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My very controversial decision

MissJulsie's picture

I haven't been on here for a while.

I am married to man who has a 12 year old son, and a troublemaking ex-wife. When I met my SO, his son was 6. I have been through ALL the troubles that we all read about here. This includes dealing with the Disneyland dad, who spoils, doesn't discipline, gets defensive, dealing with a step kid who is babyish for his age, is clingy, needy, and isn't learning to function the way a normal child should learn to function in society.... and dealing with an ex-wife who is a jealous, vindictive, trouble-making bitch. I've been through it all and seen it all.

(Also, for those of you who don't know me, I'm the one who stays at her parents house every time SO has his son to stay every other weekend).

However , about two months ago, SO and I were getting ready for our trip to Bali. He had his son the very weekend before we left. And the ex-wife was obviously jealous that we were going on an overseas trip. I reckon she deliberately planted destructive ideas in her son's head. Because on the Saturday night, I was about to sit down to dinner with my parents, and THIS happened:

I got the following text messages from my 12 year-old step-son (who I never see) :

"Fuck you bitch"

"Your a big cow"

"Suck a cock"

"I fucking hate you, you fucking bitch"

And according to my husband, SS had a huge meltdown , and screamed out a huge tirade, saying "I hate you Dad!!!! You put Julia first. You never pay enough child support. It's not good enough that you are not taking me overseas with you"

So.... My response to all that is as follows:

1. My husband does NOT put me first
2. He most certainly DOES pay more than enough child support
3. We never got taken overseas when we were kids, and neither will SS
4. I have sent the ex-wife an email, saying that her son is never welcome to come to our house again.

The end.

MissJulsie's picture

How did my husband respond ? Well immediately after I received those texts, I rang him, demanding to know what the hell was going on. I heard him say to his son, very gently and timidly "That's nasty". But then he said to me "I can't talk to you right now. I've got him to deal with"

Later that night, SS was screaming to be taken back to his mothers', and when she refused to pick him up, he rang his grandfather (my husband's Dad) to come get him. So grandfather came and got him, and took him back to his house. The next day, grandfather and HIS new girlfriend gave SS a gentle talking to, and left it. I wrote the ex-wife a very polite email telling her what happened. Then she texted my husband and said "Julia needs to stop contacting me". My husband then begged me to leave it all until after we got back from Bali.

So we went to Bali for two weeks. When we got back, it was evident that my husband was going to let the whole thing slide. So I lost my temper. I was absolutely furious ! I angrily wrote the ex-wife an email saying "Ok Sally. I'll stay away from you, as long as you keep your child away from my house, as he's never welcome there again!". Then I didn't speak to my husband for a week, and slept in the spare room.

During that time, the ex-wife texted my husband asking him if there really was a ban. He replied with "unfortunately it's true. What jack did was disgusting and unforgivable. I must be fair to my relationship too. I will have to have our father/son weekends at grandfather's house".

And she texted back with "You're a disgraceful father".

My husband reckons that that the next time he saw SS, he gave him a gentle taking to. But as far as I'm concerned, it's not enough. There needs to be a consequence. ....... Which is why I'm inflicting this ban.

However, even though my husband seemingly agreed to the ban at first, and even though he can still spend time with SS at his father's house, he is now starting to complain about the ban.

As for me? I'm stronger than ever in my conviction that the ban is the right decision. If my husband isn't man enough to stand up for me, to his ex and to his child , then I have to stand up for myself .

MollyBrown's picture

You should have listened to the posters who told you not to get married. Your marriage will end in divorce or you both with end up hating and resenting each other.

surfchica's picture

Ms Julsie got married like so many of us....with hopes and dreams and visions of better days with the ones that we love. We went into it with open hearts, ready to give and receive. Perhaps we didn't know what we were really getting into, perhaps we did and pushed it aside, perhaps we were naive, had weak boundaries or were out and out idiots. It does not matter now and it didn't matter then as wild horses couldn't stop me from marrying the person of my dreams ( who turned into my worst nightmare). What is done, is done. Now it is about moving forward and making choices about the rest of our lives.
This SS is sick. Probably anger issues, worse mentally unstable. At least the husband agreed with the wife to ban him from the house. Perhaps time will pass and he will be allowed back in. For now, it is a good idea as the young man sounds very hostile and very vile.
Who cares what the ex-wife thinks? They always tend to throw a monkey wrench into things anyway. And she does not pay this woman's bills.
Most of these stories on here do not end up well. Actually divorce is sometimes a Godsend to free us from constant turmoil and certain waste of our own lives; nevertheless, none of us planned to have a miserable life with SKIDS, at least I don't think so. I sure as hell didn't.
And yes, I too am looking down the barrel of divorce. Hopes and dreams dashed but it is better than a life of servitude and being put second or third or completely disregarded except for my monthly paycheck.

oneoffour's picture

Oh dear. Time for that cell phone to get hammered into the concrete with SS watching. Then tell him this is what happens to rude foul mouthed little boys. And to coin a phrase from Mafia movies "That mouth you would use cursing me is the same mouth you use to kiss your mother. NICE!"

