You are here

Relationship with YSD is now going downhill too

Disillusioned's picture

Years ago, once the initial "honeymoon stage" of my relationship with DH and SD's ended, OSD decided she didn't like me, actively worked at destroying the relationship between DH & I, and she always tried to get absolutely everyone in DH's family on side with her

SIL wasn't a problem to convince because she could not stand me from day one. Like OSD, she was very jealous of the relationship with DH & I, but, her issues were/are even deeper (can’t stand any woman who might be younger than her, whom she considers better-looking, smarter, more popular, more successful) any and all of those things and well, you were totally doomed in your relationship with her! Sadly she not only made it clear from day one that she despised me, she did nothing to hide that from her nieces (SD's) who were around 11 and 15 at the time. So OSD when began to create problems for DH & I, she knew before she started that she had her Aunt's (SIL's) full blessing

Her grandparents (MIL & FIL) were much harder to get onside, they were (and FIL still is) welcoming and kind, but they paid dearly for it sadly, as OSD was so determined to oust me that she was prepared to rip DH's entire family apart in order to force them to gang up and get rid of me

YSD also wasn't so easy to convince...until recently I suspect

My relationship with YSD initially was up and down, one visit she would be great, the next she wouldn't so much as acknowledge me, the next time she was okay, and so on...I figured in among usual teenage behavior, add to that step-teenage behavior, and most importantly the peer pressure from her older sister (OSD) to jump on the step-parent hate band wagon, YSD was struggling with her position where her parents spouses were concerned

But over the years, her ups and downs became less and less noticeable. Her 'downs' were less nasty, her ups were better, and her okay days were more on the good than bad side

By the time she reached her twenties, she one day made a big speech to me about how she felt. It was a particularly awful evening - OSD's engagement party and a public outburst from OSD telling DH he was "nothing but a piece of shit father" and this was followed by YSD coming up to me as DH & I were leaving, and apologizing to me for her sister's behavior. Telling me that she thought I was the best thing that ever happened to DH, and one of the best things that ever happened to her sister and her

I figured at the time, it was simply her being dramatic. YSD always was an attention-seeker, and while I hoped and wished what she was saying was true, I was skeptical

But from that point forward, YSD for the most part, was true to her word.

Whenever she was around me she was respectful, nice, and appreciative of anything I did for her. She went overboard acknowledging me on occasions like my birthday, Mother's Day - always a thoughtful gift and practically a letter written on the card full of mushiness about how much she loved, appreciated, and was grateful for me in her life

A year or so ago she sent me a Friend request on Faceback, and I loved her updates, often we would like and comment on each other’s posts, and message back and forth

Things ticked on and I became less and less bothered by OSD's rejection of me, less and less interested in SIL's games, and closer and closer to YSD.

Unfortunately, OSD just simply couldn't stand this. And neither could SIL. Between the two of them they upped their antics, got worse and worse over the years, and began to use BM as a tool to create problems for DH & I, which BM was and I’m seeing has always been a very willing partner in

I know OSD gripes about me incessantly after any family visit, as YSD let it slip that after a family visit OSD will go on and on and on to SSIL asking him if it’s just her, or did he notice that Disillusioned did this, or said that, or what was she trying to prove, what did she mean by that, yada yada yada, and would go on to the point that poor SSIL would have to begrudgingly agree just to save the peace with her. Sort of makes me laugh because all I ever do when I go to these events is politely say hello, respond positively when sgkids interact with me, keep a low profile and stay away from all drama.

Clearly OSD is reading into everything little thing she can, to prove I’m the evil SM not only to SSIL but her herself as well!

But now I’m noticing a change in YSD too, she seems to have joined in on the manipulations, and our relationship is deteriorating.

She has been far less appreciative of anything I've done for her for maybe a year or two now. And that hurts. Didn’t acknowledge me until well after the fact on Mother’s Day pretty much two years in a row. In the last year she doesn’t acknowledge anything at all that I post on Facebook, doesn’t even Like a single picture of DH any longer. When she posts pictures of SGD for example, if a bunch of people including myself comment on how adorable or cute etc…YSD will respond to every single person, with the exception of me

The funny thing is, she’ll then text me the exact same pics. And when I say the exact same things, she'll respond with “oh thanks so much Disillusioned, hugs and kisses, etc…”

So this tells me it’s not that she doesn’t want to respond, but perhaps she’s worried her angry hateful sister will flip out that she is in any way nice to me…same old story

And today DH mentioned to me that YSD sent him a message about getting together, it was sent only to him, so clearly she’s hoping to see him without me around


I guess as hard as it is to believe after all these years where things have been so great with her, that in the end, she is going to side with her hateful sister, aunt and mother. Of course she is. But I always thought she not only saw through their crap, but had the maturity not to participate in it.

