You are here

Feel left out when SO has his kids...are my feelings justified or am I just a whiney partner??

inlovewithmikedes's picture

Hello to all the amazing step parents on this site!! I am so glad I found this site because I am new to the world of blended families. I have 5 bio kids of my own and my SO has 4 kids ages 17, 15, 13 and 10. The eldest three are all girls and think like a tribe! We both have been separated for a little over a year now and met shortly after we separated. My trouble is that his children are cold and withdrawn when I am around them. I desperately want to get to know them and connect with them. I love children so I fully expect to love them all and accept them one day as my own. My partner has his kids 50% of the time and when he does not have them he lives with me and my children who have openly accepted him. Life is bliss when he lives with me! However, every other week he goes back to his house (3 min drive from mine) and has his kids. During this time it seems our relationship basicly stops and I feel disconnected and left out of his life. His children "like" me but I think they are having a hard time with daddy dating a new woman. They are very connected to their BM and share many of her religious values on divorce and dating. He left her so she is probably still angry and hurt and has called me a "mistress" early in our relationship. We do family outings and dinners maybe one time during the week they are with him. He is afraid to show affection towards me and has only recently admitted to them that we are more than "just friends". I feel like I have a part time boyfriend. We talk about marrying and moving our families in together in one year but I don't know how this will happen in light of his daughter's reactions and feelings towards the situation. He doesn't want to push the relationship because he fears that his daughters will not want to live with him anymore since they are all at the age where they can decide where they wish to live. I feel badly for him because he is between a rock and a hard place. On one hand he doesn't want to lose his daughters but on the other hand, he wants to share and spend the rest of his life with me. I ended the relationship 2 months ago for this reason. He asked me to reconsider and this is when he asked to move in with me on alternating weeks. Sometimes I feel whiney and I know it makes him frustrated when I complain about being excluded from his life when he has his kids and having a part time boyfriend. We are actively trying to get the kids familiar and comfortable with me but the pace if so unbearably slow that I wonder if it will ever improve or whether I even bother waiting? I will not wait indefinitely for him and his daughters to come around. I want to know are my feelings justified and would you feel that way if you were in my situation?

Willow2010's picture

hmmm...I get how you feel. But I also get how your SO feels.

I am more like your SO actually. DH and I met and fell in love and he wanted to marry. I would not. I wanted to raise my kids first. Period. My first commitment was to my children.

We lived apart (same neighborhood) for about 7 years. Finally got married when my last child was 15. It worked out great. I highly recommend not living together until kids are older. It will save a lot of heartache and drama.

Read these boards and see what some of these women go through. Especially with female skids!! And you have 3. Maybe just put the brakes on pushing for marriage so soon.

Good luck!

inlovewithmikedes's picture

Enough with the moral judgment please. Yes you are a better person than me. I understand this to be a safe site with kind step parents venting about real feelings abd situations. When we began dating has very little to do with my original question or with his step children as I explained above in a prior reply.

AllySkoo's picture

"This site is actually more about women who've gone down some damn tough roads and we have some pretty strong opinions and voice them quite bluntly. "

Not anymore, Echo. *sigh* Not anymore....

Glassslipper's picture

Well for starters they are teens and they are girls, you have the deck stacked against you (in my opinion)
You broke up because you wanted something more than he could offer you since he is just a part time boyfriend?

I guess I would assume or say from your story, if it were me, I would move on. He doesn't have what I'm looking for and he's not going to change, the daughters/kids take priority and you have 5 bios of my own to look after would be my thoughts, but I don't know how you feel emotionally or your goals, and dreams, just going off your story.

inlovewithmikedes's picture

hi! i broke up with him because he felt even more like a "part time" boyfriend before we lived together every other week. He was the one who suggested we move in together in order to be together more often. I agreed to give it a chance and it certainly has helped but it is still difficult to go from a wonderful relationship one week to almost completely being shut out of his life the following week. in his defence, he is trying to help the girls to "warm" up to me. He is afraid to show any affection towards me in front of them. it doesn't help that their mother says she will always wear her ring and be married to him in the eyes of God and the church. His daughters have a strong religious upbringing. one of the reasons he left her was because she became too strong and forceful in her religious beliefs over the years. Yes I agree, I do have the deck stacked against me with his 3 teenagers who think as a pack and have a strong religious upbringing

inmisery2015's picture

This seems like a bad situation in my opinion. He asked you to let him move in during the time he is not with his kids? Seems like he needs a crutch and can't be alone. Does he actually live with you as in pay bills and take care of the house or does he just stay there? I think it would be best to move on. Something is not right with this situation.

