You are here

sloppy seconds?

g-nuh's picture

does anyone else feel like you are getting sloppy seconds sometimes?

im 30, never been married, have no children and now engaged with a sd6.
he's already been there-done that and sometimes im jealous of bm because she got it all- and now i have her leftovers, including her child...

short vent.

caregiver1127's picture

I always say that DH's ex was the dress rehearsal and I am the opening night and every night after until the play closes - which will be when one of us dies because I am too old to get back out there and start dating again - lol Wink

Also when I was dating DH and did not understand the shit storm I was entering I gave him a card that read:

I may not be your first but I love knowing I will be your last!! He still has it in his desk drawer and told me he loved the card!!

blendedfamilyinsanity's picture

YES I totally agree! That was a huge issue for me at first. My fiance was never married, however he has two kids, one girl and one boy. I feel like nothing we share together with our children will ever be special or important because he has been there done that! But I do like "caregiver's" comment, at least you know you will be his last! Smile

Denys's picture

Wow it sounds so familiar! The excitement of getting married or having a child..... is the same....he said to me well lets do something very small because for everybody around is not like a big deal and for him it was like ive done that already....wow i get so angry just thinking about that.

caregiver1127's picture

Yeah but Alliegh726 wait until that boy pops out there is something about a father and his son - he will feel totally different about his son mark my words and a boy will be so different they are just so different than girls - I only have a DD but I see how my friends boys are and I have to say at my age I am too old to have a boy they are so full of energy and when your DH goes to show him how to shave and do other man things it will be a whole new experience - I don't think he will be showing his girls how to shave and with his son he won't have to worry about that time of the month and the moods that go with it!!

rancherswife's picture

I like your response smknial-I hope thats it-maybe he will get really excited when the time comes!

Disneyfan's picture

DF does that with out wedding. I want the typical NYC wedding He's btdt( kinda )with crazy BM.

Instead he wants a destination wedding. He keeps trying to tempt me with a Disney(WDW)wedding.

I think he's afraid CBM will pop up if we have it here.

giveitago's picture

DH and I have actually discussed this, it was said that I was jealous of BM, what I actually felt was grief that we did not have the kids together, DH told me he felt the same way as I did, and probably as often as I did. We agreed and we accept that things are the way they are.
I love the comment about the 'play' LOL I'll use that one if the subject ever comes up again.
None of that alters the fact that BM is a total psycho, even the juvenile judge and the children's panel think that she is unbalanced and refused access to SD without proper evaluations and counselling.

DH now just refuses to take BM's calls, we agreed that there's nothing they need to discuss as the kids are old enough to have their own relationship/or not with her. BM is able to call the same people as we are to find out facts about the facility she and her, now ex (he's #4 to be facing the fate of those before him) and taken for almost every cent, husband are actually responsible for sending SD to. It's a crying shame how much that kid endured, non the less her behaviors were atrocious...learned behaviors or not. It's going to be a long haul, we'll stand by SD because we love her. We will continue to be the stability she needs, it's been hell on wheels even with all of the 'justifications' to consider, we'll make it!

Betty79's picture

I totally felt that way for the longest time, sometimes I still do. DH and I have been married for 5 years and still get a little green eyed. I HATE being the second wife, I HATE that the stupid b*cth BM can still make my husband angry. I once found out that the flour/sugar cannisters, cookbooks, coffee maker were gifts from their wedding and I about lost it. Ehh, what can you do?

the_stepmonster's picture

I sometimes feel that way but knowing they got married b/c he "knocked her up" gives me a little satisfaction. He has said he will actually be excited when we have our children rather than the "oh shit" moment he had when he found out she was preg.

Unhappy's picture

I can completely see what you're saying. I feel the same way sometimes. I was never a person who started planning their wedding at age 13. I never really thought about the relationship that I wanted. I never thought that I had expectations. Now I know that I was so wrong. I am jealous of BM. She got the before kids time with SO. I scrounge for the left overs while the kids are at our house. I want my wedding to be everything I want it to be. SO wants something small. We still haven't had our first child as of yet. I'm not sure how that will all pan out.

The jealousy thing for me stems from the fact that BM got all the firsts with SO. And what did she do? Threw them all away. Took them for granted. Treated SO like crap. The one thing that SO does tell me is that I am the first person he has ever felt this way about. It's comforting, but still, the jealousy and resentment are still there. I feel like she stoled these moments from me. SO told me he never wanted to marry her. She ACCIDENTALLY(right) got pregnent.

LostInTheMess's picture

Yup!

helena_brass's picture

In the beginning I used to think about this sometimes (when I was pretty down in the dumps), but FDH never makes me feel like sloppy seconds. Yes, I've heard him say things like "I've done __ before." Sometimes it annoys me for an instant, but it doesn't really get to me. I know that I'm not the first--but he's not my first for many things. Furthermore, in my situation, I don't think FDH would really appreciate me as much as he does if it weren't for the years with BM. I know that sounds awful, but I think it's true. Men like FDH learn from hard knocks. BM was what he thought he wanted. He learned the hard way. I'm unlike anything he ever thought he wanted. If it hadn't been for BM, he may never have considered trying it with someone like me.

Blinocac's picture

I sorta feel that every now and then, but mostly I count myself lucky. My wife quite often compares me to her ex, and not once has the comparison favored him. I feel like he set me a good low bar and so, in her eyes, I'm the best man on earth, even if I don't quite agree.

forever2's picture

Just had to respond to your post because I am sloppy seconds every day and I always say to bf that I hate life as sloppy seconds. He hates the term, but I say, hey, if you hate it, stop treating me that way. Of course he doesn't. What is sloppy seconds? I am the definition. We have skid12 every other week plus every moment that BM can pawn him off on us because she has better things to do. When skid is around, skid gets to choose what is for dinner, skid chooses what we do for the weekend, skid chooses what is on TV, where we go for vacation and on and on and on. If bf spends time with me on skid days, it is only because skid has something better to do than hang with his dad (ie. video games). When skid is FINALLY gone, then bf realizes that I exist. Then I am dinner date, I choose dinner, I hear "oh, honey, what would you like to do this weekend?" "Lets go see a movie and cuddle." Gag! How revolting. Sure, I am the best thing on earth as long as you don't have any other options...THAT is sloppy seconds. As for the big things...the BIG sloppy seconds...sure, it sucks. BF asked me to marry him. We talk about having kids. I don't really see the point in getting married, just to go from unofficial sloppy seconds to legalized sloppy seconds. Half of me thinks he just wants to tie the knot so I am stuck. As for kids, as much as I want them and as much as I have to offer, I cannot bring children into this world knowing that their father would treat them like sloppy seconds too. I have read too many posts on this site from other women who thought that as soon as they had kids, everything would be okay. It doesn't change. The first wife will always have his ear, and his first born will always have his love. I love my potential unborn children, just the concept of them, enough to protect them from ever feeling as un-important as I do. I am much encouraged by the poster who said that the child that she had alone was the best experience of all of her pregnancies. That will be me one day, alone, but strong...I just have to get out of this mess first!