to him more, buying gifts and treats for him that his parents couldn't afford including new clothes, deodorant, body sprays, and hair cuts so he wouldn't be a social outcast. 

He is a VERY awkward teen with a BM that hates me and bad mouths both me and his dad. He isn't a very attractive kid to say it nicely and has no friends. When he does try to interact with my kids he only communicates by comparing things and debating which then turns to fighting and anger. He can't just talk for the purpose of connecting with someone. He can only communicate by bickering about why his things are better including his phone, fav sport, school, music or sports team are better and literally challenges any boy my son brings into the house to prove he is a faster runner or a better basketball player by a dual/match lol.

He completely ignores me and seems shy around me. He stays in his room for most of the time he is at our home playing xbox or watching movies occasionally coming out to shower, get food or chat briefly to his dad while completely ignoring the others. 

He has an annoying habits of being loud while playing xbox. It's like he is a different social being on xbox while he is socially awkward in real life. He also has a loud throat clearing sound that he makes ALL the time. It sounds like he snorts back his snot and swallows it!!

I have told my DH to tell him to stop his annoying habits and talk to him about how he feels about living here. Apparently, SS says everything is fine. I also know DH doesn't push any issues he is afraid of losing him like the girls.

Guess it's been harder lately because my DH is currently unemployed and I have been the sole supporter for the family including my SS. His parents are currently in court fighting over child support dollars (his ex is a lazy gold digger and wants more $). It's hard to feel bitter when I have to support my SS who doesn't acknowledge my existence while his BIO parents fight over who has to pay for this kid.

I have a healthy income and normally wouldn't mind at all but I hate supporting this kid who has never treated me well. He would have me at "hello" lol. Its not like he hates me or is terribly rude. It's just him and I feel badly for my attitude. He is homely, smelly even though he baths and wears Deodorant, a social misfit with no manners, never says thank you, very messy and doesn't pick anything up (at least he only stays in his room where the mess is confined).

Before he leaves his room he opens his door slightly then peeks out to see if I am around. If not, then he goes to the bathroom. Same thing in the kitchen, he won't go in there if I am there. If he needs something, he will ask his dad who will then ask me. 

I could understand this behaviour if I were mean to him, tried to exclude him from the family or he had just moved in with us. However, he is used to us now as he has been living here for almost 2 years and I am VERY kind to him. I really fake it! I really try hard to treat him the same as my kids.

I just feel resentful and angry that he takes up space and lives in my house especially when we need an extra room for one of my kids who needs privacy and is sharing a room with a sibling. My DH claims to have asked him if everything is OK here and he says everything is fine. Maybe he is just a weird unsocial kid??

On the other hand, my kids love my DH and consider him to be like a father. He also loves them and interacts VERY well with them. The difference is that my kids are friendly, very social and open to new people. They are very easy to love and while not perfect, very good sweet kids. They are outgoing, have many friends and are well mannered. I am trying hard to accept his social outcast kid to not cause friction. I hide my feelings so deeply that at the end of the week when he goes home, I feel the need to release these negative feeling (he just went home lol). I know it could be much worse if he were outwardly rude and disrespectful but honestly a weird SS with NO personality who ignores you isn't easy either! Anyone else have a stepkid like this? How do u cope?

MrsStepMom's picture

Stop paying his child support! Wtf that is bullshit. He can go work at McDonald’s! Not a chance in hell I’d ever pay a cent for anything for SS. Like if he was starving I wouldn’t buy him a happy meal without my DH paying it back. 

 

He he sounds a lot like my SS, A LOT!! That being said I find him ignoring me to be lovely. I have no desire to hear his stupid voice or see his ugly pimpled face. Consider yourself lucky you don’t have to engage with him that often. 

inlovewithmikedes's picture

I get what your saying! It is good in one sense that he stays in his room but it is like an annoying presence LIVING in my home. It grows on me after a while and I find myself playing his game sometimes and trying to avoid him too. Other times, I feel passive aggressive and walk into the kitchen knowing that he will leave quickly lol. Sometimes, I want to come up to him and just say BOO since I "scare" him so much!

To all the women on this site without kids.....PLEASE TAKE MY ADVISE....unless you have matching baggage aka children from a previous relationship, GO FOR SOMEONE WITH EITHER NO KIDS OR GROWN KIDS. It's just not worth it. For me who has 5 kids, it was very unlikely that a childless man or one with grown kids would want old mother Hubbard so I met a wonderful man who is perfect in every way but has lots of baggage himself!

Just my 2 cents!

