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Advice on legal separation

Chmmy's picture

I have 4 step kids SD21, SD18, SS14 and SS12. All live with us full time(edit SD21 is away at school and is rarely here). I have been married less than 3 years. Divorce was talked about in the first 6 months. The kids are sneaky, lying, manipulative and they steal. Most of their behavior is typical but the lying about me has caused me to get cameras to protect myself from false accusations. The stealing has me worried about my credit or identity getting stolen or that of my husband. SD21 has already tried to pull a fast one by taking out a student loan in DHs name and is continually pulling the wool over DHs eyes. He is finally starting to see her for who she is(just like her mother) but if she gets teary eyed or bats her eyes at him, he gets stupid(again also like her mother used to do to him).

DH has allowed this behavior and turned his head to not see it. He has allowed them to manipulate him, and talk badly about me but he is finally trying to put his foot down. It may be too late. I'm not ready for divorce yet but I am considering a legal separation to protect my finances. Any pros and cons to legal separation vs divorce vs just staying together.

I can live with my parents and stay here when the kids are gone. I have no job so I need to stay on his insurance for now(legal separation allows that). The house is in his name which is fine, I cant afford it. I have a car in my name(paid off) but the car I drive is in his name(he makes the payments). I will probably go back to work next school year if I can(teacher). If Covid prevents that, my husband is financially well off enough to support me for another year. He pays my car insurance, my cheap Cricket phone and basic expenses of me living her but I do not cost that much. I have money saved so if I buy stuff for my adult children, it comes from my savings, although he is very generous with my children and family and me too. If anyone has any advice on getting a legal separation to protect myself and my assets(cash and paid off car) from my husband's children and his bad decisions re his children? TIA

Comments

Haelsunderfire's picture

Every situation is different, but if you are thinking of legal separtaion or divorce, it more than likely has reached a point where it's more sane to call it quits. I denied this for years. It may be easier to cut your losses financialy as long as you are able to keep your sanity. Remeber, your helath and mental well being is more important.

 

My husband and I are going through a divorce. He has three children form a previous marriages and two children together. All I know is that I don't care what he takes, as long as we can cleanly separate and I maintain my sanity. You know what is right for you, and if your husband values your past, he wlll be kind. Unfortunately, life isn't that easy.

Chmmy's picture

The point of legal separation is I can keep my health insurance, yet live separate and not be affected by his poor financial choices.

Felicity0224's picture

Are you positive that legal separation is a thing in your state? I ask because where I live, it is not. You're either married or you're not and the only way to separate yourself legally is to file for divorce and get temporary orders while you're waiting for the time period for finalization. Even in that case, you're not considered "legally separated" it's just that the temp orders can serve to protect your assets/finances until you're divorced.

My best advice is to talk to attorney and lay out your goals/reasoning for wanting a legal separation while remaining together. It may be that a post-nuptial agreement is more in line with what you need if you really aren't planning to divorce.

I had a similar conversation with my attorney when my H and I separated and I was actually surprised when she encouraged me to make a completely different choice than what I'd had in mind due to the pros and cons of my various options. This is an area where it really does pay to consult an expert. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Consult an attorney to get accurate info for your area.This is something that varies widely by state and what someone tells you may not apply at all to your local jurisdiction. You can probably look it up by checking the website for your local county court. Since your are not currently employed, insurance is a huge consideration. It would be well worth it to pay for a consult with a local attorney.

I am glad to hear you are taking to steps to get out of your situation. You are going to be much happier once you have moved on from all of the dysfunction.

tog redux's picture

This seems like a good resource for you:

https://www.divorcenet.com/resources/legal-separation-in-illinois-faqs.html

Seems like it might be the right thing for you - will he agree to this? If not, it could become contentious and you'd end up divorced anyway.

Are you hanging on, hoping he's going to change? Or just trying to get through until next school year with him supporting you? I don't think he has to support you if you are legally separated, but maybe you just need the health insurance. I'm pretty sure you could get a teaching job now, lots of them quit because of the pandemic.

Chmmy's picture

Schools in our area are shut down for the pandemic. Last year all the teachers did for 3 months was send home a packet of papers and say good luck...no one is quitting that gig. This year they are zoom teaching, which is no easy task, I'm sure but they are not quitting due to Covid exposure.

tog redux's picture

Gotcha. Yeah, we doing a hybrid model here, in the suburbs anyway, and a lot of them quit in protest - which was stupid because there has been very little COVID linked to schools.

ESMOD's picture

First.. you definitely need legal advice that is specific to your state.  You may also want to speak with a tax accountant to understand where your situation would lend itself.  Generally, until a divorce is actually finalized.. you would file either a joint return or married filing separately.  There is another option if you have kids which is Head of household.. but tax-wise.. you may well be considered linked anyway.

It sounds like you are not trying to separate from the relationship.. but are trying to put a financial buffer between you somehow.  Again, you need to get legal advice regarding financial obligations in your state to see whether being legally separated is for you.  I know my company's policy would not allow me to carry someone if we were separated...so be clear that his policy would.  It might if you are still in a relationship.. as a significant other.. but at a higher rate.

It sounds like you would be better off becoming more financially independent by going back to work.  In the end, it's a hard fight to fight limiting his income spending on what he sees fit... whether it be things for you.. or his kids.

If you truly want to leave him.. again get legal advice.  As you are not working, you may be eligable for some amount of support until you can return to work.  I would not be certain he will want to support you as you walk out the door... so you will most likely need legal representation to get what you want.

