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Lack of privacy living with adult SD

Shannon61's picture

Surely I can't be the only one going through this foolishness. I live with DH and SD(26) and when I want private time alone I go in our bedroom and close the door . . it's my own private space. If I do this every night of the week, what's the big deal I'm an adult? I'm minding my own business and not bothering anyone.

DH feels that I'm isolating myself from him and SD and it hurts his feelings. He acts like SD is 5 and I need to spend time playing with her or nuturing her which is ridiculous BS. She also spends alot of time behind her closed bedroom door. I've explained to him that adults need privacy and space and as long as she's in the house we really don't have privacy because we never know when her bf or gf will drop by. And she's nosey to boot.

But he wants to pretend we're one big happy family. It's bad enough we no longer have a sex life because she's always here, and now my moronic DH wants me to leave the door open every night like we're the Waltons or something. WTF, it's not going to happen.

How have others dealt with privacy issues with adult steps living at home?


oneoffour's picture

Offer to take all the doors off all the rooms in the house so no one feels left out.
How stupid is he?

Ask your SD with him around ..."Hey SD, your dad thinks I am being rude when I spend some downtime on my own in the evening. You don't mind do you? And he wants us to leave our bedroom door in case... well I don't know. Maybe you have a nightmare? What do you think? Do you feel left out?"

Orrr... you can tell him he is exactly right and YOU feel left out of HER life everytime she spends time in her room alone with the door shut.

See what he says then.

ybarra357's picture

Wants you to leave the door open? Gimme a friggin break! That is completely ridiculous. I sometimes go into my room and read. It's quiet and it relaxes me as well. I wouldn't go for that either.

Shannon61's picture

Thanks everyone for responding . .I love the one about taking the doors off the hinges. DH knows I value my privacy and we discussed it before I moved in with them (which I was against I might add). It's clear DH is a moron. If he mentions it again . .I'm going to lock him out of the bedroom! Smile

Margieb's picture

Help my 27 yr old SD lives with us and she has 2 small kids its really anoying because daddy wants to shelter her like she is 5. She is an unfit mother doesnt care for them like she should and she makes every excuse on why she needs us to watch them.

Matchmadejns's picture

My BF tried to pull that the first night his daughter moved in with us. I asked him what on earth he was doing opening the door I had just closed to go to bed now that we no longer live alone. He said, well I always slept with the door open when she lived with me before. I sat up in the bed and loudly said, "well if you don't mind that she hears us doing our all means, leave it open. If you do mind, shut it." It has not been an issue since. My God, she was 19y/o at the time for cryin out loud. Ughhh. My children were taught very young that a closed door means privacy and you must knock before you are asked to come in. I never locked my door for emergency reasons...never had to. If my door was open, they could come in anytime Smile

AVR1962's picture

I'm not sure I understand where your husband is coming from. Our steps are raised and we only have a bio left at home and I still go to my bedroom for my own time. It might be 8 pm and I'll get in my pjs and watch TV in bed or read a book, I find it relaxing and has nothing to do with seperating myself from the family.

auroradusknd's picture

It's time for her to move out. Help her get set up on her own in a reasonable amount of time of course. Maybe offer to pay for some technical certification (like a nurses assistant) Short easy course small monetary donation = investment in your sanity. Plus it looks good. You help her out while getting her out of your house. Double bonus!

Shannon61's picture

Stilltrying is right, they are manipulative b!@!@. I can't wait for SD to move out. This gal will be 27 soon and I'm just about at the end of my rope. Everybody knows it's time for her to go.

She has a master's degree for goodness sakes and has convinced her dad that she can't find a job (I know better). Secretly DH wants her to stay as long as possible, but I've told him that if she's still here next year, I was leaving and I mean just that. She's been here since we got married, so I've never had complete privacy in my own home. I don't know what it's like to walk around the house in a sexy nightie, because she may walk in on us. Before this, I lived alone and loved it so it's been a major adjustment.

