SD wants my H to go to yoga..

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18 yo SD wants my H to go to yoga class with her cause she is too anxious to go by herself. I told my husband no let her be more independent. This girl needs to grow up and try new things on her own!

He wants fo support her and I’m starting to feel he is going to enable her like her BM.

am I nuts??

That might be fun

for the two of them. Something for them to do together. I have taken classes like that with my mom (my dad passed away several years ago and was disabled) and I am almost 41. I have taken classes, as has DH, with my adult kids.

You throw around the word co-dependent and you are using it incorrectly. You have said it in multiple previous posts. If she spends time with either parent she is "co-dependent." It is ridiculous. Your SD is not you. She is not as social or as interested in having a wild time partying and hanging out with friends and that is okay. That doesn't make her co-dependent. It wouldn't hurt for her to have some support from her parent. And in the end it is none of your business what your husband does with his child.

It is my business because my

It is my business because my H involves me and at the end of the day it impacts my life and my day to day activities. He has two other children he has to help with, I’m not a single parent here.

I still think she is extremely co dependent on her BM. For god sake her Mom mailed her hand santizer cause there was an out break of stomach flu and she can’t run to CVS to get some? This girl doesn’t know how to make decisions or be in the real world. Which H and I are trying to help her be successful but running to Mommy every day who is 3000 miles away doesn’t help.

I get it makes it easier to go to a class with someone, so I suggested she ask a co worker someone her age to go with her on a weekend.

Ok when it comes down to it I want this girl out of my life and I know it’s not happening but I also don’t want to sit around and watch her be failure to launch!!!

How is she being a failure to

How is she being a failure to launch?

She works and goes to school full-time. Those activities aren't indicitive of someone who is a "failure to launch".

If I am understanding correctly, she lived in an entirely different state until she started school near you all in, I'm guessing, August. She left everyone and everything she knows behind. The only person she really knows, I'm assuming, in your state is DH.

If she is socially anxious, her moving at all was a HUGE step. I'm 30 and couldn't imagine moving anywhere that new now by myself, much less when I was 18. Hell, I have a work trip next month that I have to go on alone and I'm already getting nervous.

She is WANTING to go out and do new things. She is asking her dad to help make that transition easier, in a place she is unfamiliar with. I get that he has two other kids, but he also has her as a budding adult, and he didn't get to be a full-time parent to her. I don't see why her asking him to go to yoga, what, once a week is an issue?

I don't think you need boundaries with SD. You need expectations with your husband. If he is going to spend one evening/morning with SD, then he needs to devote that same time to your two kids. He also needs to keep evenings open to you, or set date nights where SD can babysit as repayment for staying with you all for free. Those aren't unreasonable expectations of your DH, but it is unreasonable to think that SD wouldn't want to spend one-on-one timr with a parent she only saw for a few weeks every year for the last few years.

I think you need to chill out and stop seeing this girl as your husband's mistress. I know to you she is a young adult woman living with you, which probably makes it hard to not see her as someone who is trying to steal your DH's affections. But this is his daughter, and his obligation to guide her and his want to spend time with her doesn't end just because she graduated high school.

Does he need a plan to help her launch out on her own? Yes. But I think you're expecting WAY too much, and I think you're upset at the wrong person. She didn't just randomly move in; your DH allowed it, without consulting you. She isn't demanding the monopolization of his time; he's allowing her to monopolize it. She didn't ask to come on the summer vacation; he invited her.

You have a DH problem that you are trying to solve by getting rid of SD. That's not how this works.

I feel if she is anxious and lacks the coping skills to just

adapt and meet new people and needs daddy’s presence to make things comfortable for her then she is co-dependent...

what happens when she needs to go for a job interview and she is nervous and anxious?? Is daddy coming into the interview room?? Of course not!! What message does this send to a prospective employer?? “Grown arse adult unable to act and function independently!!”

heck even my miniwife stepdaughters at family get togethers are glued to hubby. They are 14.5 & 24.5... its bloody ridiculous that they do this to avoid any conversation with family but want to come to family events which implies you will socialise and hubbys family just wonder why the heck they come anyways.

even i’m not glued to him like that and i’m his wife and we have 2 kids aged 3 & 4.5 and our kids are independent enough to run around.

any time a divorced parent spends with skids for bogus crap they are capable of doing on their own should not continually be at the expense of quality family time with their spouse/partner

also in my case hubby can maintain a relationship with his 3 feral skids but away from me... they respect no boundaries or privacy and just ruin what should be a great time. But hubby doesn’t get to plan and take off and leave our 2 little ones with me to disappear a whole weekend day with his ferals if it clashes with my university time. There are some weeks or weekends where assignments and online exams are all due and its hard enough when hubby is at work for me to deal with everyday things and the kids.