Lesson learned, doesn’t matter how many great years and how wonderful a skid can proclaim you are to them, that can always change

I’m relearning to disengage somewhat from her

We will still communicate and have a good relationship of course – she just texted me a video of the baby as I write this LOL) she will never be openly rude or disrespectful like OSD, SIL and BM, but I will not be dumb enough to let my guard down again and believe that she truly cares that much

She puts on a great show of it in front of DH, or me when she wants something, but I think with her much of it may be just that, for show ☹

sandye21's picture

I am sorry to see this, Disillusioned, because you treasured your relationship with YSD, and up until recently, she was loving and warm toward you. The invitation to her Father which excluded you must have been very painful. What did your DH say about it? My guess is that you are right about the influences of OSD and SIL - especially if she is friends on FB with them also.

Do you have birth children? Perhaps take a little vacation from the emotional attachment to YSD. Be pleasant but try to find something in your life which gives you great joy and focus on that for a while. YSD is still young. In the future she may gain clarity, but I would let her approach you.

I have family members whom I used to be close to. For reasons beyond my control or understanding, they have chosen to distance themselves from me. Once I realized that it was THEIR choice, not mine, and there was nothing I could do to improve my relationship with them, I let it go. The door is always open if they want to re-establish the relationship but there's so much in life to do - and not much left of it to bother worrying or fretting over them. At first it was hard - not so much now. Every day that you don't allow them to have an impact in your life is a day you learn to respect yourself more.

twoviewpoints's picture

From what I can recall of post where you've written about YSD, I thought she was pretty decent and accepting of you.

I don't 'see' her as part of the OSD/SIL mode. She could be getting a lot of backlash on her social media interactions and therefore finds it easier to curtail much. I mean, why feed the dragons more fire, right?

I don't think I'd be too concerned on her online stuff, unless she actually says something nasty and/or inappropriate to or about you and DH. She may be facing the same kin of nagging that SSIL has. Perhaps she's come to the conclusion it's best not just for herself, but possibly you too to not show much attention in front of or in sightline of the nasty duo (SIL and OSD) .

She's married now too, and I'm sure her new life is busy and keeps both her physical and mental self pretty occupied.

I would think it's hard for her to be in the middle. Her sister and Aunt (and BM) are her family and she loves them, but so is Dad and you her family and she has been kind and loving towards the both of you. She's coming to the baby thing and Grandpa's birthday dinner, correct? You may be able to get a better, clearer, idea what what's up with YSD when you actually spend the day together as a group when all the 'players' in this are present. If she is social and warm and receiving of DH and you even knowing she may be being peeked at from across the room by the nasty duo (OSD and SIL) may be more telling than what occurs on social media.

As to OSD, I still think that one is bipolar or something such as and cycles. And SIL? She doesn't cycle, she's just always consistently her narcissistic old self. But then, that just my suspicion.

SacrificialLamb's picture

Our SDs are very similar. My OSD is hateful and jealous that I am in DH's life. I have not seen her now in 2 years, and no loss. She has all but cut her father out of her life because she is no longer the center of his attention. I get along better with YSD, but she is her sister's best friend. I am polite to YSD because she is smart enough to be respectful to me because I believe she respects her father. But I will never let my guard down because I know where her loyalties lie - with her sister. Even though her sister is known to be histrionic, needy, a whiner and complainer. She is still her sister, and I am still a Family Intruder.

Fortunately I don't have to deal with the hateful inlaw aspect. We live far away, and although SIL and BM are friends, SIL has been nothing but nice to me. I really don't care what is said about me when I am not around. DH's parents are deceased, so there is no one else that matters that they can try to turn against me.

Fortunately I did not meet these women until they were in their late 20's; it has to be rough knowing SDs when they were younger, developing a real fondness for them, and getting stuck in the back.

Disillusioned's picture

Yes two viewpoints, good points, and I hope you're right! We shall soon see!

twoviewpoints's picture

I'm not ready to give up on your YSD. Last year when she sent you the lovely flowers for Mother's Day and you proudly put a pic up on your social media? Shortly afterwards it was OSD making crap again.

I really think in person YSD will be fine (I'm counting on her, LOL).

However if the worse comes true and YSD is pulling back, you know how to hold your head up and handle it. Just like with OSD and SIL, just put up your boundaries and don't tolerate any nonsense.

I've got my fingers crossed hoping it goes well with YSD.

Disillusioned's picture

Yes Sacrificial, our SD's do sound similar.

