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Verdict on SD23 graduation trip

Elizabeth's picture

BD12 went with DH and BD9 stayed here with me.

When BD9 was crying in the hallway about having to make an impossible decision, I took matters into my own hands and told her to just stay with me. We did a benefits of each option list and staying with me won out. Plus I found out the ONLY reason she really wanted to go with DH was that he promised to take her swimming at the hotel he'd booked.

It will probably be good for each kid to have some one-on-one time with a parent.

Plus BD9 had a school field trip and another event today she was sad to miss. And getting invited to a friend's birthday party Saturday and she would have missed that as well.

DH was mad because evidently he'd planned to get a photo taken of all three kids. But of course he didn't tell me that, so...


Elizabeth's picture

BD9 was a toddler. But keep in mind that SD lived WITH us (with occasional weekend visits to her mom) until she was 15 and even when that arrangement flipped he had occasional visitation until she went to college. She has also come down to our town a couple of times and he has taken our kids to see her a handful of times. We also regularly drive to a town about an hour from SD at least a couple of times a year and she refuses to make the hour drive to meet up with us. So this certainly wasn't his only opportunity.

notsobad's picture

Sounds like a Mommy Dearest move. He had no plans to get pictures taken but saying makes you feel guilty.

Disneyfan's picture

I might be crazy, but I have a feeling cameras will still be able to work after the graduation. There's no reason why he can't set up a photo session with all 3 girls on another date.

Elizabeth's picture

Thanks, I don't really feel guilty, just more annoyed at not being informed. And then in his mind he can be mad at me when I had no knowledge of these plans.

Elizabeth's picture

Correct. For example, we are discussing taking a summer trip to the town an hour from where SD23 lives. The pictures could be taken then.

Aeron's picture

He's a narcissist. He will find or create a reason to be mad at you no matter What. In his world, it will always be your fault. You have said this yourself. If he gets pissed, shrug and walk away.

LONGTIME SM's picture

Agree. Glad your youngest gets to stay home like she wanted but I'm so sorry your entire household went through so much turmoil. As with any relationship with a narcissist though you can expect payback if they don't get their way. Unfortunately I don't think you've heard the end of it as he will likely become a broken record until he feels he verbally beats you into submission or pays you back. Sorry. I'm so glad you took the stand in support of your daughters feelings.

Elizabeth's picture

Exactly! I think many people on here presume I am dealing with a "normal" person, but I am not. Last night he yelled at me because he doesn't like the way I taught the kids to clean the litterboxes. Hell, I don't like the way he does it, but they're getting cleaned so what damn difference does it make?

Willow2010's picture

Oh Elizabeth…I normally agree with you on stuff but not this. I think you should have let DD go. I feel like you made her feel guilty for wanting to go with her dad. This should have never been HER issue. You and DH should have fought it out and told the child where she was going. She probably did want to go with her dad and sister, but knew you wanted her to stay home so badly. You even told her that SD did not even care for her as a sister so she should not go. (or something like that) That was just bad form IMHO.

So now she is not part of the fun with her other sisters. She will never remember the party she went to this weekend nor will she remember mothers day 2016. But she would have remembered going to a cool motel with her dad and sister and having fun and going to a graduation sorry but IMHO…this was just bad all the way around. I understand the way you feel, but I still think that you handled wrong. No hard feelings girl. And yes...I realize most don't feel the way I do. lol

Elizabeth's picture

I understand. Others do feel the way you do. I asked a lot of people, not just on here, their opinions. People who are closer to the situation and know both DH and I pretty well. BD9 was relieved to stay with me. I told her MULTIPLE times that I was absolutely fine with whatever decision she made, and I would have been. But she absolutely could NOT make that decision. She wouldn't even pack her suitcase last night, kept making excuses not to, so I knew which way she was leaning.

Elizabeth's picture

You don't know this kid, she is NOT like that. She absolutely does NOT think it should be all about her. In fact, she was agonizing knowing she couldn't be with both parents, and I didn't think that was fair to her. BD12 even asked DH why I was not invited to the graduation (she is upset about that), and he just said, "I don't know."

zerostepdrama's picture

Well the girls were never technically invited were they???? The announcement came addressed to just DH, right?

zerostepdrama's picture

Why do they even know that you weren't invited?

If you were invited would you have gone?

Why is SD12 going if she wasn't invited?

Was the invite sent from SD or BM?

Elizabeth's picture

DH knows -- I told him -- that if I was invited I would go. BD12 is going because DH says he and the kids ARE invited. But the announcement (no invitation ever received) came addressed ONLY to DH.

Icansorelate's picture

hahaha I am betting that DH is not invited. Be prepared for him to really be in a mood after he travels and there is no ticket for him, never mind DD.

He really is a stupid and delusional one, isn't he.

WalkOnBy's picture

$1000 plus it's Cooley - nope, no thanks Smile

Sticking my two cents in here - my boys are the the top two universities in my state - one requires tickets, the other doesn't. Neither sends out invitations. My boys will not be sending out announcements or invitations - I will make the phone calls to the people who will be invited.

WalkOnBy's picture

Yep - I am very firmly upper middle class, but I have very common sense values.

I like things minimalist, plain and simple.

No muss, no fuss Smile

Elizabeth's picture

Mustang. You know nothing about my motives. I can't change your opinion, but don't pretend you know me.

zerostepdrama's picture

You made a decision... good for you... now don't let him make you feel guilty about it. Sounds like you guys feed off of each other in this toxic relationship.

notasm3's picture

I think that was a reasonable compromise. A 9 year old requires a lot more direction supervision than a 12 year old. Your DH sounds like an easily distracted person who doesn't necessarily pay attention to details. I'd have nightmares about his leaving her unattended at that pool.

