My Journey Through Step....err T H*ll is Coming to a Close
I had a counseling session today and told counselor that I am truly tired of the back and forth H does. The last accusations from him were it for me. That I can't keep wasting what time I have left on this planet hoping he will "see the light".
She totally understood.
I told her I was going to go back and live in the warmth and comfort of my DD's family and grandchilldren. That I am not dellusional to think DD and I will not have our disagreeements but there will not be the DRAMA the snarky lies, the scheming T does to manipulate her Father.
We talked about how I am going to let him know and if I wanted a divorce or just a legal separation. Don't know. Just want peace, quite and a normal life - whatever normal is.
After dinner DD and her hubby and I are going to sit down and talk about the house, to sell it, to rent it out; what is best for me. Her hubby says that when I make up my mind on things he will take care of all the details (he is an executive in a Fortune 100 co.so he knows how to get things done and to delegate when necessary) They are here for another week and then we ALL will go back up North together.
I don't know if this makes sense, but part of me feels happy, glad and even excited to move on. The other part is sad and feels a loss. The combination of the two is overwhelming.
Good for you, and I think
Good for you, and I think your feelings are normal. You've given him lots of chances and he's shown he can't separate himself from T.
I get it, I was only in the
I get it, I was only in the trenches for seven years before Spawn up and disappeared like a fart in the wind. But those seven years made me think living in a car in a bad neighborhood would have been more inviting.
Take it day by day, be sad when you need to be sad, and celebrate the little things that make you happy. Best to you!
I'm glad that you have
I'm glad that you have decided to go home with your DD and SIL. I was worried that you would spend another 6 months waiting for your H to see the light and see TWIT for what she is.
Eight years of my life wasted
Eight years of my life wasted dealing with T nonsense. Enough is ENOUGH! I have been gaslighted, humiliated by T, lied to, told I didn't understand and all kinds of things to make me believe that what she was doing was normal. It was not. One of my vivid memories is her "dancing" down my driveway chanting that she was not normal and neer had been! She knows what she is and is proud of it. When I asked her about what she had done there, she just looked at me blankly and said she didn't know what I was talking about! I KNOW what I saw and heard. I remember wondering what my neighbors, who were in the next yard were thinking as she danced around. BIZZARRO!
I am angry that H knew what she is and never shared it with me expecting me to fall in line like the rest of the lemmings in her immediate family.
Grandkids have assured me that I will never have to worry about shoveling snow again.
So sorry
I am so sorry after all the time, effort, and love you poured into your marriage it is ending. However, this sounds like a wonderful opportunity for you to be loved and supported by your family. Please don’t be a stranger on here as many of us admire your courage and fortitude. Best wishes for a peaceful future.
Hi Mountains - Thank you for
Hi Mountains - Thank you for your kind remarks - makes me blush. I'm just an oldlady trying to cope with something I have never run across before.
I'm so happy for you! I know
I'm so happy for you! I know, the best is yet to come for you! You deserve all the happiness! And I've been there, there will be tough moments - but that's what they are, moments. They dont last forever, and they will pass. And right behind it is all that happiness. XOXO
You are MIGHTY! You are ULTIMATE!!
Hat Tip to ChumpLady & the Chump Nation for the MIGHTY.
I am so proud of you. I've read your journey, and you helped me see some of myself, too. Being that loving, kind, empathic person who is 100% abused & used & lied to & gas-light... who almost gets eaten alive by the stress & anxiety... who ultimately (& with the help of this ST community!) wakes up to what it REALLY takes to attain peace & freedom from the demons of our partners' past that refuse to stay in the past.
Sending you hugs & appreciation,
Good for you!
Good for you. You have taken the time you needed to come to this decision and I think you are going to be much better off. Once you get moved, let your son-in-law help you find a good lawyer and go in for a consultation. The lawyer will be able to advise on what would be best from a financial perspective as to whether you start with a legal separation or go straight to divorce.
