Thank you for asking Exjuliemccoy. My DH is still in the hospital in intensive PT. I go every day and participate in the PT. There is a scheduled release date of Feb. 8th, which will put it 4 weeks at that time. I take it a day at a time. DH is trying hard and the secret will be to keep up PT after coming home. He hates PT, but to keep what we have, we will have to do it. They will send help certain days, weekly, after he comes home.
Adult Stepkids have finally got the picture to contact DH and not bother me. It was a rough first two weeks; but you would be proud how cool I stayed with SD57, just ignored and stayed civil. In previous years I had always kept the communication lines open between everyone and tried so hard to keep the "blended family" together, after 30+ years, I totally disengaged and now they think that should all be forgotten and I should cater to them once again. NOT.
As you know I stepped completely out of the relationship of skids and turned it ALL over to DH. DH does not communicate well with anyone. He assumes a great deal. Therefore, if his kids want to know anything, now, they have to call or ask their Dad. It is very frustrating now that he is ill, for them, too bad . Of course the skids blame me for not keeping them informed. They have been supplied with all the contact information. I'm over it and just ignore them and move forward with DH and our goal to get him home.
Thank you again for checking with me. It is appreciated more than I can express.
So glad to hear your update and that your DH is working hard (with your support) on getting home
Now that the initial two weeks have passed and all the skids know the lay of the land, do you expect them to participate much in contacting your DH from this point forward? I know sometimes the contact is just for show and quickly dropped if SM can't be engaged to play the game...smh
No, the skids won't contact DH much. They never do, I don't expect that to change. They don't want to know the seriousness of the problem. My DH and his kids have a relationship that is weird to me. There is no true connection. This is the way DH and BM's life was, thus the skids are dysfunctional. I guess the word is no "compassion". I have compassion for people in need, these grown skids only focus on their wants. I have always, and will continue, to leave the door open for skids to be able to contact their Dad, even in our home. I have never shut the door on their visits. I just have chosen to not be involved and now leave it up to DH and his dysfunctional kids. I'm amazed at their non-actions.
SD57 and SGD34 (mother/daughter), the toxic of the bunch, made one visit last Sunday. They were very nasty to me as usual. I popped in to spend the evening with DH, Sunday evening, and low and behold, there they were. I just took a seat in the "queen's seat" (my DH's recliner provided), and focused my attention on DH, during the visit. SD57 made it clear, the reason she was in the City, was her GD's basketball game. She was so rude to even DH. SD57 is mad, because DH chose to stay in our marriage, 4 years ago. SS59 and YSS54 have both called and visited with DH (once). I was not present, so don't know how that went and don't care.
I don't miss the head games, now that I am totally disengaged.
Sammi, I am so glad your DH is on the mend and you are handling your disengagement, as always, like the role model you are. With my DH being over a decade older than I am, this is a possibility for my future. I've wondered how I would handle this myself.
You wrote:
"after 30+ years, I totally disengaged and now they think that should all be forgotten and I should cater to them once again. NOT."
Yes, we should just forget everything and pretend it never happened. In fact, a few days ago, my OSD said exactly that to my DH. She wanted to forget it all and put it behind "as though it never happened". She wanted to go back to the way things were before. I am sure that is very convenient for her, but it's not going to work for me. She showed no remorse, no accountability, played victim with her dad to manipulate, and said that screaming "I am sorry" into my voicemail was a sufficient apology. Nope. And not signing up for more.
Best wishes for your DH's continued healing and you have no dumb skid triggers when your DH should be your sole focus.
Yes, SacrificialLamb: This is a way to get you right back in the trap. My SD57 also tried to make amends, but never put the effort into actually sitting down with me and discussing our differences. I don't bite, for hell sakes!
Four years ago, DH ask me "what can we do to fix it all"? I told him that SD57 could sit down with both of us and we can discuss the email and all the issues between us. DH didn't like that idea, because it would bring out all the lies he had told SD about me. He would have to indulge in admitting he betrayed me to her and what issues he discussed with her. So that idea went away with him. Then I told him later, after he asked again; "SD can sit down and discuss with me her issues and we'll go from there." Well, I'm sure he told her what I said, but she didn't attempt to discuss the nasty email she sent and has acted as if it never happened. Of course I still have it and my attorney has a copy also.
Then to top it off; DH tells me Thanksgiving "Just go with me to SGD34's house (SD and family were there also), put on a smile and enjoy yourself." What???? NOT. Of course I didn't attend with DH. I went to my family and he went to his. They have this idea, I should just forget and forgive and they were never wrong.
