Need to vent
Hello my first post so a bit nervous.
Where to start...
I have been with my partner for 5 years. We live together and have a puppy together. He has a 6-year-old son who he had when he was 18-19 years old with someone he met through a friend clubbing. They were together for a month before she fell pregnant. The sad thing is he was going to break it off with her but then found out about the baby and couldn't do it. The first doctor they saw actually suggested they should abort the baby but the mother wanted to keep the baby. My partner was terrified and didn't want the baby. He unfortunately had no choice. They only lasted a year on and off that whole entire year. Anyway...
Since being together that side of his life has been filled with drama. He pays her child support but she still asks for money for example, she will ask to go halves on a Christmas present for their son. To me I don't agree because he is what going to pay half for a present that is going to stay at her house? I don't 100% think that's fair but that's between them too. When his son calls him it's always to ask for money for a new skin on Fortnite. If my partner does have money he will send him $20 otherwise he says he doesn't have money which his son gets upset with. There is no I love you dad only hey dad can you send me money?
I always feel uncomfortable when his son is over because apparently his son told his mother I said "Hey your mum is a fucking bitch" which is so specific that I couldn't believe my ears. You don't know me but I would never say that to your son. That's not how I was raised. I'm not sure if she is making it up or if their son actually said this. It makes me uncomfortable to open my mouth around him.
His son also questioned why I was starring at him when I was only watching him play a video game. Now I'm uncomfortable to look at his direction.
When my partner and I moved in together I started to help him with a schedule to see his son more because he isn't good with things like that. I was helping him with the money, setting up a room for his son and thinking of things to do when his son does come over like go to the zoo. She found out and wasn't happy. She started crying and saying that he has changed since we moved in together. I honestly was confused and felt horrible. I apologised and since then haven't been involved like that.
I greet his son but that's it. If his son ever were to ask me to play with him I would for sure but he hasn't and that's okay. I often wonder why the mother hasn't wanted to meet me if she thinks I'm this horrible person.
His son has also said "I'm sorry dad but I have to tell mum everything that you do". His dad spoils him rotten when he comes over gives him lollies from the milk bar, they play video games together and it's usually always maccies for dinner. It's never enough though.
Thanks for the vent
Time for this kid to get the facts.
DH needs to give the kid the CO chosing everything that governs the kid's custody and visitation until he is 18. When BM lies, DH needs to give SS the countering truth and facts.
When a kid has a toxic parent as your SS had in his BM, the other parent needs to keep the facts and truth front and center for that kid so the kid at minimum has the information needed to defent themselves from their toxic parent. Not only as they are growing up, but also through their adulthood. Toxic POS people like this BM, never stop their toxic crap and the kids need to defend themselves. If they are of sufficient character to do so.
We did this with my SS. The lies and manipulations perpetrated by the SpermClan were never tolerated and we made sure twhen they lied to him that we reviewed the facts with him. We reviewed the CO, the arrest records for his Spermidiot, the marriage and divorce records when the Spermidiot held that he had never been married, the CS payment records and subpoenaed CS enforcement office records showing that SpermGrandHag was the one who paid the Spermidiot's CS order for my SS's support. The Dipshitiot never paid a penny from when SS was 1yo until SS was 13. Only when the courts ordered direct payroll withholding did the SpermDad pay a penny. Until then Spermidiot's mommy paid his CS. She also raised his three younger also out of wedlock spawn by two other baby mamas and let him life in a rental property, rent free, that she and SPermGrandPa owned while he drove their hand me down vehicles.
SS was privy to it all incrementally as they lied and manipulated and he asked questions or came to us frustrated by how 'mean' we were for taking money, taking him away, not letting him live with, etc, etc, etc... the SpermClan. As we gave him the truth and the facts he began to recognize the lies, see their lie and manipulation tells, and to not tolerate it from them... in real time.
SS is now 30yo and far beyond any level of accomplishment anyone in the SpermClan has ever accomplished. He is a good man, successful in his career, and of outstanding character living a life of honor. Sperm Idiot is sitll trying to impregnate teen girls, well into his 50s. SS three younger Spermidiot spawned half sibs are failing in life. My SS is #1 of 4. He has 3 younger half sibs by two other baby mamas. #2 is on the dole, #3 is in prison, #4 is following #3 fairly closely.