Of course I expect that YSD will side with her family, just too bad we had many great years and now the strain of her sister and Aunt seem to wearing on her

I think twoviewpoints is right about OSD, definitely has some form of mental illness!

SugarSpice's picture

i am sorry this is happening to you.

it needs to be remembered that relatiohships with skids are fluid and changing.

one day or year you can get along great, and later they will hate you.

sammigirl's picture

I am very sorry for you. It is hurtful.

You have disengaged and know how to handle this.

Vent here and we will support you.


Aniki-Moderator's picture

I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been dealing with it myself with SD21 and SD24 (DH's step). I used to have a good relationship with both of them. Like you and YSD, we were friends on FB and frequently liked the other's posts and made comments (I deleted my account over a year ago). Both girls knew they could call me at any time and DID. Sometimes to talk about a problem they had (which BioHo absolutely REFUSED to discuss with them because they would not do what she said), other times because they wanted to talk, and occasionally because they needed help. I don't know what happened in the last 2 years, but our relationships are GONE. Unless you want to count open hostility on THEIR part.

I do know that BioHo has always been jealous of me. I am everything she is not: I have a good job and make GOOD money (she makes $10 an hour), am an excellent cook ('Ho is the queen of fast food and frozen entrées), keep a clean, tidy house (the 'Ho house looks like a tornado went through it), and am a homebody like DH ('Ho is a partier who actually believes that "a drunk 'Ho is a FUN 'Ho!!"). I know the skids have overheard DH telling me he's the happiest he's ever been in his entire life. I'm sure that chafes, but it's not MY fault.

Anyhoo, the girls' hostility, which was gradual the first 1.5 years, has gone into overdrive in the last few months. I have NO idea why. Suddenly, their lying, cheating, narcissistic skank of a mother is a freakin’ SAINT and I’m the devil incarnate. I recently emailed them about something and suggested we get together. Within MINUTES, both of them replied, spewing a bunch of incorrect ASSumptions and flat-out lies. Where they got this “information”, I have no idea. However, with what they said and the ‘tone’ of their emails, I was not going to waste my time refuting all of the ridiculous BS.

DH and I talked about it – he is also completely baffled as to where this came from (unless it was lies spewed by ‘Ho) – and I decided I am done with them. THEY don’t know it, but I’m sure they’ll figure it out eventually. I’ve done a LOT for both of them (for the boys, too). No more. They can call; I will let it go to voicemail and MIGHT call back. I don’t care if they’re stranded in a 5 foot snowdrift and wearing pasties and a thong. They’re adults. They can figure it out for themselves without my help.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

BF99, it's actually more confusing than anything. Oh, it's hurtful, but I am absolutely perplexed as to where this all came from. Things they claim I said/did... total fabrications.

One thing SD21 accused me of is criticizing 'Ho in front of them when "you have never been a parent". Huh??? Firstly, I have never so much as MENTIONED 'Ho when they are in the house. WTH?? I have mentioned MY mother, but have never said One.Freaking.Word. about that nasty skank unless DH and I are alone. Secondly, I spent 18 YEARS being the ONLY parent to 3 stepkids because their parents had "checked out". Their father was an alcoholic and their mother was a drugged out, psychotic crack whore who frequently disappeared for days/weeks/months. I was the only PARENT they had to rely on and take care of them. And I'm still in contact and have a great relationship with all 3. Never been a parent? BULLSH!T.

But I am not about to waste one second of my time setting these beeyotches straight. Their minds are made up with lies they want to believe. That's their problem. Their opinions only matter if I let them. Their opinions are garbage and I don't waste my time on garbage.

SacrificialLamb's picture

Aniki, this is similar to what happened to me. For the first several years there were subtle digs and OSD marking her territory. But then it escalated into OSD proclaiming I was not family, more hostile snubs than before and I have no idea why. I figured it was either 1. we moved and it was not to be close to her, 2. her subtle attempts to aggravate me didn't work so she was ramping it up, 3. Unhappiness with her own life and marriage, 4. pressure from BM. I can see it being all 4. I am done analyzing though; I am just done with her until she acts like a normal middle-aged daughter who realizes her father has a right to happiness and did not need her permission to remarry.

Both SDs used to make fun of BM constantly, and BM was a whackjob of a mother and former wife, but like so many others, she is now a poor poor martyred saint.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Lambie, that sucks. For me, there were no subtle attempts or us living far away. It was quite sudden and unexpected. I'm willing to bet money that it has more to do with BioHo and less to do with my actions. Only the boys came EOWe. SDthen14 absolutely REFUSED to visit and SDthen17 had just pooped out her first kid.

