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Husband threatening to leave over SD19

Freshstart's picture

Last night was the "Come to Jesus" discussion.

DH said he wants to leave because "someone need to consider the impact on him."

For a while now it has felt to me that DH is losing faith in me. We had united for a stage over SD19 and a number of things she does and her attitude to m. He was kind and we got into to a routine that managed her better. We saw a counsellor.

Over time DH pulled away.

his attitude is "that's all fixed now".

My reality is that SD19 is still a fixture in our house every second week and based on doing a "double degree" will be here for at another 3 years. Every friend and family member and 2 very lovely housekeepers have noted that she strongly dislikes me and is VERY attached to her dad however over time her methods are more and more clever.

Do you know what I hate? She has the power to come and go and just mess with our world with her complex crazy games and obsession with her daddy. I want to come and go. I can't. I have a full time job, a 6 year old and a mortgage. None of these things are allow me to come and go or even fit in a bikini wax.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

You need to call his bluff. He is using emotional blackmail to get his way. If it works it will never get better.
My DH threatened divorce over adult SD - SHE IS 36 years old! I said fine and we ll tell our friends that we are divorcing because I dont get along with his daughter.

DH realized I was dead serious. That stopped the threats and he backed off. This was a hill to die on for me.

Do not allow yourself to be manipulated or bullied. Stand strong and confident in what you need to be happy.

SugarSpice's picture

this is an excellent approach. your husband is a passive aggressive bully. he is also putting sd over you, and you are his wife.

call his bluff. call all your friends and tell them the plans to divorce. better yet, tell sd that this is bad karma to come between a man and his wife.

Rags's picture

Definitely push the issue. Next time he so much as hints at leaving, dial the locksmith immediately and request an emergency service to rekey your locks. Tell him to pack his shit because he has until the locksmith arrives to get what of his he will take but he is leaving because you are through with his threats.

I would bet big money that he will backpedal most notably when you call him on his bullshit.
Yes, he should be considered but only as an element of the marriage and family neither of which should tolerate his crap.

Steppy MN2's picture

My now ex DH threatened the same thing because of issues with his daughters (at first he acted like we were a united front but that didn't last long). I called him on it and he quit, well sort of, then he would use the phrase "this just isn't working for me". He kept that up for a while and then went back to the divorce threat but he always would say "I'm thinking about getting a divorce" or "I think I'm going to file for divorce in the next day or two. But things really spiraled downward when one of his daughters complained that I hated her and the other one wouldn't come and see him because of me. Once they ratcheted that crap up then it wasn't long til he moved out and filed. He tried to give me the reasons that I had done this or that or didn't do this or that or whatever to him. What it came down to was he chose his daughters over his marriage. I never stood a chance unless I would have continually fawned all over and showered his daughters with all kinds of time and attention so maybe they would "like" me.
Just sharing my experience with the whole thing. I hope things turn out how you want them to turn out. I know how impossible the situation can be to deal with especially when you DH doesn't give you the love and support you deserve as his wife.
It'd be nice if they would tell you when they talk about getting married........."oh,just so you know, I'm really already married to my kids" so don't expect me to put our marriage above that one.
(Good thing I'm not bitter, right?)

SugarSpice's picture

you are good to be free of all this.

you dont need the heartache. he is in a little foursome with his adult daughters. this is what he needs. in the process he is messing up their chance to havea normal relationship with men their own age. sick. very sick. its sick and twisted and too involved.

let his daughter have him.

you need to let go and you will be happier in the long run.

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

It's sad where he thinks it's choosing side instead of doing the right thing. Those are two different ideas ~ I am sure the dialogue from you is ~ I just want to be treated fairly ~ her dialogue , is you chose her over me ( your own flesh n blood)

You have to learn what your "worth" is in this family. Are you a partner through and through or just when she (Sd) acts out then he sees the light. You have to be of some value to him other than the bedroom.

I feel like exactly situation in my house but it's just in my head. Cause I know in the future that resent will build and so afraid of hearing ~ I lost all those years of her life because I wasn't the father I should have been. ( my internal dialogue will be ~ for 4 years your daughters behavior is more than dispicable ~ I can put my head on my pillow at night and know I did what I did with an honest heart & did what was necessary )

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

Cat ~

I know it's in my head cause he reassures me he is with me. And that she wants to be an adult and make adult like decisions. I just couldn't dream of letting my relationships w my own kids to where their relationship is now.

