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Not laughing now.

Newimprvmodel's picture

Husband just got home and informs that one of his daughters who has not been here in a year and a half will be spending the weekend of Thsnksgiving here. 
what made me  blow my stack was he had discussed and planned with her putting up OUR Christmas tree on Saturday. Seeming to forget our conversation that due to several events in December I really don't want a massive tree that he does every year. 
Boy am I pissed. Honestly I can't imagine she wants to put up a tree with family ornaments she was never a part of. Her choice.  BTW. I can imagine her yes ing him and then not coming. 
Any thoughts?  He's now angry at me. Go figure. 

Newimprvmodel's picture

I think I really don't want them here. These are the daughters who have rejected and hurt me for years. And to DH they are perfect and his reaction to me is that " this isn't about you. You are not a victim. ". Yeah well I certainly feel like one. 
it's that he planned my tree in my house with her. He has to be thick if he thinks I would not have a reaction. I Guess I hate sharing my husband with his children who have soundly rejected me. He doesn't see it because they always ask about me to him. Eye rolling now. You Guys know what I mean right?  
I also likely am feeling he just spent lots of money visiting another daughter who also rejects me. I thought would it not have been nice to be able to share his grandchild with him?  But no. As it has always been. 
i know you guys are the only ones who can relate. 

Winterglow's picture

Hide all of the decorations. Let him work out how to decorate for Xmas when all he has is a tree.

Yesterdays's picture

If it were me about the Christmas tree I'd tell him you don't want to get a tree still.

He went above your head after you told him already you don't want a tree. He just wanted to suck up to his kid and forgot about how you felt and what you said you wanted. It's passive agressive.

They can do something else special!! It doesn't have to be the tree you didn't want... There's a million things they could do. Put up Christmas lights, decorations, etc not the only one thing you mentioned you didn't want.. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

The fact that he planned this with SD without speaking to you first is what i would have a problem with. ETA him saying "This isn't about you." Is bullsh!t. It is about you. Your home. Your gd Christmas tree. If none of that is about you then you know where you stand in your home. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Also i have to say that reading your last post had me thinking "Maybe it is possible to rise above, to disengage, and have the dysfunction be separate from my home!" "One day maybe we will look back and laugh at how stressed we got!" Reality check. 

Newimprvmodel's picture

I have special ornaments that I've collected over the years of kids and travel and life.   I don't want to share doing this with a basic stranger who dislikes me.  It will be another pretend moment and as I've said she has never ever been a participant in many years.  It's going to annoy me.  I also feel like DH has hijacked my tree for his daughter. He never has decorated an inch of it. All me. 
15 yrs ago I might have thought wow. This is great.  Finally getting somewhere. Now. I really don't want to bother.  Or pretend. 



Rumplestiltskin's picture

You don't have to let them do this. If this is your "thing", DH doesn't have the right to do what he plans. 

Rags's picture

let Daddy and his baggage usurp your meaningful decorations.  When the spawn leaves, shrink wrap it all and put thier decorated tree on the curb for trash day.

For damned sure do not cook or buy the usual holiday feast foods for TG.  Find a hotel in your area that does a Holiday event, buy a ticket, and go enjoy the feast.  Leave two Hungry Man frozen turkey dinners in the freezer with a "Happy TG" post it note for daddy and the baggage.

Make sure to give daddy clarity that your Christmas is not about him or his baggage.  I would also use this holiday season to put your boot up his ass and let him know that his head in the sand denial that his baggage is rude and has alienated you since the beginning will no longer be tolerated and he needs to pull his head out or he will find his life one of escalating abject misery.


Thumper's picture



Hurting and rejecting you for several years. Not showing up for 1 1/2 years to make an  effort to try and fix the hurt she caused you...

THEN she wants to come into your home over Thanksgiving and decorate for the holidays.. 

OH HELL no. 

What is more shocking is your dh. Whelp his magical thinking is in full display.

Tell him NO






Cover1W's picture

I disengaged almost (90%) fully from the holidays when the SDs were in their early teens. Everthing was only about THEIR traditions, nothing about mine - and DH even backed them up in front of me. So then I was done.