MrsStepMom's picture

Oh I know the feeling. I can hear him walking around upstairs and just as tense knowing he is here. When the time when he comes home from school gets near I get anxiety. I do the same thing. Ignore, or walk into the room to watch him leave. Mine will come downstairs and just stand and stare at you. I just say “what!?” so he realizes how weird he is being. We have him full time and I would never be with someone with kids again. He has destroyed my life and I am leaving over it. 

sunshinex's picture

Maybe it's a stepkid thing because my SD7 also walks in and stares. I've woken up a few times to her staring at me through the door because it's slightly open (for my cats). Usually, I just say "what's up SD...." to remind her to stop being weird but when it's extra creepy/privacy invasive like watching me sleep, I tell her it's effin weird in the nicest possible way lol 

Jcksjj's picture

It kinda sounds like he has some sort of severe social anxiety or is on the autism spectrum or something and it probably has nothing to do with you personally. So if you are taking it personally (I cant tell for sure from the post) I dont think you should.

I completely understand though. No one gets what it is like to have to actually live with an unrelated child unless they've had to do it themselves. And I get what you mean by the presence even if they're just in they're room - it's like a constant uncomfortable tension and then when they leave it feels like you can breathe again. We also have every other week and I hate the constant cycle of SD coming and going. You get a short breather but with the knowledge that theres only a short time and then a longggg week ahead again after that.

Goodluck's picture

Your ss should be told to be polite.

Someone has given him the nod it is 'ok' to be rude. YOUR husband should insist his kid show you manners IF He wants to walk in HIS and YOURS front door.

 

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

If your SS is socially awkward, perhaps he is just struggling with how to reach out to you and start a conversation. Maybe he doesn’t want to intrude on your time and waits for you to start.

Also, I would be hard pressed to want to reach out to someone who thinks I’m physically unattractive, that my hobbies are obnoxious, I am unable to groom myself and my topics of conversation are grating. Also that person resents me and fakes being nice.

Perhaps this polite standoffishness is the best you can hope for. As long as the kid isn’t overtly rude.. *shrug*

shamds's picture

Its emotional abuse and he thrives on it. My ss told his dad he couldn’t say hello to me or acknowledge me as he was awkward and clumsy around strangers.

my husband lost his shit and was so offendes because we’d been married 4 yrs at that point and had 2 kids together which he does not acknowledge. My husband said thats my bloody wife, she’s not a stranger and you will respect her and apologise for your disrespect and abuse towards her.

i kid you not my husband messaged him 20 times within a half hour “have you apologised to stepmum” before he finally left his room and whilst mumbling with a massive grin and smirk said “daddy told me to apologise”, i told hubby off it was so pathetic and when he lost it even more with skid, skid came with his bullshit excuse “i’m stressed”.

yes princess d boy is stressed from having to be a decent respectful human... booohooo. 

I ignore him now, our 2 toddlers i do not ever see even maintaining a civil relationship with any of the skids, they’re just pathetic and it just frustrates hubby that they blame him for everything while hcgubm with pas gets off like mother theresa 

GoingWicked's picture

SD ignores me as well, DH refuses to address it, so I reciprocate.  DH has told me over and over again for years that SD tells him she wants a good relationship and she wants to apologize... sure DH, keep drinking that kool aid.  

Anyway, I think her BM talks badly about me.  So she feels conflicted, plus the rare occasion she talks around me she is either either lying, indirectly insulting me, or talking about herself and how wonderful she is.  I consider it a blessing she doesn’t talk to me.  So... you’re probably not missing out on much.

shamds's picture

with ss20 how hubby notices how he intentionally ignores us and pretends we don’t exist that he makes home not a harmonious environment and it upsets hubby greatly and hubby asked what was his problem with me and our 2 toddlers (his half siblings) . Know what ss answer was? He has no issues and everything is fine... 

hubby relayed this back to me. Know what answer he got from me was? BULLLLLSHIIIITTTTTT!!! 