The epic disrespect and entitlement her BP allowed is atrocious !

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

I guess it all comes down to being an active parent ~ being present in their lives is important. While my kids are under my roof ~ they will be expected to be respectful to everyone. They have their own peers/siblings that they can bitch to if they don't like my rules.

When your raised by wolves ~ you end up a wolf. Right ??

positivelyfourthstreet's picture

My AH threatened to walk out in January and I wish he would have

A day or so after he said it, I told him it might be best for all of us

"Do you have someplace to go? (no). "How would we go about it? Just split everything down the middle and go our seperate ways?" (yes). "What about the kids? Every other weekend and Wednesdays?"

At this point he realized I was serious and began to backtrack

I guess he's not through playing with me and torturing me yet

When they are weak enough to make threats like that they deserve to have someone take them at their word and act accordingly.

If these asshats were really serious we would have been served a long time ago

positivelyfourthstreet's picture

Yep all this and ED too!

Oh happy days.

I know it was such a struggle for you and dammit you tried everything to mend it all

But you were the only one making a sincere effort

I'm sorry things didn't work out for you

Since HE is walking away maybe there's a chance he'll do it quickly and peacefully.

This is rare with PDs though.

I'm glad you'll soon be safe from their abuse


sandye21's picture

My DH used to threaten to leave on an average of every 6 months. I was held hostage for over 20 years with it. The main thing that held me back from telling him to leave was the money. The house was mine, but he would have been able to claim part of the nest egg that I'd worked hard to save up. Since I've not had to deal with the B.S. from DH and SD, I've been able to work on my self worth. Finally I told him to leave if he wanted to - and have held to that since. The last time was two years ago and he backtracked very quickly when I calmly told him I would buy him out.

You are worth more than this. As Just Wow wrote, tell him you will help him pack and if he wants to stay he will have to present a united front to SD.

SugarSpice's picture

same here. everytime we have a big disagreement. i tell dh to go to the house of the skids. i dont call him because i dont care where he goes to.

dh has forgotten and forgiven all the crap skids gave him all the years (nappies to adultood) they were living with bm.

once dh was upset over something of the skids did and they told him, "deal with it."

today dh was whining about something in his controlfreak way, so i told him to "deal with it." he got angry, as usual, about throwing something up in his face that was painful about skid. i told him i was merely quoting skid in what was said to his face.

verdict: dh will take no limit of crap from skids, but when i use the trick he finds it offenseive.

Freshstart's picture

Hello there. We have just been to see the counsellor separately. I reached out to her and she recommended that was the best plan.

Thankyou so much for your feedback. Read everything twice just now.

It really helped talking to the counsellor alone. I do not talk to other people about any of this. One learning for me is that although I have a good job, good friends and a supportive though distant family, I am really alone in this part of my life. My dad is possibly an exception. He is kind and cares about my well-being and is cautiously supportive of me just doing some more stuff for me. My mum is someone who is not so interested in my experience of life so I do not have the path that many women do to confide in a mother who really cares about them. My best friends see it with their own eyes but because my work and life is so busy, I have incorrectly chosen to not have them around. This site and the counsellor are my outlets.

I want to not be scared. I feel brave that I have faced the worst of it. Second marriage break down. How to manage the loss for a 6 year old? Where do I live? is it true that I thought I found someone who viewed me as his special princess only to find out he already had one. The truth is that I adore my husband. I love him. The worst sentence in the last few days was "I loved you but I love my daughter." Semantics I know but.......

I am ok with being by myself. I do not mind living off my salary and living in my own apartment. These are good things to confirm in your own heart.

I love my husband. My husband makes parenting decisions that are alien to me and cause me pain by allowing a person to enter my house every second week and be disrespectful. My son would never be allowed to do that. I am a good person. My SD19 is better off for me turning up because I have assisted with her development and independence.

I eneter this next stage with a clear conscience and with pride.

Bring it on.

Freshstart's picture

I like your counsellor. She sounds good. Wish ours had spelled this stuff out. So good to read a resolved story.

My brain is all fog. I need to process everything.