AllySkoo's picture

Weeeeeeeelllll... You're not "wrong". But that doesn't make THEM "wrong" either, you know? You have a goal (being a family) and a timeline in your head. It is COMPLETELY your right to have those things. But (and here's the important bit) you can't force your goals or timeline on anyone. Especially not the skids - they have the absolute RIGHT to approach their relationship with you on their own timeline. (Misbehavior is something else. But being "cold" and not feeling like a family is NOT something you can demand they change.)

I guess I'd say have your timeline and stick to it - but be prepared to walk away. (Again.) You have the right to your own expectations and wants, but if they don't meet those then that doesn't make them bad people. It just means it's not the family (or the guy) for you.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

i REALLy think what you are doing now - which might make you lonely every other week - is indeed the best scenario. Spend sometime hear reading what life is like when they are actually living with you and are openly hostile. Many go the route of moving out and just dating their SO when he doesn't have the kids. Many here would love the setup you have now because really, it is ideal. I know it doesn't seem that way but you'd be giving three teenage girls all the power in your relationship and statistics show teenage girl stepchildren are a huge predicator of divorce. If you really in love, then you'll be really in love in four years when they age out. Or most of them age out anyway

inlovewithmikedes's picture

thank you for this perspective : )..perhaps it is better to be in my current situation than dealing with some of the other issues on this board? it is soooo hard to love someone with children! it is pretty bad when my scenario may be the best one lol!

momagainfor4's picture

1) you "dated" a married man while he was in a oh so awful marriage with his wife, he says.

2) he left awful wife to hook up with you, bc it was awful and you are so awesome

3) his kids see you as a homewrecker, which you are. I notice you don't address any accusations in the posts above. Head in sand.

4) you have 5 kids to be worried about. their future and wellbeing as well as their relationships with their dad. That sounds like it should be your top priority right now. You don't say how you're kids are doing.... just that they have accepted and adore this awesome guy who left his wife for the woman that he cheated on his wife with. I'm a bit shocked that you give that as the excuse why you left your husband but it's ok for you? How do you think this guy's wife felt.. awful or not? maybe the same way you might have felt when you found out your spouse was cheating on you? AND your kids sound like that don't really have a choice, they accepted what you've put in front of them.

5) I'm not a hater. I'm not perfect but it's obvious that you are not focusing on the main issues. You almost sound like a teenager yourself. worried about stuff that just frankly should be non issues right now. His kids are not going to accept you now, if ever. You are really not even free to get married. And you can't wait to jump into another marriage??
Why the rush? You already know that love doesnt cure everything. How can you expect these girls to just forgive the woman that changed their lives forever? Don't hold your breath.

6) Therapy would be the key to getting yourself in the right place with some balance in your life. It just sounds like you need to figure YOU out before you start planning a fairty tale blended family life. It's not easy even with families that don't face these difficult issues that you already are dealing with.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to offend you, I just prefer to speak plainly. You did ask. I think you are fooling yourself.

inlovewithmikedes's picture

Hello. I just recently addressed the accusations in an above post. I was out at kids sports all night so no I didn't put my head in the sand. His children do not see me as a home wrecker. My children are doing well and adore him. I have always put my kids first and when he is here almost all "our" time is spent with my children.

oneoffour's picture

Step back. Either be the part time girlfriend and find other ways to enjoy your life like spending time with friends or taking trips with your own kids. Do not sit on the sidelines waiting for this man to come back to you every 2 weeks.

