I get along pretty well with my adult stepkids. We have had our issues, though, and much of that has been about my DH giving too much to his kids. At one point his son became addicted to painkillers, and as part of his recovery he has had to figure out how to live on his own, take responsibility for himself. He has been clean now for about three years and is actually taking care of himself, with minor help from us. The turnaround in his young man is remarkable, and I am beginning to cherish my relationship with him. Four years ago I wanted nothing to do with him and almost left my DH over surrounding issues.

SS feels good because he has his own accomplishments, pays his own way, isn't very dependent on anyone. We are working toward total independence as his income increases and his confidence grows. My DH struggles every day though with wanting to "help" his son. But that doesn't allow his son to have any victories, any self reliance, any sense of being a grown man.

These daddies that want to "help" are doing just the opposite. How in the world does a child learn to be independent if never given the opportunity?

:jawdrop: That's my husband, oh god help me

I was a single parent, raised my children, 2, 6 and 8 by myself to adulthood. No CS, no family. They all worked part time jobs from the age of 15. They have all gone into their chosen professions, all lived independently, and never asked for money for bread, let alone rent. They are married with families of their own now. All doing well thank God.

When I married my husband his children were all adults. My husband bought there cars, paid insurance, petrol, registration. They never worked, when he divorced they went from bludging off dad to bludging off the taxpayer and collected unemployment. Their father had never expected anything from or of them. Not even manners. They had grown to expect dad AKA the wallet to supply everything. Even when they had babies, they expected to foot the bills, and pay for the babies needs. They really had no clue that this was not how people in the real world lived. Dad paid for everything all their lives, bailed them out of trouble, paid debts they'd run up. He never allowed them to take care of themselves. Not even, well this is a loan, you have to pay it back. He never taught them to be self sufficient, responsible, independent, employable adults. He in the name of love crippled his kids.

All three don't even so much as speak to him now, he doesn't see them, or his grand children. Nice thanks dad. But then again, when the money ran out, so did they. Something he always feared. That I guess is why he did his best to cripple them, to make sure they always needed him, that they would struggle to live without him. Then one day things changed. He could no longer be a bottomless pit of money. They had to fend for themselves, they can't and they hate him.

My husband said he was doing it for his kids, he wasn't. He was doing it for himself, he had a fear of letting them go and grow, so he didn't. Now they , my husband, his kids and his grandkids are all losers in this. It is not giving love, it is being selfish.

There is a wise old saying. Never do something for someone they can do for themselves, your not helping them, your crippling them.

OMG...here's my say so (gets on the soap box and addresses the husband)...

To whom this may concern:

Right now I'm sitting here wanting to tell you what happens when you enable a child and not let them grow up and accept responsibility. What they are doing is giving you the "broken home" guilt trip and you need to stop blaming yourself for doing what you thought was best for you and your children.
You married a lovely lady and you forget that she's in the picture too. She's dealing with children from another marriage that you are spoiling rotten and not giving her a chance to get to know them. Instead they are latching onto Daddy because the woman in Daddy's life is a stranger and not Mommy.
Well, that's too bad that they're that close minded that they have to look to their father for everything and anything they can do. They don't take responsibility for their actions and thus, you have children that are essentially spoiled brats that cannot do anything good for society much less themselves.

Case in point: I am the step mother to a young man that's in prison doing time for 2 first degree sexual assaults of a minor and 1 count of enticement. She was only 13 years old. His grandmother did everything for my SS; she gave him money, spoiled him rotten because he was her only grandson (that's a lie too). My DH raised him on his own the best way he could however when it came to disciplining him, SS would throw fits and get upset. He never had many friends, he never had a steady girlfriend, nothing. BOTH GRANDMOTHER and DH did NOTHING to get this child help except that he was tested for ADD/ADHD. They put him on the highest dose of medication just so that he could get through high school-that should've been a clue however, they both played dumb (and they're not) thinking this is what his problem was. He just needed lots of love and attention and needed help with everything because he has ADD/ADHD.

In October 2011, I had just moved to be with DH and we got a knock on the door by a detective looking for SS. He had to ask him some questions and we asked SS what it was about. He said there was a fight going on and that he saw what was going on. We didn't think much of it but the next morning, we took SS to the Police Department so the detective could ask him questions. Forty - five minutes later, the detective came out and well, we got the surprise of our lives: SS committed sexual assault not once but twice as well as enticing the girl on Facebook (where they had to get a subpoena of records for this). We were horrified and shocked. DH was in tears and I was angry as I too have been a victim of a crime similar to this. He confessed to everything and then was put into jail. It was all over the papers and was a complete embarassment to the family. Where did we go wrong, they asked themselves.
His grandmother posted $2500 bail and he walked out just as cocky and as arrogant as could be. It was all I could do not to pummel this kid in the ground for what he did but I didn't. I told DH to stop his mother and let the kid suffer from his consequences but he said he couldn't stop her. BS!!!!!!
So finally he was convicted and sentenced from 4-6 years in prison and well, he had a chance to make things right by staying here in town under a sex offender program for three years but he didn't. He went to a neighboring city because it would make his time in prison shorter. Dumb move.
So now, he's in general population in this correctional center and refuses to go to group therapy because "if they found out about what I did, they'd come after me". Oh well. Finally, DH and I went to counseling because this was all tearing us apart. We never had a chance to be married because we've had to deal with his mother and his son. When we read the final police report, we found out that SS raped a girl while he was a senior in high school but she never went to the police.
One word came to mind: SOCIOPATH
So, MIL and DH went to go see SS while he was in prison and all he talked about was getting out and going to the races and being himself. He didn't talk about how much he missed his family, how much he cared about him, how much he was willing to change..he didn't care. He would only pay attention to you if you gave him money and what he wanted. He never learned thank you, he never learned to appreciate anything anyone did for him. For several years, he never acknowledged his fathe ron Father's Day...
So, DH and I went to a counselor in regards to what was going on with our marriage and with SS. She previously worked with sex offenders where we lived and finally told DH that his son is a sociopath and that he will not get any better. She continued to say that his grandmother needs to stop sending him stuff and for him not to come to live with us. I also own a weapon and felons cannot be near a home that has a weapon. I am not giving up what I love for someone who couldn't give a d*mn about anyone but himself. I admitted to DH that I wanted nothing more to do with him that it was their fault for the reason SS is what he is. They spoiled him, they gave him everything but yet look what he did.
Counselor stated firmly that if out, he will do what he did again except it could result in something much worse. DH was not a bad father-he just compensated because SS's biological monster was not there to help him, not there to support him but all she cared about was her libido.

Your children need to grow up and you need to stop coddling the behavior. You let your wife be in MY position if one of your children did what my SS did. They need to grow the F*** up and you need to stop with them giving your the "broken home" guilt trip. Tell them to straighten up and you STRAIGHTEN UP!!! Get your head out of your butt and start seeing the light instead of the closed area in which you're stuck.

Goddess help me...*snarls*

Unless your husband is an IDIOT, he already knows he is not helping them by constantly helping them. The problem is not the step-kids. The problem is that your husband needs them to NEED HIM. You are wasting your time here...Unless your husband wants to see a therapist about the enabling issues he is having...you are spinning your wheels. Move on and ignore the relationship his kids have with him. Your step son only told you that crap about his dad always being there for him - blah-blah-blah to mess with your head. You cannot make your husband change his behavior. Move on from this battle. You will only end up sounding like a naggin wife.