Sammy3355's picture

Two years ago my relationship with my partner was at an all time low. My SS26 decided I did not crawl enough, anything I did was wrong, the more I was nice the more he slapped me. Even in my lowest time when I was ill in cancer he managed to convinced his Father that I was lazy and just laying about in bed. During all this time, he ignored my 16 years old boy who really wanted to talk to him, then my partner began to distant himself from my son. By which stage, my son had grown to like and trust him.

Eventually I had had enough. I had it out with my SS26 and my partner. I was ready to end the relationship. Although we were going counselling, my partner was in consist denial. We both got tired of the frustration and was ready to finish. In the midst of planning my move, I think reality hit, good friends told him the truth. He approached me and asked me to reconsider and build on the relationship. Since then our relationship has gone from strength to strength.

All I know, it is not worth having a relationship if he is not going to stand up to his children and create boundaries. My advice is to woman up. know that you deserve better and there. My experience is that it only gets worst if your husband only wants to defend and enable his children. It hurts, it is hard ....... but years from now you will be so happy that you did this.

If things changed with my partner today, I will definitely not think twice of leaving. I refuse to be treated like his youngest child. As predominately he discuss it first with his children then I am told what is going to happen. Never.

Steppy MN2's picture

i'm so sorry i know how painful it is because i am going thru the same situation.........i hate to tell you this but you and I never had a chance from the get-go
believe me they will NEVER give him his balls back, now that they know they can get hi to destroy a marriage they will hold on tighter than ever
i just wish these men would tell you going in instead of the old bait and switch

Freshstart's picture

This made me laugh out loud.

Not sure what to do. We found our way to an improvement and then things erupted again last night. So unhappy.

I feel trapped. It is not that easy for me to just pack my bags and go. I need to figure out about the little one and where to live that would be near his school. Mainly I am so tired and sad and drained that I just cannot think.

Freshstart's picture

Finally I think I have worked it out. My husband cares for me as someone to have sex with. In the meantime his daughter, his sister and his mother are sacred. I was never ever gong to match up to them,.

He got it wrong.

I have worked out that no matter how lazy and spoilt the women in his family are, when it suits I am the "bitch".

I want it all over now. I want a new life for myself and my son.

This is going to sound contradictory but my husband was and will always be my soul mate. At another time and another place, we would have been true partners. Life partners. Meeting someone with a female teenage child is not an equation for success. Especially when the parents have leveraged that child as a pawn in the battle for the remains of their meaning in life.

My husband could not make a fresh start with me. I tried to engage him with a new life but deep down he did not want it.

Thank you folks for beng there.

SIgning off on this stage.

Moving on to the next.

Updates coming after moving and all of that.

sandye21's picture

Good luck to you. At first there may be some painful moments but as time goes by the pain is replaced with relief that you are no longer living with a man who does not respect you as his wife. You have also done your son a big favor. Please keep us posted. (((HUGS)))

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Wow, good for you to take this leap! I think it will bring tremendous relief to you. I have an SD19 and an SD13. The 19yo is an entitled bitch who won't do anything for herself. The 13yo is a moron who acts very juvenile. I'm counting the days until they move out.

Keep us posted on your new adventure and Happy NEW Year to YOU!

~ Moon

Freshstart's picture

OK summary update and help required.

We are not officially separated yet but we have lived apart for 2 weeks because the communications broke down and we both needed to hold down our respective jobs and in my case look after a 7 year old.

We do not have a definite way forward. He said that he wanted to work on keeping me. He asked to meet me a week after that and he said that our problem is that we do not manage conflict well.

That's it. That's his stance.

We are both kind good people and have had a relatively peaceful relationship except when it comes to the issue of how we communicate about his daughter and what out future looks like with her. I want a starting point where he acknowledges that her Mum has poisoned her as ground zero starting point to build from. He will not go there. He will not start talking to me about that reality so we can build a life where he expects me to live with his daughter every second week.

His stance is we have a bad marriage and we handle conflict poorly. Its really disrespectful and a cop out. We have had a great relationship and wonderful times. People who know us comment on the peacefulness. When my son was a six year old he said to me once "Mummy you and DH do not fight". He was telling me that his dad and step mum fight a lot so he likes that DH and I do not. 6 and he could see that!

I love my husband. I don't get what he is doing.