My problem with letting it go and going back; it will just be the same ole' crap and I have to go thru disengagement again, plus they take my kindness and weakness. Ugh....this will NEVER happen with me. I'm finished and now if SD57 came to me, I would just listen and continue with total disengagement. She is history in my life.
Thank you for asking about my DH. Even though he has been and continues to be a jerk, I will care for him and love him through it all. He is 11 years my senior, we have deep love beyond Skids, and he's given me everything I could want with my comfortable home and my needs.
Mine is also 11 years my senior. DH became a father early in adulthood. As a result, I am only 10.5 years older than my OSD......I am sure she does not like that. She is starting to look even older than I do because she bakes in the sun almost every day during their hot summers. She also won't get her hands on daddy's money until I am gone. Both of my parents are elderly and still living. And I know your DF is past 100! Gasp - what happens if you live that long??? I bet you that has crossed through her self-centered mind.
LOL, I'm sure my SD57 dreads the fact that I may live long enough to witness KARMA visiting her; that is already happening. There is also just 11 1/2 years between SD and myself, 10 years between OSS and myself. SD has baked in the sun for years also, and looks much older than myself and she weighs much heavier than myself.
My Father is doing very well and still lives in his own home alone. He doesn't want to budge, so I leave him in his own environment, thus he will live a happy man.
Sorry to hear about your DH Sammi. Wishes for a speedy recovery - even though PT can be a challenge not only for DH but for you too. You are handling the situation perfectly. When you wrote, "Of course the skids blame me for not keeping them informed", you probably are right but you have gone beyond what many people would do. It is just as much their responsibility to maintain open lines of communication with health professionals as it is yours.
"SD57 made it clear, the reason she was in the City, was her GD's basketball game." Considering the fact that she was uttering these words to her Father who was in the hospital, this statement should should strengthen your resolve to keep this narcissistic, self-centered individual out of your head. Keep going forward. We are here for you.
Thank you sandye21 for your well wishes. Again you are wise to it all.
My skids are in their 50's and should be helping with the situation, not depending on myself or anyone else to get them information. As long as they leave me alone, I don't care what they do. Ugh....
SD always has to throw a pun in, to let you know she is in charge. The comment about "why" she was in town, was rude in my book. Just enjoy the visit with her Dad and she doesn't have to let him know "she didn't come to town, for just him". What a toxic human. That ole' saying..."if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." Doubt SD has ever heard it.
Thank you theoldredhen; I fully intend to keep DH positive and moving forward. The mental state is of most importance. Our home is set up for this and we are doing a few more things to get it ready and complete for him. We purchased this home one year ago, with all of this in mind. It is not sudden, over the years it has progressed.
His grown children are welcome to visit him any time the hospital allows; I have never entered into their time together. They ARE NOT welcome in my home, as long as DH is in the hospital. They can communicate with DH there; they have all the contact information. When DH comes home, they can come to visit any time; but I will NOT hostess them, nor are they allowed to stay overnight in our home. Nobody needs to hold their hand or direct them for goodness sake. They have better incomes than we and they can make their own arrangements.
Thank you for your encouragement and support. As you reminded me, we are not the only people that endure this inconvenience; it will take lots of time and patience and we have practiced this for years, with DH's bad health. Again, what would I do without you supporters here?
Best wishes to you Sammigirl and to your DH for a speedy recovery. You are so helpful with your advice on disengagement. You handle it very well. You are really helping someone like me who is just starting disengagement. Thank you again. Y thoughts are with you and your DH.
I have been following your posts, Moose. You are doing fine. Disengagement has many different circumstances on why and when. I certainly am not an expert, although I have had to salvage myself, thus my disengagement was spontaneous to begin with. I'm not sure going slower would have been more productive and caused less anger for myself.
I can say, once you have learned how to put yourself in control of your own life and always take it one event at a time, it gets easier. I am at peace with my disengagement and I am again enjoying life. My husband's bad health is another issue, which we have dealt with for many years. I do keep those health issues in mind, while moving forward with my disengagement. This is where everyone's disengagement is different.
Keep up the good work and stay strong and patient.
Hi sammigirl, just popped on steptalk and learned about your dh being in the hospital and wanted to wish your dh a quick recovery and encourage you to continue to stay strong. You are such an inspiration to many including myself and I sincerely thank you. Prayers for you and your dh.
Thank you jam. My dh's recovery will be very slow and drawn out. DH has had health issues for years and we have taken it one day at a time for several years. Sometimes I don't think I am as strong as I force myself to become. But I know the strength I've gained from you, and my supporters here, are larger than "a village". Without you here, I would not be on the high road.