'Ho was PO'd because, after I came into the picture, DH was no longer at her beck and call. He, once again, had a LIFE. He was no longer sitting at home doing nothing and was not available to take the skids every time she needed to go out and 'ho around. He would no longer babysit Spawn, her youngest (who, after finding out that 'Ho the Serial Cheater was cheating on him, moved away, and married someone else). She pulled that PAS BS on the boys: that "Daddy doesn't love you as much as I do because he spends time with Aniki instead of you".

Word got to the girls from the boys that I was actually not the evil, fire-breathing, skid-eating demon that 'Ho had made me out to be. I was NICE. I made HOMEMADE cookies and cakes and brownies. I cleaned up the house and it STAYED clean ('Ho's house is a pigsty). I was FUN. Daaaaaaddddddeeeee was NOT spending all of his money on me (some, but not all!). I actually bought small, but thoughtful little gifts for NO reason and with NO expectations. ~gasp~

All of the skids are quite aware that, while 'Ho and Mr. Pinhead fight like the Hatfields and McCoys, DH and I do not. We DISCUSS and don't scream at each other. I'm not an alcoholic and DH doesn't withhold sex because I'm always drunk (thank you SD21 for sharing THAT of FB long enough for me to see it before 'Ho got into your account, deleted it, then called up DH screeching about SD's lack of respect...).

IMO, it's water under the bridge. I've gone out of my way to be nice for 7 years. After the things they said to me? There will be NO second chance. I'll be polite - like I would to a visitor at work - but will no longer be open to having any other kind of relationship. They burned that bridge. I will not allow it to be rebuilt.

gaviotas's picture

dear! hope you can get along with this unpleasant situation. But, life will go on, and steps are like this, unpredictable.
In my case, SIL and BM are great friends too. Anyone can tell why this happens???
SIL usually tries to create problems between BM and DH, as well.
So, weird people.. They cannot live their life without bothering or messing around. I can assure my SIL has jealosy issues (I do not understand why, she is almost 60 years ald, 20 years older than my DH).

Also a SD relationship is cyclic, please do not get involved in this emotional rollercoaster. Go on with your life, work, friends, hobbies and try to relax.
In my case, well, I can't really help you, as my SD11 does not talk to us and ignores the whole family. Hopefully she gets better, as finally she is going to the shrink, she began last week, and will continue if BM does not object.

moeilijk's picture

I might ask her straight out why her behaviour towards you via private messaging is so different from how she behaves towards you on social media.

I know I show far less of my true self on social media than in my personal contact with people. And while it wouldn't be my style, for sure some people would just not interact with you in a public space if that meant that their psychotic older sister would leave them in peace.

And I also suggest that you wait until you can be curious about her answer, instead of feeling hurt and angry at what you imagine she intends.

Now, she does have very poor examples of normal in her life, so she might indeed be doing something deliberately to hurt or exclude you. Or she might be a bit selfish and thoughtless. Or there might be something else going on.

I think you need to gather more information from the source, using your own judgement and insight and experience. Treat it as a research project - what kind of person is YSD, really. And does Disillusioned like that person?

You can't befriend everyone. You can be civil and even kind to almost anyone, but you can have a meaningful connection with only a few. Maybe YSD shouldn't be on your shortlist.

Disillusioned's picture

Such great advice're wise as always

Yes I did treasure the relationship with YSD, and I do believe most of this with her is giving in to peer pressure, more than any issue she may have with me, but it still hurts of course

DH called her this evening, she spoke with both of us. He asked her about getting together with us - even though I was clear with him before he called her that it was totally fine for him to go see YSD on his own, I certainly did not need to be there. DH insists that she wanted both of us there (I know better) but either way, she then asked us if 'we' wanted to meet up with her on Friday next week, but said she is only available during the day. I'm working which she knows, so can't. But I did tell her that, and that her DH really wants to see her, and he could work it out

I don't have birth children of my own, although a large family with lots of nephews and nieces Biggrin DH & I do have a good social circle, so definitely able to take a little 'vacation' away from YSD emotionally

She couldn't have been sweeter or nicer on the phone this evening. DH assumes everything is just great.

On a good note, if even it's all for show to please DH, I'll take that over the nasty cattiness of OSD and SIL!

Sorry to hear you have family members that have distanced themselves from you. I think it happens even with our own families. I know what that's like too. But your attitude towards it is right on. And doesn't mean it's permanent either!

Disillusioned's picture

You're so sweet twoviewpoints, thank you!!! Smile Smile Smile

Disillusioned's picture

SugarSpice you couldn't be more right on! Mostly the case with my OSD and her cycles...but seems it may be that way again with YSD too.

