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Our minor kids vs his adult/teen kids

shamds's picture

Hi all, new member here just after some advice from you all.

Been married to my husband for 4 yrs and met him just over a year prior so been together 5 years. Before i met him it had been a year almost that exwife ran off with their 2 daughters then aged 17 and almost 8 and cut off all contact and 6 yrs later (3 months ago) has eldest daughter now 22 send a message to dad claiming exwife had epiphany that they both moved on have new spouses and kids and so wants to make amends.

I have the past 4 yrs being married to hubby been a stay at home mum to our 31 & 16 month old daughter and son and hubbys 20yr old son from ex has ignored us, not acknowledged us and even bragged how its a womans job to parent and do housework. He sits in his room sleeping and playing computer games all day and night when home as he’s at uni and comes home during holidays and every few weekends.

My 2 kids are terrified of him, he’s a stranger and they cry hysterically the moment he comes out of his room but hubby forces the kids bu bringing them to his son which they cry. I have told hubby they aren’t siblings as there is no connection

When eldest daughter messaged hubby she claimed their mum said dad did voodoo crap to cause harm to her and it was her duty to protect the kids (absolute bullsh*t) and the same daughter admitted their mum lied about so many things and even claimed i was a half naked prostitute their dad married and she had a duty to protect the kids and they admitted there were inconsistencies and they saw pics of me and my kids via a cousins facebook post and started questioning mum so now it seems shes in damage control still playing the victim and using the kids to guilt hubby.

Hubby has paid 3 times the required amount in court order which is now invalid of child support without fail and on time and this little shit of a daughter had the nerve and disrespect to lecture her dad on his child support responsibility to continue paying to her and her mum as they both cover expenses for her younger sister despite the fact hubby bought a home for them to live rent free, despite the fact ex wife stole $800,000 from hubby and secretly accessed a personal savings account and took another $250,000. Her father and brother harassed hubby during divorce and even her dad an ex policeman threatened with her brother to stab and shoot hubby dead if he didn’t pay her more

Courts agreed to pay exwife lumpsum of $30,000 and 50% of proceeds from sale of the house minus purchase price..

It seems ex wife and his daughters expected hubby to stay in limbo and they could come back years later like nothing had happened and they need to preserve their financial future. They live in asia where cost of living is so tiny, hubby wants our kids to school in australia where i’m from and cost of living is way more but manageable.

My concern is he’s paying $1500 a month to both adults and 1000 to exwife for minor daughter, they don’t even cook, and any takeout costs is so tiny compared to say our grocery bills where i cook so really they have enough money to survive on and save.

I’m actually worried nothing has gone into savings or a will drawn up that if hubby dies while some of his kids are a minor that they recieve extra money or money currently goes into savings for them. He could die tomorrow and everyone gets an equal amount but he has 2 adult kids that can get a job and haveability to be financially independent but choose not to because they know daddy spoils them, pampers them and they can freeload off hubby

I have asked when will he stop giving them an allowance and he said after they graduate uni and get their graduate job for a year just to help them out. I’m concerned by that point they will guilt him into abandoning them and hubby will give in.

Hubby plans weekend catchups with the daughters and son wothout consulting me he’s planning it for this day or weekend, he expects we just make ourselves available to attend and its so inconvenient because both my kids get sick minutes into a car ride and we have to drive about 40mins away to pick up hubbys son from uni then drive another 10 mins to pick his daughters from train station then drive to whatever shopping mall 20 mins away so we could leave home at 11am and be home at 8-9pm. All this and the kids don’t talk to me, i’m left out of conversations, they don’t really have one on one time with my kids (their half siblings).

I told hubby no me and kids aren’t going anymore because exwife demanded i be present for all meetups but after 3 meet ups i said to myself why am i being inconvenienced when these grown ups with no responsibility can drive or catch public transport to said location but expect daddy to pick them up along the way except its not along the way as in hubby’s mind, we have to pick up lazy people. If the girls say they want a relationship with our 2 kids why do they not ask about them? Why do they not video call? Why is hubby the one initiating messaging them every few days for contact? Why do they not make the effort to drive to our home 1hr away when they can spend the same time to go to airport to drop their mum off or pick her up no problems? Why is it their mum can say they can’t come to our home and they follow that? If they accept what mum says then relationship with our kids isn’t important.

Ex wife is a psycho and mentally, emotionally verbally abused hubby. She even after sex would run to the toilet to wash her vagina out to prevent getting pregnant, when she got pregnant 2 months into marriage she went to hospital one day (asked hubby to drop het off in the morning on the way to work) and claimed it was a routine checkup and then hubby comes home from work and she says “oh yeah i apparently miscarried and they had to do a d&c” which made hubby suspect she requested an abortion or sabotaged the pregnancy because you would and should have called your hubby that day.