Sammi - honey - Glad to hear your DH is doing fine. I also know thatit has to be tough on you in dealing with this so be sure to be good to yourself.
Amazing how these ASK's think they can be totally rotten, mean and evil toward us and then, because they want it so, it should all be forgiven as nothing ever happened. And, of course in their perspective, you are terrible if you don't go along.
You did it right. YOU get front seat center when visiting your DH. Be pleasant, polite, but that is all that should be given. That bunch would turn into barracuda's in a moment.
Thank you "shes driving me...." It is going ok; it is a very slow recovery. We will get there step by step. DH is still in the hospital.
This weekend was totally the opposite of last weekend. Not a word all week nor this weekend from Skids. Not a phone call, not a visit for a week. I figured they would be visiting today, because they allow visitors and phone calls all day on Sunday's.
I don't miss them. I wish I would never see SD and SGD the rest of my life. But I felt a little bad for DH. He seemed fine with our quiet Sunday and it was never mentioned.
Sammi I know this is off-topic but I want to let you know I just had a difficult weekend (other things in my life beside skids!) and your book suggestion helped enormously. Thanks for the tip- and sort of sorry for DH that he didn't see his kids but glad for you that you didn't have to deal with their toxic presence. Keep going Sammi (((***))) hugs.
ah glad DH is doing better, I was wondering about it over the week-end.....
DH will be fine and well those brats can go and play on a high way somewhere, you are still my disengagement roll model
Thank you Acratopotes for the well wishes. We are taking it a day at a time. It helps me to read here every day.
I am doing just fine and will work with what we have. I learned years ago, you accept what you cannot control in life. After all, we don't have a choice in some decisions made for us, right?
The grown brats have no effect, just an irritation when they show up; I just handle it as it is occurs. Nothing I can't handle now, at this point of my disengagement. My biggest effort is keeping my anger in tact and my mouth shut. Nobody informed me this part would be so difficult. Lol....
Thank you again for your support. I follow your posts.
It seems "once you have it", you're stuck with the after effects for sure.
I should have kept a diary, when I met DH; I could have written two books on SD57, this toxic, narcissistic, loud mouth, overbearing, smartest woman in the world, not to mention the most controlling person I've known.
My SD57 would make a therapist have nightmares. She never stops her toxic BS. Another text today, I am not going to elaborate, because it's not worth my time. Ugh.....I just ignored it and never responded.
I ask myself why SD is still texting, when she knows DH is in the hospital; he does not have his cell phone, she has his direct phone number, she can talk to him anytime she wishes. She also has his room number and the entire story, like both SS's. About the time I believe SD has gotten the hint on my disengagement, she starts her games again. Eight years of working at my disengagement and SD thinks I'm going to get over it. :?
DH and I have had a long day today in PT; so she is again another page in my history book. She is making my disengagement a breeze, the more she shows her colors and stalks me.
I am also being evil again Acratopotes. I'm going to have a dream tonight that she fell of the edge of the earth. }:)
sammi - why not write a book about step life and how it effects people and marriage, include your path from day one till currently, the disengagement and all...
who knows maybe it will become a best seller, maybe you will be helping other ladies who has no clue where to go for help and keeps it bottle up..
maybe you can safe a couple of ladies future on Woman who snapped..
Yaay- excellent idea- Sammi's guide to life. I now have all three of the books I ordered, these writers have made a mint out of us, I think you would write a pretty good best-seller too Acrat!
Oh believe me I'm thinking about it lol, not a self help book or guide or anything like that,
no more like a thriller.... bodies going missing etc.... going to live my fantasies out in the book, who knows maybe some one will buy the movie rights lol
Write the film script- decide the locations and choose your cast- I can see you on that red carpet Acrat in a fabulous dress and can only guess the content of your Oscar winning speech!
Update: After 5 weeks, DH is home. Our life is totally a new routine. DH is wheelchair bound. I am dealing with it and finally realizing, my life is going to be homebound, ugh....We have equipment to help move DH to the bathroom, shower, bed, etc. Nursing care only comes twice a week, which is all that is needed under the circumstances. They do PT only, DH and I do PT daily.
While he was in the hospital, SD57 and family visited often and tried to make a party out of each visit (loud and disruptive). To these people, every day is Christmas. I tolerated it, never backed down from my disengagement, and observed all the phony concern. I say phony, because now that DH is home, not a phone call, not a visit, not even a text. The real work has began and of course they are all busy.
With this said, I know this is perfectly normal for kids. They all have lives and they don't want to be burdened with their old Dad; I understand.
So I move forward and read here every day. Thank you all for your well wishes and all I have to say: "It is what it is. You can't change it, so you learn to accept it."