Always good to remember that that's the way it goes though

Disillusioned's picture

Wow, I feel so bad for you Aniki!

It amazes me how often this happens with skids :?

It can go from great to horrific in no time flat, for no good reason, with never an explanation offered!

Amazing, and yup, definitely has happened to me, happened to my sister with her SD, just seems to be the norm

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Disillusioned, I believe it all boils down to BioHo being there mother and I'm The Intruder. Apparently, Mr. Pinhead is just wonderful!! Even though he and 'Ho have screamfests almost daily and DH and I never do. Go figure. I think part of it has to do with the girls NEEDING 'Ho for things. SD21 still lives at home. SD24 needs Mommie 'Ho-est to babysit for her so she and her DH can go out drinking. They don't NEED me for anything (until they have an ugly fight with 'Ho...then they need me to validate their fee fees...). I'm not supplying a roof or a vehicle and there's no way in he!! I'm going to babysit. Gaaaaaaaah!!!

What has surprised me is the feeling of PEACE I have after all of this happened. It's like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and I'm actually happier!!

Find your happy place, hon. Be a good person, don't stoop to their level of hate, and be above all of the petty BS. In the end, you will feel better about yourself and your actions and realize that it's not YOU. It's THEM. xoxo

Disillusioned's picture

Moeilijk I did think about asking her, but, I don't think it's worth it at this point.

I strongly suspect it's all about OSD (and SIL and BM) and their constant back-stabbing lies behind my back. OSD has done what she always does, put people in a position where they feel they have to choose...either oust me, or lose a relationship with her

And as this is the only sister YSD has, she obviously isn't going to choose her SM over her sister

I do plan to tone things down with YSD, my moto with my SD's has always been simply to let them dictate the type of relationship they want with me. OSD has chosen to hatefully not have one, and I'm respecting her choice.

YSD is now choosing to distance herself, even if just publicly, and again, I'll simply follow her lead.

Sometimes the best thing you can give people - is exactly what they "say" they want!

Dovina's picture

You are wise and you have gone through so much. It is so difficult always having this turmoil on the back burner. I find the hardest part of disengaging , is getting the turmoil out of my mind though. You are handling this so well and your words of wisdom are so helpful.
"sometimes the best thing you can give people is exactly what they want" SO TRUE!!!

sammigirl's picture

Disillusioned: "they feel they have to choose" is exactly what my SD56 used against me. SD56 wrote me a two page email, beginning with; "this will probably ruin my relationship with Dad", but blah, blah, blah.....two pages of hating me.

I immediately printed it out and showed it to DH (3 years ago) and told him to take it to her and put a lid on it NOW. If I heard from her again, in any form, I was getting a Court Ordered Restraining Order against her and her family. I also took my 2 page hate email to my Attorney and started the process, in case she contacted me again. No drama between SD and myself, I refuse to have "one word" with her.

Now, DH is beginning to see what is actually up here, only because I called her hand on this "choosing" game.

Hang in there with your disengagement.

Disillusioned's picture

Wow - good for you sammigirl! Sounds like that smartened her up somewhat, at least you have some peace!

A two-page email? She seriously has some anger issues!

No Name's picture

I have the same thing going on here. OSD hates me. The other two growing up were perfectly fine around me unless she was here.
When oldest SD was creating drama the other skids jumped on the I hate no name band wagon.
The only one that I ever felt close to was YSD but that was all for nothing. Now due to the ousting of SS they are all once again on the I hate no name band wagon.
I am trying my very best to disengage. I see things on line or when out shopping and think oh what a perfect gift for SD or SS but then I talk myself right out of it. Being me it is difficult but I have to remind myself why I need to stop and walk away. No more cards, no more gifts, no nothing for Skids or grand skids from no name.
It's all on DH. The only down side is I will have no control over how much he spends on them and I am sure he will spend a lot more that I did! I always went for the thoughtful special gifts but stayed within a budget. DH will most likely go the gift card or cash gift route. My problem with that is that we have debts that should be paid first (In other words don't just pay the minimum, put any extra on the debts).

sandye21's picture

Separate your finances as soon as possible. It surprised me how less 'generous' DH became when the money 'we' spent on SD was coming out of his pocket. We have separate checking and savings accounts. We then put equal amounts into joint checking and savings accounts which are only used for living expenses or travel for the two of us.

Disillusioned's picture

Well you're on the right track No Name, from a disengagement standpoint. It takes works, constant trial and least it did for me

Now, I'm pretty much an expert at remaining disengaged from OSD and SIL, all the while being upbeat and pleasant Biggrin

They end up acting like raving lunatics, and I calmly walk away with unruffled feathers