SDM, you don't have to make
SDM, you don't have to make any final decisions about the marriage just now. You've decided to move closer to family, and that's enough for the time being. See how you feel once you're settled, see how your H reacts, and take it from there.
I wish you all good things in this next chapter of your life.
Hi there Julie - I am in line
Hi there Julie - I am in line with what you thing about what to do with the marriage. I will be in a much better place to deal with all that when I feel safe and secure with people that love and care about me.
You only live life once
You have to do what’s best for yourself. You should only live with people who love and respect you. Your DH doesn’t respect you. He likes craziness, he get craziness , He happy.
Well, this really sucks but
Well, this really sucks but you have to do what is best for you. He had his chance and he just can't keep the crazy out of your lives.
Of course, you are excited to move on and finally be done with her, but it's only natural that you feel sad and feel a loss, as well.
As I was reading thru forum
As I was reading thru forum posts I came across a post you had made almost 7 years ago. Your DH was finally admitting something, and you hoped that he was seeing the light. Unfortunately that was not true then. And after countless false starts it's not true today.
I am sorry that you are having to end things - but you are right to look out for your welfare. We are about the same age (73 for me). I realize that I do not have decades left to live. This is it.
I so understand what you mean about the PTSD aspect of things. About 4-5 months after the home invasion by SS and his GF I was put in a situation where I could potentially have been at the same event with them. I just freaked out at the thought of having to be around them. Even here on Steptalk many people were not at all supportive - just said I should take the high road. But when you are truly traumatized (even if others don't think you should be traumatized) it's not just something you can ignore and pretend like it doesn't exist.
It's now been 2 1/2 years since I banned SS from my life and home. I am much calmer now - but primarily because DH has never defended SS's actions, nor has he attempted to coerce me into cracking the door back open for SS. This is PERMANENT. SS could achieve sainthood (HA HA) and he would still be someone that I do not have in my life.
Go and enjoy your time with your daughter and her family. Move in with them for now. But it doesn't have to be forever. Maybe you would be more active in a senior independent apartment complex. Not anything you have to decide today. My BFF (who is now 93 1/2) moved out of her independent apartment to live with her son to help him out financially after his divorce. She has often been very lonely while everyone was at work or in school. At her senior apartment she always had people to interact with.
Best wishes.
Very well said: “When you
Very well said: “When you are truly traumatized (even if others don't think you should be traumatized) it's not just something you can ignore and pretend like it doesn't exist.”
Taking the high road to me is too often just another way of saying make yourself a doormat. Taking the high road is reserved for the occasional situations like where you go to your uncle Harry’s funeral, even tho. you never really knew him that well and would prefer to be elsewhere. That’s taking the high road. Taking the high road is NOT letting someone treat you like a piss-ant for the 100th time. Too many people think that as a SM with adult SKs, you are just involved in their lives 5 minutes here, 30 min. there a couple of times a year, so if they want to treat you like daddy’s ho those few times a year, what’s the big deal?
AND, chronic-PTSD is real for a lot of SMs, and all it can take is one event. I know I still have to think twice or thrice or so about every event I’m invited to with my DH, since my major butt-kick slam by my DH’s adult children, that on some level included DH himself. As a bio-less SM, seeing my husband back then decide to side with his ex- and SKs over me, even tho. he was more or less Shanghaied by them, has left me now having to wonder who is going to be there for me when I really need it? What if his ex- and I get seriously ill at the same time? Is he going to run off to support this ex- for the kids’ and gkids’ sake? Or, is he going to be there for me, his wife of many years, like you’d think any real husband would be? I’m married to this man! Why should I even have to ask myself that?
After that incident, I have to ask myself all sorts of questions I never thought would cross my mind. And, it doesn’t help that there was already one well-known incident posted on these pages where a DH’s ex- got cancer, and he wound up leaving his current wife and his child with her, to go back to his ex-, because he just “had to” be with her and his initial family. So, yeah, shiatsu like that does and can happen, and there are many other such examples here and elsewhere. So, it is not just “overly-sensitive” SMs’ imaginations, by any means.