Sammie - I am glad that he was able to come home. But you seriously need to look at some respite care. You cannot do this 24/7 alone. My aunt did that with her DH and ended up in the hospital near death. And she was younger than you.
A dear friend is 92. She lives with her son who works and has a social life. She has a helper (not a nurse) who helps her bathe and wash her hair. She will also spend the night if her son wants to get away.
You need to be able to get out of the house to take care of normal chores and to see your father. And sometimes just to relax for an hour or two.
I took care of my mother for two years when she was terminally ill - wheelchair bound and on oxygen. I was also still working remotely. I could not have done it without a lot of help.
We are gaining a routine and working at everything slowly. I will get help, if I feel I cannot handle it. We have discussed getting help and DH agrees, if I need help, we will do it.
DH is doing PT daily and gaining strength; hopefully he will get back to daily activities, although it is too early for them to tell if that will ever happen.
Thanks for the update, Sammi- I have been thinking about you a lot. I'm glad DH is home at least, but sad that he isn't so mobile and so more dependent on you. Typical that his family have taken flight- I don't agree with their dad being a burden. Were they a burden to him when they needed care as infants? I hate the use of that word burden and was thankful that my dearly missed mom never used to when we cared for her- I call it giving back. However, I understand that in some ways it is better for you that they stay away.
My concern is for you, though, make sure you are not doing to much- keep in touch with your friends and hobbies. I have a friend who cares full time for a man who has never been her lover- she lives in his house and cares for him 24/7. He can do nothing except feed himself. He does go to day care 3 times a week though- so would that provision be available for you, to give you a break?
When this man is at day care we go out together, sometimes for lunch or an exhibition. We have just started going to the theatre sometimes in an evening and she pays a baby-sitter. I think it is so important that she gets out-and if it wasn't for me I don't think she would.
So be easy on yourself Sammi and try to keep a sense of your own needs too. Lots of fairy hugs ((((****))))
Sammi, Sorry to hear your DH is homebound now, and that it also makes you somewhat homebound too. It is not surprising that the skids have not been around or called. But then, as someone else mentioned it's probably a plus.
Please look into your community services. We have a community coalition in our relatively small town which provides respite for care givers - it's free. I give art lessons for them to help raise the money and they get grants.
Glad you are home Sammigirl. Sorry to learn that you are homebound. Hopefully the sd & sgd will stay away. If they are loud and obnoxious in the hospital, I am sure they would be the same in your home.
As others have said, your are such a role model. thank you
Sammi, Glad you husband is home now. Sorry he is homebound. Take care of yourself. I took care of my Mom for 3 & 1/2 years. I know how hard it is mentally and physically.
I hope as others have said you can get some respite care. You need a break sometimes. I hope also that SD & SGD will stay away it will make it easier on you. Thank you always for your great advice and support. You have helped so many on ST.
Thank you for asking
Thank you for asking Exjuliemccoy. My DH is still in the hospital in intensive PT. I go every day and participate in the PT. There is a scheduled release date of Feb. 8th, which will put it 4 weeks at that time. I take it a day at a time. DH is trying hard and the secret will be to keep up PT after coming home. He hates PT, but to keep what we have, we will have to do it. They will send help certain days, weekly, after he comes home.
Adult Stepkids have finally got the picture to contact DH and not bother me. It was a rough first two weeks; but you would be proud how cool I stayed with SD57, just ignored and stayed civil. In previous years I had always kept the communication lines open between everyone and tried so hard to keep the "blended family" together, after 30+ years, I totally disengaged and now they think that should all be forgotten and I should cater to them once again. NOT.
As you know I stepped completely out of the relationship of skids and turned it ALL over to DH. DH does not communicate well with anyone. He assumes a great deal. Therefore, if his kids want to know anything, now, they have to call or ask their Dad. It is very frustrating now that he is ill, for them, too bad
. Of course the skids blame me for not keeping them informed. They have been supplied with all the contact information. I'm over it and just ignore them and move forward with DH and our goal to get him home.
Thank you again for checking with me. It is appreciated more than I can express.
So glad to hear your update
So glad to hear your update and that your DH is working hard (with your support) on getting home
Now that the initial two weeks have passed and all the skids know the lay of the land, do you expect them to participate much in contacting your DH from this point forward? I know sometimes the contact is just for show and quickly dropped if SM can't be engaged to play the game...smh
No, the skids won't contact
No, the skids won't contact DH much. They never do, I don't expect that to change. They don't want to know the seriousness of the problem. My DH and his kids have a relationship that is weird to me. There is no true connection. This is the way DH and BM's life was, thus the skids are dysfunctional. I guess the word is no "compassion". I have compassion for people in need, these grown skids only focus on their wants. I have always, and will continue, to leave the door open for skids to be able to contact their Dad, even in our home. I have never shut the door on their visits. I just have chosen to not be involved and now leave it up to DH and his dysfunctional kids. I'm amazed at their non-actions.
