Slob
SS15 is like PigPen from Charlie Brown. He has "his" chair in the living room that is piled all around with crap. He waits until everyone else is asleep, then goes to sleep on the couch. It's like the LR is his bedroom when he's here. I finally started using it anyway, doing my workouts at 5am, even when he's in there. Watching TV and not caring if it wakes him up. I've been bitching at him for 4 solid years about how his blankets and air soft guns and books and crap do not belong in the living room. I've even gone through and thrown a bunch of his crap away when he's gone back to his moms and left a mess here. He rarely even asks where any of it went.
Same goes for "his" spot at the dining room table. Right now, there are two soda cans (one empty), a partially consumed can of Tang, a partially consumed glass of milk, a slice of last night's pizza, and a jar of jelly beans. I've never seen anything like it. I don't understand why he doesn't get sick. Because he will, eventually, consume all of it.
He doesn't bathe unless we force him. Even when we tell him, you have to tell him over and over until there's a fight about it. I've bought him half a dozen different types of deodorant, which he refuses to use. I don't think he ever brushes his teeth. When we try to suggest girls don't want to be near a guy who stinks, he says anyone who likes him should like him for who he is.
He doesn't understand "what's the big deal" about having a reasonably tidy house. Says his mom never cleans, because it just gets dirty again. Apparently she even has a cute saying about loving the people around you in a dirty house, being better than ignoring them while you clean. I shudder to think what that house must look like.
And here's the thing: of the three Skids, he's the nicest one, the most well adjusted, normal one. But I shouldn't have to choose between being his maid and living in a pigsty. We've tried telling him he can't go wherever until he picks up, taking away electronics until he picks up, and nagging nagging nagging him. Nothing works.
And before anyone asks, yes my husband agrees with me and no, SS15 doesn't listen to him, either.
How do we get this kid to pick up after himself and maybe take a whack at some basic personal hygiene?
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Comments
There seems to be a lack of
There seems to be a lack of respect from your SS15. I think that 1st needs to be established. It's your house, your rules.. so establish clear do's and don't. You'll get push back but remember your objective is to be his parent and not his friend.
My SS9 has to reminded of what's tolerated at our house vs BM on a regular. He doesn't like it and puts on sad faces when things don't go his way but oh well. I think it's harder for my DH than for me because SS9 always wants to "call his mom" so she can "save" him. It's more challenging now because BM is in CA, and we're in GA so BM can't save him as quickly.
Regarding hygiene for a teenager.. you and DH were right to tell him about how girls will not want to deal with that. SS15 clearly thinks ge knows more than you lol.. so life will have to teach that lesson.
Just be firm and encourage DH to do the same.
Gross!
It sounds like you and your DH are on the same page and even started some good things. Now you need to follow through.
No soda, Tang or anything other than water when he is over. He also gets one cup, even if it means you pack the rest away while he visits.
The couch must reek of stale teen scent. I'd be tempted to put it in storage or toss it. No getting another until he is over the stink phase.
No special chairs. Get him a cheap bean bad chair and that's it for him. Everything left out at the end of the night is gone. Guns, food, video games. Bagged and disposed of or hidden depending on the value. But he loses them and does not get them back the next visit until he gets his head out of his behind.
When he complains he's bored? Tell him to get cleaning to earn things back.
Give him one plate and set of utensils that he uses and cleans or not.
If he is refusing to act like a civilized person, then you have a right to protect your things. Furniture is expensive. Exterminators are expensive.
You don't need this little feral idiot's nonsense.
Good
We've tried getting rid of soda and Tang, etc. We did it for health reasons, because he will clearly be fighting his weight his whole life. He just called his mom when we weren't home, and she delivered it to him. She also delivers candy and other crap to him. Apparently she doesn't care if he dies early from a heart attack.
But I really like some of your other suggestions. Thank you.
Honestly, you aren't going to
Honestly, you aren't going to change this kid's behavior in the long run. Work on getting him back to his room to sleep and who cares about his hygiene. He can have natural consequences for that. The idea that he "doesn't listen" to DH is your real problem, how does that happen with no consequences?
My SS was not neat but he kept common areas clean and if he didn't, I'd ask him to take his stuff back to his room and he'd do so because he was afraid of DH's consequences. Then I just ignored his room and closed the door.
Your real problem here is your DH's weak parenting. Why is the kid still being allowed to do this? Has he lost his phone, his internet and everything junk-food related? Has all of his stuff that he leaves in the living room been taken away? Has DH woken him up at 3 am and ordered him into his room?
Your DH needs to stop talking and start parenting.
ETA: Today I learned Tang comes in cans.