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Splitting BD9 in two :(

Elizabeth's picture

So SD23 is graduating from college Saturday. DH wants BDs 12 and 9 to accompany him, it's a 5-hour drive one way.

BD9 is sad because she wants to spend Mother's Day with me but also wants to go see SD23. AND, DH just informed me he's made plans that require him to pull our kids out of school on Friday to travel to SD23's town.

But BD9 has a field trip that day. DH says she can't go.

Now BD9 feels split in two. She wants to go see SD23 but she also wants to be with me for Mother's Day and go on her field trip. Poor kid. I feel so bad for her, I want to take the decision out of her hands and say she will stay with me but that will make me the bad guy.

Comments

Gimlet's picture

Elizabeth, I would like to loan you my mega-bitch persona for the day. Just return it when you're done, and try not to get any blood on it, that shit's hard to get out.

SecondGeneration's picture

Be the bad guy and keep her home so she can do the field trip and have mothers day with you, do something nice with just the two of you.

bakedsalmon's picture

Graduation from college is huge. I think she should go and not miss being part of this big experience in her sisters life.

bakedsalmon's picture

That is part of being a family. Sitting through the long and boring stuff.

Disneyfan's picture

Elizabeth, it is OK to be the "bad guy". There's nothing bad, wrong, evil, mean, selfish....about a mother wanting spend Mother's Day with her children.

Totalybogus's picture

I think she should go to the graduation. I would be upset if you tried to out rank me if I was dad.

Totalybogus's picture

If I'm not mistaken, they are his kids too. He is obviously proud of his oldest daughter and wants to share this mile stone with his younger children. There will be many other mother's days they can participate in with Elizabeth. This is a once in a lifetime event.

Totalybogus's picture

In this instance or every instance a BM says she specifically wants to be with her children? Even if he hasn't been involved in the past, he is attempting to involve them in his life right now. I'm sure its not his intent to punish them by making them sit through the graduation. If he didn't care, he'd just leave them with Elizabeth and go on his merry way alone.

Disneyfan's picture

Don't dare try to guilt her into considering doing something that is long over do.

Go read Elizabeth's blogs. Her husband has been "out ranking" her for YEARS. This would be the first time she has EVER stood up to him in regards to their children or the SD.

Elizabeth's picture

Or make sure they take antibiotics! BD12 is on them, I came home from a 5-day trip out of town and 15 of the 20 were still left. There should have been 7 left!

Elizabeth's picture

I did point out to BD9 -- and on hindsight I probably shouldn't have -- that SD23 is NOT involved in BD9's life. DH made a big deal to BD9 about how MUCH SD23 LOVES her and how MUCH SD23 wants to see her. BD9 is a tender heart. She doesn't want to disappoint SD23. But SD23 is NOT involved in BD9's life at ALL. She doesn't send her letters, call her, remember her birthday, nothing. In fact, SD23 texted DH in August asking if she'd missed BD9's birthday. It was in June Sad

Elizabeth's picture

Honestly neither of us should get the final say, it should be a decision we can arrive at mutually. Unfortunately that is not going to happen. Sad BD12 is glad to go because it will get her a day out of school with fun time daddy. But she is not doing well and really shouldn't be missing any time.

Tuff Noogies's picture

does he not realize what he's doing to his own daughter, playing mind games (guilt tripping *is* a manipulative mind game) with her? why would he do that for someone who truly shows no interest in her existence?

he's being a $#!tty dad to one girl so he can play FOTY for another. that just doesnt balance out...

stepinhell617's picture

Does he even have tickets for all three in hand(not waiting at will-call but physical tickets in your house)? If not, then no way in hell would I agree to yank two kids out of school, have one miss a field trip and he other miss needed instruction time and 10+ hours in the car- Mother's day or not. Keep them with you and at school. Good luck Smile

fakemommy's picture

For the sake of your daughter, please be the "bad guy". College graduation is seriously NBD and if she goes to grad school, there will be another one. Your husband is manipulating your daughter. Just say, the girls stay home and that's the end of things.

zerostepdrama's picture

I wouldn't even hesitate to be the bad guy if needed when it comes to my children.

But I think a final decision needs to be made and stuck with instead of all this guilt tripping and crying and whatever else.

Tuff Noogies's picture

well fffllbbbtttt!!!

i had the same opinion to begin with. i changed my mind when i re-read some of her blogs of dh's treatment of sd vs. bio's, and how heartbroken OP felt just thinking about it (that was a raw emotion, not selfishness imho - i felt bad for her when i read that), and also the fact that there's been NO ticket not even for dh himself... i dont like how he's playing mind games with his own kid - imagine how she'll feel when they finally get there and she finds out that sd didnt even bother to set aside tickets for them.

in the words of ted, 'and those are the (my) reasons OP's dh has to be chopped.'

fakemommy's picture

Well, not once in a life time. High school graduation, college, and probably an advanced degree if she wants to do anything at all with her current degree. College graduations are usually not personal at all, unless it is a smaller college. At my college, the entire major stands up and that's it. You aren't named personally until advanced degrees or if the units hold their own graduation.

