Thanksgiving update
To summarize the long story, OSD begrudgingly invited my DH and me to her home.
I did not want to go but was strongarmed into it by my SIL and FIL. I went since my FIL insisted and I felt sad for his recent loss.
But it was a big mistake. Because OSD took it upon herself to invite her bully mother and her equal bully of a stepfather.
These two have tormented us constantly over the years. They used the stepkids in their sick games, it was absolutely disgusting. They have caused so much damage and hurt to our family you will not believe it.
But of course, we grinned and beared it. I am not sure why BM would even want to be there. DH's entire family hates her and no one else from BM's side was there. BM and her husband were in a corner of the house with MSD and SS the whole time.
But what really pushed me over the edge was how BM made a big speech at the end of thankful she was of her wonderful, healthy children and it was because of her good karma. Ignoring the obnoxious good karma comment, her speech was sweet enough.
But the way she put emphasis on healthy and looked straight at me, I knew it was about my late daughter. This has not been the first time she has made a dig about it.
I wanted to jump across the table and slap her silly. But I ignored her completely, came home, cried, and screamed at my husband that I was never going to OSD's home again.
Even more frustrating was how my DH acts like everything is all ok with his children. He seems to have accepted that his children are cold, unfeeling people.
The whole thing was a awkward mess and DH's family agreed that OSD will not be hosting any more holidays. You can bet there will be a huge todo when she hears of this.
Thank you to all the stepparents who gave me advice and support before.
be glad you are finally done
be glad you are finally done with them,
I'm thankful that my DH
I'm thankful that my DH wouldn't put me through a holiday dinner like THAT!
His Older Daughter also hosted thanksgiving.. and BM was invited.. we said we weren't coming... and didn't go.
Thanksgiving is not a suck it up situation for me. That is for weddings and funerals and other emergency type situations.
This is they way it should
This is they way it should be.
There is that word HOSTED
There is that word HOSTED omg.ggggggg
I am sorry you had to endure
I am sorry you had to endure your Thanksgiving like that. What a stressful day!
I refused to attend DH's "family Thanksgiving dinner", which was hosted by SGD33 and SD57 (mother/daughter). DH pressured me to go, right until he walked out the door. So it was not pleasant, but better than me having to sit thru it all. What really made me sure I was not going; DH made the statement "Why don't you just put a smile on and walk through the door and enjoy the day". What????????????? I spent Thanksgiving dinner with my Father and family up the street.
When DH texted his DD57 and told her I was not attending; she text back to invite DH all day, the day before Thanksgiving, to play cards and spend the day with all of them, as well as spending all day Thanksgiving. DH jumped up, like a spring chicken, and enjoyed both days. My DH is disabled and "just can't go out of the house"; he never feels well.
It is so difficult for you and your marriage. I hate the constant fight of disengagement (now 4 years). I've been working on disengagement for 8 years, but totally disengaged for the past 4 years. I am so free of it all and love myself for giving myself back my freedom, by being disengaged. I will never go back to the "family gatherings"; but each time it is a battle. I told my DH, "I hate spending Thanksgiving away from you"; his answer..."It is your choice, when you refuse to go to SD's." So there you go.
Everyone has different circumstances, but for me, it is worth staying away from the passive aggression that is handed out. I'm too old to put myself through it, we've been married 38 years, my SD57 has never made any bones about hating me. I honestly feel bullied around these women.
((((hugs))))
"It is so difficult for you
"It is so difficult for you and your marriage. I hate the constant fight of disengagement (now 4 years). I've been working on disengagement for 8 years, but totally disengaged for the past 4 years. I am so free of it all and love myself for giving myself back my freedom, by being disengaged. I will never go back to the "family gatherings"; but each time it is a battle". This is so Sammi. Disengaging is such a fight. My DH is practically a doormat for my OSD and thinks I should just put up with her behavior or correct her myself. As a result of that I disengaged to save my marriage/sanity and avoid the fights over her and now he seem to understand why I'm done until something comes up like she will visit or we have to go back home and be in her presence. I'm not sure he will ever except that I don't want anything to do with her.
"I told my DH, "I hate spending Thanksgiving away from you"; his answer..."It is your choice, when you refuse to go to SD's." So there you go". I know either way is still bad for the spouse in our case but at least your DH will go without you, my DH will not go without me and try to make me feel bad for not wanting to go until I've given in, in the past. He acts as though, he needs me to be around his family along with him. Thank God we live 600+ miles away from them and the visits are several times a year.
Your DH expects that since he
Your DH expects that since he is happy to be a doormat, and since you are married to him, you are happy to be Mrs. Doormat.
Tell him it is his choice to go through life with no boundaries, but normal people do not choose to spend time in the presence of toxic people.
I am sorry about the loss of your daughter. That has to be very tough, and only sick people with zero empathy capitalize on a tragedy to get their digs in. A few years ago it would have been a major birthday for my brother, deceased for decades. I was having a rough time, and OSD used it as an opportunity to stick it to me then too. She is just a heartless, selfish person, the center of the universe. It was pretty clear to my DH that day why I never want to see his spoiled middle-aged daughter, and I haven't.
"Even more frustrating was
"Even more frustrating was how my DH acts like everything is all ok with his children. He seems to have accepted that his children are cold, unfeeling people."
