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How do you get over the jealousy?

Elizabeth's picture

It is a bit wrenching for me to admit that I am jealous of SD21, but here it is.

I am jealous because, it seems, my DH loves her above all else. Even after all these years and the crappy way she has treated him and how good I have been to him, she still seems to be No. 1.

SD21 took a long trip to California over Christmas break this year. I of course was told nothing about this.

But I discovered DH bought her a three-piece set of luggage for this trip. (while I have to make due with old luggage pieces that don't match for any trip I might take)

Also, she is a college student. How does she have the money for a long trip? (I never took long vacations to another state while I was in college, I couldn't afford it)

And I discovered DH was helping her find a hotel, which likely means he paid a good portion. She was giving him a list of her wants in terms of what the hotel offers, and he was promising to find what she wanted. (when we travel we have to stay at inexpensive places that typically do not have amenities like a pool, etc.)

DH was helping SD plan this trip and buying her luggage back in November, I presume as some sort of Christmas "reward." (meanwhile for my Christmas I got from him a gift card bought on Christmas Eve. That's it)

I know there are a lot of issues here, most of them surrounding DH, but it eats at me that SD gets the best of him and I get the leftovers, if there are any.


new to this's picture

I wish I could offer some great advise but unfortunately I'm right there with you. It's like she gets all the BFF stuff that I crave for in a husband I'm just left to be the sex partner. I was hoping the new year would bring new changes but don't think anything will ever change unless I just decide to move out and make the change on my own. (((hugs)))))

zerostepdrama's picture

I can understand this.

DH acts like its a huge deal for us to go out and do dinner and a movie every once and awhile, yet he seems excited to do this with YSD and MSD. Well to be honest sometimes it seems like he just feels obligated to the skids, but he seems more positive about it with them, then me. It hurts my feelings. Like here I am taking care of him 24/7 and he seems annoyed to take me to dinner. Yet the skids use him and he is more then happy to take them somewhere.

I think some of it has to do with, DH sees me every day. He doesnt see his kids every day, so he makes more of an effort. I think at times our DHs take us for granted because we are here every day.

Also some of it is your DH is just trying to be a dad. He is trying to help SD out in something that she needs/wants. I also think that your DH has a lot of guilt and is trying to be SD's love.

I tend to get jealous at times but I have to remember that these are DH's kids. He (imo) isnt there for them like he should be in other ways. So if he is excited to have lunch/dinner with his kids I shouldnt be jealous. I truly do have him most of the time.

Another thing, I have to SHOW DH how to treat me. If I feel like he is slacking with taking me to dinner/movie, etc I make the plans myself, for us. Once he is out and about, he is happy about it. I show DH what kind of things are going to make me happy. I think this in a way is what your SD is doing. She is showing DH how to be involved in her life. She is getting him involved (even if her intentions are wrong) but she is showing him what is going to make her happy.

I am very outspoken and make sure that DH knows he has to step up his game and appreciate me. Do you do this with your DH?

zerostepdrama's picture

Agree! At some point you have to take charge of your own happiness. You are responsible for it. Not DH.

I dont think the issue so much is about what DH is doing for SD but it is about what he is NOT doing for YOU. SD demands that DH does X,Y, Z for her and he does it.

Like I said in my post above, sometimes you have to show men what they need to do to meet your needs.

Justme54's picture

I would not call it jealousy. It is more like resentment. I hear where your are coming from. DH promise me the moon, if I quit my job. DH did NOT have the assets for us to get a bigger home. I told him I am not asking for new home as I do not want a house note or building an addition to my house. However, my house is old and need a lot home improvements. I quit my job. Just as I thought, needy MIL got dumbed on me. We spent money on MIL, 2 entitled adult weddings at age 28 and 35 and DH got his expensive new truck with extra bells and whistles.

We still have not done all the home improvements he agreed to. With gas priced now low, I am rather worried that DH might lose his job this year.

Part of me feels like the manager of a Bed and Breakfast. I am lucky if DH takes the trash out.

BettyRay's picture

I don't think your husband will ever change, this has been going on for such a long time. Sad

I think you could minimize the resentment your feeling by separating your finances. I think if you deposited your pay checks into your own account and then submitted funds for half the mortgage, utilities and groceries to the joint account you'd feel less frustrated about DH financing SD21's lifestyle on your dime.

I'd open the account and let DH know after the fact. Then maybe you could afford some of those luxuries for you, your DDs.

I'm sorry he treats you like this. Too bad he's blind to his affair with his daughter destroying your relationship.