This may break your marriage up. But stand your ground. OK me being me would have texted "Well thanks for the nice words. I was thinking of getting your Dad to spring for another ticket for you. But all bets are off. Sorry kid. You just screwed yourself." Little brat.

Rags's picture

As infuriating as this is ... the one thing you should never do is put a rant response to the blended family opposition in writing. Sending anything reactionary to the XW in writing was THE wrong move. Your message to BM gives her written proof to use in court against you.
Rather than tell BM that the spawn will never be allowed in your home again a more measured, powerful, and effective response would be to put the facts of the situation together including documentation, numbers, CO, etc... and have DH sit down fact to face with the ranting spawn and give the little shit the facts.

1. Over the years this is the amount of CS I have provided for your support and the support of your siblings. $xx, xxx, xx. Use the largest accurate number you can. Don’t give the kid a monthly amount. Give the kid the total accrued CS to date and then add the fact that by the time CS ends the total will be $xxx,xxx.xx or more.
2. Tell the spawn he has refused visitation for XXXX days since the CO was ordered.
3. Print out the texts the spawn sends, record his rants on your phone both video and audio and have DH review every letter and microsecond of toxic spawn behavior with the kid and tell him if it ever happens again that he will be sat down in front of GrandPa and the rest of the family and everyone will see his crap and he can then explain it all to them.
4. Whatever other juicy facts will bare the BM’s and Skid’s toxic asses, etc…….

By banning the Skid from your home you and DH are giving BM and the toxic spawn exactly what they want. You are rewarding them for their crap. And that is truly stupid even though it removes the aggravation of his presence from your home.

Time for DH to drag the spawn kicking and screaming into DH’s live for every second of visitation with the major change from the status quo that there will be no more gentle talkings to. The kid will be told, and the kid’s ass will receive a firmly applied paddle for any deviation from acceptable behavior. There will be no electronics when the spawn is visiting. There will be rants tolerated, there will be no whining tolerated, there will be nothing but reasonable behavior from him or there will be abject misery for him.

BM should immediately be hauled to court or a brutal beating with every legal and financial stick available and those beatings should continue until either the she corrects her behavior or the spawn ages out from under the CO.

Quit playing to their strategy. You and DH set the strategy and work the plan. The toxic opposition which in your case includes this polluted crotch dropping follows the CO and does what they are told or you and DH bring the pain. No more whining to or rescues from GrandPa, no more avoiding visitation, no more tolerance of manipulative bullshit. Never again. With as lippy as this kid is I would also recommend that DH practice a firm backhand pop to the mouth. That spawn’s shit behavior should not fly anywhere.

BRING THE PAIN!!!! And have fun doing it.

MissJulsie's picture

Rags, I cannot thank you enough for putting in such a HUGE effort, in writing that very detailed and well thought out response. I appreciate your concern, and your time.

However, I'm afraid that most of what you have suggested will never happen. Why? Because my husband is a Disneyland Dad.

I have read extensively over the years about blended families, and have seen common and recurring themes in the behaviour of divorced dads. These include:

* Feeling guilty that their kid suffered during the breakdown of their first marriage
* Feeling guilty that their kid had to be uprooted from their home, and move house (and often schools)
* Constantly worrying about their kids emotional state

* Worried that their child might be feeling fragile and sensitive
* Actually, always assuming that their child is always going to more fragile and sensitive from now on
* Not wanting to add to their child's already-unhappy situation, or push their supposed fragility and sensitivity over the edge
* Not wanting to be stern with their child, for all the above reasons
* Not wanting to yell at their child " " " " "
* Not wanting to spank their child. " " " " "
* Not wanting to give consequences " " " " "

* Trying to be the 'cool dad'
* Trying to win his child's love and affection
* Trying to bribe his child
* Seeking approval and validation from his child
* Being his child's 'friend'
* Spoiling his child
* Making his house a 'house of fun' so the kid will want to come back

* Not wanting to be the 'mean parent' in case his kid doesn't want to come back
* Not wanting to be the 'mean parent' as he is now in competition with the mother (and possibly the mothers' new boyfriend)
* Not wanting to be the 'mean parent' in case the mother is a bitch and says "You're not a nice dad. You can't have him now"
* Not wanting to be the 'mean parent' because he's afraid that if he yells, that will be his child's only memory of him for the next two weeks until he sees him again

* Now lacking in confidence, as a result of the marriage breakdown
* Low self-esteem
* No more faith in marriage, love, trust, stability, society
* Feels like he's had the rug pulled out from under him
* Feels like he has no leg to stand on

* Not wanting to set routines and boundaries, because he only has him every other weekend (eowe)
* Not wanting to make him do chores, because he only has him eowe
* Not wanting to make him eat his greens, and let's him eat unlimited junk food (see above)
* Not wanting to make him pick up his toys, take his plate to the dishwasher, make his bed (see above)

* Only wanting to look for and see the good in his child
* Only wanting to see the best in his child, as his child has been acting like such an out-of-control brat, that poor old dad can't take the embarrassment and constant criticism of his child's behaviour.