The daughters know they have a horrible mum who lies and manipulates but still accepts all her bullshit and drops everything at a moment for her but we’re expected to accomodate her

I feel i should be telling hubby in future i’m not attending these meetups which i said a few days ago and i’m sure hubby thinks he can convince me to go but nope not anymore. After a few occurences of me not going to these meetups hubby will know i’m not ok with the situation but i’m not sure if i should then at that point when hubby brings it up that i say i don’t feel like hubby has secured our kids future and protected us enough because i will have a vindictive ex wife and 3 stepkids against me and our 2 and be in a position to not financially support our kids

Ex wife remarried the moment divorce was finalised and her new husband controls the girls curfew and who they can or can’t see, he’s banned them seeing their bio dad, they’re mum waited for kids to go to school one day and then went to local town hall to get married and waited till kids came home and told them she got married and they have a new dad

At times i know the whole situation is so messed up and these kids have been traumatised but at the same time they’re pampered ungrateful ignorant self absorbed lazy people. They act like they need hubby to survive but they have money to waste on useless things...

I just hate this situation. I want to tell hubby i’m not respected by him because he makes plans concerning our lives to meet his girls without consulting me but expects me to be present meeting his girls. End of November he wants to plan a family trip with his son and girls, early november is our anniversary and i asked where we could go and hubby said nowhere because too busy with work and even for my birthday end of december but now he’s free end of november and i should plan some trip somewhere with the kids where we’ll be ignored, where will have to drive and pick them up with our extremely car sick kids where guaranteed i will be puked on, yup just the relaxing trip i want. I actually just want to tell hubby i don’t wanna go on a trip with his kids because we’re ignored as usual, its so awkward and uncomfortable and he can go on a trip with his kids from ex and play happy family, i just wanna go home overseas and stay with my dad...

Please fellow members, how do you deal with this? Hubby is not objective about the situation because he’s too emotionally controlled by these kids. Ex is still using her kids to control hubby for free finances but forgets there are 2 little kids of ours and his youngest with ex that are not financially independent that hubby only has a duty to care for but hubby thinks since he hs a good paying job and financially well off that its his duty to pamper his kids. Meanwhile our 2 little kids don’t get pampered anywhere close to his with ex because i’m a very simple person and want them to be raised up understanding that they work hard to get what they want in life and not freeload off others

shamds's picture

eldest daughter when messaging to hubby its clearly seen that her mum is starting to have a troubled marriage and when that happens and she knows divorce is inevitable, she’s well in advance ready to protect herself and finances and why should she work and struggle to support herself when she has a loaded ex husband she can use their 3 kids to guilt him into more money when any child support should be solely for the kids.

She’s not happy hubby has moved on with a new wife and kids and despite all these issues, we can usually communicate but at times it does feel hubby picks kids from ex over me and our kids because he feels so guilty divorcing their mum.

Hubby does want to relocate overseas and has told eldest daughter when he retires early he will no longer continue paying money to them, he will pay for the youngest child if still a minor which she’ll be for another 7 yrs but i suspect with the way they’ve behaved, they’ll chuck a hissy fit how daddy abandoned them and their mum will again use kids against their dad

Rags's picture

So, why do you remain in this toxic mess with this shallow and polluted gene pool?  The adult kids are likely no longer covered under a CO for CS and support. You need to get your own children on CS from your DH just to protect their support until they transition to adulthood.   I would file for separation, emergency custody and nail him with CS just to prevent him from sending at least that money to his former family and adult children.

I am sure some our our legal folks on STalk could comment on how to make that happen or if it is even possible.  I am not a lawyer.

You are going to have to figure out how to prected your children from your DH's toxic elder children.

shamds's picture

Exwife remarried but they never went to court. Hubby was traumatised enough dealing with it 1st time he just wanted to avoid ex at all costs. I’m getting to a point where i want hubby creating an individual account for our kids not in his name where kids from ex or exwife can lay claim to if he dies for example.

Hubby pays cs out of guilt and because in his mind because he has a good paying job, he wants them to have an easy life except thats not being provided for our 2 little kids, he just assumes when they’re older, he’ll do the same thing giving an allowance

He just asked me to go for next meet up with his kids this weekend, offered to put us in hotel for convenience so he could pick up his kids an hour drive away plus another hour to get back because they’re lazy shits wasting my and our kids time. They so called want a relationship but never message their dad asking about us, its total bullshit they’re dad is blinded to it.

Hubby thinking paying them money so they have an easy life and can focus on studies and be financially independent is backfiring because they don’t have jobs, they wanna study but don’t have the mindset and motivation to get jobs because daddy pays for everything and as toxic as his kids are and exwife i love him but at times as usual for stepparents we feel like 2nd class citizens or doormats compared to their kids and exwife.

i just lost my mood lately and feel very down and stressed about it. I don’t think hubby sees he’s being at all unfair but i just feel like saying to him if exwife can use your kids to guilt you for money then i’ll do the same because i shouldn’t be afraid that we wont have enough financial support like each of those kids get currently and when you die... then for sure he’ll bring the sob story how hurt and upset he is but everything isn’t always about him, his exwife and their kids, they fail to acknowledge and see others in the picture and i continually lose respect for these kids, exwife as they’re out purely to secure their financial future.