SD57 and SGD34 (mother/daughter), the toxic of the bunch, made one visit last Sunday. They were very nasty to me as usual. I popped in to spend the evening with DH, Sunday evening, and low and behold, there they were. I just took a seat in the "queen's seat" (my DH's recliner provided), and focused my attention on DH, during the visit. SD57 made it clear, the reason she was in the City, was her GD's basketball game. She was so rude to even DH. SD57 is mad, because DH chose to stay in our marriage, 4 years ago. SS59 and YSS54 have both called and visited with DH (once). I was not present, so don't know how that went and don't care.
I don't miss the head games, now that I am totally disengaged.
Thank you for your response and concern.
Sammi, I am so glad your DH
Sammi, I am so glad your DH is on the mend and you are handling your disengagement, as always, like the role model you are. With my DH being over a decade older than I am, this is a possibility for my future. I've wondered how I would handle this myself.
You wrote:
"after 30+ years, I totally disengaged and now they think that should all be forgotten and I should cater to them once again. NOT."
Yes, we should just forget everything and pretend it never happened. In fact, a few days ago, my OSD said exactly that to my DH. She wanted to forget it all and put it behind "as though it never happened". She wanted to go back to the way things were before. I am sure that is very convenient for her, but it's not going to work for me. She showed no remorse, no accountability, played victim with her dad to manipulate, and said that screaming "I am sorry" into my voicemail was a sufficient apology. Nope. And not signing up for more.
Best wishes for your DH's continued healing and you have no dumb skid triggers when your DH should be your sole focus.
Yes, SacrificialLamb: This
Yes, SacrificialLamb: This is a way to get you right back in the trap. My SD57 also tried to make amends, but never put the effort into actually sitting down with me and discussing our differences. I don't bite, for hell sakes!
Four years ago, DH ask me "what can we do to fix it all"? I told him that SD57 could sit down with both of us and we can discuss the email and all the issues between us. DH didn't like that idea, because it would bring out all the lies he had told SD about me. He would have to indulge in admitting he betrayed me to her and what issues he discussed with her. So that idea went away with him. Then I told him later, after he asked again; "SD can sit down and discuss with me her issues and we'll go from there." Well, I'm sure he told her what I said, but she didn't attempt to discuss the nasty email she sent and has acted as if it never happened. Of course I still have it and my attorney has a copy also.
Then to top it off; DH tells me Thanksgiving "Just go with me to SGD34's house (SD and family were there also), put on a smile and enjoy yourself." What???? NOT. Of course I didn't attend with DH. I went to my family and he went to his. They have this idea, I should just forget and forgive and they were never wrong.
My problem with letting it go and going back; it will just be the same ole' crap and I have to go thru disengagement again, plus they take my kindness and weakness. Ugh....this will NEVER happen with me. I'm finished and now if SD57 came to me, I would just listen and continue with total disengagement. She is history in my life.
Thank you for asking about my DH. Even though he has been and continues to be a jerk, I will care for him and love him through it all. He is 11 years my senior, we have deep love beyond Skids, and he's given me everything I could want with my comfortable home and my needs.
Thank you again for your comfort and support
Mine is also 11 years my
Mine is also 11 years my senior. DH became a father early in adulthood. As a result, I am only 10.5 years older than my OSD......I am sure she does not like that. She is starting to look even older than I do because she bakes in the sun almost every day during their hot summers. She also won't get her hands on daddy's money until I am gone. Both of my parents are elderly and still living. And I know your DF is past 100! Gasp - what happens if you live that long??? I bet you that has crossed through her self-centered mind.
LOL, I'm sure my SD57 dreads
LOL, I'm sure my SD57 dreads the fact that I may live long enough to witness KARMA visiting her; that is already happening. There is also just 11 1/2 years between SD and myself, 10 years between OSS and myself. SD has baked in the sun for years also, and looks much older than myself and she weighs much heavier than myself.
My Father is doing very well and still lives in his own home alone. He doesn't want to budge, so I leave him in his own environment, thus he will live a happy man.
Sorry to hear about your DH
Sorry to hear about your DH Sammi. Wishes for a speedy recovery - even though PT can be a challenge not only for DH but for you too. You are handling the situation perfectly. When you wrote, "Of course the skids blame me for not keeping them informed", you probably are right but you have gone beyond what many people would do. It is just as much their responsibility to maintain open lines of communication with health professionals as it is yours.