* Wanting his child to have the best of both worlds, in that, on the one hand, is free to feel right at home, have a key to the place, help himself to anything and everything....... and yet has the status of a celebrated, dignified VIP red-carpet guest.
(Which is really irritating, because in real life, you can't it have it both ways. I mean, seriously... if you're part of the family, enough to make yourself RIGHT at home, then you're part of the family and you HELP with the damn dishes!
On the flip side, if you're invited as a formal guest into someone's home, yes you're treated like a VIP, yes you're served with cups of tea, cakes and biscuits, yes, you have the full, undivided attention of your host......BUT you do your part as the polite guest, and only come through to the lounge room when you're invited to, only sit down when you're invited to, only drink tea and eat cake when you're invited to. And then, you CERTAINLY don't walk into the kitchen, open the fridge, turn on the radio, and pick up the cat,)

Rags's picture

Feeling, wanting, not wanting, worrying, seeking, spoilling... all worthless, useless, and stupid crap.

These things accomplish nothing. Only action accomplishes anything. These things will result in a toxic adult that very likely will be completely incapable of viable self supporting adulthood much less being a decent human being, parent, or partner.

If your DH does not take action.... he is the problem.

Your tolerance of this useless man as a life partner is mind boggling to me. Accepting this crap and thinking that there is some redeeming quality to this guy would be like asking Mary Todd Lincoln "Other than that Mrs Lincoln... how was the play?"

Take care of you.

MissJulsie's picture

Yes Rags, unfortunately as far as his son is concerned, DH is totally useless.

So for one night a fortnight , he's as hopeless as the day is long. However, for the other 13 nights a fortnight, it's as if he doesn't have a child, and everything is fine. We can get on with our lives, and carry on travelling, partying, going to the movies etc.

Besides, up until now, I wasn't even there when his kid was anyway. (I gave up doing that after a while).

But anyway, you all helped in your own ways, as I'm now more determined than ever, to BAN, BAN , BAN his son.

MissJulsie's picture

I'm guessing that POS stands for "Piece of shit" ? (There are so many abbreviations to learn here)

SM12's picture

Ok...I love Rags opinion as he is always the voice of reason in these situations.

To add to what Rags has said I would do the following:

I would not ban him from the house. I would sweetly tell my DH.."Oh...poor little SS must feel like he is being left out and is blaming me. Let me spend a little one on one time with him so show him how much I really LOOOOOOVE him".
Then send your DH out for a little free time playing golf or whatever will take up several hours.
Get the kid in your house, grab him by the collar and pull him reeeeeall close to your face.
And in a very Scary calm voice tell him...."If you EVER even utter one more nasty comment in my direction I will END you kid. And just for your total lack of respect, you will get to be my little "buddy" for the rest of the visit. You WILL scrub the toilets, clean every window in the house, pick up every dog turd in the yard one at a time, and do it ALL while chanting I LOVE MY SM!"

I would put on the most psychotic display that kid has ever seen and scare the living crap out of him.
And make it clear to him that EVERYTIME he comes to your house, you will repeat his punishment over and over again until he gets it.

Sometimes a kid needs to see they can't get one over on you. My SS's never mess with me. They know I will go ape on them. (and clearly I would never actually physically harm them, they just don't know that) They have seen me launch a pizza across the kitchen when they were out of control. Yup...pull your crazy side out.
Stop letting him have his way by leaving when he is there. Take back control of your home.

Journey Perez's picture

wow this BM is really a sick evil byatch, poisoning her child like that to the point that he texts you those heinous things. As a parent, I would be outraged, disgusted and appalled if my bio child expressed himself in that manner. I would beat his lil a$$ if he was my kid, I can only imagine how disgusted you are and this kid isn't even yours. I'm sorry your DH isn't doing enough to make you feel like a priority.

MissJulsie's picture

For those of you say that I've given away my power ..... I must disagree with you all. I am the one who has exactly what I wanted:

SS has not been back to our house ever, since 28th May. His visits have been at grandfathers. And even still.... There hasn't been an access weekend for 6 weeks anyway, since the last 3 times have been cancelled by SS and BM. Yay! I'm the happy one. I hope this lasts.....

CANYOUHELP's picture

I cannot imagine raising a child capable of texting such horrible language to anybody, even if he is 12. So what do you have to look forward to? Well, I will let you know and mine are adults who are emotionally like 13 year olds. They hardly work, live off men, and criticize everybody full time, have to be the center of attention and do not share at all--adults who are still children emotionally.

Next, he will trash you by name on FB and any other form of public media-- given he has no values or empathy for anybody but self. The fun part is (although by now you completely blocked him anyway), everybody you know will be bringing it to you to read because it is so outrageous and insensitive.

Banning him from the home at 12 is hard, but I am with you, I could and would not be around this any longer. This is abusive. Let HB visit with this sweetie elsewhere with no complaint, support his visits away from you. Let Daddy deal with his son away from you, he enabled this horrible behavior for 12 years and just because the son comes back in your house...daddy, nor the son, is likely to change- after all this time.

If HB leaves, you will have peace again one day. I know that is hard to hear, but it is true. You have nothing to lose, either way.