our kids need their dad way more than an adult so when it comes to time, quality time with our kids takes precedence over sd’s wanting to have an outing with daddy and rant about bio mum and stepdad non stop

now that i’m overseas, skids just ignore hubby and are too busy, the moment i fly back to hubby or he is with me, skids demand all kinfs of crap and outings with hubby, its because they cannot stand hubby spending time with us

also hubby taking our kids on his outings with skids whilst i am at home is a no no. Ss is highly allergic to cat dander and sd’s have 3 cats at home and always coated in cat hair on their clothes and my son if always breaking out with a bad rashes swollen puffy eyes... so my kids stay home

I'm with fourbrats, this is

I'm with fourbrats, this is fine. I'd take a yoga class with my mom now and she's 84!

You seem to dislike everything about this girl, might help to open your mind a bit to her. It's not like she's asking your husband to go sit in her college classes with her - that would be a problem.

Introverted people tend to have a hard time just jumping in and joining things, and going with someone else can help ease that for them.

Frankly, I'd trade my alienated SS in a minute for your SD, I think I'd enjoy her. She's polite, pleasant, and doesn't cause any drama.

If she's willing to go

If she's willing to go somewhere, anywhere, and will feel more comfortable if he goes with her, this might be a good thing. Maybe she will make some friends and she will become more independent.

Your husband can use this opportunity to teach her how to be more social.

I find the yoga thing to be

I find the yoga thing to be weird just because I dont know too many people that would ask their dad to do that in particular, but how extreme is the anxiety? If it's bad enough that she isn't able to go places alone in general than I think it's a step in the right direction even if dad is with, but she would need a therapist to guide her with steps to eventually doing things on her own.

My dad loooved yoga and did

My dad loooved yoga and did it until his death at 88. He would have been thrilled if I wanted to take a class with him.

At first I thought I was on

At first I thought I was on the wrong site - one for SDs. If this SD is living with the OP and DH, it seems like she could ask both of them to go with her or go alone. I never had trouble with Daddy time as long as it wasn't used as a method of. dividing DH and SM. If the SD is around the house all of the time maybe this Daddy time is taking time away from together time for SM and DH.

Then SM needs to talk to her

Then SM needs to talk to her DH about her expectations of him.

I lived at home in the summers during college, and boomeranged back after my divorce because I was in financial ruins. I still asked my mom to go out and do stuff on weekends without my SF, just like I did when I lived elsewhere. Just like I do now.

Living in the same house and sitting in public spaces together, like the living room, isn't monopolizing time. Unless SD is following DH into every room, won't do anything unless he is in the room with her, wants to go everywhere he goes, etc then SD isn't the problem. OP needs to speak up to her husband about what she expects, and I'm not getting the feeling that she has talked to him about that specifically. It sounds like she just leaves the room and hopes DH follows.

I suppose it would be polite

I suppose it would be polite to ask if SM wants to come, too. But not required.

And seriously? Yoga class is ONE HOUR. I think SM can be apart from DH for one hour. Bet she wouldn't have any issues with her DH spending an hour with one her two girls at dance class, or Girl Scouts or whatever.

"I suppose it would be polite to ask if SM wants to come, too."

You got it! I agree he OP needs to discuss this with her DH but in previous posts she says she has. The DH needs to demonstrate to SD that he and SM are a unified couple. I really think if the OP felt valued by her DH she wouldn't care if he spent an hour with SD at Yoga ---- BUT, as you mentioned,it would be polite for SD to ask OP.

SD needs to cultivate friendships and interests that help her to grow socially and emotionally. Possibly with the help of a counselor.

Am I supposed to be offended

Am I supposed to be offended if one of my SSs invites DH to a thing without me? He is their father, not me.

If my sister invites me out, should I expect her to invite my DH? If a friend invites me out, should DH expect them to extend the invite to him?

No. Because their connection is with me and not him. Just like his kids are connected to him and not me.

Now, this is an entirely different story if it were a family dinner or if OP were expressly excluded while others were included. But being a couple doesn't mean you BOTH get an invitation to EVERY event ever. THAT is CO-dependent behavior and expectations.

Maybe

"Am I supposed to be offended if one of my SSs invites DH to a thing without me? It depends on how much time your DH spends with your SS, and if SS's expectations are cutting into the quality time you spend with DH. There has to be a balance, and as I wrote, this has to be agreeable to both OP and DH.

