Plan for 2021
Forums:
To make my SD20's life miserable. I plan to push her to be an freaking adult and stop acting so damn immature in my house. Just texted my H that she was being loud in kitchen when our young kids are trying to sleep.
I am ready for her to move out!! I wish it could happen now but I'm being generous to let her stay till she finishes school next year.
I'm putting my foot down this year. She needs to stop manipulating my husband with her tears and still trying to manipulate her mother at the same time.
SD is soon to be 21 and still wants to act like she is 12. Time to grow up!!
I am scared shitless she won't survive in a dorm in the Fall. I am literally going to have to throw her out. How will my marriage survive??
Ii feel for you. could not
Ii feel for you. could not live with that. I would definitely push to get her out. OSD is only 14 and her loud, obnoxious overly dramatic behavior is by far one of the most painfully irritating things I have ever dealt with. I am thankful at this time I only have to deal with her 3x a year.
Based on your prior posts, it
Based on your prior posts, it seems you just hate the fact that you have an SD. So I guess my question to you is why did you settle for a man who already had a daughter? She was in the picture before you came along and she will ALWAYS be in the picture. Either accept that or move on. But this post just makes you seem incredibly immature. Stop being possessive of this man. He has a daughter and a lifetime commitment to her, whether you like it or not. Nothing will change that.
Are you a stepparent?
Are you a stepparent?
The child lived with BM full
The child lived with BM full-time and now as an ADULT, is living in OP's home. She could easily live in a dorm or off-campus, given that she's now a grown woman. Or if she wants to live with them, she could behave better and help out rather than causing problems.
OP, if your marriage can't survive you wanting a grown child to move out of your house, then it's rocky to begin with. Personally, I think you have to cause enough ruckus that he becomes afraid of losing you, instead of vice versa.
I disagree with you.
I disagree with you.
The daughter will always be his daughter, yes that is true, but he does not have a "lifelong commitment" to her.
She is an adult and should be perfectly capable of fending for herself. We are not "committed" to funding and enabling our children when they are adults. The fact that the OPs stepdaughter is still hanging round being a nuisance speaks volumes to the fact that her father is weak and an enabler.
We love our kids, but we don't have to like, support or enable shitty behaviour.
I wouldn't worry about her
I wouldn't worry about her not surviving in a dorm - that is not your problem. She is more than old enough to be standing on her own two feet. If you feel she manipulates your DH, then he needs to change, and ensure that she is no longer able to do this. SD will never change, as she is being enabled by both her bio parents, to be a huge cuckoo, beak ever open.
Background. SD moved in with
Background. SD moved in with us 2.5 years ago to go to college. She lived with her BM which was a parent allienated home. SD relationship with my husband is not strong and they communicate mainly via text. Drives me crazy.
SD suffers major social anxiety and was sheltered / babied growing up from BM. I suggested therapy two years ago to her and my husband. No one will go, and he won't make her go. I did my own therapy.
It's a never ending cycle that has to stop. She is slowly making progress from where she was 2.5 years ago but she is still immature as hell. She needs to work on the social anxiety to really be able to live in the real world on her own.
My husband and I agree she should be in a dorm in the Fall. I guess I'm just venting. He has started to make decorating plans for her room, so that's a good sign? Lol
She's immature because she's
She's immature because she's always lived with a parent. She gets a pass in my book because she is going to school and that will theoretically lead to independence later on. Kidults change when they actually go away to school and live with roomies or in the dorms. I saw huge changes in my DS but he went off directly after high school. Reality will be the ultimate therapy for SD, that is IF Dh allows her to experience it.
There is immature but
There is immature but approaching age 21 and still wanting to do activities that my 6 and 9 year old do is immature. She has been sheltered, has not been given the tools to grow into adulthood. She has only seen the possibilities living in my home. She was clueless prior.
therapy would do her wonders but will only work if she is open
IMHO your marriage will not
IMHO your marriage will not survive.... if you do not find the burning platform that gets this semi-adult to launch.
Spouses are committed to each other. They and their marriage are the uncontested priority for each of them. Period.
Kids are not, nor should they ever take priority over the marriage and the partners. Ever. Period. DOT!
