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How to drop the hint about SD19 moving out?

Freshstart's picture

Did anyone tackle this? SD19 showing no signs of travelling or looking to rent out of the home or go to college on exchange somewhere else for example.

DH and I have both said that we think it would be good for her to travel and or study overseas. I keep hearing stories about other 17, 18 and 19 year olds doing that or at least getting full time holiday jobs. Not my SD.

The issue I think is that she is over attached to her dad and does not want to let him out of her sight.

Has anyone else had success? Made some rules? Laid down some boundaries? Had the discussion with the bio parent?

evilstepmotherJ's picture

Time for an Adult living at home contract. Of course, you need to get your DH on board but the contract should list all the requirements for her to stay (including working full time and paying rent) chores, time to get out, etc. Maybe you could tell DH how he is actually hindering her ability to become a productive member of society by coddling her.

edited to add: I would not hint around, I would be very clear with no miscommunication.

hereiam's picture

I am trying to imagine myself in that situation. I got lucky and my SD never lived with us but if she had, it would have been hell getting her out.

I guess the first step is to have a discussion with your DH and the two of you agree on a plan. Don't bother hinting, just have the talk.

Laying down rules that you know she won't want to follow might help but if she's really co-dependent, it might not matter to her.

I take it she is in college but living at home? She definitely needs to get a job during the holidays and your DH needs to make that clear to her. It's time for her to start growing up, even if she is in school.

If your DH does not guide (or push) her towards independence, she will end up like my SD23. She married her first serious boyfriend (after getting pregnant) and is now divorced, has 2 kids, and is back living with BM. I truly believe she will never live on her own, she will either live with BM or with a man (which is exactly what her BM has done). And co-dependents tend to not be too picky about what man they hook up with, as long as he will take care of her. Surely, your DH does not want that for his daughter.

Rags's picture

Turn her in to your beck and call girl/chore bitch. Work her ass off and she will launch. It worked with my SS-22 when he was 18 and not interested in college or a job. He scrubbed, cleaned, sliced, diced, grated, cooked, wiped, mopped, vacuumed, dusted, painted, polished, etc... his ass off and then did it over, and over, and over again for 4mos until he signed up for delayed entry in the USAF. Then he did it all for 4 more mos until he reported for BMT. We wanted him to clearly understand that mom and dad having his back was not a free ride to sofa rodeo stardom and that he would earn his keep one way or the other. Riding the sofa into catatonic immobility should not be an option for a teen or any other young adult. Particularly ones that are out of high school and trying to avoid growing up.

Good luck.

ybarra357's picture

Why 'drop a hint'? Just tell her flat out - no more free rides. You have until X to either get a job, go to school or get out.

hangingbyathread6's picture

I'm sorry but this made me giggle. Certainly one effective way to make sure adult kids don't want to live with parents. Obviously it was very effective...and although you probably didn't appreciate it, I am sorry but it continues to make me giggle.

Freshstart's picture

Thankyou for your comments. I think that if I put my foot down then I need to be certain I am ready for the consequences. DH appears to struggle to do it.

Update is that this last weekend, he said to her, "Have you looked any further into plans to study overseas for an exchange year?". Interesting. Good prospect though no doubt it will be expensive for us. She said, "Oh yeah not really" mumble mumble. He said "what I didn't hear you?" and she said "I'll probably look into it when I have a bit more time on the holidays."

Good that he raised it with her. But he lets her just get away with those sort of answers.

Even with my 6 year old, I call him to account all the time. if he makes a lame excuse, I say "Answer me properly and now go and do that now like I asked."

Parenting I think it is called.

Freshstart's picture

Quick update. Raised with DH that I would like to know his thoughts on SD's path to independence and moving out and he said ..... wait for it ..........."Oh they all stay home until they are 28 these days anyhow."

What the? Only two years ago he said he would like to see her doing something independent at 19. Said that he does not recall that at all now.

Haven't done anything or said anything yet. What would you do?

Still fuming so best to calm down.

hereiam's picture

Oh, boy, that's not good.

I would let him know (once you calm down) that that is just not going to work for you and she is going to have to be out way before 28. If she is that attached to him now, at 19, letting her stay there until she is 28 is a really bad idea and letting her think she can is not going to help her move towards independence. He is NOT helping her.