When we first moved into our current home, and the first year we put up a tree, a couple of old ornaments my grandmother had made were ruined. Part of it was YSD being YSD, but then she did it AGAIN. The next year I stopped making Xmas cookies and treats for all of us and trying to involve the SDs who treated it like a joke, only made them for friends from that point forward, AND that was the same holiday OSD told me only "blood family" mattered, AND that was the year I decided to never help put up the tree again - it was all on DH.  I put away the ornaments left that I valued (DH WAS a part of a bunch of lost ornaments when we were first together too) into a different place and just started using them again a couple years ago. I put away all the ornaments now, DH puts the tree away.

God forbid DH ever wants to do a real tree again. I've told him that's fine, but he's in charge of finding, paying, putting it up watering and discarding it. He loses enthusiasm then.

YSDstb18 really doesn't care about the holidays. DH gets depressed. This year, I'm doing my own thing 100%. I will make plans, do things with friends, have several bakes planned. DH is, as usual, in charge of Xmas dinner and YSDs gifts.

If my SDs were grown and out of the house, there's zero way I'd let them do any decorating. Your DH is crazy. I mean, my OSD as a pre-teen wanted to decorate a certain way. Um, NO. My house, I'm the adult. It's YOUR tree. Put your strong foot down.

Catmom024's picture

"You are not a victim. "  Uhm...exactly who DOES he consider the victim?  SD??  You ARE and have been the victim!  Sounds like he's going into guilty daddy rabid defense mode.

Deciding when to put up the tree, and decorating it,  is the lady of the house's domain with her partner assisting (maybe).

SD is p*ssing on your territory and your husband is so awestruck at the thought of her being there he's lost all sense.  I would be BEYOND p*ssed.

Do you think she wants something from him and this is her way of buttering him up?

I hate the holidays.  Even though my SO's adult children don't darken out doorstep I have PTSD and worry they'll pull a stunt like this.  Plus my SO mopes because none of his children want anything to do with him.  He'll spend Thanksgiving and Christmas hoping for a text.  Happy freaking holidays. 

 I hope she cancels and breaks your idiot DHs heart into a million pieces.   Although he'll probably blame you.

Newimprvmodel's picture

She has never ever participated in any holiday. I don't understand why she would want to put up my tree with all my kid ornaments and life ornaments that she has refused to be a part of. I do think DH might be deluded on this. That she wants to do this with him.  He's telling himself a story. He's still trying.  At my expense. My daughter tells me not to sweat it. She doesn't see it happening either. Feels she is superficial with him. Me?  I wear my heart on my sleeve. What I should have done today was not to react. Pretend it was fab and then deal with it if it happens. Instead I am too honest and not a manipulator. Damn. Lol. 

Catmom024's picture

I'm the same,  I would have showed my honest response.   It may be a case of DH saying "oh, stop in for Thanksgiving,  we can put the tree up while you're there!  It'llbe fun!" and her just saying,  "yeah, sure thing" but not really agreeing to it.  Fingers crossed. 

AgedOut's picture

No. You do not have to play lets pretend in your own home. In your home you get to feel what you feel and if he doesn't like it tough boogies for him. 

As for the tree, take yourself to the Big Lots for a $10 tree, then thedollar store, buy them some shiny cheapos and let them have their little moment, just not w/ your traditional ornaments. Have them put it in an obscure corner of a room barely used. Then later you can do your own tree and if he whines, remind him that he got his new tradition w/ her but you will not be giving up your time honored tradition. You will not be disrespected in your own home. 

Harry's picture

Of course you are the victim.  DH and SD are ganging up on you. They are telling you what going to happen in your home.  You must tell DH. His kids are not allowed in your home. He can take them to an Air B&B.  Maybe they can put up a tree there. 
Tell him, that this is your home< your tree,  you will put it up .  Not his disrespectful SD.  It would be over my dead body before they touch my ornaments.  SD will break them,  stand your ground. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Saying "You are not a victim" while victimizing someone is similar to a leaked audiotape i listened to of a famous Hollywood guy taking advantage of a young woman in a "casting couch" situation. He kept repeating "It's ok." over and over in a non-threatening voice. Almost like a vocal tic, like if he said it enough she would believe it. It was definitely not ok!


Olivia2020's picture

but they have to put it OUTSIDE, on the side of the house, maybe open the curtains to see it from inside, lol! A big NOPE, hold your ground, who will end up cleaning it all up and watering the tree? Hide the ornaments too, she might break some just to be a little b-word.