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Family Vacation?

Momof2Girls's picture

I thought I would post to get opinions thoughts on my newest aggravation.

I have planned to go to Hawaii this summer with my family, husband and two girls (both under 9 yo). I talked to my husband and he said well SD21 should be invited, and I said fine but better if she go with a friend, and have someone to do activities with. We discussed with SD21, she said she would think about it and has no friends to ask to accompany her. Ok mind you a trip to Hawaii for 4 is expensive, and adding another grown adult is even more. She wants to come she has to pay. 
so... SD21 does want to come and my husband told her she can come but has to find her own place to stay and find her own activities during the day! "We will do some dinners together" 

Of course I don't want SD21 going on this trip, she is going to stay at her own place and then what be calling my husband everyday to do something? This is so awkward to me. 
She has no plan of where she will stay. My husband threw her a bone and booked her flight there (so he can feel like he doing something to include her) now she is on her to pay for flight home and hotel.

I honestly want to wait 3 weeks see if she has a place booked to stay and if not, then just cancel my whole damn trip! 

my fear is she will just go with us on the flight and say oh can I stay in your hotel room?!

am I crazy? Or do I just go and say you are on your own? My husband is acting like she is going on her own vacation.




tog redux's picture

How bizarre. "You can come with us, but you have to find your own accommodations and we will see you every now and again". Of course she's going to want to do stuff with you guys! Seems to me that both you and SD21 have the right to be annoyed and cancel. 

I think I'd tell him to go with her, and take the 2 kids elsewhere myself. 

caninelover's picture

This is neither here nor there.  If she's going to join she should stay with the family.  If she's not welcome to join then tell her its just you two and the young kids this trip.  But this way makes no sense.

A 21 year old is not entitled to join on vacations.  And its ridiculous to expect a 21 year old to pay their own portion of an expensive Hawaii hotel.  If she's invited, invite her and tell your DH to pay her share of the lodging.  Again, if you don't want her to go - then tell your DH she isn't invited this trip.

If your DH has a problem with excluding SD21 then just go with your two bios.

Hesitant to try's picture

I agree this is odd. You're either taking a family vacation and inviting children to join you (including paying) or you're not. Asking family to join but then telling them what they need to pay for seems very odd and confusing. And unless this 21 yr. old is far more successful than most, I don't see her being able to pay for this trip for herself. If you can't afford to treat her to this trip, or if you don't want her on this trip, she should never have been invited to join. 

IDontCare3117's picture

OP doesn't like her SD, and never has.  OP doesn't want SD on this vacation.  Good, bad, or indifferent, that's the truth.

tog redux's picture

Agreed - but DH's solution is kooky. Either insist she's full member of the family and going with, or leave her at home and take a separate trip with her. He's trying to please both of them, which doesn't work. 

caninelover's picture

So when DH first suggested it, just say no - she doesn't fit in with you or the kids so DH should do a seperate trip with SD21 later.

ndc's picture

If that's the case, OP should have been very upfront with her husband that she did NOT want him to invite SD.  She didn't do that.

Harry's picture

Make sure he pays for SD flight and hotel room.  So you know she has a place to stay. Away from you. He has time to get a second job to pay for it.   There no reason for a 21 yo to get a free vacation.  She is not going to like doing thing 9 yo like doing.

Just another guilty Bio dad, showing his guilt, not caring how he screws up his new family 

ndc's picture

Why in the world would your husband invite his daughter to come and then expect her to pay for everything, do her own activities and stay separately from you?  Especially since she isn't bringing a friend and she'll be alone.  It would have been better not to invite her at all.  In all reality, the way he's treating it, she's not on your family vacation at all.  Either it's going to play out that she IS with you, which will likely annoy YOU, or she's going to be on her own, which won't be fun for her and will likely end up not being good for your husband's relationship with her.  It just sounds like a lose/lose situation all around.  I'd be inclined to tell him to disinvite her (maybe make plans for a separate, shorter and less expensive vacation for the two of them), and if he doesn't want to do that, cancel the trip if you can do so without losing a lot of money.

FWIW, if my father invited me to go on vacation with him, he would pay.  I love my parents and enjoy spending time with them, but if I'm going to pay for a vacation, I likely would not choose to take it with my parents.  What they would want to do (and what they can afford) is different from what I want to do and can afford.

Momof2Girls's picture

Some more background. Yes I hate her that's why I never invited her to go. When we first mentioned the trip she had a fit that she had to pay. I went to Hawaii when I was in college like her. My mom paid for my flight (who also went on the trip) BUT I went with two friends and we paid for our condo rental and car. It was enjoyable trip cause I was with friends but also did things with my Mom and sister.

my husband won't pay for a room for her. He hasn't asked me to find a bigger place either. It's like he wants to please us both, but asking her to stay somewhere else and pay for it is crazy unless she has a friend or two to split the cost. We told her that the girls will be doing kid activities and we will be doing our thing.

husband thinks she is an adult and wants to go with her money then let her. But WTF, she has no plan of where to stay or how is she going to get around the island?

I think she should have the opportunity to go but make it her own trip and if she had friends more enjoyable. 

she has been living with us now for 3 years, she finally is going to a dorm in the Fall. We have to push her into adulthood. She has no clue.

caninelover's picture

I just don't think applying your past experience to your SD will work here.  She is different and as you noted suffers from social anxiety and has no friends to go with her.  That is the key difference.

DH is not realistic - if he doesn't want to pay and SD can't pay then she can't go.  

Since this train has already left the station, I would give SD a deadline for finding a suitable rental for helself including arranging payment, and make clear that she cannot stay in your room.  If she doesn't find anything by that deadline I would tell her she's not going.