What next?

sandye21's picture

I agree. When DH says have a bad marriage and that you two do not manage conflict well, he should have the reasons for this, including his daughter, then come up with a plan so that there is a win-win scenario for everyone - not just he and SD. HE is the one who threatened to leave. If he wants to work on the relationship he must first open his mind. My DH used to make vague statements like that to avoid dealing with the elephant in the room which was SD, her attitude and her behavior toward me. He could not come up with any but I could, and I informed DH I had witnesses.

Next time your DH wants to meet, give him a list of your issues with SD. If he wants to work on keeping you, he should be able to give you a specific plan of how he is going to resolve them.

Pilgrim Soul's picture

Glad to see you back, Freshstart. Living apart is a good step towards being appreciated more and it seems to be happening.
Your DH seems to be very fearful of admitting that he has caused the rift. Stay your course. How can you solve your issues if you can't even agree on what the issues are? Is there a good therapist you could go see? You need help to figure out a way to make a family that works for all not just for your husband and his daughter. The good thing is she is old enough to be getting ready to leave.

Take heart! And don't love him so much. Stay away. He seems to be coming around.

Freshstart's picture

We just had a terrible argument.

I just love this man. I simply wanted him to outline to his daughter than I was to be treated with respect. So simple.

God I am greif stricken.

Feel so weak and stupid. What a nightmare.

Freshstart's picture

Realised my battle has been holding on to respect for this husband of mine.

The counsellor I saw said "could you respect him in every other except for his blindness when it comes to his daughter?"

I said "How can I as a parent? I love my son but I know that the love I have for my husband is good and pure and separate. If my son ever disrespected my husband, all of us know deep down that it would not get past mummy's radar."

My husband walked out when I said "That's the difference, noone, even my own son would get away with disrespecting you on my watch. In the end you could not do that for me."

He was so angry.

His argument is "I am unclear about what she does." Admittedly whilst the behaviour used to be pretty obvious, it is now more shielded and mainly comes out behind his back. Who cares? Trust your wife or not. That is the only question. There is no proof needed.

Freshstart's picture

One thing I have noticed on this site is many of us go a little insane and there will be the "final straw" scenario that a person will write about at length. Honestly you read it and think, I get it, that was your final straw. At the same time you think, hey you are going a bit mental.

So be patient with me.

Here was my final straw and let me prepare you - it is trivial. Keep in mind there have been many final straws.

A couple of years I have bought my husband an annual wine guide. I love buying presents. Its my thing. For example I am a Christmas freak. In a casual and slightly unusual bit of bonding with SD19, I said something along the lines of "that was really good getting your dad that wine guide that he loved. So hard to buy good presents for men and I got him some great books that he loved this year."

So this year at Christmas she buys him the wine guide and 3 or 4 books which ofcourse he just reads one after the other rather than the books I bought him.

Yes I get it. this is silly of me to care but I do.

Maybe I need someone else who deserves it like a homeless child to buy nice stuff for.

Freshstart's picture

Ok I am on a roll.

During the last argument there was the classic. "Well did you build any bridges with SD?"

The final insult.

sandye21's picture

"Well did you build any bridges with SD?" And what did DH do to help you build these bridges? This is not your sole responsibility. If DH wants you to build a bridge with someone so important to him, he must prepare the foundation. SD must be willing to take a positive part in it too. A bridge isn't constructed over night. It requires caring workmanship from many people or it will fail.

Your concern over the the way he responded to the gifts you gave to him vs. SD's gifts is NOT a 'silly' thing at all. I went through this with my Mother last Christmas. She opened everyone else's gifts and made a big deal out of them, while mine sat unopened for the entire week I was there. I was deeply hurt by her rejection of something that had taken time and thought and care. This seemingly small, insignificant incident was only the tip of a very, very large iceberg.

Did you calmly confront DH about the books? If so, what was his reaction? This is important because if his response was anger and defensiveness it indicates this man is a narcissist who will never make you or your marriage a priority in his life.

When you said, "That's the difference, noone, even my own son would get away with disrespecting you on my watch. In the end you could not do that for me", he should not become angry. If he does not come back to you later and say something like, "I've been thinking over what you said and have decided to work on it a bit better", he is not worth your time and trouble.

misSTEP's picture

I think that you need to go through your grief. This man is not what you thought he was and your marriage is not what you thought it was. Better to get out now than to waste more days, weeks, months, years of getting your feeling and respect trampled upon.

Freshstart's picture

Well I cried all last night. We tried to work it out last number of weeks and summary is that DH advised his intention to leave and make it "short, sharp and final".