"SD57 made it clear, the reason she was in the City, was her GD's basketball game." Considering the fact that she was uttering these words to her Father who was in the hospital, this statement should should strengthen your resolve to keep this narcissistic, self-centered individual out of your head. Keep going forward. We are here for you.
Thank you sandye21 for your
Thank you sandye21 for your well wishes. Again you are wise to it all.
My skids are in their 50's and should be helping with the situation, not depending on myself or anyone else to get them information. As long as they leave me alone, I don't care what they do. Ugh....
SD always has to throw a pun in, to let you know she is in charge. The comment about "why" she was in town, was rude in my book. Just enjoy the visit with her Dad and she doesn't have to let him know "she didn't come to town, for just him". What a toxic human. That ole' saying..."if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." Doubt SD has ever heard it.
Thank you for your support and wisdom.
"I don't miss the head games,
"I don't miss the head games, now that I am totally disengaged."
That is a beautiful thing to read. Well-earned on your part!
I love being out of the
I love being out of the gossip/social circle. It's peaceful.
Just wishing you and your DH
Just wishing you and your DH the best.
Thank you moeilijk for your
Thank you moeilijk for your well wishes. The support is welcomed.
Thank you theoldredhen; I
Thank you theoldredhen; I fully intend to keep DH positive and moving forward. The mental state is of most importance. Our home is set up for this and we are doing a few more things to get it ready and complete for him. We purchased this home one year ago, with all of this in mind. It is not sudden, over the years it has progressed.
His grown children are welcome to visit him any time the hospital allows; I have never entered into their time together. They ARE NOT welcome in my home, as long as DH is in the hospital. They can communicate with DH there; they have all the contact information. When DH comes home, they can come to visit any time; but I will NOT hostess them, nor are they allowed to stay overnight in our home. Nobody needs to hold their hand or direct them for goodness sake. They have better incomes than we and they can make their own arrangements.
Thank you for your encouragement and support. As you reminded me, we are not the only people that endure this inconvenience; it will take lots of time and patience and we have practiced this for years, with DH's bad health. Again, what would I do without you supporters here?
Best wishes to you Sammigirl
Best wishes to you Sammigirl and to your DH for a speedy recovery. You are so helpful with your advice on disengagement. You handle it very well. You are really helping someone like me who is just starting disengagement. Thank you again. Y thoughts are with you and your DH.
I have been following your
I have been following your posts, Moose. You are doing fine. Disengagement has many different circumstances on why and when. I certainly am not an expert, although I have had to salvage myself, thus my disengagement was spontaneous to begin with. I'm not sure going slower would have been more productive and caused less anger for myself.
I can say, once you have learned how to put yourself in control of your own life and always take it one event at a time, it gets easier. I am at peace with my disengagement and I am again enjoying life. My husband's bad health is another issue, which we have dealt with for many years. I do keep those health issues in mind, while moving forward with my disengagement. This is where everyone's disengagement is different.
Keep up the good work and stay strong and patient.
Thank you for your support.
Hi sammigirl, just popped on
Hi sammigirl, just popped on steptalk and learned about your dh being in the hospital and wanted to wish your dh a quick recovery and encourage you to continue to stay strong. You are such an inspiration to many including myself and I sincerely thank you. Prayers for you and your dh.
Thank you jam. My dh's
Thank you jam. My dh's recovery will be very slow and drawn out. DH has had health issues for years and we have taken it one day at a time for several years. Sometimes I don't think I am as strong as I force myself to become. But I know the strength I've gained from you, and my supporters here, are larger than "a village". Without you here, I would not be on the high road.
I follow your posts and learn every day.
Thank you for the well wishes.
Sammi - honey - Glad to hear
Sammi - honey - Glad to hear your DH is doing fine. I also know thatit has to be tough on you in dealing with this so be sure to be good to yourself.
Amazing how these ASK's think they can be totally rotten, mean and evil toward us and then, because they want it so, it should all be forgiven as nothing ever happened. And, of course in their perspective, you are terrible if you don't go along.
You did it right. YOU get front seat center when visiting your DH. Be pleasant, polite, but that is all that should be given. That bunch would turn into barracuda's in a moment.
Prayers for you and for your DH.
Thank you "shes driving
Thank you "shes driving me...." It is going ok; it is a very slow recovery. We will get there step by step. DH is still in the hospital.
This weekend was totally the opposite of last weekend. Not a word all week nor this weekend from Skids. Not a phone call, not a visit for a week. I figured they would be visiting today, because they allow visitors and phone calls all day on Sunday's.