In the first of our marriage SD lived with us. She would not give us even an hour alone. I was overly saturated by SD's constant presence, But my REAL problem was with DH for not stressing to SD how important it was for he and I to have some is private time together. As I wrote, the real problem is between OP and DH, They both deserve to live in a loving environment where their marriage is top priority.

Once my SD had gone to college, was cultivating friends and not demanding DH's constant attention, DH and I had time to ourselves, I could have cared less if SD and DH spent a few hours together.

That is not at all related to

That is not at all related to what you wrote.

You were saying that SD should have extended an invite to OP. I'm addressing that point specifically, in that no, she shouldn't. That doesn't solve any issue that OP has and only gives her another reason to believe that SD is pest.

I agree with you on what the problem is - it's having unmet expectations for OP from her DH. Whether her reasoning is justified is the question. But SD inviting OP doesn't address the problem.

OK - we have to agree to disagree

OK, we have to agree to disagree. You want to make a point, I still disagree. Yes, I was saying that SD should have extended an invite to OP. You say she shouldn't, I say she should. End of debate. I also think SM is overly-saturated with SD, and SD should give DH and OP more couples time. And I'm sure you will disagree with that too. We can go back and forth on forever, but I won't waste my time.

I would also live to trade

I would also love to trade your SD for a 32 year old unemployed entitled bitch with 3 kids by 3 different fathers, all also unemployed or deceased. Sound like a good trade?

I know having an 18 year old female moving into your space is hard. But you have to stop seeing this girl as a threat. I know you have your hands full with two little ones but see if you cant take advantage of having SD home and get in a date night with hour husband. Does it feel to you like the daddy-daughter dates are taking your husband away from his responsibilities and leaving you with all of the work?

This is totally fixable. Also if my mom who lives thousands of miles away mentioned on the phone that she needed something I wouldn't think twice about ordering it from amazon even though she could get down the road. That's not so strange.

I also think that you are misunderstanding the technical use of codependent, which is someone who enables an addict. Your SD may be overly dependent but she is not codependent.

Totally agree ^^^

Totally agree ^^^ saynoskidschitchat

Flexibility of body, mind and spirit

I've seen a vast diversity of people begin yoga class together...it can be intimidating. It's not meant to be "social" time - a good class feels somewhat reverant. A well-versed instructor will expound on yoga BECOMING "YOUR" PERSONAL PRACTICE with the goal of teaching each yogini to take his/her practice solo, anywhere and anytime. Sans the western bastardization of competitive-looking asana posturing, yoga is a way of living/being in balance.

I understand your concern about SD's request because you have described her as clingy and more needy of DH than an average 18 year old. She may be the product of a very childcentric marriage. Dinner or movie with DH would entail a few hours of bonding time, whereas yoga becomes a commitment (2-3x weekly for a newby to gain the benefits) and at least an hour+ long per class. I doubt DH will become SD's permanent yoga buddy, but accompanying her to class a few times might result in SD meeting other yogis and compel her to make connections. There are usually very nice individuals in yoga classes bent on opening their heart chakras. SD seems to need coaxing into independence.

You and DH should weigh this request carefully with an eye on eventually launching SD with success. Perhaps the results you reap from taking the "middle ground" right now may be well worth it. You don't ever "force" a posture...you "breathe into it slowly." Learning the practice of yoga might help SD with grounding some confidence - the physical and psychological benefits are realized fairly quick. Maybe you could join them for a couple of classes : )

My H will do what he wants

My H will do what he wants anyway and I know will go to a class with her so that will make everyone here happy! He asks my opinion not really sure why cause he does what he wants.

She is not my responsibility , I didn’t want her to move in didn’t have a choice in the matter. Our finances are tight and life sucks for me. But whatever go to yoga class with your clingy daughter who will probably never move out and get a life of her own

Why are you under the

Why are you under the impression that she will never move out? What makes you think that she'll live with you forever or that your DH won't push her to live on her own?

I know eventually she will

I know eventually she will move out seems like a lifetime away and I get it makes sense for her to be here during community college since no one saved for her college education

she should be thanking me and my husband on a daily. She has it real good in my home.

If she is still here for bachelors degree I am speaking up and saying she pays rent or gets out

Do your mutual kids thank you

Do your mutual kids thank you daily for what you have given them?

You're not doing anything extraordinary for this girl. You're doing what most parents do for their newly-minted adult kid. I'm sorry it puts a cramp in your style, and that you're likely seeing a side of your DH that you don't like, but that's not her fault.

