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Is it me or them? Stay or time to go?

Clones123's picture

Sorry for the long post. If I'm going to ask for advice you might as well have all the details.

I met my current wife online and it seemed like a perfect match – we agreed on almost everything; views, ideals, goals, politics, religion, etc. She’s one of the smartest people I’ve ever met and just a lovely person with lots of great (if often unusual) friends. The only serious mis-match is that I’ve always had a solid-gold credit score while she’s terrible at managing money and her credit score reflects that. Also, I love riding a mountain bike and doing outdoor things with my two sons 12 and 7 while she much prefers to be indoors (she’s allergic to plants, pollen, and most insect bites). I enjoy being with her any time; in or out of the bedroom, in or out of the house anywhere doing almost anything. Really a terrific person. Our house is always beautifully decorated - and redecorated every couple of months - with a warm, family feeling though she has a LOT of stuff (neatly organized into stacks and stacks of bins in the garage). Having been divorced not too long before, I moved into her place shortly after we met and then we got married a year later with an expensive wedding and honeymoon that was somewhat beyond our means. How could anything go wrong?

My oldest son, age 12, is quiet and a little reserved. He’s pretty mature for his age and very responsible but he can be passively defiant at times and he picks on his little brother more than I’d like. He’s terrific at match and a great athlete – baseball, basketball, soccer. This Spring I watched him take a 65-mph fast-ball into the kidney. He just dropped his bat and then trotted to first base with barely a grunt! My youngest, age 7, tries very hard. Tries hard at the same sports as his brother - baseball, basketball, soccer – and tries hard to be my little helper on any project I have. Yes, he often whines too much and he annoys the crap out of his brother when he’s bored. I haven’t been nearly the father that either of them deserves and all their failings and character defects are traceable mostly to me (and a little to my therapist ex-wife who is too easy on them with chores around the house). I love my kids and I love having them with me every weekend and as often as I can see them in between. That imposes somewhat on my wife and her kids but I don’t think I’m TOO far out of line with just that.

Then there are her kids – daughter 13 and son 8. Their father died nearly five years ago from cancer and so they’ve been raised by a single female and it clearly shows. Nobody can ride a bike, throw a football, or catch a baseball. Can NOT play any team sports because playing in a group would be too stressful for them. Step-daughter has a variety of emotional, social and hygiene problems along with a weight problem. She does well enough in school – don’t know how – but mostly she eschews the real world in favor of children’s fantasy stories (movies and books), drawing, and writing stories. She’s lazy, avoidant, a slob and her facial expressions and body language are often shockingly awkward. She’s still working on learning to tie her shoes at age 13. Did she wash her hair, put on deodorant, remember to put on a maxi-pad and pack spares, put on a bra that fits, wearing clean underwear today? Wife has to check her every single day and correct problems.

Step-son is smart and good-looking with a terrific vocabulary but rapidly cycles between being anxious and needy or arrogant and belligerent. The kid has zero impulse control – always touching and fidgeting or singing and making noises. I cringe to see my wife step on him HARD over and over and over again about the same stuff. He’s sneaky (likes to creep up and eavesdrop on adult conversations), frequently lies and has a sharp temper. I loathe taking him anywhere without his mother because of the tantrums he’s thrown when she’s not around. He’s a shrewd con-artist; expert at battling wits with his mother who is usually not a push-over but sometimes gives in because fighting everything is just too tiring. And whereas his sister will eat the house if you let her, this guy only likes chocolate milk, noodles and sweets. Meal times at home are often battles interrupted by anxious visits to the bathroom for unexplained reasons. Both kids are hypochondriacs who can become ill or injured on a second’s notice if they want to avoid something (like going to school or helping carry groceries). Having collections of stuffed animals, old toys, old baby blankets, and mother’s comforting presence nearby are required to keep anxious feelings under control (independent of their behavior which is all over the place regardless).

My wife alternates between defending how normal and typical her kids are OR how specially challenged and unique they each are. How can they be both? Either way, she wants them to have room to be their real selves and not be stuffed into a box with a label. That all sounds nice but I’m at the end of my rope, running out of patience and tolerance for all the cuteness, childishness, laziness and irresponsibility I see every day. I used to be very angry at both kids just for being so…weird and screwed up all the time plus making their mother work so hard. After a lot of arguing with my wife, I’m finally seeing that they’re not really BAD kids per se. It seems that they’re just not getting the right help and it’s her fault for spoiling them for years. They’ve been allowed to be lazy and emotionally crippled and it’s giving me second thoughts about the person I married.