Totalybogus's picture

If you want a 3 piece luggage set - go buy it. Don't wait for him to do it for you. I know we sometimes expect our spouses to read our minds, I have been guilty of this too, but they simply can't. Sure it would be nice if they would man up and be better husbands to us, but unless we make them, they won't.

Let him know your expectations and what the consequence will be if he does not meet them, just like SD does.

zerostepdrama's picture


SD is getting what she wants from DH because she is demanding it from him. And like most men, they cant handle a lot, so because he does for SD, he doesnt have any energy left for you.

This is what I found out about DH and the "dates" with the girl skids. Because he already went to dinner and a movie this month (this week, the past 2 weeks, whatever) he didnt want to do it again. Well that wasnt fair to me.

So I basically started making plans for us. Over time he has gotten better about it.

Elizabeth's picture

For those of you saying I need to tell/ask DH for what I want, I am sure you are right. I am not very good at this. However, for our anniversary I really wanted us to go out and so I found a place for our two BDs to go so DH and I could go to dinner. I told him about it and he put on the brakes, saying he didn't want to pay that much ($20 each) for our two BDs to be cared for while we had an anniversary dinner. So we did not go out at all. The times I do express what I want/need, it doesn't work too well either.

zerostepdrama's picture

This is when you say "Look you have no problem paying $40 for you and SD to go out to eat. So you are going to pay $40 for us, husband and wife, to go out to eat."

Doesnt DH use a lot of your money to pay for stuff for SD? I'd stop being so generous. You are basically paying for him to spoil SD while you get screwed. I am too stingy with my money to allow that to happen.

Totalybogus's picture

It was at that point you should have told him this wasn't a request, that your relationship needs this. If he still balks about it, tell him he'll be paying you more to live somewhere else.

Elizabeth's picture

I think I was hurt that our relationship was not worth the $40 to my DH for us to have some alone time.

Justme54's picture

Positive note...Did your DH spend too much on his daughter's Christmas? Maybe so...he is not supporting her. Your DH may not be much for gift buying. My DH is no good at it. Like the other ladies are telling you...Tell DH what you want.

Look at the glass not half empty but half full.

Example: In reference to DH, do I think the money we sent on MIL and entitled Skids wedding outrageous? Yes, I do. Do I feel our home improvement should have came first. Yes, I do. We have made some improvement. As for DH's new truck, I think buying a new truck with extra bells and whistles is like throwing money out the window. However, DH did buy late model new truck that was meeting me half way on the issue.

Many SM's on here have adult skids in their 20's or even 30's living in their house. Many of these adult skids do NOT even work. Like my mother use to say...NO matter how bad it is...IT COULD BE WORSE.

Justme54's picture

Where were both BD going and for how long? I am guessing this may have been an event with things for them to do. DH might have looked at it as paying $40 for a couple hours of babysitting. If so, DH was being closed minded on cost of the $40. Give me some feedback.

Elizabeth's picture

Yeah, it was a playday type thing at a local gymnastics studio. Activities, dinner, etc. A "parents night out" event. And frankly, with what babysitters cost these days, we wouldn't have been able to get one at our own house for much less than $40. And they NEVER do this type of thing. I thought it was a win-win for all of us. And, keep in mind, he did not propose an alternative arrangement so we could enjoy our anniversary. He just shot that one down.

Justme54's picture

That sounds like my DH...close minded. We were to stay at the hotel were SS35 was getting married. It was almost $200 night with discount. WTF! I told DH, I am NOT flying half way across the country for a 3 might stay. I asked SS, if hotel would give us a discount for 2 more nights. SS35 never called back. I took matters in my own hands. I found a hotel 2 blocks away just as nice...for $113 a night. DH wanted to stay in the fancy hotel then drag our bags to the cheaper hotel for our 2 night couple time. WTF! Hell NO! SS35 said he might have to pay for the room, if we canceled. BULLSHIT! We never booked the room. I told DH...SS35 is getting a discount on his dog and pony wedding for booked rooms. I am NOT that stupid. I told him, you better get this shit straight. AND HE DID!

You need to have a COME TO JESUS meeting with DH. It is good to be frugal and save for rainy days. Being frugal all the time as a couple is NOT going to cut it. Your DH sounds a lot my DH. DH makes very good money. I had a yard service when I was single. The yard man gave up being self-employed and got a job. DH says he likes the exercise. DH works 7/7. I...NOT DH mows the yard 60% and I do 100% of landscaping yard work. I am ok for to the yard work but that is not the point.