I told him this isn’t normal behaviour to go out of your way to make family members feel unwelcome in their own home, to traumatise your own little siblings because they do not see you as a brother but a stranger.. i told hubby he was stupid to buy ss bullshit and hubby would say he was stressed and had a headache. Yup hubby got the contagious imaginary stress syndrome.

i told everyday living here with him and ss was torture, hell and bloody stressful. I told him you try having 2 toddlers demanding you carry and hug them the moment they see their half brother because he scares the shit out of him. I told hubby that boy doesn’t deserve the respect of being called a brother and every time hubbys family see our son and say he looks just like ss20, i’m fuming mad inside, it a big stab to my heart because they look nithing similar and are not the same in character/personality

my kids lack more compassion and empathy than 3 skids aged 14, 20 & 23 plus hcgubm narcissistic biaatch bio mum... 

so now i go about my day as normal. I’m currently finishing my degree so alot of studying at home i can read in our bedroom. Ss rarely comes out unless hubby is home and he sits on his own in a corner playing with his phone.

my husband said when he got sole-custody of ss 11 yrs ago, the damage pas was already done. Hubby was so at unease and when he tried to ask about things and if bio mum had tortured them as suspected he was so traumatised he asked hubby never ever to ask him again.

all 3 skids will not talk about it so how can you help people who don’t want to be helped? The result is 3 skids who treat others with disrespect and have a lack of respect for boundaries.

i’m glad sd haven’t yet come to our home, since they’re spies for bio mum, i’m glad they don’t come

Harry's picture

DH can get a job or a few jobs at Wal mart, Mc Donald’s, TGI Friday’s and send CS 

elkclan's picture

I have awkward weird SSs, but my son is awkward and weird, too. :-) 

The money issue is massive here. Your DH needs to understand that all the resources that you spend on this kid who is rude to you is money you could be spending on your own children (or yourself!).

MrsStepMom's picture

I really don’t think she should EVER pay a cent. What would he do if she wasn’t there? If he needs the order modified due to no income on his part then go to court. A judge won’t look fondly on him not working though. 

inlovewithmikedes's picture

Thanks for the sharing your similar experiences and words of wisdom. Sometimes you just have to vent! I TRY SO HARD not to bitch to DH about him because he has tried to talk to SS about it a few times already. However, he is not a big communicator especially about difficult topics so I don't think he is capable of having a heart to heart discussion with his son who is even worse at sharing his feelings. Like I said earlier, his teenage/adult girls decided not to live here when he moved in (after being together for 3 years at that point). I think he is secretly terrified of losing his son so his discussions with him are always positive.

My DH lost his position as CEO during a merger so it is hard for him to find an equivalent paying job. The ex pesters him about when he will start working again. She won't accept a "good" job that pays $80,000 but expects him to find a job on the same pay scale which was a bit more than double. Those jobs just don't come around often and when they do your not guaranteed to get it. He has been unemployed for the past 5 months. She has a good degree but choses to work part time despite having older kids because it's too "hard for her". I on the other hand, have 5 kids (22, 18, 14, 12 and 6) with 4 of them still at home and primary custody. PLUS HER child (SS13) every other week while working full time in a demanding position. To be honest....I love watching her stress about it! ..She never worked when they were married because she chose not to. This ultimately contributed to marital stress and the end of their marriage. So my advice to him is take your time to find the right equivalent paying job or alternately, he may have to just settle for a $80,000 job and watch BM freak out since she will receive much less in child support.

He is in the process of going to court to have his CS altered. To be honest, higher paying jobs don't help men (or women) who pay CS because the more they make, the more it goes to the EX especially when you have 4 kids! BM tried to say he "tried" to lose his job but documents clearly and easily proved this was not the case and I can absolutely assure you, this was not the case. So I guess the gravy train has gone!!! Poor BM, she has to get a full time job like the rest of us and heaven forbid.....WORK....HARD  lol!

flmomma08's picture

Wait a minute.... you're paying his child support? No no no... just no. I make twice what DH makes and I would never FOR ANY REASON pay his child support. That is HIS responsibility and his only. If his income/employment changed, he needs to go have CS recalculated. That is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard! No wonder you're resentful!

As far as not being acknowledged, same here. My SD11 will walk into my house and not even speak to me. I've brought this up numerous times to both her and DH because it's just plain out rude but nothing ever changes.

Happycamper's picture

Yes! You are not the only one in this boat! My skids are the same way. They don't ever acknowledge me first. I've even gone to school functions and sat through dreadful concerts to watch them only to be shunned when DH waited to see them at the end. My DH doesn't see it either. Apparently there are a lot of men out there that think that their bio children are perfect. It's funny that we women can even say our own bio kids aren't perfect but we love them. Why do the men not see their kids imperfections? My skids are very, very socially awkard. They are 16 and 19. Neither have any friends. They are both very imnature because everyone does everything for them. They have never had to fend for themselves or make their own money. Everything is given to them on a silver platter. SD19 wants to hang out with DH all the time because she has no friends. I wish I could say it would get easier, but I am struggling with similar issues. Hang in there!