I get why you are frustrated. I really do. But it seems like you are putting ALL of your frustration on her shoulders versus looking at your DH and having a very real conversation about what is going on. Him not listening when you have talked isn't her fault.

Many 18YOs live at home

While going to community college. This is the most cost effective route. Instead of moaning all the time, talk to dad about him parenting her, encouraging her to use college resources of counseling, and looking into transfering to a 4 year school when the time comes.

Would you not allow your own kids to live in at home to go to community college?

Look, I know it doesn't help

Look, I know it doesn't help because this brief period of time seems like an eternity for you but. It's hard for a lot of us to drum up sympathy when this girl is really doing nothing but existing in your home. She is just "there" too much for your taste.. and it seems that any of it at all is too much.

You know what I was forced to endure? My EXH had an older brother that had been in prison for over 10 years for nearly killing a man while robbing him to get money for drugs. When he finallly was released.. OUR home was the only option for this guy. How about sharing your home with a socially inept (prison makes people strange) Adult Male with a substance abuse problem.. a guy that had innapropriate ways of dealing with women.. would just stare at teen girls.. and even me at times. It was the creepiest 6 months I spent in that house until the guy decided our rules were too much and he moved out.

That makes the thought of having to watch TV with a teenage girl in the room a little less horrible.

I would gladly send my DH out to do yoga.. gets the girl out of your hair. It will give you time to focus on your babies.

Why didn't the dude to go

Why didn't the dude to go some re-entry program? He would've had to figure something out if you'd said nope.

Am I the only

Am I the only one who thinks it is funny that she is anxious about going to something that is supposed to be relaxing and relieve anxiety?

No?

No, it's not funny if her issue is anxiety.

Exercise helps me manage the worst symptoms of my anxiety and depression, but that doesn't make it easy to go. Part of the reason why I keep paying a trainer is so I have an advocate at the gym. I get extremely self-conscious doing anything but cardio, so weight training on my own scares the everloving piss out of me.

I power through it because without the exercise, I'm a hot mess. I'm okay once I'm in the thick of it, but it's a battle to convince myself to go.

I agree!

Ya, I think it's weird too. She should go to a therapist for her anxiety., then take yoga to improve mind and body.

Ridiculous....

Sounds like daddeee is a girlfriend. I loved my father as well as anybody, but ask him to go to yoga with me would be the last thing I would do. Some of the games these jealous daughters play are so transparent, just pathetic.

"What a great idea! You could

"What a great idea! You could also take younger dd's to help support their sister as well!"

He gets time with older and yonger dd's and you get time off. Win win.

I think stepdaughter does

I think stepdaughter does need to take the plunge and go to the yoga class on her own - could you and her dad sit down with her and encourage her to do this? You could offer to drop her off there and pick her up (for the first time anyway). But say that he or you won't be actually attending the class with her

If she really does suffer from anxiety, you could suggest that she does things that are non threatening but get her out of her comfort zone (your house haha) - eg take the dog for a walk, offer to take the neighbour's dogs for a walk etc. Just random ideas here

I know how the OP is feeling - my partner's daughter did things like that. One night she texted him from her gym, asking him to come down and play table tennis with him when she knew full well that I was there visiting (we don't live together). Another time when I was there, she texted him from her bedroom asking him if they coud watch their "favourite TV show" together now.

She claimed to be too anxious to go into the supermarket, go and pay bills, call up and make her own appointments etc - but is not too anxious to go downtown and get drunk, rolling home at 4am, off her face.

She has improved a bit, but only slightly, and will never move out of her father's home. She's 23.

Yikes! This is an old thread!

No specific suggestions to forestall/prevent this, but as a yogini who formerly practiced in a studio and since the onset of the plague has been practicing virtually, I can totally understand your reluctance to watch your DH regularly going into a roomful of lean, lithe young bodies doing downward dog in second-skin yoga clothes. And yes, of course, there are males who go to classes like this specifically for the opportunity to ogle women. I know one (not DH) who openly admits it.

Again, not much I can offer as to how to get around this, but have you thought of joining them? That is, if you can tolerate more exposure to your SD. My DH practiced yoga with me--I was the main driver and more enthusiastic participant. With my mat right next to his he managed to keep his sometimes wandering eyes mostly front and center.

Also, I wonder if any argument could be made that he really should not be exposing himself to a roomful of sweaty, hard-breathing potential carriers of an airborne plague. And the idea of including the other siblings if they're willing is a winner.

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SD wants my H to go to yoga..