A few months ago we had a fight, i felt there were double standards, hubbys priorities were in the wrong place and hubby wasn’t willing to change home situation and if he wasn’t going to change then i’d be out the door with the kids because this is such a toxic life but hubby says he’s in a bad place but stepson can’t give a shit what his dad has been dealing with all along.

divorcing or seperating from him is easier said than done, our kids adore him despite the circumstances we’rein (they’re still too little to understand). I keep telling myself we’ll just hold on a bit longer because once we move overseas in a year or two’s time, they won’t have much control or influence over hubby anymore

So this weekend when he goes to meet his kids and message me when out asking if i want anything i’ll just tell him he can waste money buying his kids attention and secure their financial future while me and our 2 kids are tossed to the side as a doormat while his kids play the guilt game that they need money to support the minor 13 yr old sister with no concern or shame we have 2 babies at home receive no financial savings whatsoever. We’ll see where that takes things first

Rags's picture

I hope that you and DH can find workable ground that cuts off the adult Skids. 

Though not a Skid thing we are the black sheep of my IL clan because we actually have notable investments for our retirement and are growing more.  I have bout 10 more years to work before I want to retire.  My preference would be for my bride (12yrs younger) to retire with me.   The IL clan all flush money down the toilet bailing each other out of yet another foreclosure, eviction, repossession tragedy.  We have refused to flush our good money after their bad.  That makes us bad people from the perspective of most in my IL clan.   We have offered to help repeatedly but under very strict and structured circumstances.  They refuse our terms so we don't help.  This of course starts the "but my kids are hungry" tear fest guilt train.   We then point out the recent $hundreds spent on tattoos and give the clear message that if they gave a crap about their kids eating they wouldn't be sporting new art work. Then starts the "but our artist lets us make payments!", blah, blah, blah.

At some point parents need to prioritize the needs of their significantly younger kids over the needs of adult kids and their own needs and retirement preparations over failure to launch kids and useless extended family.

For some cultures this is a difficult concept to grasp.  And while it can be for some in our culture at some point pure math dictates the actions required.  Time for DH to do the math.

shamds's picture

Is asian so in their culture the poor family members have an expectation that the rich ones support them and they live off of them. Doesn’t occur that the rich one earned all that money and savings/investments from pure hard work, sacrifices etc and making smart choices while they took it easy.

Thats why hubby thinks yeah i’m comfortably rich so i’ll spoil my kids meanwhile his taxi driver brother who isn’t well off has all his bio and stepkids getting jobs when they finish highschool to earn money.

It’s seriously sad that to make hubby open his eyes i need to be nasty and stoop to his exwife and kids from hers level but i know if i asked hubby the money you have continued to pay now is not gonna be the same he will pay to kids when he’s retired which means ours are treated unfairly without him realising it.

He needs to understand its irrelevant the adults are at uni, if they want money they apply for uni scholarships or get a job, dads priority is to pay for his minor children who can’t get a job and if any of the adult siblings play the sob story “oh but me and mum are covering all expenses for our little sister” hubby should be saying what expenses? Home is paid off, show me what isn’t enough and where your money is being spent. They have nice shoes, nice clothes and handbags, eldest daughter brand new samsung galaxy phone.

They talk about their little sister but hubby has 2 even younger kids not getting a cent in savings or allowances and thats not fair. I know this conversation won’t go down well but it needs to be done. Its not fair if our kids will be expected to work in high school even casual jobs while his freeload, our kids will ask daddy that it isn’t fair

shamds's picture

child, his from exwife to raise till finish highschool will be 6.57 times less than mine to send to school where i’m from. But there is no savings/allowances or will for them so i sent these figures to hubby to see his response first, why is it his kids are prioritised over ours? Mind boggling and it makes me so angry. So if he comes back asking why i’m like this and he’s upset and hurt i will hit back with well exwife and their kids use the same tactics and get what they want but we aren’t protected

Booboobear's picture

try to stop thinking about what he pays and what he says about BM's vagina, that sounds like torture. Pay tons of attention to your kids and make meaningful moments with them- cook together, talk together, enjoy every experience with your kids, when DH steps out the door, forget about him until he comes back, and then make meaningful moments with your kids and DH-cook together, talk together, enjoy every experience. 

shamds's picture

I spend valuable one on one times daily nurturing and teaching our kids that we still have their future and money is being wasted on these lazy ass adults with no consideration that money should go to our kids.

I really gave it to hubby today and he asked if i would like him to die so these issues would be over and done with? I just said if you die tomorrow i have to handle all above issues and raising 2 babies with no financial assistance because exwife and their kids will be greedy little shits. Made me say some kind of husband and dad he is....

Winterglow's picture

What on EARTH are you talking to your children about this for?! That is totally unhealthy!

Do ou realize that by constantly focussing on these problems you are missing out on a lot of good things? I understand your worries but obsessing over the situation is not going to change anything and you are just going to get more and more bitter. If I were you I'd sign up for couples counselling with your husband ASAP - maybe hearing things from a third party will get him to see the light ... 

 

shamds's picture

My kids are almost 3 & 1.5 yrs old, i’m not discussing these issues with them at all and won’t thats purely between me and hubby. Was meant to say i do spend time nurturing and teaching them things. Its just frustrating dealing with all this and trying to make hubby see things straight... believe me i am not discussing these issues with my kids, they don’t even understand yet as still on baby talk