Option 2 is to just cancel the whole affair and start over with planning a trip.  This time be upfront and if SD is not welcome than don't invite her at all.

Its good that she is being nudged out of the nest, though.

Momof2Girls's picture

I made it clear to Husband that I think he should cancel her flight unless she has a clear plan and place to stay, I want that laid out by June 1, trip is in July.


I don't want a stressed out trip 

Stepdrama2020's picture

would I do a skid vacation again. Did it once. CRAPOLA! So glad that marriage is gonzo along with snotface B SD,

You already dislike the girl. You know she will be a thorn in your side. The trip is already ruined by the thought of her coming.

Girl i give you credit to even consider it. Vacations to Hawaii is supposed to be tropical paradise, dont let it be ruined.

bertieb's picture

This is why I just didn't take trips until I knew we weren't going to have to decide whether to bring the older kids. One trip with my SS and daughter together sulking half the time was enough for me. Hawaii is an expensive trip. If you have to take her you are not going to enjoy it unless this stuff is worked out ahead of time to everyone's satisfaction.  If you refuse to take her you will have tension with your husband and her going forward. Sounds like a no win situation to me.

Miss T's picture

NO to the SD tagging along. If guilty Daddee can't bring himself to reneg on his offer to princess, NO you won't be going. 

Don't spend days of your life in misery you could have avoided. Don't waste precious vacation time in a tropical paradise. You'll have a much better time if you give this dog's breakfast a pass.

The suggestion to frame your refusal as reluctance to accede to covid restrictions is an excellent one. What kind of vacation is it if you have to take health precautions with everything you do?

Rags's picture

This is just shitty.

Paying half of SD's airfare while making it clear that she is neither welcome nor part of the family.

If I were SD my answer to daddy's offer would be no thank you and fuck you very much.

still learning's picture

Sorry, I haven't kept up on your blogs, but my understanding is that she lives with you and is going to school.  Options here are that she stays home and house sits, thus earning her keep. Or she can come on the family vacation and be a part of everything. It doesn't sound feasible that she'll be able to afford her own accommodations in Hawaii.  Your DH's solution seems rude and unrealistic.  Perhaps she can pitch in for her portion of the trip or stay home and save up for next time.  

IDontCare3117's picture

Her DH's solution is rude and unrealistic!  It's like inviting someone to a birthday party and telling them they won't get a piece of a cake, a place to sit or any party favors, but still insisting they bring a gift.  

caninelover's picture

Right?  It's exactly like that!  No thank you...

Momof2Girls's picture

It's not feasible for her to pay for this trip. She MIGHT have a place to stay if her babysitting family is overly generous which I think would be extreme. 
The more I read everyone's comments, the story sounds so ridiculous. We are going to Hawaii, but plan your own vacation but I'll pay for your one way ticket and maybe some dinners. I would say fuck off.

she does live with us and work very minimal hours. She goes to school online. No social life. She spends 90% of her time in her room. 
I think my best solution is canceling the trip. If she is so excited to go on a vacation by herself then she can still go.

Winterglow's picture

I think that finding a reason to cancel would be the easiest path for everyone. And the least offensive. 

Did your dh do as he did to make it look as if it was your idea so you'd be thrown under the bus? 

Momof2Girls's picture

I haven't mentioned to DH yet that I want to cancel. I wanted to wait a few weeks to see if she actually books a place to stay, then say well she has no plan so she is not going to stress me out on an expensive vacation. He's probably going to think I'm nuts cancelling, telling me not worry about her plans?! Yeah and then she invades our space and calling him everyday to do something. 
the invitation was extended if she brought someone to do stuff with. This is not the ideal situation. It boggles my mind as to why she would want to go alone. 

FinallySkidFree's picture

This is super mean. I would never dream of going on vacation, DH inviting a Skid and then telling them "Oh by the way - you're on your own." Not cool...Skid or not. It's just human decency.

Momof2Girls's picture

UPDATE.  I told husband that I think I might cancel the whole trip because I don't want the stress of SD. He said don't worry about her. She has to make her own plan, accommodations, rides and flight home. I said that's expensive.  He said she is an adult and wants to go so let her. I said I don't want her being disruptive on our expensive vacation. He said she won't be. We will have a few dinners with her and that's it, she has to make her own plans. 

so he doesn't want to cancel at all and wants her to figure out what she is doing for her trip. It's so messed up to me and seriously so damn awkward. 

IDontCare3117's picture

Just cancel the dang trip.  Your DH was insane for inviting SD, then putting impossible conditions on it for her.

It was insulting to SD, and insulting to you.  

I wouldn't want to take the trip now if someone paid me.  

tog redux's picture

Find a girlfriend/sister/niece to go with you and leave DH home with SD.

What a stupid plan. He's trying to please both of you but not making either one happy.

Momof2Girls's picture

I still can cancel. I have time and get all my money back. I'll see how this plays out. She doesn't know how to plan, and is been tasked to get another job. A new job might prohibit her from taking a week off? I can dream right 

caninelover's picture

Sorry to be blunt but this is so messed up.  Just cancel and work on getting SD more independent and schedule a different vacation - and this time be clear it is bio kids only.  He can do a separate trip with SD if he wants.

She is 21 - set this boundary now otherwise it will be an issue on all future trips with your kids.  She can't go, period.

EvieLou's picture

What your DH has planned sounds very odd indeed.  Don't really understand why she wants to go - he's basically saying, come with us but you're not really welcome and we don't really want to spend any time with you either.  It's a very bizzare situation - is he just hoping she will turn round and say she can't afford to go etc.  I personally would not want to go if it were me - on holiday with family but made to feel a complete outsider.  Not nice.