Twenty-eight? I cannot imagine living at home, with my dad and his wife no less, at 28 years old. I can't imagine my dad ever thinking that would've been ok or normal. But then, he was married at 18.

Freshstart's picture

Hi Saffron this blew me away reading this ~ unnerving to read this after the horrible arguments last night. It was like he thinks I am the bad guy. Every part of her behaviour words or actions that are not ok are conveniently forgotten or overlooked. You are so right. It is very lonely.

Freshstart's picture

Hi Saffron this blew me away reading this ~ unnerving to read this after the horrible arguments last night. It was like he thinks I am the bad guy. Every part of her behaviour words or actions that are not ok are conveniently forgotten or overlooked. You are so right. It is very lonely.

Rags's picture

I'm telling you. Turning her into your chore bitch/beck and call girl will get her out in a hurry. It took 7mos for my SS to hit the road after we turned him into our chore bitch/beck and call boy. He would have been out in 3mos flat if the USAF had been able to get him into his specialty school sooner. He signed up for delayed entry 3mos after we implemented the chore bitch campaign.

Young adult kids have a choice. Do what they are told, when they are told or launch. They do not get to decide how and when mom and dad will support them ... EVER. And particularly not after they turn 18.

We told the SKid to get into any college he wanted to go to and we would pay for it lock stock and barrel. Nope. He was mature enough and knew himself well enough to know that he was not ready and told us that it would only be a waste of our money. We told him to get a job and he could live at home rent free. Nope, he was not interested. We told him that he could get out and figure it out on his own. Nope. So we told him he could live at home but he would do everything, anything, and all things around the house for room a board.

So we worked his ass off.

hippiegirl's picture

Yeah, what Cat said. No No No!

If my DH ever told me skids were living in our house until they were 28, I would pack up my shit and be outta there so fast it would make his head spin!

Freshstart's picture

Here is what I realised recently. If DH wants SD19 to move out, she would have been moved out by now.

Am I wrong here?

Sometimes I think maybe the daughter and mother are in charge. What he has said over and over is that he wants her to move out, travel, do an exchange year overseas, go away to college, flat with a friend, have a boyfriend. What happens is none of these things.

If as a parent he wanted this and was clear to her then it would happen.

I am a parent of a 6 year old and I have no doubt that he will be an independent high achiever all the way. He is 6 and asks if he can take the rubbish out and knows how to change the toilet roll. SD19 has never taken the rubbish out or changed a toilet roll.

hereiam's picture

Well, those are her first two chores. From now on, she takes the trash out and anytime the toilet paper runs out, call her into the bathroom to change it.

I'm sure you can come up with many more.

SugarSpice's picture

the worse thing is when a man puts his daughter and wife on equal terms. hell no.

my male friend once told me his wife was his soul mate and that he loved his daughter but she came second.

i envy that. i only wish my dh had the smarts to think that way.

Stormyweather's picture

Ive been in this situation too with SD19 at the time who was living with us after graduating from school at that time, over a year ago and now its been over 2 nearly 3 years ago.

She STILL dosnet have meaningful employment even after all this time as she made it clear to me that she only wanted to work in the jobs she wanted to work in.... :sick:

To cut a long story short, after this comment was said to me (and I was supporting everyone $$ at the time too)and the fact the DF at the time supported her bludging ways and not me (she wouldnt even do any chores other than her own washing (she treated MY house like it was a motel)they all left.....

Now she is still bludging on her BF's family (I dont care) and still isnt gainfully employed but still manages to live a life of being a Kardashian so lord knows how she finds all this money to fund her lifestyle. Not my problem. DF and i have reunited, but we arent engaged any more and are re establishing our relationship the way I want it to be.

Freshstart's picture

Next update. After a particularly tough 5 days with sd19 I said to dh that I would like a plan for the summer holidays and co not want another 4 months of sd19 home at our place every second week.

Wait for it, he said "you blame sd when you have other problems." I said "like what?" And he said "work and other stuff". I said "thanks for the vote of thanks."

I cannot look at my husband now. Have an overwhelming feeling that I am unsafe and cannot trust my husband to be on my team.

SugarSpice's picture

i know the feeling. when this happens it is time to plot your departure. it is clear he loves his daughter more than you. let her have him. let them have their own twisted relationship. in time the girl will not be able to have a relationship with a young man her age because she to too stuck on daaaaaddy.