Chmmy's picture

I didn't even mention the shit going on with the IRS. He claimed SD18 and she still got the stimulus checks($1200 last time and $600 this time) that she was not entitled to as she was 17 when she got the first one. I told him that she is not entitled to it and that she should not cash or spend that money. Well he couldn't disappoint her when she was so excited, so she spent it all and now it is coming back to us. WE got a letter from the IRS which he hid from me that someone we claimed on our taxes was claimed eslewhere...I think what it meant is she filed as an independent at age 17 so the IRS is another problem I am dealing with due to this marriage and the skids.

CLove's picture

We got our stimulous money which included Munchkin Sd14. Because they are going by 2019 tax returns. LUCKILY I had a foreshadowing of murky waters ahead with things, and had DH get Toxic Troll to sign a "waiver form". She "offered to let us claim SD14" which she decided to do because she won the HOH during the child support modification case. And she didnt file 2019 because

a. she didnt work so didnt pay taxes, so figured no reason to file tax returns

b. she figured that because she won the HOH right to claim kiddo, and figured that we would get money on tax return that she would get a little bit of that as a side deal with DH. We would have owed, so I just said ok. This year Im hoping we wont have to claim kiddo to not owe, although Ill run the numbers and we might try again this year 2020 because of $$$ for return.

HOWEVER, because Toxic Troll did not file 2019, IRS went by 2018, and she got the stimulous money plus for kiddo, so, double dippage on kiddo, but it hasnt been caught because 2 separate tax years, and therefore no conflict with ssn#.

WOW, I found a big loophole in the system by accident. But if it comes to light, then Im covered due to the waiver that has been signed. Im surprised they havent caught it, although perhaps its not a big deal? Because many bio parents take turns claiming kids on alternating years...

ESMOD's picture

So... it sounds like you do have a DH problem for sure.  As you clarified.. SD21 didn't go behind his back to get a student loan.. He was going behind your back to not tell you about it.  The good news maybe, is that depending on your state.. when he signs for a loan.. it hopefully will only be "his" loan.. and won't obligate you.  However, since you are not working, in an around about way, when he obligates himself.. he is reducing the available funds to both of you in your marriage.

The thing is that I don't believe a "legal separation" does anything for you.

1.  It seems like you want to stay in a relationship with him.  

2.  The paperwork won't stop any fraud.. so if someone steals your identity.. it won't matter if it is one of his kids.. or some stranger in california.  the legal separation doesn't stop that.

3.  It won't stop him from doing "what he wants" with his own money.  He is likely to become more inclined to do financial stuff without your knowlege. (assuming number 1 that you still want to be with him).  The only slight protection could be if in an actual divorce you are awarded spousal support and he had an obligation to pay you some amount for some future number of years. (alimony for life is a lot more rare these days.. maybe 50% of the time you were married would be awarded..or until you got in a new relationship)

4.  As was pointed out.. the separation could impact your ability to get payments from pension or other retirements.. or inheritance of property etc..

5.  If you DO want a divorce.. to be done with HIM too... then no real need to half step it with some long drawn out separation.

If you want to live separately until his kids are out of the house.. that is an option.. but again.. financially you would need to be able to finance that.  I'm not sure he will be up for paying for two households.

Chmmy's picture

To clarify, after he almost signed for a loan behind my back, then he said no to SD, he already had enough on his creidit with cosigning cars and previous loans, then a month later SD tried to get one in his name without his permission and he stopped her when he was notified. I know this is true and not him lying because I see his iMessages with her without his knowledge. It's a big, sneaky house. This is no way to live. It is possible this relationship can be salvaged but doubtful. I have a place to go, my parents are thrilled to have me. I stayed for 2 weeks at Christmas...they are only 20 mins away. I really like the health insurance. A legal sparation would allow me the benefits a divorce would not. I kind of know that is what I want short term...long term is still up in the air.We've got 6 more years of kids under 18 but we all know it doesn't end at 18 with dram filled skids

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I like the fact that you're exploring options and seeking solutions that will benefit you, Chmmy. That's a big step forward, and can be empowering as well. I totally get why you want to limit your financial liability, because your H is so spineless with his kids. It's only a matter of time before one of those manipulative skids pulls an end run that gets your H and you in a real financial pickle.

That said, you need professional guidance. Spend the money, and talk to a few shark divorce attorneys. They'll offer insight and strategies you can apply to your specific situation, and will likely point out things that haven't occured to you.

I love that you're seeking ways to take care of YOU and get away from that crazy in the way that best benefits you.

Livingoutloud's picture

Schools are not shut down right now. They were shut down in the spring. Schools that don't teach in person are still open, just virtually. You can look for a job and you likely will find it. I know my state is hiring and so do many others. Many might hire in the middle of semester. We have bunch of long term subs teaching now because we have such teacher shortage.  
 
you can have your own health insurance through work. Why do you need his? 

Living separately is fine if you don't want to divorce, but at the very least I believe you should have your own source of income. Not sure of the reason you don't work now and it's fine, ton of women are homemakers but I don't see how you can continue this life style if you separate from DH. He might be rich and nice enough to keep supporting you but why would you want to live like this? Especially if you will live apart. Why do you want to be dependent?
 

in addition I understand how annoying it's if DH buys this and that for his kids. But you've been only married few years and he supports you. If I was the only one working, I'd laugh if my DH complained I spend on kids or on anything I wanted to spend on. 

typicaly you need to be married longer to qualify for spousal support. This marriage is short lived so likely there will be no spousal support. So again it boils down to obtaining  independence first.
 

 Now I support you getting away from this marriage as you've been miserable long enough. consult with attorney and start getting your ducks in a row and becoming independent first so you don't need him to carry you on