For instance; monitoring SD’s eating because she has “sensory processing problems” is NOT a solution. This girl LOVES to pig out on food; extra grease, extra bacon, extra cheese and can she have the leftovers anyone else doesn’t eat? WTF? She needs to hear – not just to be told but to REALLY hear – that she has VERY unhealthy habits. Way too much bad food and virtually zero exercise. Can’t sit in a skirt anywhere without inadvertently showing everyone her hairy crotch? Then MAKE her wear pants, even if she says pants are uncomfortable and make her feel anxious and like knives are stabbing her (WTF?). Fix this crap or else she’ll be condemned to a life as a fat, clumsy, odd-ball who can’t think straight, travel on her own or drive a car. “Cat lady” in the making it seems to me.

Meanwhile, SS’s favorite word is “Sorry!” Yes, everything is an accident when you’re never paying attention. Every time the cereal package explodes or cookies fall all over the floor or there’s 8oz of syrup on a waffle, it’s the fault of the packaging. Wife yelling at SS all the time for his rudeness or impulsive behavior is NOT a solution. I don’t care how many experts say this kid isn’t hyper-active with attention deficit (ADHD) – he IS! Let’s identify his problem and get him onboard to work with us on managing his symptoms. But no, both kids are “basically fine” and wife sees no need to “pathologize” them.

So, we’ve talked and talked, argued over and over, read books, been to couple’s counseling and, given that each of us is entrenched in our respective positions, the conclusion is that we made a mistake getting married. I can't replace her late-husband as the idealized father for two high-maintenance children. I can't easily and naturally subsume myself to every habit, tradition and ritual my wife created before I existed in her life. Having everything be cute and sweet and fuzzy for 5-year olds all the time (her children aren’t five any more!) has me to the point that I want to gag sometimes. Can the stuffed animals please NOT come into the restaurant with us? Why does it make a difference to me? Erm, because it’s sickening and I’m embarrassed?

I’m here seeking a reality check before I pull the plug and move out. What do you folks think? Am I an intolerant a-hole who needs to just accept that kids can be different? Or is this marriage destined to be disappointment and frustration for the next 10-15 years (until her kids move out, assuming they ever do). I’m desperate for advice and our counselor – perhaps properly – doesn’t have much of an opinion except to encourage positive steps. Help! If you think I'm being over-sensitive or overbearing, say so. What would YOU do?

Sweet T's picture

What I don't get is why a parent doesn't want the best for their children. By best I don't mean clothes, toys, electronic but for them to be the best in what they do. To give them the skills to be good productive people. I don't get the poor hygeine thing. I have always struggled with my weight, BUT I no matter whether I have been thin or heavy have been neat and clean and dressed nice. As a mother I want my son to be a good person, have social skills and be self sufficient. I don't think you are an a hole, what does the therapist think about the things you have shared with us. Have these kids seen a therapist to cope with their fathers death?

LilyVonSchtupp's picture

First of all, how can your SS be my SS at the same time?? You expertly described several of the behaviors I endure with my own SS12. Let me reassure you, you are not an a**hole. You are a man doing what he can to make his marriage and family work. You are not responsible for the fact that your wife undercuts you at every turn and enables her childrens' bad behavior. I could almost be in your marriage, I have the most amazing husband with whom I agree on everything--except that there is something wrong with his kid and it needs to be fixed. Not for my sake or DH's sake, but for the child's. And yet, nothing is happening. I have been physically ill the past two days from the stress of being caught between wanting to help a child yet being the bad guy to DH because I see problems. The advice I've been given and see often here is to disengage. And I'm wondering if it is truly the solution. It means no longer taking responsibility for the misbehavior/issues of the skids and basically setting boundaries. Don't want the stuffed animals at the restaurant? Make it clear that if Pooh Bear or whatever is going, you are not. Her choice. Don't be the fall guy, let her make her own decisions. Kids are nasty? Oh well. Make sure yours are fresh, clean, and well dressed. Personally, I don't know how I'm going to implement this in my own home because, well, I'm a woman and a wife and I feel a desperate need to help my SS12 and I don't want to hurt my DH's feelings. But damn, I also don't want a nervous breakdown, ulcers, PTSD, and a medicine cabinet full of meds just to share the same house. I've gotten to the point that when I hear SS's voice or see him walk in the door, I want to melt through the floor and not come back until he's gone back to school. And I HATE feeling this way and am powerless to stop.