Freshstart's picture

Forgot to add the gem if "you need to forget about the past and move on." I said "I support you to have a relationship with your daughter but do not like how she treats me." He said "you just misjudge her."

I want out. Feel sad and trapped.

Feels lie she is the wife because she is the one he holds in high esteem. Cannot do one more long holidays worth.

Freshstart's picture

I am so deflated and unhappy with the outcome of our discussions about this topic.

Summary

DH says that he would like SD19 to move out when she has finished uni - 3 years away - 3 long long years
DH says that she can do what she wants until then and he cannot influence what an adult does
SD19 has managed to minimise holiday work obtained - 3 weeks of 4 months holiday from Uni
DH recommended she travel so she has landed herself 8 days luxury trip to Hong Kong (Daddy paid $100/week since 13 so she is able to finance)
DH tells counsellor how great SD19 is for getting holiday job and travelling overseas

I feel like shit

Meanwhile I work full time in tough job. Have 6 year old who does not get enough of my time and misses me. Turn up and support my husband in everything he does. Cook etc. Am tired and feel like a work horse not loved princess - someone else has that gig. What i do and say seems to get scrutinised. SD is just basically a princess come angel who is amazing because daddy lined her up a 3 week holiday job, bought her a car, financed trip to Hong Kong.

my friends and family tell me to look after myself but I am just tired and over it all. This is not a sexy situation. I feel anything but attractive and sexy. I miss my old self.

SugarSpice's picture

your freinds and family are right. start to put yourself first. leave and take your son with you. make time for yourself and do things for yourself. when you start losing the person you loved being, its time to change. i know how you feel be cause i am there myself. i miss the happiness i felt in life. being made to feel like a mans mistress is painful.

let us know how it goes.

Freshstart's picture

Wanted to share a happy update. We sat down and had a big talk that went well. Apologies and good stuff happening.

In the end, this is going to be the question. Do we love eachother enough to both keep learning together? I was in a bad place because I thought that we had hit the wall but we seem to be climbing over it. I do not regret making myself heard at all.

There is the eternal unanswered question. How does a child get raised that can be so manipulative, confident and hateful to another person? How does a parent stay completely blind to it?

Thankyou so much fellow steptalkers for helping me through yet another rough patch.

Will make sure to stay tuned and pay it forward.

Freshstart's picture

Oh yes I hear you. Good intentioned thoughts transposed into words giving hope to a desperate wife craving her true soul mate may in fact just be a a way to get sex on any given night.

6 year old is mine with ex. DH adores him. I am a mum who raises my child well with boundaries and consequences. As a result, he is a great boy. SD19 circling my son 6 like a shark. Sadly she has figured out the he, not I, hold the key to daddy's heart. She has offered to baby sit. She who cares not for others. baby sat. 6 year old's version is that SD19 watched scary adult tv. Her version is that they played WII and had an awesome night. My child is not their pawn.

This mummy is running away at speed. DH probably tracking this. He did before. He went on this site. Judged all of us as sad losers. I have not changed my id. I said "you know what, I have nothing to hide. Sad that you logged on and tracked my internet history and then trawled through my personal stuff but not ashamed that I go to a site where there are people like me who fell in love and then experienced the reality of step parenting."

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Maybe your DH needed the eye-opener and only had bad things to say because he knew what he was reading was true.

I have an SD19 who is an entitled bitch. She has the nerve to yell at me once in awhile in my own home! I think she has BPD and ODD, just gets her rocks off by acting all big and bad in front of DH. DH will calmly try to talk her down, but no repercussions for her bad behavior towards me. The only way I'll be able to handle this bitch is by picking polar extremes. Either hide in my room, or get in her face.

Anyone ever keep playing the nice card to a deranged teen/young adult SD and then finally snap? I don't even know if snapping would get me to where I want to be. I suggest house rules and things for the upcoming winter break with DH, for when SD19 will be home, and he looks at me like I am nuts.

He just doesn't get it. SD19 is disrespectful and entitled. She has even said to me before, "You don't want us here....." and that was years ago before DH and I had her and YSD FT. Just because I'm tired from the work week, find you annoying and want to rest my back doesn't mean that I don't want you here.

Well, maybe lol. Blum 3 House is always nicer without the horses in it!

~ Moon

Freshstart's picture

DH lets SD treat me the way she does.

He would be better suited to someone who had been willing to put up with that. i am not.