So when we heard her say that
So when we heard her say that I said "your mum is a fucking bitch" we should've addressed that further? Have a sit down with SS and BM or just the SS?
I would say yes. The SKid chould have been corrected.
Every lie, mistruth, BM manipulation, etc... needs to be confronted with the facts and reality rather than tolerating manipulative fantasy, lies, and toxic manipulation. Whether from BM or from SS
.
IF the Skids do not have the truth, they are doomed to being the eternal manipulated victims of a toxic parent or of themselves.
IMHO of course.
I would not engage in any conversation with the BM. Correct the Skid face to face with the Skid and your partner. If the SKid is a liar, confront that, if BM is the one lying and manipulating, give the SKid the facts. Tolerate no bullshit.
Classic parental alienation -
Classic parental alienation - the only asking for money, the lying and false allegations, the reporting/spying back to Mom.
Unfortunately, it never will be enough. This kid will only ever view your partner as an ATM or a source of entertainment and you will only be "the girlfriend." And then you will both be nothing when you prove no longer useful. Skid's Mom is making sure of that. I would set firm boundaries for yourself and hopefully your partner will respect them and also start to see the reality of the situation.
Sounds spot on.
Sounds spot on.
She cried because you made
She cried because you made her look like a bad mother. She cried because he chose another woman and moved on. Don't pay her any attention and most certainly don't entertain any of her drama. As for the SS confessing he tells BM everything, keep that in mind going forward.
You really have a man problem though. He puts way to much effort in keeping them happy. Are you ready to invest another 5 years in this situation? At six he's a pain in the butt, do you really expect this get any better by the time he is 14,15,18? No it won't because his parents are not raising him to be a productive member of society. BM is using him as a weapon to exact revenge for leaving her all alone. (Insert fake tears).
Take some time a read the forums
My partner only tries to keep
My partner only tries to keep her happy so there is no drama. As soon as he starts to tell her how it is she starts twisting everything and he just feels useless. He feels like a sperm donor and a baby sitter majority of the times. He's a good guy just wasn't given the chance to be a real father to his son. Feels like an uncle. He doesn't know how to raise him or tell him off. He can be very stubborn at times too and just accepts life like this. He is just happy that he gets to see his son however much he can. When his son calls for money he is just happy that his son is calling him. Makes me feel sad for him.
But what do you think he
But what do you think he should do? Everytime he stands up for himself she puts him down and makes it all about her.
See my post below about a CO.
See my post below about a CO. That is what he should do. Get a CO that is most in your SO's (and in turn the child's) favor. Follow it, no more, no less. Take away most of BM's ability to control and create drama. If she asks for things outside the CO, the answer is no. You and SO can buy the kid presents for Christmas. No need to go halfsies with BM. She buys her own gifts. Same with birthdays and holidays. If your SO doesn't have him on the day of his birthday or the day of Christmas, pick the closest day that you do have him to celebrate with him. Two households, two separate lives. Make the life he has with you as good for him as possible (meaning parent him, not just entertain him.) Low drama.
He should stop totally
He should stop totally abdicating his role as parent to the BM. Some dads do this. My DH did it and it drove me nuts because it affected me and our bio together. The SKs ruled the roost. Your SO should maybe get some counselling to figure out why he's such a door mat. Being a door mat won't work. He is not responsible for BM's feelings. Is your SO one of those conflict-avoidant types? If so his non-conflict ways will only make things worse with BM because your SO is teaching her how to get her own way. BM is being rewarded for what she does.
Next ask yourself if you really want to be with a man who doesn't stand up to his ex and doesn't stand up for you. Your SS saying that you said that his BM is a fucking bitch may seem like not a big deal but it's still a false accusation. Are you sure you want to take the chance that he will or won't get coached by him mum to go further and say something that could ruin your life? From your post and comments I'm not getting the impression that your SO is being appropriately responsive. He needs to take his power back. If he doesn't know what to do he needs to get counselling or maybe check out a men's single parent resource. My city has one and they help single dads with strategies for dealing with HCGUBMs. Parenting groups? Something.
To make a long story short, your SO needs to take back his power as 50% of the parenting equation, accept that he's got you to protect against any HCBM bullshit, and if he really doesn't know what to do, he needs to tap into resources that can teach him.