I don't know if your marriage can be saved. I do know that I personally will find a way to survive because I love my husband too much to let my feelings about this child destroy us. If I have to eat sh*t and grin, well, I will. Because my DH does try, he is not deliberately overlooking or aiding and abetting the skids behavior. He's just kinda clueless. I read a perfect analogy just today as I've studied stepparenting and disengaging. It basically said walk down the street, take a woman by the hand, and fall instantly in love. The point being, of course, that while we picked the spouse, we didn't have a choice in the children and how silly is it to just get handed a kid or two and be expected to deeply bond and love them? It would be great if a step "clicks" with the skids and it's all one big happy family. But then we wouldn't be on this site, would we? And you are right, your skids are not "bad" kids. I love my SS and am willing to devote many hours, my attention, and my heart into helping him but I cannot when his father undercuts me and tacitly (by ignoring the behavior) gives him the right to treat me like crap. So, like you, I'm stuck in the middle between the spouse I love and the skid I'm not being allowed to help. And you know what's the worst? The skid will suffer the most and that breaks my heart. But the result will be the same whether I end up in the psych ward or not. So I choose not!

No one can tell you to stay or go. No one really knows your situation like you do. But we can all say we understand how you feel. Our whole culture seems to have turned to child worship and then, if you don't like your skids, you are a monster. Give me a break. You are never allowed to harm a child but neither are you required to like much less love them. Can you deal with this? Can you disengage and love the mother while despising her children and the way she raises them? Only you know. But I hope it helps to know you are not alone and you are not a monster. You are a good man trying to find a way to reconcile a true love/hate relationship.

I'm still trying to wrap my head around treating the bio kids and SS differently. It goes against everything I believe in. I desperately want to raise my SS to be the best he can. But my DH already thinks I treat him differently, that I'm too hard on him, that looking me in the eye and deliberately doing what I just told him not to is no big deal and that maybe I shouldn't be so upset when SS just flat ignores me or is disrespectful and insolent. WTH? The point being that if I'm already the evil stepmom...why not save myself the nausea, headaches, fluttering heart and other stress symptoms by just letting it all go? There is no great answer. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I applaud your post and efforts to find a solution. I hope that it works out for you and your marriage.

Lily

lillfiredog's picture

I don't think you are an a-hole at all. Do what your heart tells you to do.

Unfreakingreal's picture

I am sorry but I am having the most insane visuals of the fat, stinky SD's crotch hair. That was just too freaking funny.
Now on to your question...I guess it all depends on whether or not you think the love for your wife can endure all the baggage. I'd be really curious to know why your wife is OK with her kids being so unhealthy and having such poor diets. I got nothing dude. Sorry, but WELCOME and vent away!

loveandfitness's picture

As far as being a little different that your DW as far as indoor and outdoor, I don't think that is a big deal at all... he children however are an entirely different story. You fell in love with her, not her children.
I'd have to agree with wickedsm and say try a few things for while. Should nothing positive come of it maybe it is time to re-evaluate the relationship as a whole. Is it a healthy partnership for all involved including kids, how much time do you really want to spend either teaching your skids to grow up, or if deciding to disengage time spent being embarrassed of them? How are your bkids taking it? All the ins and outs.
Maybe you need to get out the legal pad and do the pros/cons comparisons as it will give you a visual tally.
When deciding to stay or go, neither decision will be an easy one to carry out.
I hope you find the information you need.
Good Luck!

Meh's picture

I have a kid 14 who has high functioning autism. Some of what you describe (sad smile at the "shocking awkwardness" with the SD) sounds similar to what he deals with. He's a great kid, well liked at school and doing well in mainstream etc but it's always going to be a fair bit harder for him in life than your average kid. I wonder if your SK's have been checked for this...it's especially hard to pick out a diagnosis for girls btw, they often have just enough social skills to slide through life without one. Have a read through diagnostic criteria and see if it may pertain? Some of the strategies used with high functioning autistic kids may suit these two even if they're not on the spectrum. Not being able to tie your shoes at 13 speaks volumes to me (tho my kid got it at about 11...smart as a whip that kid but his motor skills both gross and small are still behind where they should be).

Jerseymommy's picture

Oh yeah. My SS13 is a bit on the spectrum, can't tie shoes, want to bring stuffed animals everywhere if we let him, but we always remind him that he is not a baby. He as well torturing me with many disgusting stuffs. I have to see him every other weekend. If he would move to us full time, I would leave the house. That could make my life unenjoyable with my husband.
Is like you have a bowl of soup front of you with a fly in it. I lost my appetite from that fly, even if the soup is delicious.

Stupidlyoptimistic's picture

A couple of things came to mind while reading the description of behaviors in your skids. The SD could have an undiagnosed anxiety disorder or some form of autism, as others suggested. I first thought of anxiety because of the clothing issue. I can tell you as someone who comes from a long line of family with anxiety issues, this is a huge red flag. My mom and I both have been known to cut bras that feel too tight and shirts with built in bras that felt waaay too tight. It feels like you can't breathe. Same thing with pants, though we do wear them, they constantly feel uncomfortable, no matter how well they fit. My mom is now on anti-anxiety meds, and she can tell a world of difference. I am considering biting the bullet and seeking medical intervention now, though I hate taking meds. I don't even take cold meds.

