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This House is more my kids than yours

LindaKjl's picture

I have been married to my new husband for going on 4 years now. He has a 20 year old son and a 19 year old son who both live with their mother 5 mins away.

When I married my husband I gave up my home (which I rented) and moved into his home (which he was buying). When he was married to his first wife he, the ex-wife and the 2 boys lived there. When they divorced the ex-wife and 2 boys left house. My name was never put on the mortgage and/or paperwork. House is 100% in his name which I am TOTALLY fine with and that has never even been an issue.

Due to a fight we are having about his two adult son's coming over every day (with or without a car load of their friends, multiple times everyday, to eat, wash their vehicles, do laundry, swim, or whatever, he said to me last night "this house is more my kids house than it is yours".

I have always said from day 1 that I would NEVER EVER try and take any assets of the home should we ever happen to divorce. He house is his and I would walk away from that part. That being said, we are married and I live in the house (because I gave up my own roof when we married) and I consider it our home as a married couple. Thus, the statement he made to me last night about "this house is more my kids house than it is yours" greatly offends me.

momagainfor4's picture

that's a tear down manipulation tactic. He is a jerk. I hope he realizes that he's made a big mistake!

LindaKjl's picture

Its not my fault that he and his ex-wife purchased the home and started raising the 2 boys there long before they divorced and he ever met me. Just because his 2 sons use to live in the house when they were still together as a family (he with his ex-wife I mean) that was his reasoning for saying that so he says - because they use to live there 6 years ago.

lucy51's picture

I'd start seriously thinking about saving yourself from this situation. That comment was mean and it also means his sons mean more to him than you. If you stay in the marriage, you are likely to have financial problems when he dies. What kind of will or trust exists?

windee's picture

YA! Do you know (and have seen the proof in front of you) that you are in his will or trust etc....? Or will he pass away & you get screwed with NOTHING? Oh man, I would be so livid!!!! PAy back is hell! SS can clean the house since it is more their house! SS can clean the bathroom, take the garbage out, do the damned dishes!!!! Wow! That was an extrememly hurtful thing for your DH to say to you!!!

windee's picture

oK.....soooooooooo wHERE DOES HE EXPECT YOU TO LIVE IF HE WERE TO PASS AWAY? doES HE HAVE THAT PART OF IT FIGURED OUT!I would be so livid with my DH if he said that to me! I cannot believe he said that to you!!! You are his wife!! I am so angry for you!! Wow!! :jawdrop:

tweetybird74's picture

What he said I agree was uncalled for and rude. But if you think about it from his kids point of view. They grew up in that house. That is home base to them, safety etc. I am not saying they should not have respect for the home but that would be up to DH to handle.

cpreston's picture

First order of business when we got married was to put my name on the house… it’s now OUR house! When we were engaged and my DD and I were living there, I always kinda felt like it was “their” house or “his” house… but damn it, I clean it, I take care of it, I help pay the bills for it, so it’s as much MY house as it is his

Tell him since it’s more their house, then they can clean it, and take care of it, and pay the bills for it… and then YOU stop doing all of the above.

LindaKjl's picture

Unfortunately, I think I know him pretty well. I think no matter where we live he would have that same sentiment. I think he believes no matter what house he lives in it will always be his children's home more than mine.

Browneyedgirl1023's picture

My husband has made similar hurtful comments. He had the house from before we were toegther and I gave up my rental home to move in with him since he was purchasing this house. He has said several times, "this is MY house, my rules." and "you live here rent free!" and several other things - EVEN after we got married he made these comments up til a couple of months ago. But he still does things that prove that he still has the same "ideas". For example, last week I tried to put a candidate sign for a friend of mine who is a Republican in the front yard. My husband voted for this person last year for City Council....this year he is running for County Tax husband ripped the sign down and threw it away because he is a democrat and he isn't going to let me put a sign out front for a republican.

Then there was later that week when I asked him to have a conversation with SS12 about his attitude towards me - I had asked for a joint conversation so that we could present a united front....well, he said he would, but didn't totally ignored me! When I confronted him about it he said he didn't want to do it. Just another example of how its his way or the highway, since it's his house!!!

What he doesn't keep in mind is that I am the FT caregiver of his child andd my addition to a FT job. (he works from 8am -9pm Mon-Fri). Every payday my money goes towards things for the kids and the household bills. I do NOT live there rent free.

A year ago his own mother and cousin told me to get my name on the house! So I got the papers drawn up and gave them to him, he has them buried on his desk. I confronted him a few weeks ago about how he never signed them and how that shows that he has no intention of this being OUR home, he didn't even justify me with a response! He just STARED at me!!!!

Browneyedgirl1023's picture

When I have suggested counseling to my DH his reply is, "I dont need to be told what I already know." and "Sure, I'll go to counseling just to prove you wrong."

These guys dont have the best attitudes about it!

Orange County Ca's picture

Do you live in a community property state like California. Google: 'community property states' for a list of them.

If so I believe any value he has in the home due to his pay down of the mortgage or increase in resale value is 1/2 yours. Any income he earns is 1/2 yours and you should be able to follow that income into any asset regardless of who's name appears on the title. I may be wrong so you need to consult a attorney on that point.

But what you want is for the kids to respect the fact that you live there and have the right to limit visits from anyone including them, not a divorce.

The person who emphasized HOME as opposed to house was right on. Using sex as a weapon is a bad idea - just get a divorce if its that bad. These kids should be moving on in their own lives soon but if not you may be stuck here as its turned into a power struggle between the owner and the tenant.

Miss-Step's picture

^^^^THIS ASAP^^^^ Stop contributing, stop paying the bills - just stop. Frankly, I would be sleeping in another room and stop the madeness. What a rude thing to say.

lucy51's picture

I put up with 20 years of this. My husband allowed his kids to visit any time they felt like it. We had a small home and often could not easily accommodate them. His daughter sighed and acted as if we should go to a hotel. His son was better. The last straw for me was when my husband allowed his daughter to visit with her daughter just days after my dad had died. I was furious because I did not want to entertain. I was crying all the time. She came for a high school reunion and expected us to babysit. She never once mentioned my dad's death. My husband died shortly thereafter and I have not invited them to stay at the house, except while he was dying and shortly after his death. They have tried to treat this house as if the rules were the same, but boundaries are important to me and my atty suggested them, too. As it is they are furious with me: for the boundaries, for standing up for myself, for challenging them when need be. We are divorced.