Also, (not for you Tommar, but it should be said) MOST colleges don't have tickets to graduation. They are open invitation events.

fakemommy's picture

The only ones I've been to that were ticketed and names were called were community college graduations, and even then they didn't actually collect tickets.

Just J's picture

I've been to 3 UC school graduations and no names were called nor diplomas given. My SD graduates next week and she has 2 ceremonies...one that is ticketed with no names being called, and one without tickets that names are called. She goes to a state university.

notasm3's picture

And I am always mortified at the few people who ignore the instructions not to interrupt with yells and cheers the reading of 3000 names. There are always a few yahoos who act like this is the first person in their family to ever graduate from anything.

I was the first person in my family to graduate from college and was one only a few who graduated from high school. I'd have crawled under a rock if my family had yelled and screamed.

Tuff Noogies's picture

i see your point of view. OP did say above that "it should be a decision we can arrive at mutually." unfortunately this is not happening as both sides feel so strongly and there is no logical compromise, it's all or nothing.

i just think the dh is in the wrong playing mind games with the dd and trying to guilt her - that's just wrong. and i also see no sense in handling things the way the dh is, since he doesnt even have a freaking invitation, let alone entrance tickets for him OR the bd's!! that, to me, makes no sense in forcing the issue.

zerostepdrama's picture

I think it would trump if Elizabeth was close to SD. But she's not. So I think MD should trump over this graduation.

Elizabeth's picture

Thanks babybugged, this is what will end up happening. I will tell BD9 she is staying with me. I will be the bad guy once again. It just gets old.

zerostepdrama's picture

If you're tired of being the bad guy then do something to change your life. Sounds like a very sad way to live. Life is too short to be unhappy.

always_anxious's picture

After reading all of this and understanding your DH and SD history with BD. I am in the "tell DH to suck it" camp. Don't do that to your daughter. YOUR daughter. And don't let DH guilt her into something. That's nonsense. Where's your mama bear instinct?

always_anxious's picture

After reading all of this and understanding your DH and SD history with BD. I am in the "tell DH to suck it" camp. Don't do that to your daughter. YOUR daughter. And don't let DH guilt her into something. That's nonsense. Where's your mama bear instinct?

AlreadyGone's picture

You're not the bad guy, unless you allow yourself to be. He has a right to attend HIS daughter's graduation AND you have a right to spend Mother's Day with YOUR children. Case closed. As a matter of fact, it seems totally counterproductive to have your DD's SKIP SCHOOL to attend a graduation at all. :?

DH can take pics and video of grad day, to show your DD's upon his return. You could have your DD's record something specifically for your SD, that your DH can show her when he gets there. That way none of them are 'in the middle.'

Of all the things so many SM's are forced to give up (or give into), this doesn't need to be one of them. I understand that his relationship with his D is important but, so is the relationship with YOUR DD's. JMHO. Smile

WalkOnBy's picture

Well this seems to have generated lots of feelings on Mother's Day. Let me tell you what's happening in my life on Mother's Day??

Nothing - DD25 will be with her husband and in-laws in another state at a college graduation for her sister-on-law. I am totally okay with it, though my own GUBM is outraged for me.

Thing1 will be flying home from a once in a lifetime student conference on public policy on Sunday late in the afternoon. Also fine with me.

Thing2 will be in his college town, studying his ass off for the MCAT he is taking in July. I am totally fine with this...

It's one day...I don't need that day to be reminded that I am a mother. I can have brunch with my kids anytime and call it "Mother's Day." Having said that, I am not sure that OP's kid can sit through a lengthy college commencement ceremony. They are notoriously boring - lol!!

If I were OP, I would send the 12 year with dad and keep the younger one home with me.

But then again, I think Mother's Day is kinda dumb, so...

Totalybogus's picture

This...

zerostepdrama's picture

YES!

Elizabeth's picture

Let me be clear, I have not been invited to this graduation, by DH or anybody else. So it has never been on the table for me to attend.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

For everyone who is advocating that DH should take the girls - what about the fact that he did not receive an invitation? The only thing he has received is an announcement - and BM addressed the envelope to him alone. He has no invitation and no tickets. I don't believe he has even talked to SD about the graduation.

Doesn't it matter that SD has not invited DH, let alone her sisters? If this graduation is so important - why hasn't SD reached out in some way?

Tuff Noogies's picture

*clears throat* actually, he has zero invitations - the only thing he received was the graduation announcement aka gift-grab promo.