The other thing that came to mind is that some of these behaviors sound like a coping mechanism. They saw their father die of cancer, and they probably have not fully dealt with that. Honestly, they probably don't have the capacity to deal with that without some form of counseling. I would suggest to your DW that they probably need counseling to deal with the loss of their father. Most schools have counselors on staff who could deal with this. I also think that she has tried to compensate for their loss by babying them. I think it is probably normal, but not helpful.

As for your question about how to deal with this in your marriage, I think the other posters had some great advice. Also, you are not a bad person for feeling this way. Quite the opposite. It sounds like you are very concerned for the wellbeing of your skids. That makes you a great person!

Clones123's picture

Thanks to everyone for your feedback and advice in this thread. Both of my step-children have had lots of counseling and behavioral testing.

My wife and I have talked and talked, trying to distill our issues down to see what really matters and what doesn't, what can be fixed and what can't. With the kids off to school today, my wife and I had a nice breakfast with coffee and pastries and we calmly distilled our differences down to this breaking point (not that there aren't others but one deal-breaker is all that is required):

Her 8-year old son is handsome and extremely bright with a huge vocabularly. Unfortunately, he's also sometimes arrogant, rude, condescending, entitled, anxious, bad-tempered or some combination of those. After several past incidents that I've had when alone with him, we're both wary of my taking him anywhere without his mother to keep him in check. I asked her, "So you're still worried that X will have another freak-out about a bug or something and I won't handle it?"

"Yes," she said, "You need to be able to validate his feelings, reassure him, and give him a chance to calm down."

"We've discussed his irrational freak-outs with him over and over. Yeah, if and when he flips out again I'm gonna tell him 'Get in the goddamned car, let's go'."

"And that's where our relationship breaks down. Right there." I agreed with her, kissed and hugged her, and left for work.

An anxious kid who freaks out a couple of times a year? Sure, things happen, kids are kids. Even anxious and whiney would be very different from anxious and arrogant. The very LAST time I was the only adult in a car with my step-son (taking him and my 7-year old to the pool), he had THREE freakouts in 15-minutes - shouting, arguing and finally screaming at me in public before I grabbed him and stopped him in his tracks. And STILL we're not sure when that might happen again? If it were my kid, I'd be making it VERY clear that that will NEVER happen again. And I also wouldn't be chastising the adult in that situation for not having worked harder to calm my kid down during the short drive to take him somewhere fun. Growing up, I frequently addressed my father as "sir". I don't expect that now myself but neither do I expect a young child to be barking demands at me.

Bottom line; I'm not willing to let an 8-year old demand that I give him another 15-minute therapy session every time he gets cranky or alarmed about some trivial thing. He simply has WAY too much power to control (and thus disregard) family members. Him controlling OTHER people I could try to ignore. An 8-year old controlling ME to that degree I will not tolerate, not even for the sake of my marriage. Even if I did, we're then onto resolving the next, similar break-point.

After a lot of debate, negotiation, and even professional couseling, it looks like I'll be living in my own place by January. It's very sad for both my wife and I but we can't work out a way for us to be together despite loving each other very much. As Cornelius Ryan wrote; it was "a bridge too far."

Pilgrim Soul's picture

I was thinking the same thing. High-functioning autism spectrum disorder. The son must have some undiagnosed issues, one other candidate is Developmental Coordination Disorder. The clumsiness in both kids may have deeper roots than just being raised by a single mother after their father's death. Doing sports can help with being badly coordinated - to a degree; if not team sports, then swimming, tennis, golf.

Have both skids been seen by a child psychiatrist? I would try getting them a psychiatric evaluation, and if the doctor recommends it, medicating either the boy, or both for anxiety. The change in everyone's quality of life could be huge.

I can also say that it is so much easier to forgive your own kids their faults, large or small. Your bias is palpable, and natural. "My kids have a few faults, but are great kids, the kids who are not mine, have a few redeeming qualities, but are bad kids overall." We all have an easier time seeing the good in our children, and the bad in children we are not related to. The irritation that our kids cause is mitigated by the warm glow of our parental attachment to them, and we are surprised when others do not share that same slant. I saw this in my husband, who gets along well with my two sons, but when they annoy both of us, he takes a more negative view of things.

So some of what you are going through is just typical of a step-family, it is generic, not specific to you. The irritants vary but they are present in so many scenarios. If the adults in question cannot approach them as a team and be on the same page, problems begin. You and your wife cannot magically get a personality makeover and suddenly assume the other's approach to parenting, but if you could meet in the middle, it would be great. Say you are a 10, and she is a 1 when it comes to tough love. If you could relax your standards a little and be a 7, and she could work up to being a 5, you would be in a better shape.