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Viscous cycle

Momof2Girls's picture

It seems I am learning a lot during these times at home. It's been almost two years since my SD 20 moved in with us. Today I asked my husband that we sit down with her this summer to set our expectations for the Fall. She either continues school and if doesn't she has to work and pay "rent" (basically savings). My husband said no we need to wait till she tells us her plans. I said NO! I want to set expectations this is ridiculous that we are the parents and can dictate what happens in our home.

he then told me that he wants to warm up to the conversation with her since having these tough conversations are difficult. He wants us to bake or take a walk with her or do something fun. It's been 2 years, if they haven't built a normal relationship it's not happening. The parent alienation is so bad here. 15 years of SD hearing how bad her Dad is from her Mom.

Im just so sick of it. SD stonewalls she hides and diverts any serious adult conversations, wants to be treated like a child and is so immature she is a child. How the hell so I deal with this?! 
I told my husband since he is the parent he needs to take the lead, build the relationship and I'm happy to join the tough conversation. (Which honestly is not tough for a normal growing adult!!)

 

Kes's picture

I think your DH is wrong in this.  Doing a fun thing with her beforehand is not going to soften the serious message of what the two of you need to say to her.  She has been an adult for 2 yrs and her child days are well and truly over.  SD needs to start planning for what she is going to do, and start looking around for employment if she opts not to continue her education. 

Aunt Agatha's picture

At 20? Precious princess needs a plan.  If not, why not find him and her an apartment to live in so they can continue their nonsense without involving you? He needs to feel the pain of the useless adult he's helped create

tog redux's picture

Your DH cannot hide behind parental alienation with a kid who has lived with him for 2 years. If she were alienated she would not be living there. BM clearly did a poor job of turning her against DH, so that's no excuse.

Potential failure to launch kids need pushing, with clear expectations, and need to be held accountable to become independent. You are correct that she should be expected to work and pay rent, as well as for her phone, car and anything else that she gets from you. She should also be expected to help out around the house in the same manner she would have to if she lived alone (ie not just cleaning her room, REALLY helping - with cooking, cleaning, doing her own laundry, etc.)

Momof2Girls's picture

EXACTLY THIS! I thought about this morning and yes we already spoke about expectations so really I just want to reiterate that those expectations have not changed due to COVID etc. should be an easy convo for an adult. 
I get that he wants to soften her by building trust by doing some stupid activity but honestly it's not going to help. one baking session or long walk is not going to change this immature stonewalling behavior. 
 

tog redux's picture

It's been two years. I don't think a baking session will change anything, as you said.

Failure to Launch is usually due to anxiety on the kid's part - he should also insist she be in therapy. 

Momof2Girls's picture

I have asked several times that she get therapy or we do family therapy. I do my own therapy, my therapist as said that my husband and SD need their own family therapy. Then COVID came so I felt like I couldn't push it.

Husband has said that if the expectations convo fails he will then set up therapy. 

DPW's picture

When would be a good time to talk to her? On August 31st? C'mon.

These spineless parents who are so afraid of their children and their possible reactions to parenting are ridiculous. If anything, it makes him a better parent to talk to her regularly about the future, helping her get set up so she can fly on her own. Hiding his head in the sand or attempting some grand day doing something special speaks a lot about his character. 

justmakingthebest's picture

DH here is timid to start any serious conversation that we have ever had with my SS. We discuss what we want to convey in advance but I usually can find a way to bring things up casually. DH takes over once the subject is broached but sometimes I have to help get the conversation there. 

I would just do this at dinner one night. Don't plan for it, just let/make it happen. 

"So, how was everyone's day?" blah, blah, blah "SD, have you thought about your plans for the fall yet?" Yes/No "Ok, well we need to figure out a plan going forward. Your father and I were talking and feel that if you do xyz, then ____ needs to happen" - Then let DH take it from there. Back him up but get it going. 

BethAnne's picture

Sometimes our partners want to do things slightly differently than we do. It might seem unnecessary to do the softening part to you, but your husband feels more comfortable bringing the topic up when he feels that sd is "relaxed". I would just go along with it. Tell your husband that if he wants to bake or take a walk with her and then talk with her that is fine, but agree together when that will happen. If he is going to have the conversation anyway, it doesn't really matter if it is a formal family meeting, over the breakfast table or while bringing cookies out of the oven. The conversation will have been had. Focus on your goal, don't put barriers in the way of your husband doing what you want him to do. He has agreed to have the conversation. That is a good thing. Agree on when he will do it. Don't involve yourself in the softening part if you don't want to and let him do it his way. The end result should be the same. 

Momof2Girls's picture

My therapist suggested we require SD to go back to consistent therapy to continue living with us. I know H is not going to go with this but too bad! This immature unable to launch behavior is not going to continue. Next step is me and H talking to my therapist 
 

Momof2Girls's picture

My husband avoiding therapy. SD mentions dorm life and now all is forgotten? 
how much longer do I keep playing this game? I don't want to break up my family, but this is killing me inside 

JRI's picture

What did she say about dorm life?  That sounds like a step in the right direction.  Can you engage her in conversation about it?

 

 

Momof2Girls's picture

She said she is thinking about going to a dorm. Conveniently classes are all online and not all the dorms are fully open for Fall. I think he anxiety will hold her back from taking this HUGE step to help her grow. I think dorm or some kind of on campus housing would be so good for her. She has no friends here, not one. She spends most nights with my 6 year old.

Ive asked that she do more around the house and help out more. All my thoughts go on deaf ears

Dogmom1321's picture

Just curious... where is BM? She did such a great job with PAS, I would figure SD would want to live there. 

Also, let's say SD does school. She should STILL pay for living with you. Part time job is totally feasible. Contribute towards the utilities. Find comparable apt prices nearby and she needs to pay that each month. Also, at 20 she should be helping MAJOR with the chores.

If SD is allowed to live at your house like it's a vacation, she will never want to leave. You need to have a talk with DH about SD being INDEPENDENT and SUCCESSFUL. Be real that his enabling is only hurting her. 

Momof2Girls's picture

BM is in another state. BM desperately wants SD to move back home. SD hates her step father and her mothers small one bathroom home. She won't go back. BM is probably the the closest person / friend SD has. 
so many issues none are being addressed for future success

Rags's picture

Pretty classic manipulation on both SD and DH's part. The kid throws the hopeful parent a bone, that parent latches on to a nothing token from the manipulator and then ignores reality with zero action from the manipulator.  

The manipulator goes back to their usual until the hopeful parent realizes that there is no real change in the manipulator then it all cycles over again.

Lather...........Rinse............Repeat.

Until the spouse of the deluded hopeful parent once again draws the line and forces some movement.

At least that is how the general sequence of events seems to repeatedly play out for so many who are living the blended family dream.

Maxwell09's picture

Your DH is a coward and if you go ahead and do it without him or take the lead in the discussion they will both blame you for these new restrictions.