He said that I was obsessed with his ex and daughter. Strange since for 3 weeks I mentioned nothing. Even through 3 weeks prior I was sitting next to his phone and noticed a message from his ex - didn't read it all but something about "SD feeling excluded from your family." Definitely saw those words so I said "you have a text from your ex" I waited for a couple of hours and nothing was said so I said only "Can I ask what that was about?" He said "Don't know but if SD is feeling something then she can talk to me." I said "fair enough, funny timing." meaning SD was due over on the weekend and he had asked here a few times if she wanted to come over.

So I did nothing until Easter weekend he is suggesting SD19 drive with us for an hour plus to my family so she does not feel excluded. So yes i reacted and yes we fought. He said "I am not staying in the car all the way if you carry on and i said, don't threaten me and get out then."

Still I am grief stricken. This seems to have been the catalyst for him to decide that we were never meant to be. In his view it has nothing to do with his daughter and the only problem is that I am obsessed with her. His view is that we just were just inflexible people incapable of change and he has done everything he could.

We have counselling session tonight pre-booked. I am inclined to not go at one level because I do not want more insults and justification pummelling me however we do need to sort out serious stuff like selling the house and how I tell a 7 year old etc.

He has moved out for 4 days in a one bedroom flat and I have asked him to find long term accommodation.

Do I go to the counselling session?

ps he has read my posts and has checked my phone messages. I have nothing to hide and believe in openness however did not like that he did that. I am not ashamed of seeking comfort and advice here either. I have tried not to show my sadness to family and friends and think that reaching out to people here who get it is just good group therapy.

sandye21's picture

"Do I go to the counseling session?" Please go. Go for yourself. Then, in front of the counselor, ask DH for specifics on how you exclude SD from your family. No vague answers count. My SD did this for over 20 years, DH taking her side against me. Then I asked for specifics and the game changed a whole lot. He could not come up with one thing.

Besides that, your DH is being a jerk. Don't allow him to threaten you. It's emotional abuse. He is doing this for one of two reasons: 1. He really wants to end the relationship but wants to blame it on you so he doesn't look bad. Or 2. He is trying to manipulate you into being a doormat.

Rags's picture

So, tell DH fine, file for divorce first, and nail his ass for a pile of CS for the next 12 or more years. SD is an adult and no longer in the picture from a CS perspective. That means your DH will be on the hook for shit tons of CS for your kid. }:)

Next time he plays the manipulative games, call his bluff and nail his ass to the wall.

And ..... have fun doing it.

I am assuming that your DS-6 is your DH's child too.

Freshstart's picture

DS-7 is mine from a previous marriage.

get the impression he is done with me. I think he found it too hard to handle the reality of the impact of the vicious circle created by his daughter being poisoned and turning up in our home every second week. He just could not cope with the fall out.

Rags's picture

My condolences on your DH and his lack of character.

Please do not look at this as entirely a bad thing. You have the opportunity of a do-over and to start a new and exciting phase in your life.

Take care of yourself and your boy.

Good luck.

Stormyweather's picture

My take after reading everyone's posts in response to yours?? Why would YOU want to continue to be with a man who consistently invalidates your thoughts and emotions? How draining and emotionally abusive. Get out now in order to start rebuilding your self esteem. So sorry you had to go through that feeling if always feeling second best. Hugs x

SugarSpice's picture

agree with this. gas lighting is a form of emotional abuse. dh is probably all hung up on sd because she is an extension of himself and mirror, and therefore like the ideal wife.

let him have her. this is what i am doing. i feel so much better now. dh can threaten all he wants. if my dh says he will leave then i tell him to go to the apartment of sd and stay there.

SugarSpice's picture

threats to leave are abuse and they are blackmail. dh said this to me all the time when i commented on the skids. finally i just told him to do it. i also want dh to leave. his other option is to spend all of his time with skids until they tire of his hanging around. that will come sooner or late.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

This scenario is so much like mine. SD19 comes home from college for summer and winter breaks and the house becomes toxic. Do I really have the emotional strength to deal with an ODD SD19 who has a PROVEN track record of being an ass? Do I really want to stick around to watch SD13 who identifies as a boy, start HS this fall and handle THAT mess?

If I didn't have my dogs, I would be gone already.

~ Moon