Maybe consider why are YOU the one who is here asking? It is your SO who should be here to find out what HE can learn to handle HIS kid and HIS ex.
Sorry for sounding harsh. I've been in a really pissy mood for the last month from step bullshit. LOL
He has been dealing with this
He has been dealing with this for the past 7 years the same way so I guess he would be used to it. He can be really stubborn, he acts like he has no-care factor about it sometimes and he doesn't like to show his emotions. He will hold it in and then one day it will all just come out. He puts himself down a lot. He thinks sometimes his son is better off without him. But I understand everything that you are saying. He needs to know that he has options and not to toot my own horn but since we have been together he has been such a better father and has handled himself better in the BM situations. Sometimes it still gets to him and he just feels like what's the point? He reads these forums with me so hopefully he gets something out of it. At the end of the day I'm with him because of who he is with me not because of this BM bullshit. She is the one who is going to ruin her son by manipulation. She has had 5-8 boyfriends introduced to her son to be potentional new dads *wacko*
He needs to find his balls and stop letting BM keep them in
her pocket.
smh
Agreed. I should have his
Agreed. I should have his balls in my own pocket
Lol. Not exactly what I was thinking.
But better you have them than BM continuing to have them.
No yes I know thank you haha
No yes I know thank you haha
Lol. Not exactly what I was thinking.
But better you have them than BM continuing to have them.
Is there a CO? Something
Is there a CO? Something tells me there isn't a CO. Does your SO have legal custody rights to this child? A legally set custody or visitation schedule? A legally set amount of child support?
If there is not a CO in place that outlines when your SO can see the child, and what he has to pay, he is at the mercy of the BM. Meaning YOU are at the mercy of the BM.
Also, if there is a CO, but your SO is too chicken to follow it and insist that it is followed, you are still at the mercy of the BM.
There are no legal rights
There are no legal rights when they broke up she just took the baby and he allowed her to. He pays child support and whenever he wants to see his son he will just send her a text message and she either says yes or no. Late last year he was ready to go legal to get visitation rights because she stopped responding and made her son block him from messenger. Now that he has seen his son again he isn't doing it anymore. I tell him all the time that he has just as much power as she does.
No CO. He may have just as much right to take his kid.
Though it would be in his best interest to file a Custody/VIsitation/Support case to get it all structured. Then, he can roll a copy of the CO up and beat the snot out of BM any time she steps out of line with the CO.
If he does not get to court, he has no intention of getting this under control and in all liklihood it will never be managed in a way to minimize the negative impact on your life.
Ok, first things first- you
Ok, first things first- you need cameras in your house to protect yourself from false allegations. In parental alienation settings there are going to be a lot of accusations of abuse, somebody saying something, etc. - nip it in the butt now and even tell SS that the cameras are there because he lied and from now on there will be no more lying because it will all be caught.
Second- your BF needs to go to court, get the CO and absolutely stick to it with no deviations. Also, no extra money for BM, only the child support. SS also sounds like he could use a break from video games so sending money for that should stop too.
Rules and expectations need to be established for your house. This kid is 6 and sounds like a terror. If your BF isn't willing to get on the same parenting track as you so that you are comfortable in your home- it's time to leave this relationship.
Great advice.
WEB CAMS!!!!!!
Put this kid on camera constantly when he is in your home and record him on your phone when you are away from the house.
Only the rest rook and his bedroom should not be under constant camera coverage. And maybe his bedroom should be.
Cameras sound like a good
Cameras sound like a good idea! No defintely we both have set rules for the house. The only thing that stopped myself and my partner from going further was when his son pretty much didn't a fuck about it and basically mums rules are also at our house. His son acts differently when he is with his dad. Think of kid that has been high on sugar for 24 hours. Doesn't sit, doesn't stop talking, speaks over you, runs around, jumps around and just doesn't stop moving. I feel like I don't have a right to set rules even though it is my house. He's not my child so I don't have a say?
Your house your rules
You certainly do have a say. You say and partner enforces.
Okay thank you. I wouldn't
Okay thank you. I wouldn't even know where to start haha
Start with basics
Manners, treatment of household and household furniture. Treatment of people in household.
IMO, a man who hasn't set up
IMO, a man who hasn't set up a CO establishing custody, visitation and child support for a child from his prior relationship isn't ready for a new relationship.