I don't miss them. I wish I would never see SD and SGD the rest of my life. But I felt a little bad for DH. He seemed fine with our quiet Sunday and it was never mentioned.
Then you for your prayers and well wishes.
Sammi I know this is
Sammi I know this is off-topic but I want to let you know I just had a difficult weekend (other things in my life beside skids!) and your book suggestion helped enormously. Thanks for the tip- and sort of sorry for DH that he didn't see his kids but glad for you that you didn't have to deal with their toxic presence. Keep going Sammi (((***))) hugs.
fairyo: hope things are ok
fairyo: hope things are ok with you. Thinking of you. Just take it on day at a time; hope today is better for you.
((((hugs))))) back to you.
ah glad DH is doing better, I
ah glad DH is doing better, I was wondering about it over the week-end.....
DH will be fine and well those brats can go and play on a high way somewhere, you are still my disengagement roll model
Thank you Acratopotes for the
Thank you Acratopotes for the well wishes. We are taking it a day at a time. It helps me to read here every day.
I am doing just fine and will work with what we have. I learned years ago, you accept what you cannot control in life. After all, we don't have a choice in some decisions made for us, right?
The grown brats have no effect, just an irritation when they show up; I just handle it as it is occurs. Nothing I can't handle now, at this point of my disengagement. My biggest effort is keeping my anger in tact and my mouth shut. Nobody informed me this part would be so difficult. Lol....
Thank you again for your support. I follow your posts.
what if we start calling the
}:) }:) }:) }:) what if we start calling the skids, herpes/candida...
once you have it it's not that easy getting rid of it lol...
oh I'm being evil again
It seems "once you have it",
It seems "once you have it", you're stuck with the after effects for sure.
I should have kept a diary, when I met DH; I could have written two books on SD57, this toxic, narcissistic, loud mouth, overbearing, smartest woman in the world, not to mention the most controlling person I've known.
My SD57 would make a therapist have nightmares. She never stops her toxic BS. Another text today, I am not going to elaborate, because it's not worth my time. Ugh.....I just ignored it and never responded.
I ask myself why SD is still texting, when she knows DH is in the hospital; he does not have his cell phone, she has his direct phone number, she can talk to him anytime she wishes. She also has his room number and the entire story, like both SS's. About the time I believe SD has gotten the hint on my disengagement, she starts her games again. Eight years of working at my disengagement and SD thinks I'm going to get over it. :?
DH and I have had a long day today in PT; so she is again another page in my history book. She is making my disengagement a breeze, the more she shows her colors and stalks me.
I am also being evil again Acratopotes. I'm going to have a dream tonight that she fell of the edge of the earth. }:)
sammi - why not write a book
sammi - why not write a book about step life and how it effects people and marriage, include your path from day one till currently, the disengagement and all...
who knows maybe it will become a best seller, maybe you will be helping other ladies who has no clue where to go for help and keeps it bottle up..
maybe you can safe a couple of ladies future on Woman who snapped..
You've got nothing to loose only to gain...
Yaay- excellent idea- Sammi's
Yaay- excellent idea- Sammi's guide to life. I now have all three of the books I ordered, these writers have made a mint out of us, I think you would write a pretty good best-seller too Acrat!
Oh believe me I'm thinking
Oh believe me I'm thinking about it lol, not a self help book or guide or anything like that,
no more like a thriller.... bodies going missing etc.... going to live my fantasies out in the book, who knows maybe some one will buy the movie rights lol
Write the film script- decide
Write the film script- decide the locations and choose your cast- I can see you on that red carpet Acrat in a fabulous dress and can only guess the content of your Oscar winning speech!
Film script is
Film script is difficult.....
but it would definitely be on Mars...
How about a comedy - a Step
How about a comedy - a Step version of 9 to 5? Where SMs get together and play role reversal with SDs, "Oh, you make me fell SOOO uncomfortable!" LOL
sandye21....THIS is an
sandye21....THIS is an excellent plot!
sandye21 - brilliant...... I
sandye21 - brilliant...... I just thought about that movie with Jamie lee curtis and lindsey lohanwhere mother and daughter switched roles...
hell that would be fun if it should happen in my life... switch roles with skid for a month.. }:)
Acratopotes and
Acratopotes and fairyo....what would title your book?