However, kids, minor kids that is, are the top responsibility for the partners in a marriage. Responsibility and priority are two very different things. But... regardless of kid biology, they do not trump the relationship. "Your" kid, "my" kid, or "our" kid.... it makes no difference. Top responsibility while they are minors, never the priority over the relationship.
IMHO of course.
As for adult kids.... they launch. Period. If they choose not to launch, they do what they are told, when they are told, and how they are told. If they have a problem with that, they can GTF out and finish raising themselves on their own time and their own dime.
My SS-28 was never a significant behavioral problem. He was a fairly dedicated periodic under performer though. So, we landed on the 18 and out model for him. We did not kick him out. We just lit a fire under his butt that made remaining in our home more uncomfortable and unpleasant than he was willing to accept. His mom and I agreed on the model, and we both kept stoking the fire on the burning platform he was inhabiting until he decided to launch.
He graduated from HS at 17. We gave him the summer on our dime up until his 18th birthday at the end of the summer. The day after his birthday we handed him his chore schedule. Since he had chosen to not attend university, on our dime anywhere he wanted to go, and he was not interested in getting a job, On day 18yrs +1 he became our live in chore bitch and beck and call boy. We worked that kids butt off. From the time we left for work until after we went to bed he cleaned, dusted, swept, vacuumed, mopped, polished, shined, scrubbed, trimmed, weeded, painted, washed, folded, put away, sliced, diced, chopped, cut, prepped, cooked, served, loaded, unloaded, cleaned, dried, etc.... And the next day, day in and day out, he did it all over again. He ate with us. When we went on a trip, he joined us, when we went out for dinner, he usually came with us.
After 4mos of this, he signed up for 6yrs in the USAF on the delayed entry program. We kept working his butt off for 4 more mos until he reported for BMT. Tomorrow it will be 3mos until he reaches the 10 year anniversary of his enlistment. He is doing great. His mom and I are very proud of him. He has chosen to make the USAF his first career and will be eligible for retirement in 10 more years.
Being a parent is an emotional experience. However, being a successful parent requires that intellect over rides emotion and kids are parented in a manner that drives them to meet standards of behavior and performance and launch into adulthood at an appropriate time on an appropriate schedule. No two kids are the same, one kid may not require as much prodding, as much fuel for their burning platform, than another. Parents that do not parent with a plan for raising their child(ren) to self supporting viable adulthood, are not worthy of a true equity life partner.
Light a fire under SD-20's butt. If daddy does not like it, light a fire under his butt too.
Good luck.
I suggested therapy two years
So you did therapy for THEIR issues?? No way in hell would I let a weak man and his shitty adult daughter cause me so much grief that I am the one who ends up in counseling. You said he won't make her go to therapy? My solution is either she goes to therapy or she gets the hell out. It's beyond ridiculous that you are the one who had to take time out your schedule to attend counseling when they are the ones with the issue.
Levilleg said
People don't have lifetime commitments to their kids. Why do you think they are considered to be an adult when they are 18 years old? I understand giving an 18 year old a few more years to launch. However, that is a privilege not something that adult kid is entitled to. What is wrong with some of these adult kids anyway imposing on their parent or parents' new life with their stepdad or stepmom? There is no way I would want to live with or infringe on others life like that (parent or not). It's pathetic and amounts to nothing but trouble.
Lol - a lifetime commitment!
Lol - a lifetime commitment! Not even my own, still-together parents would let me still live at home much past 21. The few times i bounced back, they "lit the platform", as Rags calls it! The poster you refer to only hops in to shame stepparents for their posts and take up for skids and bioparents. Yes, i was so bored earlier i searched. Literally that's all they have ever posted. I'll take their advice with a huge grain of salt.
Lifetime commitment is
Lifetime commitment is ridiculous. Once an adult should launch. My own two kids will not be living at home past 21. I've started to put my foot down. My plan for 2021 is to be more assertive with her and my husband. I already told him she is out once done school. I plan to let her know this too very soon.
hopefully once she knows she is out at graduation she will cry to BM and move back there.
Yes I understand that, she
Yes I understand that, she will always be part of our family. I just want her to be be and act like an adult and move out sooner than later
Definitely get her out in the fall
Either a dorm or an off-campus apartment. She will stay emotionally stunted unless she gets out from under your DH. Make sure she knows she is welcome to visit but moving back home is not an option. Necessity is the mother of invention as well as launching immature kids.