SD / Therapy Update
So finally talked to my therapist with my husband present. I spoke my truth that I think SD is failure to launch and that my husband is putting her needs, wants and feelings before mine. I said that at 20 years old she is an adult and should be able to have normal adult conversations and set expectations. My husband said she is not normal 20 year old. So then my therapist said well is she in therapy and why not?
My therapist said that a lot of the failure to launch is due to anxiety and issues need to be dealt with a professional. Dad cannot fix all her problems. I also made it clear that I want a timeline set with her, 3 years and then she has to be on her own.
my husband agreed during the call to talk to SD20 about going to therapy. We then hung up and he said my therapist is biased and he needs his own therapist ( which I totally agree!) and said he needs to wait to talk to her about therapy.
so he did casually talk to SD20 about therapy but didn't push it or ask for her to actually go, or even go with him to therapy.
The one thing I'm really asking for is therapy for both of them and I don't think it's going to happen. I made it clear during the call that I am angry and resentful at the situation that has been going on now for 2 years.
I'm at a loss, he talked to her yesterday about expectations, getting her own place in the future and she did say she might go to a dorm (when who the hell knows) but I still think the therapy is needed.
do I keep pushing it??
The therapist is right,
The therapist is right, failure to launch is mostly about anxiety. Therapy for her should be mandatory.
The other piece she needs is her father to push her to be more independent.
I think you need to focus on
I think you need to focus on the marriage and how this situation with SD is affecting it. This is a DH problem but the solutions are up to SD. Men have traditionally had the role of kicking the kids out of the nest. Divorce somehow messes this up. Doesn't he have dreams of a self functioning adult offspring? If he is missing having a child around to parent, get him a puppy. IMO he's too scared of SD when he should be scared of you his wife. 3 years to launch is too long. I couldn't waste that much of my life on that folly.
SD's have no problem telling daddy to choose but when a wife does it over a wallet sucking deadbeat unlaunchable skid, we are evil. I don't think so and maybe it time to play hardball with DH.
Why did you give her 3 more years?
Why did you give her 3 more years? You have already given her 2 years, and she has been told at least once she either needs to be in school or working if she wants to continue to live with you. I don't see how you are going to survive 3 more years unless things radically change. I think we all know DH isn't going to insist SD attend therapy, nor is he going to go himelf.
Right?! 4 years? 6 months
Right?! 4 years? 6 months tops!
Our rules are in school or
Our rules are in school or working full time to continue living with us. She plans to be in school this Fall so I can't say kick her out while she attends school. My husband really just needs to understand that I am basically tolerating her continuing to live with us.
he said today she wants to go to the beach just the three of us. I was like why can't she ask some co workers to go. She's 20, not 12!!!!
Was she working full time or in school before COVID hit?
Was she working full time or in school before COVID hit?
She works PT and takes online
She works PT and takes online classes all before and during COVID. This is the first semester she has done well in school and passed all her clases
I don't understand young people
I too feared the launch and had made no plans to leave the nest after high school graduation. The first clue something was amiss was when I received luggage and dishes as graduation gifts. When that failed, my mother drove me to the state university and signed me up for classes. It was the 80's and somehow my grades were good enough that I didn't have to take an SAT so I was in. I was a late admission so I ended up in the dorm with no sinks in the rooms. They dropped my off one fine August day and I never looked back. I was 17 at the time. Who knows where I would have been had that not happened.
You have great parents.
You have great parents. Unlike so many these days.
My SS was one who had no plan nor any intent to launch after HS. We offered him the Mkm and Dad full meal deal scholarship anywhere on the planet he wanted to go and get accepted to. He had no interest. After we bugged the crap out of him to get applications in his entire Sr. year he finally sat us down to te us he knew school was important but they he was not ready to do the work and it would be a waste of his time and our money. We made it clear. He could live at home rent free if he was a full time student, worked full time or worked part time and went to school part time. He wanted to be a professional sofa rodeo rider. So, we turned him into our live in beck and call boy/chore bitch and worked his tailbone off. We gave him the summer after HS graduation until his 18th birthday to kick his heels up. Then we hit him with the chore list.
That kid scrubbed, cleaned, polished, dusted, swept, vacuumed, mopped, washed folded, weeded, trimmed, mulched, painted, sliced, diced, chopped cut, cooked cleaned up, and then did it all over again day after day for months.
Then he joined the USAF. He just had his 9th service anniversary two months ago. He finished his ASCS a year ago and is working on finishes BSCS.
We are proud of him.
As I am sure your parents are of you.
I got luggage too! It was a
I got luggage too! It was a great gift, and the message was clear.
My parents loved me and weren't afraid to parent.
Luggage! An excellent graduation gift!
I gave older DD a set for her graduation. Unfortunately she failed to take the hint, choosing instead to stay around the house being a total PITA. So I packed the luggage for her (none too carefully) and set it outside the locked front door (none too gently).
Unfortunately it was 2 weeks (2 freakin' weeks) before her 18th birthday. She and her Daddee (my ex, now deceased, bless his soul) called the cops, and I was in the soup. Good times.
It's not just step moms who suffer from Daddees wrapped around the axle of filial love.
Everyone has anxiety. We
Everyone has anxiety. We push through it because we have to. That's how we grow.
DH sounds like he's the one
DH sounds like he's the one who can't let go. He used sd as a replacement spouse after his marriage now he's codependant on her and vice versa. Dad needs to let his *little girl* grow up. DH will think any therapist who tells him otherwise is biased. You're just going to have to keep pushing and being the evil one since DH has no clue how to and doesn't want to help her launch.
My husband thinks since she
My husband thinks since she is moving forward with plans for college and "talking" about dorms we can drop therapy talk. He hasn't made an appt for himself either.
I need a therapist to help us communicate better because what I want to get across is that I am TOLERATING SD living with us and when is she moving out!!??
Take care of you!
I'm glad you went to therapy...now just KEEP going on your own since DH already isn't into it...I hate to say this but narcissists hate it when people (try to) hold them accountable and are forthright with them (calling them out on their sh*t). Therapy can help you so much and if DH and/or SD want to get better, then they know what they need to do. No need to remind or badger them to go, just do your thing! I went through this in the past and I continued to attend therapy and became a 'better' me and they just kept on being rotten.
Just my two cents...maybe more ;-)
Yes, you keep pushing it.
Yes, you keep pushing it.
Therapy won't work if they are not willing.
Both your DH and DD obviously do not think they have a problem - other than you! I wouldn't count on therapy being the answer. Like others have noted, just one generation ago people were expected to move out, go to college or work and get a place of their own/shared with others ... at the age of 18!!!
No way would I wait another couple of years for this case of arrested development to figure out what she wants. Imagine if she becomes pregnant during the next few years - you will be stuck with her and gskid for LIFE!
Wanted to add...
I certainly hope you won't be picking up the tab for any therapy if they do go, but expect your DH probably will!
That scares the shit out of
That scares the shit out of me. SD is being passive aggressive, thinking about dorms. It makes my H back off and not push her while she just lives comfortably in my own.
she won't survive a dorm with all her social anxiety!
She'll survive and might even thrive...
I've seen young women face dorm life in college and end up embracing their freedom! Either way, Daddeeee will be footing the bill to support an adult that can work and be on their own.
My two girls father is my
My two girls father is my husband. I have brought up him setting up therapy about 3x. He says long wait times, blah. I feel like it's always going to be an excuse to get it set up. I know he is open to talking to a therapist just doesn't want to make it a priority to get an appt.
we continue to fight and argue now infront of all kids and I know SD is always listening when not in the room with us.
I seriously have so much anger towards her living here and I don't see her moving out..