Tuff Noogies's picture

*giggles* i'm sure you love my complete lack of capitalization then... oh and my use of 'u'. shout-out to LF }:) }:) }:)

princessmofo's picture

I'd also like to point out that "a lot" is, indeed, two separate words. Not one. Wink That mistake really chaps my hide.

princessmofo's picture

I'd also like to point out that "a lot" is, indeed, two separate words. Not one. Wink That mistake really chaps my hide.

princessmofo's picture

Gimlet, you are now a member of my tribe, my people, my oneness with the dictionary. I think I love you. Blum 3

Gimlet's picture

I like when my propensity for spending too much time on the internet pays off! Smile

anotherstep, if there was an alot that needed a home, I am quite sure it would find its way to you!

Tuff Noogies's picture

OMG gimmy that was AWESOME!!!!

apparently "im an eagle and im typing with my talons, so dont make fun of me cuz this is hard"... except i do use punctuation. Wink

hereiam's picture

The Alot was actually my first picture choice but I couldn't get it to load properly. You know how those Alots are.

Gimlet's picture

You should post the blog entry that inspired your profile picture. I love that one.

Tuff Noogies's picture

there goes my day. i've never heard of that website until now - now i'm screwed Blum 3

Gimlet's picture

I love this, thanks!! Her posts on depression are some of the most thoughtful and useful posts I have seen on the topic.

Elizabeth's picture

No mustang, he has no invitation, just a generic announcement addressed only to him. When I mentioned asking about tickets, he acted surprised. So he hadn't received an invitation with time or location, nor any tickets. I still haven't seen either of those things.

Totalybogus's picture

Maybe she didn't send invitations to family because, as you know, invitations are expensive. I haven't been to a graduation where I needed a ticket to attend. Perhaps dad already talked to SD and knows this. Also, Elizabeth should be secure enough in her relationship with her husband to ASK if he's spoken to SD about it and if she is invited as well.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Every college graduation I have been to has had limited seating and you couldn't get in without a ticket.

Did you read her previous blog? She tried to talk to him about it and he was less then forthcoming - probably because he didn't know for sure. Why can't her just tell her if he actually has tickets or if he needs them?

zerostepdrama's picture

Because he doesn't want to admit that he really doesn't know. And he doesn't want to ask SD because that would be too much of a PITA and would bring up the possible subject of the sisters not being invited- either due to not enough tickets or for other reasons.

Totalybogus's picture

Maybe she didn't send invitations to family because, as you know, invitations are expensive. I haven't been to a graduation where I needed a ticket to attend. Perhaps dad already talked to SD and knows this. Also, Elizabeth should be secure enough in her relationship with her husband to ASK if he's spoken to SD about it and if she is invited as well.

MollyBrown's picture

It's Mother's Day. It can be moved. A good marriage involves compromise. The girls should go. In turn, he should be home in time to take Elizabeth and the kids out for dinner.

zerostepdrama's picture

I could be wrong... but I think her DH has wanted to include the daughters in visits to SD in college town but Elizabeth was always against it or made a big stink about it. So I'm not sure that the fact that the sisters don't have the best relationship (distance, age differences, parental interference) should be a determining factor if they attend or not.

Elizabeth's picture

I never made a "big stink." In fact, DH admitted yesterday that I have NEVER, in the 15 years we have been married, prevented him from going to or doing a single thing with SD.

zerostepdrama's picture

"A good marriage involves compromise." This is so true and people tend to forget this. Myself at times too. But it's so important to remember and instill in your marriage if you want it to be happy.

twoviewpoints's picture

The ceremony is Sunday and then a five hour drive home. That would make a very long day for the girls.

twoviewpoints's picture

Dup

JustAgirl42's picture

LOL, I think she meant well.

TALK to your husband and tell him how you feel...if he completely discounts your feelings, keep your SD9 home. I can understand both points of view, but I really don't think it would make a huge difference whether or not your 9 year old goes.

Good Luck.

always_anxious's picture

I'm still curious if there are actual tickets. If there are, then this whole thing is moot.

always_anxious's picture

Another thought, why not call the school's admin office and ask them if they require tickets for graduation and how many each student gets. You don't have to identify yourself. Its not like they need to know if you are a student or related to one. You can even give a fake name. In any case, you'd be less concerned and could stand your ground more if you found out there are tickets and KNOW that your husband doesn't have them.

At that point, I'd tell him "DH you have no tickets, so I'm not talking about this anymore" then its done.

zerostepdrama's picture

And DH does too.. he wants to spend the day with his family. The only reason Elizabeth's may "trump" is because it's some Hallmark Holiday.

DarkStar's picture

I'm sorry, but Elizabeth has put HERSELF in this situation.

No is a complete sentence.
So what if he's mad?
So what if he slams doors and pouts?
So what if he is "their Dad, too?"
No. Just NO.

Unfortunately, Elizabeth has been the DOORMAT for so many years, it's a little too late to decide that NOW you will put your foot down, versus the 167,645 times previous where you have not.

We teach those how to treat us. Elizabeth, you have been teaching your DH how to treat you for years.

I would love to be proved wrong, to see a new post after Mother's Day where you told him to shove it where the sun doesn't shine and went and had a nice weekend with your kids and your Mom. I don't think I will, though.