Currently, I go with my DH to events that I choose to attend. He knows sometimes I’ll just say, “I’m not going this time,” for whatever reason. When my adult SKs started having kids of their own, I thought it’d be different, maybe with the gkids, but their parents’ lack of ease with me and my lack of ease with them. . . I can already see that translating to the gkids. We’ll see. . . At some point I think I may just stop going to these events altogether, simply because for the 1,000+ time, I don’t want to be around them and feel like a) I’m dad’s ho vs. wife, and b) I don’t want to feel like I have to always be on my guard waiting for another butt-kick slam to drop, along with all of the humiliation, fear, betrayal, etc. that goes with it.
Yes, best wishes to you!, and take some joy in the fact that you now have several monkeys off your back. Not my monkey, not my zoo is truly real for you now.
Well said
It's pretty sad when our trust in our DH goes out the window - when we wonder if he really WILL be there through thick and thin or will he choose the easiest route of throwing us under the bus so he can have 5 minutes of approval from skids and possibly XDW. It doesn't do much for our visions of a typical marriage and being supposedly cherished. We deserve more.
Like you, I've had too many experiences of DH not being there for me and feeling betrayed - especially with SD. In October a man accused me of something I didn't do. When I looked over to DH he was moving away from me, distancing himself, remaining quiet while I had to defend myself. While at a meeting a few weeks later I noticed DH and the same man who abused me were chatting as if they had been close friends. I asked DH to sit with me at the meeting, he refused and crouched down in a corner. This time something changed in me. I didn't simply whine and let it go in time as in the past. I stayed on his a$$ for 6 months until he finally took action. At one point during this time he even threatened divorce and I said it might be a good idea. Even after he took action and told the man off I made DH's life a living hell.
SDM taught me a big lesson. She and I are close to the same age. We deserve to be happy for the remaining years we have on this earth. If I ever even get a hint that DH is not on my side he will be out the door just like SDM's DH was.
Yes, you are correct. H
Yes, you are correct. H would make a step or two forward whee i looked promising and then Twit would re-enter and back he would slide.
This latest episode of her changing her phone numbers etc. is just one more thing in her bag of evil to keep H tied to her. Just like she does her "babies". I have no doubt that he biggest reason H, nor I, was invited to that wedding was because of Twit's evil back biting, poor me, mouth. One thing she cannot stand is for her "babies" to like any one other than her. They are HER's!
The three of them love this game.
You DH loves the game playing. He will, it will never change.
I don't know if he loves the
I don't know if he loves the game playing, but T sure has him hooked on it.
She eventually will surface and call her Father when she thinks he has been punished enough and wants something from him, etc. But that is HIS problem now.
SDM,
SDM,
On the one hand I am thrilled for you. Moving is IMHO exactly what needs to happen. Surround yourself with the love and support of YOUR family. On the other hand, DH's insane commitment to maintaining his connection with crazy is disappointing.
As others have recommended, it is probably best to take a pause on making a decision on the marriage and whether to divorce or separate. However, I would recommend that you to take the self preservation stance and do what you need to do to minimize the financial risks to yourself. DH will more likely than not head immediately back to Twit's sphere of influence and she will do whatever she can to profit from the situation. Lock up your financial security tight. Even if that means DH will have to suffer at the hands of his toxic spawn.
Please stay active as a STalker. Your wisdom, experience and good heart are critical to this community.
Take care of you.
Hi Rags - Only have a few
Hi Rags - Only have a few minutes before we get back on the road home this morning. You and the others are right about not making any major decisions about anything right now. SIL has talked to lawyers about the house etc, and since it is mine purchased with my inheritance money and only in my name H and T are flat out of luck.
SIL has a real estate manager taking care of the house, keeping things neat outside and checking on it etc. The general consensus going around my family is that I should keep it so they can all go down there in the cold winter for some warmer weather. We will see.
H has been ringing up my cell lbut I don't answer....not interested or up to it. All calls go to voice mail or whatever it is called these days.