If you want hm 100% you are not going to get it. His daughters find their father less than a man because he left their mother. My kids felt the same about their father when he walked out on me. They are NOT forgiving. Their world is destroyed and their mother is grieving for her marriage. I did the same. When someone makes the arbitrary decision to end a marriage with no regard for how it affects others esp. the children and sets up home with another woman who he was seeing while still married.... honestly it isn't pretty. Kids will not forgive you and want to be your BFF because that would hurt their mother and frankly they do not like you. You can wish all you want for the happy-clappy lets all get along future but it will not happen. You and their father have undermined their belief system and their faith. Therefore their mother WILL always consider herself his wife despite whatever the law says. Nothing apart from the woman herself will change that. Her daughters are hurt that their father made this decision.

How would you feel if the woman who your husband cheated with was/is still in the picture and she wants nothing more than for your kids to be her friend? To all get along and not really care about feelings or love for the wronged parent?

BethAnne's picture

You have been only doing the week together/week apart thing for two months now, give it time. It is normal to feel left out, jealous and lonely if your partner is off enjoying life elsewhere, but it is up to you to make it work. As with most of the advice here, I think that rushing to move you all in together asap is not a great idea. Instead work on ways to make the most of your current set up and then see what happens naturally. Obviously you and your boyfriend need to work out a long term plan at some stage, but it isn't necessary right now to get all the details in place.

So focus on finding small ways you can connect to your boyfriend on his week in his house. Communicating, but also doing nice things for each other. Write each other notes, send small gifts to each other, watch the same movie/tv show together while talking on the phone, maybe see if you two can go on a breakfast or lunch date alone every now and then. The other aspect is to focus on doing things on your own that you couldn't do with him and or his kids around. Spending quality time with your kids, taking up a new hobby, watching the tv shows/movies that he hates, eating food he doesn't like, spending time with your friends or family. Use the time apart to re build yourself and your life as if you would if you were single and getting over your marriage, only this time you don't have the distraction of dating to take away from doing you-things because you know who you want to be with already.

I spent almost 2 years living separately from my husband when I first met him (as in 5000 miles apart). It was agony at times when I just wanted to hold his hand or hug him. But ultimately it meant that we built a really solid relationship. We had time and space to get used to each other, we had hours of discussions on skype, and emails talking about all aspects of ourselves, our lives, our hopes and our dreams for our future. The distance helped us to not rush into things and also the saying is so true...absence does make the heart grow fonder. I truly believe that our time apart was a blessing for our relationship. It could be the same for you too if you let it be.

inlovewithmikedes's picture

For the record yes I am real. I'm pretty sure about that lmao! His children do like me as a person and nobody knows we went for coffee and dinner before we separated except for 2 close friends and now you. They are cold with me because they are having a hard time seeing dad with someone other than mom and secretly wish they will get back together. Some of our interactions have been quite good but often they are quiet around me and make me feel unwelcome. They are not terribly rude to me nor have they talked badly to their father about me.

inlovewithmikedes's picture

This will be my last post. Thank you kindly to those who gave me wonderful advice and a different perspective on the matter. : )
For the record, we are not bad people and have our children's best interest at heart and love them dearly. We are not "morons" or "flakes". You probably won't believe me but for what it is worth I am the director of a health facility and he is a CEO. I am not certaiin why I feel the need to state that? Guess the "moron" and "flake" comment didn't go over too well?! Lol!

sarahmj's picture

I got with my OH pretty soon after splitting with my children's dad, it just happened that way. My OH had lived on his own for two years though. We moved in together after a year and are both getting re married after two. We are perfectly happy even though some people may say that's rushing. Our kids are all under 12 though so I do agree with the teenager thing! It has been more difficult for my OH kids though because they had him to themselves for two years when he lived alone. So sometimes being single for a long time can actually be worse. Each situation is different x

stepmomdavis's picture

I encourage you to read the forum on adult step children. That is what your life will be like if you stay. I say date other people. But feel free to vent. I don't judge when you met him. It may matter to his kids but this is 2015. Lots of people date when they are seperated. My DH did.

Disneyfan's picture

He was separated. He was still living with his wife while dating the OP. Regardless of what year it is, that is called cheating.