Mine would be: "Cloud With A Silver Lining"
You made me smile this morning. Movie would be great!
not year that lol..... |I
not year that lol.....
|I started a blog about this, not to derail your post lol..... I want to know now.... every one's Movie in workings
(No subject)
Update: After 5 weeks, DH is
Update: After 5 weeks, DH is home. Our life is totally a new routine. DH is wheelchair bound. I am dealing with it and finally realizing, my life is going to be homebound, ugh....We have equipment to help move DH to the bathroom, shower, bed, etc. Nursing care only comes twice a week, which is all that is needed under the circumstances. They do PT only, DH and I do PT daily.
While he was in the hospital, SD57 and family visited often and tried to make a party out of each visit (loud and disruptive). To these people, every day is Christmas. I tolerated it, never backed down from my disengagement, and observed all the phony concern. I say phony, because now that DH is home, not a phone call, not a visit, not even a text. The real work has began and of course they are all busy.
With this said, I know this is perfectly normal for kids. They all have lives and they don't want to be burdened with their old Dad; I understand.
So I move forward and read here every day. Thank you all for your well wishes and all I have to say: "It is what it is. You can't change it, so you learn to accept it."
Love all of you here!
Sammie - I am glad that he
Sammie - I am glad that he was able to come home. But you seriously need to look at some respite care. You cannot do this 24/7 alone. My aunt did that with her DH and ended up in the hospital near death. And she was younger than you.
A dear friend is 92. She lives with her son who works and has a social life. She has a helper (not a nurse) who helps her bathe and wash her hair. She will also spend the night if her son wants to get away.
You need to be able to get out of the house to take care of normal chores and to see your father. And sometimes just to relax for an hour or two.
I took care of my mother for two years when she was terminally ill - wheelchair bound and on oxygen. I was also still working remotely. I could not have done it without a lot of help.
Wishing you well.
We are gaining a routine and
We are gaining a routine and working at everything slowly. I will get help, if I feel I cannot handle it. We have discussed getting help and DH agrees, if I need help, we will do it.
DH is doing PT daily and gaining strength; hopefully he will get back to daily activities, although it is too early for them to tell if that will ever happen.
Thank you for good advice.
Thanks for the update, Sammi-
Thanks for the update, Sammi- I have been thinking about you a lot. I'm glad DH is home at least, but sad that he isn't so mobile and so more dependent on you. Typical that his family have taken flight- I don't agree with their dad being a burden. Were they a burden to him when they needed care as infants? I hate the use of that word burden and was thankful that my dearly missed mom never used to when we cared for her- I call it giving back. However, I understand that in some ways it is better for you that they stay away.
My concern is for you, though, make sure you are not doing to much- keep in touch with your friends and hobbies. I have a friend who cares full time for a man who has never been her lover- she lives in his house and cares for him 24/7. He can do nothing except feed himself. He does go to day care 3 times a week though- so would that provision be available for you, to give you a break?
When this man is at day care we go out together, sometimes for lunch or an exhibition. We have just started going to the theatre sometimes in an evening and she pays a baby-sitter. I think it is so important that she gets out-and if it wasn't for me I don't think she would.
So be easy on yourself Sammi and try to keep a sense of your own needs too. Lots of fairy hugs ((((****))))
((((hugs))))) back to fairy
((((hugs))))) back to fairy land. I so appreciate your support.
Sammi, Sorry to hear your DH
Sammi, Sorry to hear your DH is homebound now, and that it also makes you somewhat homebound too. It is not surprising that the skids have not been around or called. But then, as someone else mentioned it's probably a plus.
Please look into your community services. We have a community coalition in our relatively small town which provides respite for care givers - it's free. I give art lessons for them to help raise the money and they get grants.
It is a plus (no SK's
It is a plus (no SK's visiting) for sure sandye21. It is very peaceful.
I will look into Senior babysitting care. Thank you for your support.
You are the best Sammigirl,
You are the best Sammigirl, and like Sacrificial stated, you are a tremendous role model....Thank you for showing me the way.
Thank you CANYOUHELP. Think
Thank you CANYOUHELP. Think about you and follow your posts.
(((hugs)))
Glad you are home Sammigirl.
Glad you are home Sammigirl. Sorry to learn that you are homebound. Hopefully the sd & sgd will stay away. If they are loud and obnoxious in the hospital, I am sure they would be the same in your home.
As others have said, your are such a role model. thank you
jam: we are a team here!
jam: we are a team here! Thank you for your support.
Sammi, Glad you husband is
Sammi, Glad you husband is home now. Sorry he is homebound. Take care of yourself. I took care of my Mom for 3 & 1/2 years. I know how hard it is mentally and physically.
I hope as others have said you can get some respite care. You need a break sometimes. I hope also that SD & SGD will stay away it will make it easier on you. Thank you always for your great advice and support. You have helped so many on ST.