It's not like this was a once in a lifetime trip to another continent. You each get a child. Each child gets one on one time.

And I agree with DisneyFan - cameras will still be around after graduation. I just hope the 12 year old isn't too horribly bored.

Elizabeth's picture

He said he had tickets but I'm confident he lied.

Here's why:

BD12 asked DH point blank why I was not invited to the graduation and he just said, "I don't know."

I asked if he had gotten tickets and he said yes, he had four.

So I'm not invited but SD23 gave you four tickets? I don't think so. Not to mention we only got the "announcement," addressed by BM, a week ago. When did the tickets arrive in the mail then?

Elizabeth's picture

I'll be waiting for an irate text from BD12 about 5 minutes before the ceremony is scheduled to begin Smile

Elizabeth's picture

Yes, he has ALWAYS been afraid of getting on SD23's "bad side," so confronting her does NOT happen. He does his best to placate her in all things. I myself have no problem asking my children something straight out, but he's weird that way. He claimed he had tickets but I KNOW he did not.

Elizabeth's picture

He has mental issues, if you can't tell, so I try to cut him some slack but yes, we DO have a weird relationship. I wish it was otherwise, but...

ctnmom's picture

My DD23 just graduated from her masters program (brag alert - and has a job in her field $41,000 a year)and if he got just an announcement, there is probably no ticket for him and DD. I hope he communicated with his daughter before he headed out.

SMto2's picture

:jawdrop: I just read that ONLY DH's name was on the invitation. I know it's too late, but that is a MAJOR gamechanger for me! No way would I have sent my children there if they weren't specifically invited. And I don't think it was implied that they were invited--if so, was it also implied that you also were invited? When my SSs graduated from high school and when oldest SS graduated college, the outer envelope with the invitation was addressed to Mr. and Mrs. _____ & family and on the inside the invitation's actual envelope had all our first names, ie., Dad, SMto2, DS1 and DS2. Had it not been that way I would NOT have gone. That is such a slap in the face. At least you do have one of your DSs there with you. And I totally disagree that she should have to miss her field trip for her Step-sister's graduation.

lintini's picture

There was no invitation or tickets, they received an announcement from BM, and it was only to DH

Tuff Noogies's picture

this just kills me, lintini. there hasnt even been an actual invitation!!!

that's like getting a baby announcement and thinking you can show up to the birth.

lintini's picture

DH will surely have to scalp for tickets in the parking lot. I can't believe he never called SD to ask about tickets, he's is NUTS! (and then to claim he got 4 of them and never showed you? riiight...)

WalkOnBy's picture

Ugh - don't talk to me about tickets for graduation. Thing1 will have two ceremonies - the Business School and then the great big old one for everyone at the stadium. Business School ceremony? 4 tickets. Great big old ceremony at the stadium? 8 tickets. Ugh.

Thing2's college doesn't use the ticket system. I am so glad about that Smile

thinkthrice's picture

Whoever thinks that Elizabeth's DH was just looking for a family bonding moment ought to read each and every single blog of hers for the last, oh, ten years.

Her DH is a sociopathic deviant that is in an emotionally incestuous relationship with his oldest daughter from his first marriage/relationship.

He cares not a whit for Elizabeth and his younger two daughters. He is all about appearances trying to make himself out to be FOTY. He never voluntarily spends any time with his younger two children, but is very content to spend his wife's earnings on child chasing his oldest, mediocre, crass kidult; all the while imposing his bombastic will on Elizabeth and his younger two with a breathtaking impertinent double standard.

Clear enough for the assorted johnny-come-latelys?

Elizabeth's picture

I'm afraid to post an update because every time I revisit this topic the naysayers jump all over me.

Elizabeth's picture

I'm afraid to post an update because every time I revisit this topic the naysayers jump on me.

Tuff Noogies's picture

pm me?

brutallyhonest's picture

I don't log on all that often either, but I've been watching and waiting for post-ceremony update too. Cheering on your side, any longtime reader of your blog knows that your SD and DH are consistently (some word that we can't use on the forum now) to you and your bio-dd's.

moeilijk's picture

Hmm. So interesting, the whole issue takes on a different slant depending on the ticket-policy that the college may or may not have!

In my case, I have experience with 2 high school graduations. First, my own, which I didn't attend but a friend picked up my diploma for me - no cost to attend, walk-ins from the street were welcome. Second, my cousin's, to which she was provided with 2 tickets and additional tickets were available for $5 ea on a first come - first served basis.

I have attended one college and one university. Both required you to pay an extra fee to graduate, an extra fee to attend your own graduation ceremony, an extra fee to rent gowns etc. For one, the ceremony is always held outside (in Vancouver, where it never fails to be crazy-freezing in June and also super-foggy, and often raining), and you had to have a ticket as someone would check regularly. I don't know how much as I didn't graduate from there. The college was much smaller and as far as I know, they would have had to rent space for the ceremony, so I'm sure tickets were not only required but would been sold (vs provided).

notasm3's picture

My much younger sister was around the age of your daughters when I finished undergrad. I was the first person in my family to even go to college much less graduate - most did not finish high school so it was a big deal to me at least. I asked her what she remembered about my graduation - all she could remember was that it was boring and awful.

I cannot imagine any 9 or 12 year old child that would be excited to sit through a horribly boring ceremony.