Finally, more manipulation - DH told me she told him "I don't think Shannon likes me". I told him she needs to focus and concentrate on getting a job and leading her own life, and keep my name out of her mouth. I also told DH not to ever mention any foolishess she's said to me again.

Orange County Ca's picture

Tell DH that if his daughter is going to live there she needs to pay rent. Check the newspapers and Craigslist to see what the going rate is.

My experience was that given a choice of paying rent to us and living under the heel of parents or paying rent to a stranger the latter was much more agreeable.

Shannon61's picture

DH refuses to take any rent since she's not working (living off her savings). When she was working he charged her a whopping . . $85 per month. This is the reason she doesn't want to move .. Where else can she find those rates, and not have to contribute anything else to the household. He's made things so easy for her that she doesn't want to face the real world.

Shannon61's picture

DH makes excuses for her such as "she's looking for work, and I know she wants her own place." The truth of the matter is that he doesn't want her to move out. When she stays away at a friends for a few days . . he makes a big commotion about it like she's been away for a month.

She's living off her savings from when she worked and pays her own car note, insurance and cell phone bill. She buys food ($35 a month if that much) for the house and that's it.

I get sick of coming home from work seeing her face . . . knowing she should have been gone long ago. DH treats her like a 12 year old and she acts accordingly. She has no personal pride, therefore I have no respect for her and am losing respect for DH as well.

Tx mommy of 3's picture

It is probably awkward for her too and that is why she stays in her room. I agree she needs to move out though. Almost 27?! And she has a Masters? I know the economy is bad but walmart is always hiring. It may not be in her field or using her degree but it'll pay for her to move out, gain independence and pay her bills. I could pay my own apartment and bills while in college workin part time!! Surely she can find some sort of job before she finds a 'real' job. Sheesh! Set a date and kick her out!

Shannon61's picture

DH wouldn't hear of kicking her out. I can't even get him to set a deadline for her to move when she does start working. I agree that she can find something until she can start work in her field. She's not to motivated as far as I'm concerned.

It wouldn't be so bad if she were humble, kind, helpful and the kind of SD I hoped should would be. But instead she's lazy, selfish, manipulative and has all the answers. As far as I'm concerned, she's just in the way and no help to us at all. I know that's kind of harsh, but it's the way I feel. From day one she's never cooperated with what we've asked her to do and has caused conflict by going back on her word.

DH and BM have done a terrible job of teaching her the importance of character and preparing her for the reaol world . .the world where you do what you have to (as long as it's not breaking the law) to take care of yourself and pay the rent. . . and not depend on daddy as your safety net when you're almost 30 years old. I guess they don't teach that in the Master's program either.

Shannon61's picture

I wanted to do that, and we offered to get her her own place, but SD caused a fuss because she wanted to stay here with us to finish school. And now she's still here. She knows she's not wanted here and has made the comment on more than one occasion. The bigger question is . .why would you want to be here with us in the first place.

She sleeps all day and is on the computer at night. DH thinks she's looking for work, but I believe she's playing games. She'll go for an interview here and there, but so far nothing. Her family BM and other relatives are helping her financially . . .further enabling her. It's wonderful to have a family who will help you, but since they don't live here they don't see that she's not really making much of an effort.

Shannon61's picture

It is sad indeed. He'd never admit it, but if he had his way she'd stay here forever and always be his little girl. He doesn't realize that her lack of growth is also a reflection of him. I think the only thing they taught her was the importance of a college education. . . period. Not sure who's sadder DH or SD.

Shannon61's picture

Indeed. No one has taught her self-reliance . .the most valuable lesson she can ever learn inside or outside a classroom. Her family has put her on such a pedastal that she thinks everyone will cater to her, so she's never developed a pleasing personality or character so no one is beating down the door to hire her . .even with her degrees. So in the meantime, we're stuck with her until she gets her sh*! together.

The best thing you can teach your kids is to be a decent, kind and loving human being to their fellow men! Period! I say this because SD once told me that she "didn't like people."