This is spot on 100%. It
This is spot on 100%. It sounds like her SO went right from his EX into her life.. and honestly.. based on age.. it's unfortunate that OP has put so much time into this relationship instead of finding a partner that would be much easier to find that did not have the baggage of a child from a prior relationship.
I don't see much hope for this getting better unfortunately.
It's been on his mind he just
It's been on his mind he just needs to take that step. Maybe it's time now.
Ask yourself why your SO is
Ask yourself why your SO is turning himself inside out to avoid conflict with his EX, but conflict with you is just fine?
Agree with the others -- until he gets a court order in place and follows it, he's not ready for another relationship.
Conflict with me? We are fine
Conflict with me? We are fine. The BM has turned their son against me, the father and his grandparents. We are all scared of the BM and even their son. We are too scared to open our mouth and look at their direction. It's crazy I know but she doesn't care what anyone has to say. His family are very it is what it is kind of attitude and that's where we gets it from. I'm like what the fuck is going on and trying to figure out what you guys need to do. Time for a court order!
"When my partner and I moved
"When my partner and I moved in together I started to help him with a schedule to see his son more because he isn't good with things like that. I was helping him with the money, setting up a room for his son and thinking of things to do when his son does come over like go to the zoo"
Biggest mistake us steps do, try to care more then the actual bio parent- he likely didn't have an order and was happy playing the uncle role, until the new lady comes in an pushes him to step-up. Normally what follows is a catastrophe :( Disengage is my advice, or suggest he gets a CO to reign the mess in and see what he does.
Yes I realised that when she
Yes I realised that when she started crying and that's when I stepped back. I'm like it's up to you what you do. I'll be here to listen to you. He was really happy that I was helping him because it was helping the situation but when she found out it made things worse. I apologised to her and yeah stepped back from all that.
Take your puppy and run.
Take your puppy and run.
My partner can come too yeah?
My partner can come too yeah? *ROFL* Leave the kid with his mum.
over functioning
Read around here and you will realize that what you are going through is way too common. You are stepping in and over functioning.
As to the accusations, they tend to get worse over time, so you not saying much around SS is a good instinct. You can try nanny cams, but really I encourage you to disengage as much as you can and really think about what you want for your future.
Yeah disengaging as been my
Yeah disengaging as been my best friend. My partner and I would like our own family. He never wanted a family even when his son was born but since we have been together he has really wanted it with me. Waiting on him to finally pop the question! We haven't followed through with that yet because the BM will make it all about her. If we were to get married and have children of our own she will make his life harder. I think she still has feelings for him even though its been 7 years and she has had many boyfriends in that time.
Oh man I deal with a POS
Oh man I deal with a POS jealous alienating HCBM and it doesn't go away. Your DH needs to get firm and shut her crap down ..every. Single. Time!
Every single thing SS says/BM says document it so he can build a case on this manipulation BS.
BM once rang DH crying saying 'you changed since being with Floral' she found out we just moved in and he said 'Ok I'm hanging up as we aren't talking about the kids anymore'. He now doesn't even talk on the phone to her now. No point as she's a bat sh*t narcissist and makes everything about herself.
If you feel this way, you aren't being supported by your DH. He doesn't want to upset and cause drama from BM? He can be single then. Only he can stop this crap. He needs to pull SS up on respecting him and yourself and stop giving him hand outs. It ain't easy having DH's do this.. so if it looks like he won't.. then look after yourself and find a man without this in his life.
This is exactly what he needs
This is exactly what he needs to do. He doesn't care about the BM at all but he hates the drama. If the conversation isn't about the child the conversation needs to end! Usually he will just stop replying honestly because she sends him long ass paragraphs about how shit he is and your girlfriend hates our son. Bla bla bla. He can't be bothered reading it all LOL
Look, everyone hates drama
Look, everyone hates drama but if he doesn't do anything then he and you will be forever disrespected by SS and dictated by BM. Who wants to live like that? It's good he doesnt reply to her ranting texts.. but he should read them and document them. Make a case against her so when he's ready he can shut her down in court with hard evidence.
He also needs to be firm with SS though and enforce respect back into your home and shut down BMs words that he says. He needs to stick up for you and him by not tolerating the BS basically.