I have to defend your DH on this one. They have to just accept their children the way they are. DH had high hopes for SS, SS had not really ever done anything bad. Now, not so much. DH says BM has ruined them. SS was doing great at our house until he let BM back in his life.
I am really sorry about your daughter.
This is the second time today
This is the second time today I will quote a Dr. Lauras program.
TELL NOT ask, not beg, not hint but TELL dh he will go to his daughters house or events she has. Take Christmas for example...HE will go to her house with presents and plate of cookies if that is your thing.
And YOU, will do something else.
The end.
Good Luck
What a b**ch BM is!!! DH may
What a b**ch BM is!!! DH may have not seen the connection between BM's 'healthy children' and your daughter at the time BM blurted out her catty 'speech'. When you came home you let him have it. Just wondering what his response was after you let him know how this affected you. Considering how sensitive you are about the loss of your Daughter, DH should have at least said something to let you know you had his emotional support. Good that his family is taking the holiday dinner back. Go to the family dinner next year, and with a big smirk on your face, ask SD how BM is, then when she is in mid-sentence, cut her off and say,"Oh. excuse me, I just HAVE to talk to ___ (another member of the family)."
The loss sof a child is a
The loss sof a child is a terrible thing to deal with. Anyone that would make those type of comments knowing your situation is not a nice person, to say the least. There is absolutely no reason for those remarks to make you feel bad.
You need to tell your DH how you felt about those specific remarks and the loss of your child.
shes driving me...It's like
shes driving me...It's like beating a dead horse to death, in my case anyway. I never talk about the loss of my bio sons; it is very private I have mentioned it more on this site, just so I was understood. I am a private person and know I am not understood, nor do I expect to be given special treatment.
With that said; persons that have not experienced the loss of their children do not understand. Like most devastating events in life, if you don't experience them, you actually believe that "you should get over it". My grown OSS even said to my DH (three weeks after the death of my teen sons), "how is SM doing? is she getting over it yet?" There you go, three weeks later and he didn't understand, because he NEVER experienced any trauma in his life, at the time. Two years ago, OSS and DIL lost their only bio son (he was 30 years old). Now OSS understands, without words.
There are idiots that do not have empathy, no matter. My SD57 has none and has no clue on the heartbreak anyone suffers, because again she has not experienced it.
Now, I don't wish any of what I have experienced on my worst enemy. Cancer is another thing I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. The pain and suffering is individual; no one should have to endure additional affliction from a hateful person. Life can be cruel.
I believe in KARMA, but not to extreme. As much as I detest my SD57 and SGD33, I would NEVER mistreat them under some circumstances. I would walk away and understand.
I agree with you; OP needs to tell her DH that such remarks are not acceptable.
DH used to wheedle SS and his
DH used to wheedle SS and his GF into our home by saying they were walking around the lake we live on (public property) and was it okay if they stopped by. I used to say yes. I even fed them a few times.
But NEVER once was I ever invited to step inside their home. Not to see the baby when born. Not for her many showers. Not for meals where they invited DH to join them. Not for any holiday.
So there's no issue of my DH trying to force me to go to their home. I was never invited even before I ghosted them.
sd video conference her and
sd video conference her and her new baby with her father while i was in the basement doing laundry. no one thought to call me up to see the new baby.
when i came upstairs dh had this big goofy smile on his face about the conversation and getting to see new baby. it was a slap in the face for me.
i asked him if he thought of calling me over (laundry is not an emergency) and he had this stupid blank look on his face and i knew the thought never occurred to him.
i am so glad i am disengaged. i was irked but no surprised.
Sometimes I wonder...can
Sometimes I wonder...can anyone really be that clueless? Because I know, in many cases, the people in my life play dumb to get out of taking responsibility for their behavior. Odds are he didn't want you to come up, because he didn't want SD to be angry.
People are so stupid
People are so stupid sometimes and very uncaring. My best friend of 40 years was with me when I was wheeling my suitcase into my mother's home somehow my toe got under the wheel and it ripped my big toe nail off. You cannot imagine how painful that was. What does she do but start laughing at me and then she tells me "that doesn't hurt, you will be fine."
Needless to say she is no longer a friend. It was not because of that, that we had a falling apart. However, it was because of how insensitive she became. Sometimes you just have to burn bridges because you just deserve to be treated better. When you do, it just means that you are holding yourself to higher standards and you see yourself as more deserving to how people have been treating you. It just means that your self esteem has gotten stronger which is all good.
Saying "no more" is sometimes hard to do, but when you do say it, it certainly feels so damn good!
So sorry. You gave it a shot.
So sorry. You gave it a shot. No one can say you didn't try. Now you're home free to never put yourself in that awful situation again. Exes should never be expected to socialize and their new spouses really shouldn't be expected to be party to that - someone should have seen this train wreck before it left the station. You had a right and justification to say "no" to this invitation, and frankly, it would have been more prudent for everyone's sake. We all know what you'll be thankful for next year
Yes, unfortunately there are
Yes, unfortunately there are people that are really clueless and so self-centered they care about nothing except themselves. Some are sick.....like the Twit and others are just immature.
Once read where the best pilots in the Israeli air force are those under 26. After that age they tend to have gotten married, have children and start to realize their mortality and what they leave behind if something happens to them.